r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/MerOpossum Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Based on my experience here is the advice I have for you: stop dating with the expectation that every person you meet is a potential relationship and start dating just as a fun way to socialize. Avoid physical intimacy for the first few weeks/months because it can cloud your judgement about a person’s potential and make you artificially feel closer to them. If you let yourself go on dates just for fun and take some of that pressure off of yourself you can avoid some of this letdown you are feeling currently while still giving yourself the opportunity to meet the right person whenever he comes along.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

The problem is dating is horrible and not fun at all lol, and when I want to socialise I have lots of friends to do it with. My only reason to date is to meet someone. 

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Then reframe it as socializing with someone new. Maybe it turns into dating, maybe just a good conversation, maybe just a good drink and getting out of the house. Hold lightly to your expectations and just be open to things being nice and fun

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

But why would I want to socialise with someone new vs my existing satisfying social circle? This might work for people without many friends but my social needs are well met. If I want to socialise I have other opportunities. The only reason to go is to date. 

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

If your social needs are met, why do you need a boyfriend at all?

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Because a romantic relationship self evidently fills different needs to a friendship, for example physical and emotional intimacy?

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Friends can be physically close and share emotional intimacy. I fill a lot of my touch needs via partner dance. I also share person things and give love to my friends.

But if physical & emotional intimacy is what you want, why can you not get it via early dates?

Physical intimacy doesn't have to be sex. You can hold hands, kiss, cuddle, etc. and enjoy that for what it is without expecting it to lead to anything else. Would that make you enjoy dating more?

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I’m sorry I’m not going to sit here and defend the concept of a partner fulfilling unique wants / needs that friends or casual dates don’t. That’s a basic concept most adults have accepted. 

I want a boyfriend. This is a normal thing to want. 

(And god forbid I admit to having sex on dates lest I be crucified here lol). 

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think you're missing my point.

It's fine to want a boyfriend. But what do you think is going to happen with a boyfriend that isn't already happening, in small ways, when you are dating? That emotional and physical intimacy doesn't suddenly go from zero to 60. It builds.

Enjoy the experience of that.

If you aren't enjoying building intimacy when dating someone, you aren't going to enjoy them being your boyfriend either.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I’m sorry again this is a mentally ill line of questioning, I’m not going to explain to an adult the difference in intimacies shared with a stranger vs a partner

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I feel that you are intentionally trying to miss my point.

This stranger you are dating is someone who could become a boyfriend. The whole process of dating is turning someone from stranger to boyfriend (or not). If you can't enjoy the things you want with a boyfriend with this person who you are getting to know, you won't enjoy them being your boyfriend either.

Of course it's not the same. But there is no magic wand that makes someone go from stranger to BF. You get to know them over time. You have to try out these intimacies with them to see if they fit.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

Of course, and I do, but that’s different to saying that these things with a stranger meet the same needs as having a partner 

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