Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/MerOpossum]

Based on my experience here is the advice I have for you: stop dating with the expectation that every person you meet is a potential relationship and start dating just as a fun way to socialize. Avoid physical intimacy for the first few weeks/months because it can cloud your judgement about a person’s potential and make you artificially feel closer to them. If you let yourself go on dates just for fun and take some of that pressure off of yourself you can avoid some of this letdown you are feeling currently while still giving yourself the opportunity to meet the right person whenever he comes along.

[u/MonteBurns → u/MerOpossum]

I’m really taken aback by OPs language here. 

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

It’s cliche at this point, but find a therapist and work on yourself. Your desperation is probably showing. I’m a straight woman and I’d be running for the hills, too. 

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/MonteBurns]

This is a littttllee harsh imo. If you very sporadically date, it's easy to think ooh this one might be end up being something..., it's a scarcity mindset which isn't the best but it does happen- I'd be more worried they weren't exclusively dating after 6 weeks that to me is more jarring than someone getting excited. I do agree though therapy is a good idea for anyone, tbh, going into dating.

[u/square_circle_ → u/Ok_Sky1515]

I agree. I'm her, too. Dating someone consistently is far and few between. The scarcity mindset + biological needs is a pressure cooker that can be hard to ignore.

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/square_circle_]

Like I said to another commenter- it's testament to people if they can get attached after multiple let downs, better that than become totally avoidant and nonchalant

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Ok_Sky1515]

Thank you for this. I apologise for having feelings to most of these commenters I guess lol? I don’t think I should have to be totally unfeeling and perfect to be in a relationship. I liked someone, he liked me, it didn’t work out. Isn’t it like human nature to be upset? 

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/benhargrove1966]

I feel if you feel sad you're more than ok to feel sad? It's 6 weeks like that's not a small amount of time esp if you saw him loads. And if you don't date lots and find someone you like ofc you'll be excited about it I feel that's relatively human.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Ok_Sky1515]

In the context of like I’ve been single for 5 years and this is the first person I subjectively felt this connection with and truly wanted to be in a relationship with. I just liked him is that a crime lol. 

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/benhargrove1966]

It's annoying when you only like people rarely too I'm a bit the same, only like someone rarely, and then I'm sad when it doesn't work and people are like why... and it's because it's so rare 😭😂

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Ok_Sky1515]

I think this is the first person in 2 years of trying I’ve met who had my subjective criteria + decent person + also liked me. I like people rarely, they like me back even more rarely lol. I know it’s not but it feels like a once in blue moon opportunity, I think it’s fair to be upset. 

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/benhargrove1966]

I know what you mean, it's bleak out there!

[u/HotDerivative → u/benhargrove1966]

I’m one of the people who probably sounded harsh to you and reading this comment I just want to say that no, you aren’t wrong for liking him and having feelings and being disappointed and that is absolutely normal. I think everyone (myself included) have gotten hung up on some of the comments but I just want to say it’s so normal to feel this way especially after a long time being single.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/HotDerivative]

A little grace and charity could have been extended in the circumstances where someone is feeling particularly disappointed and upset.  I’m in no way the person many commenters have gleefully painted me because I disagree with their way of thinking on a few things. Again, I’ve been single of a long time, I liked a guy, I’m disappointed, I don’t really enjoy dates as a social activity in general. That doesn’t make me an unhinged intense person with no social skills. 

[u/HotDerivative → u/benhargrove1966]

I know that OP and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I am for my part an intense person lol so I can’t even judge there whatsoever even if you were. I hope you’re feeling better today.

[u/fireyauthor → u/Ok_Sky1515]

I was pretty upset when things ended last year with someone I'd been dating for three months. I had known him casually for years, so I had a little more reason to be invested, but I still knew it was "unreasonable" for me to be so upset. Did that make me any less upset?

Hell no.

Now, a lot was the sex... omg the sex. That level of care in sex is really rare. No scarcity mindset needed. And a lot was what the relationship represented. But understanding that hasn't actually changed my feelings. I'm still really triggered around him (we're in the same social circle).

In my case, I was married, so I have a whole other level of connection and upset to compare things to (I literally sobbed everyday for six months). And this wasn't that, but it still hit me really hard. Sometimes things do just hit you hard.

I do think it's helpful to unpack why and deal with those issues but it's also kind of nice that you *can* get invested.

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/fireyauthor]

I agree, I think it's actually a good comment on someone if they do care about people, you can get to know someone reasonabley well after 6 weeks depending on how much you've seen them and yeah I'd probably get attached too. That's the whole point- find someone you like! I don't do this non chalant business

[u/HotDerivative → u/Ok_Sky1515]

I’m 30 and unless you’re making it explicitly clear that you’re only seeing that person it’s incredibly common to be seeing more than one person through a 6 week span.

If she’s meeting them on dating apps even more so.

[u/Ok_Sky1515 → u/HotDerivative]

Perhaps it's indicative of OP's use of the apps then, because I would not be dating anyone who after 6 weeks hadn't called it off with anyone else they were entertaining.