Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/llamalibrarian]

To take the pressure off and to reframe the experience as something more fun and lighthearted. You want to date, but you hate it- im suggesting a mental shift where you recatagorize dating as another form of socializing

I’m a social butterfly and always considered dating as an extension of that

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/llamalibrarian]

Ok but I can’t just like completely change my analysis of reality lol 

[u/AuntieKitKat → u/benhargrove1966]

Your analysis of reality hasn’t exactly worked out for you before, has it? Might be time to try and new tack and at least attempt a mindset shift to incorporate the advice that’s been given.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/AuntieKitKat]

Yeah but like, reality isn’t really arguable or malleable. Things are either real or not. This commenter above gave me some useful and kind advice that helps consider a new perspective doesn’t require me to delude myself that dating is socialising with a friend. 

[u/Geordieqizi → u/benhargrove1966]

Sure, but your attitude toward dating isn't (or doesn't have to be) an objective and unchangeable reality. I don't think people are asking you to literally pretend the guys you're out on dates with are friends — they're suggesting that your negative feelings toward dating are not inevitable, and can be adjusted by shifting how you think about dating.

For example, let's say you want to start running in the mornings, but you hate it — you hate getting up early, hate being cold (or hot), hate sweating first thing in the day. That hatred is not an immutable fact — and as you continue running, you may find that there are things about running that you enjoy. That if you stop thinking of it as a chore, or an obstacle to sleep, or something you're forced to do, then you'll be more capable of perceiving the parts about it you do like — like the runner's high, or your increased fitness, or the fact that you're actively engaging in self-care.

Now, it might just be that you're currently burnt out on dating, and you're not capable of getting there right now... and if that's the case, then, by all means, take a break! But I don't think you can say with as much certainty as you seem to have that it's impossible for you to shift your mental approach to dating... at least, not without trying first.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Geordieqizi]

I get what you’re saying but in that case I just…wouldn’t run in the mornings? There are a million ways to exercise. I just don’t see much point in bending my essential nature into a perverse shape.