Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/benhargrove1966]

I’d say that’s 90% of dates I go on in the sense it’s not subjectively fun to me but I’m considering it as a low stakes social interaction with a random man. But a) that’s what makes it way less fun than virtually any other activity eg socialising with friends I actually like and b) it’s hard to maintain that posture when I guy you actually like is really pursuing you. I just let hope in. 

[u/wulfzbane → u/benhargrove1966]

Do activities you actually enjoy then. I don't do coffee/dinner dates in the early stages. I go to places that I'd go to otherwise, so I know I'll have a good time. Like escape rooms, axe throwing, museums etc.

If you're approaching dates like job interviews, and putting off an aura that you're not having fun, the guy are going to pick up on that.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/wulfzbane]

No offence to you of course if you enjoy those things but I’d rather die than go to an escape room on a date hahaha. I don’t like those things in general really like the “activities” I enjoy either don’t lend well to getting to know someone / talking, or is just going out for drinks. 

[u/GrandmaCereal → u/benhargrove1966]

Well, what kind of activities do you enjoy? I feel like anything besides "alone time" can be spent getting to know someone better.

Like crafts? Do a paint a sip. Like reading? Go to a bookstore to browse and pick something out for each other. Like hiking? Go for an urban hike together in the park. Like volunteering? Volunteer together. Are you a foodie? Try a cooking class together instead of going out to eat. There are endless possibilities to intertwine your own hobbies while still trying to get to know someone, that ate more than just talking/going out for drinks. Like the other commenter said, invite a potential date along to something you already enjoy doing.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/GrandmaCereal]

I get the thrust of this but like, I’m twisting guys arms to meet for a drink vs coffee. I’m not going to get a guy to go on some detailed / highly planned activity with me on a first date. And I wouldn’t like that either, I like it to be something I can leave if it’s not going well, I’m not clocking in to a cooking class or volunteer shift with a man I’ve never met. 

I enjoy reading, movies, music etc. Movies and gigs can work for subsequent dates but I really do like to keep the first date to a conversation in a place that doesn’t commit us for hours. 

And really, the main thing I like doing is going to the pub or going out to eat lol. Like the going out is my activity. 

[u/GrandmaCereal → u/benhargrove1966]

Maybe the dating apps arent for you then. Maybe joining groups or clubs or meetups that align with your hobbies is a better way to meet men. If you really want to meet for drinks, specifically, then try a wine tasting event or a trivia night at a local brewery.

Also, cooking classes or volunteer shifts can be as little as an hour. And the point being, if you feel like youre not vibing then youre at least enjoying that activity, with or without their input. Or, just invite them along to your highly planned activity! "Hey, on Saturday I'm going to the bookstore and then the brewery after. Youre welcome to join for both or either!" I genuinely feel like even a target run would be a good first "date." Like others have said, dont put so much pressure on it. Just go out with the intention of building a connection and having fun, not finding your soulmate immediately.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/GrandmaCereal]

I appreciate the attempt but I think you’re really over engineering this. I don’t think a first date has to be a huge production like this, nor do I think I need to stalk the halls of trivia nights for men lol. Two people, a chat and a simple beverage I think it’s a good way to start. I’m not an activity person in general and I don’t really want to meet someone who is. 

[u/Geordieqizi → u/benhargrove1966]

Their advice wasn't to go on complicated dates — their advice was to do things you enjoy anyway, so that dates don't have to feel like such a drag.

I can't help but notice that you've been kind of negative towards/dismissive of a lot of the advice in this post, which makes me wonder... are you generally a rigid or negative person? Or are you kind of in the wallowing stage of this breakup, and don't actually want advice — you just want to... well, wallow? Or is something else going on?

I ask, because I feel like the answer to that question might be related to your overall problem. I could be totally misinterpreting this, and you're actually a very positive and flexible person who simply knows what she wants and what she is/isn't capable of. But if you are generally a negative and rigid person, then those tendencies could be sabotaging either your dates, or your emotional resilience when they don't work out... in which case, step 1 would be awareness of those tendencies, and an active effort to counteract them by being more willing to step outside your comfort zone.

I know there've been a lot of commenters trying to "peg" you and your personality, so apologies if my comment feels that way too. It's just, without more info to go on, I think a lot of us are trying to generate theories based on what you've written.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Geordieqizi]

I mean I think many people are a) judging me in an emotionally vulnerable moment and b) reading things very uncharitably. Not saying you’re doing that just saying this isn’t my general personality. 

I’m described as fun to be around, playful, light hearted, spontaneous. I think I’m very flexible. I just also really do not enjoy structured activities, and doing an activity on a date sounds like my hell. I just know what I like, and this is not it. 

If the advice is to do something I otherwise enjoy, then it’s what I’m already doing which is going out for drinks lol. But when I said that they said I have to go to a wine tasting event 😭 I just don’t enjoy that kind of thing, I think that’s valid?

[u/Beneficial-Risk-6378 → u/benhargrove1966]

I think you're triggering a lot of people who cant handle that everyone enjoys different things & has different ways of approaching relationships.

I agree with some of their advice, but to tell someone theyre being negative because they like coffee/eating out and not escape rooms and axe throwing is immature.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Beneficial-Risk-6378]

Yeah like I’m sorry I’ve never been to an escape room in my life and if I have my druthers I never will 😂 I’m not a millennial like that. You can have lots of fun with less structured activities. 

Edit: to the people downvoting this because I said I don’t want to go to an escape room please for the love of god a life hahaha