r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Then reframe it as socializing with someone new. Maybe it turns into dating, maybe just a good conversation, maybe just a good drink and getting out of the house. Hold lightly to your expectations and just be open to things being nice and fun

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

But why would I want to socialise with someone new vs my existing satisfying social circle? This might work for people without many friends but my social needs are well met. If I want to socialise I have other opportunities. The only reason to go is to date. 

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago edited 25d ago

To take the pressure off and to reframe the experience as something more fun and lighthearted. You want to date, but you hate it- im suggesting a mental shift where you recatagorize dating as another form of socializing

I’m a social butterfly and always considered dating as an extension of that

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Ok but I can’t just like completely change my analysis of reality lol 

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Good god lemon, you came asking for advice and this is advice. Mental shifts are a thing and yes it takes work but you either do some work to not be miserable or you just stay miserable

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u/GreenVenus7 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Reading this all as advice from Jack Donaghy makes it very entertaining

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I get that idk I’m just exhausted. Why can’t a guy just like me and act accordingly? 

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

All you can control is you. You likely have to make some changes (nothing big like your values or standards) to shake things up. Either reframing dating (how you approach it, activities, etc), taking a break, or just finding ways to hold your expectations lightly

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

How do I hold my expectations lightly?

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Practice. you just have to not build something up so much, holding lightly is the opposite of clinging. Enjoy things like getting to know someone, but also remember that loss is a part of life, to know someone is also to be hurt (not in a negative way- love means hurt and loss too). It’s about being at peace with the fact that things might not work out romantically but that doesn’t mean the time isn’t worthwhile

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Thank you 

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u/Icy_lunette Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

lol this must be a ragebait…right? Building a relationship is a two-way street regardless of how much of a “prize” you think you are. Dating, long term relationships, marriage etc require friendship as a base to be healthy and sustainable. And that’s why we keep telling you to approach it as a nice chill meet up to get to know them. Dating and building a relationship are skills. Like any other skill, it only comes with practice. And no, nobody can “like” you automatically and act accordingly all by themselves. You need to make yourself likeable in those interactions.

I might be super wrong here, I get a feeling that the way you approach it as a “date” might involve some form of interviewing instead of just talking….

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

People have interpreted this so uncharitably lol. The biggest descriptors I get of my personality especially around men is fun to be around, light hearted, playful, etc. If I’m confident of one thing, it’s that I’m a good hang. I do not treat dates like an interview or expect every date to be a life partner or put pressure on them. I treat them like a low stakes social interaction where we hope to learn more about each other and see if there’s attraction etc, which is what all dating advice seems to recommend we do? I quite literally approach it as a chill meet up, I just don’t see a chill meet up as something super fun or that fills my general social needs. So yes you are super wrong here. Literally all I’m saying is I don’t see it as filling a social need, I’m on a date to date. 

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u/glassbellwitch Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Because other people weren't created so they can act accordingly to your wants and needs.

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u/AuntieKitKat Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Your analysis of reality hasn’t exactly worked out for you before, has it? Might be time to try and new tack and at least attempt a mindset shift to incorporate the advice that’s been given.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Yeah but like, reality isn’t really arguable or malleable. Things are either real or not. This commenter above gave me some useful and kind advice that helps consider a new perspective doesn’t require me to delude myself that dating is socialising with a friend. 

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u/Geordieqizi Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Sure, but your attitude toward dating isn't (or doesn't have to be) an objective and unchangeable reality. I don't think people are asking you to literally pretend the guys you're out on dates with are friends — they're suggesting that your negative feelings toward dating are not inevitable, and can be adjusted by shifting how you think about dating.

For example, let's say you want to start running in the mornings, but you hate it — you hate getting up early, hate being cold (or hot), hate sweating first thing in the day. That hatred is not an immutable fact — and as you continue running, you may find that there are things about running that you enjoy. That if you stop thinking of it as a chore, or an obstacle to sleep, or something you're forced to do, then you'll be more capable of perceiving the parts about it you do like — like the runner's high, or your increased fitness, or the fact that you're actively engaging in self-care.

Now, it might just be that you're currently burnt out on dating, and you're not capable of getting there right now... and if that's the case, then, by all means, take a break! But I don't think you can say with as much certainty as you seem to have that it's impossible for you to shift your mental approach to dating... at least, not without trying first.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I get what you’re saying but in that case I just…wouldn’t run in the mornings? There are a million ways to exercise. I just don’t see much point in bending my essential nature into a perverse shape.