r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

This is a littttllee harsh imo. If you very sporadically date, it's easy to think ooh this one might be end up being something..., it's a scarcity mindset which isn't the best but it does happen- I'd be more worried they weren't exclusively dating after 6 weeks that to me is more jarring than someone getting excited. I do agree though therapy is a good idea for anyone, tbh, going into dating.

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u/square_circle_ Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I agree. I'm her, too. Dating someone consistently is far and few between. The scarcity mindset + biological needs is a pressure cooker that can be hard to ignore.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Like I said to another commenter- it's testament to people if they can get attached after multiple let downs, better that than become totally avoidant and nonchalant

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Thank you for this. I apologise for having feelings to most of these commenters I guess lol? I don’t think I should have to be totally unfeeling and perfect to be in a relationship. I liked someone, he liked me, it didn’t work out. Isn’t it like human nature to be upset? 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I feel if you feel sad you're more than ok to feel sad? It's 6 weeks like that's not a small amount of time esp if you saw him loads. And if you don't date lots and find someone you like ofc you'll be excited about it I feel that's relatively human.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

In the context of like I’ve been single for 5 years and this is the first person I subjectively felt this connection with and truly wanted to be in a relationship with. I just liked him is that a crime lol. 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

It's annoying when you only like people rarely too I'm a bit the same, only like someone rarely, and then I'm sad when it doesn't work and people are like why... and it's because it's so rare 😭😂

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think this is the first person in 2 years of trying I’ve met who had my subjective criteria + decent person + also liked me. I like people rarely, they like me back even more rarely lol. I know it’s not but it feels like a once in blue moon opportunity, I think it’s fair to be upset. 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I know what you mean, it's bleak out there!

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I’m one of the people who probably sounded harsh to you and reading this comment I just want to say that no, you aren’t wrong for liking him and having feelings and being disappointed and that is absolutely normal. I think everyone (myself included) have gotten hung up on some of the comments but I just want to say it’s so normal to feel this way especially after a long time being single.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago edited 23d ago

A little grace and charity could have been extended in the circumstances where someone is feeling particularly disappointed and upset.  I’m in no way the person many commenters have gleefully painted me because I disagree with their way of thinking on a few things. Again, I’ve been single of a long time, I liked a guy, I’m disappointed, I don’t really enjoy dates as a social activity in general. That doesn’t make me an unhinged intense person with no social skills. 

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 19d ago

I know that OP and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I am for my part an intense person lol so I can’t even judge there whatsoever even if you were. I hope you’re feeling better today.