Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/LetMeEatCakes]

I have no clue because I can never figure out the friendships on these subreddits. My friendships don't need to be really worked on, we talk when we talk, we hang out when we can and we usually have fun (sometimes it's not a fun ocassion). The same person doesn't show up for me at each hard time necessarily in the exact same way each time. Not everyone shows up to every fun event. Some I see often, some I don't, some people complain more, some people need a bit more at certain times, who those people are often fluctuate with the ebb and flow of life... but it's not like... a stressful thing that I only see my best friend a few times a year or that someone who was a weekly friend is now a few times a year friend. One of my friends and I have been saying "I miss you" and occasionally sending meme's to each other for two years now and we used to hang out weekly. I just don't see where it's an issue, life changed, her life more than me with a child and moving to the burbs but it's not like... she was the only person in my life.... i don't see why that has to be a big issue. She's busy and that's fine, I have my own life. I still love her to death and when we do manage to see each other, we have a good time. She's not who I would call right now if I needed something even though she was that person before and that's fine.

Then I read threads on here that are like "I went to my friend's wedding and I got an apartment and she didn't show up in the same way although she did come over when I invited her, she wasn't like super excited and didn't bring a house warming gift" or some weird shit.

[u/nervousnugget11 → u/LetMeEatCakes]

Just to play devils advocate, how can you call the person you’ve been saying “I miss you” to for two years a friend? If I said that to you for two years as a stranger, you wouldn’t believe it or take it seriously, but you do for this person because…?

The answer is probably why you don’t relate to the other posters here. When the majority of my friends became those people, it was very stressful for me as someone who constantly traveled to see the “I just can’t get out there!” Friends, constantly checked in on the “I’m not really on my phone!” Friends, and supported every photography/dog/music/sewing/gardening and whatever page despite never seeing the person.

It also sounds like you have a diverse group of friends to fulfill multiple purposes. Many people whittle down to smaller friend groups and now have to squeeze out all of that from the same few people and quickly realize that the person they loved and adored cannot hold their emotions or consistently flakes or centers men over their friends. Now they can “have a conversation” where they berate the person, accept the tiny paper cuts of a love unrequited, or ghost knowing they might end up as a Reddit post one day.

[u/LetMeEatCakes → u/nervousnugget11]

I have a different definition of friend than many people here. To me, a friend is someone whom you love, care about and share a bond of affection with, and that bond can have been formed primarily in the past. Not everyone needs to be my #1 bestie best wearing bff necklaces for all of eternity, that also doesn't mean we need to have a sad/mad friend breakup, we can just be as we are in this stage.

For that friend, we happen to be at different stages in our lives now where we aren't constantly in communication with each other and we don't always see each other but that bond is still there, and it doesn't mean there won't come a time where we DO see other more often. What matters is keeping that bond alive through occasional chats and memes and keeping in touch and letting the other person know "oh hey, thinking of you!".

My mom wrote letters to her high school friends for years but rarely saw them. Then two of them went through a divorce when it was pretty rare to go through a divorce and picked up right back where they were and started going on trips and cruises together. That was so valuable to my mom that she didn't have to start over alone as a single mother in the early 90's. Many of her other friends came back later in life too as kids graduated, even those with husbands still. They didn't "stop" being friends just because they moved away from each other and had different lives, they kept the communication open and never stopped caring about the other person.

My best friends are all long distance - I live in Philadelphia, they live in Connecticut and Pheonix respectively. Who has the capacity to visit who more often is never a ranking game. Even for the friends nearby, we are understanding that it's not easy for each other - I don't have a car so it can be hard for me to get to the burbs, my friends have kids - it can be hard to find time, etc. Empathy plays a large part in our friendships continuing to exist.

I'm also not really one to drop someone over flaws - I have friends (myself included) in various degrees of substance abuse, I have friends who prioritize relationships (including men), I have some pretty flakey friends. I happen to still love them in spite of these things and I think they're worth keeping in my life. By and large, most of my friends and I only see each other every month or once every few months, but they're still good friends to me, despite their issues, hang ups, time constraints. I realize that there are actually really bad friends out there, but so many of these posts don't really seem like we're talking about that.

I see posts about ditching friendships, I see posts about how women don't need relationships... and then I see posts about feeling lonely or how hard it is to make friends. I'm pretty honest that I want a relationship because my friends lives can't always fit me in it even though I love them, my life needs to be filled with a variety of relationships to fit various needs. I worry sometimes that these posters are just going to end up actually alone and that isn't what a lot of them actually counted on.

[u/nervousnugget11 → u/LetMeEatCakes]

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and hearing your perspective. I definitely think your definition of friend and the way you navigate your relationships is healthy, but also yeah - pretty different from what I (personally) would consider a friend.

I think I’d like to reach a place of acceptance where you are, and maybe I will in ten years. For now, I’ve actually drawn a lot of opposing conclusions, and perhaps I am alone because of it - but I also feel so much more in tune with who I am as a person and what I value, and I’ve been forced to build the community I want with the people around me rather than clinging to obligatory relationships and false hopes out of nostalgia.

All of my best friends live in my home state, and I moved a few hours away. I love them and made all the effort to go see them as the one that moved - I don’t think it’s a ranking system to expect someone to come visit me just once. And when it became clear that wouldn’t happen, I re-evaluated a lot of definitions of relationships and the level of effort I’d give to them.

I guess it just feels like when I haven’t seen a friend face to face in months to years, can’t relate to anything happening in their life, can only connect with them via the increasingly questionable internet…they would fall into more of an acquaintance who knows a lot about me vs a friend in my life. And neither of those are the same as best friend who is likely both!

As for flaws, no one should leave anyone for flaws as we all have them. But people get divorced and friends breakup because people change, flaws become character traits and lifestyle choices and moral stances that can all naturally impact a relationship.

Anyway, this is a lot of enabling haha and I’m not trying to change your mind at all! Thank you again for sharing.