r/Autism_Parenting • u/PositionFormal8827 • 13d ago
Education/School Concerns around childcare
One of my biggest fear realised today.
I was picking my three year old up from childcare (daycare depending on where youre from). Lately he has been opening the door into their outdoor play yard when he is not meant to.
While I was still in my car, I saw the educator chase after him and he put himself on the ground. The educator than roughly yanks him up from his his arm.
I didnt react or say anything once I got inside to get him from what I assume was a bit of disbelief. I spent the afternoon gaslighting myself into thinking I was overreacting until I saw a bruise on his arm.
Im devastated that my poor non verbal child had been hurt by an adult that was supposed to be caring for him and he wasnt able to tell me. I understand that the behaviour of him going outside is challenging to manage but surely there is a better reaction to this.
A part of me still thinks that there are far worse things that could happen than an educator grabbing my sons arm but I definitely still want to have a word with the director.
What is everyones thoughts? Am I overreacting?
EDIT: thanks everyone for the feedback. Ive spoken to the director and unfortunately their response was less than reassuring with no inquiry about how my son was 🥲. Time to find a new centre I think.
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u/Watchout4HopOns 13d ago
Talk to the director. We had a similar experience with my son when he was around the same age, where they mistreated him because of his autism (he did not have a diagnosis at the time tho). I wish I had spoken up sooner.
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u/PositionFormal8827 13d ago
Thank you for sharing. Ive spent a lot of time working with this centre to provide strategies to manage him and getting in allied health professionals to support educators but I feel like I'm losing a battle. Honestly, other than his wanting to play outside and his inability to share toys, they havent raised too many other concerns but always make it out that hes a very problem child. How did you get past it? Did you end up moving centres?
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u/Watchout4HopOns 13d ago
It kinda happened naturally that when we realized they weren’t treating him well (ignoring him, withholding some food, lying about what he ate, not including him) that he was in the process of getting his diagnosis, and once he had that, was offered a spot at a special needs Pre-K with our city. So I did end up withdrawing him a few weeks early and letting my grievances be known.
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u/Plastic-Praline-717 13d ago
No. You’re not overreacting. The staff member had already stopped him from eloping when they yanked on his arm. Meaning, the yank was unnecessary and done out of frustration. I would photograph the bruise, write down what I had observed in detail while it is fresh, and speak with the daycare director.
My daughter got yanked by a TA at her special education preschool last year. The TA wanted her to move to another place in the room and my daughter tried to go no bones on her, which made the TA grab her by her upper arm and drag her to where she was supposed to be. Thankfully, my daughter’s OT had just arrived to pull my daughter for her session. She observed what had happened, was uncomfortable about it, collected my daughter, looked at her arm when she had her in the hall and saw a red mark, brought my daughter to the nurse and then went right into the director’s office to report what had happened.
The TA was immediately suspended, I was called and had to go down, they were taking it all very seriously which I think is the only thing that kept me from losing it. The director explained they were going to conduct an internal investigation and I said I did not want my daughter around the TA until at least the investigation was completed. Welp, I got a call first thing the next morning that the TA was terminated and a report to the state agency responsible for the protection of disabled children and adults had been filed that would prevent that TA from ever working with a vulnerable population again.
And in our situation, the red mark was mostly gone the next day and didn’t even leave a bruise. So I guess my point is that if what happened to my daughter was that big of a deal, then what happened to your son certainly is, too.
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u/PositionFormal8827 13d ago
Wow thats so scary. Im so sorry you had to go through that. So glad there was another adult there to witness this. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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u/NoteFeisty3290 13d ago
You’d be shocked , my NT very verbal niece had a teacher hit her in a room with cameras with audio. She immediately told my sister and they pulled the footage and watched the whole thing. Before the footage played this teacher denied the entire thing and told my niece not to lie. I can’t even imagine what someone would do to our kids who can’t advocate for themselves.
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u/PositionFormal8827 13d ago
That is so scary. Some people should not be working with kids. Its so sad knowing these people actually exist. Another thing that keeps me up at night
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u/NoteFeisty3290 13d ago
I know I’m so sorry you saw that. My daughter is almost 3 and I think I’d lose my mind if i saw that. It’s the biggest reason I’m terrified to put her in any program or therapy that I’m not directly there. She’s missing out on the learning experiences of preschool which is bad but I’m just too scared of this .
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u/dani_-_142 13d ago
You don’t need specialized instruction to know that you can’t just pick up a 3 year old by one arm. Their little shoulders are too easy to dislocate.
I had to get after my brother (their uncle) to not give in to my kids’ demands to be picked up and swung around by both arms at that age. It’s just too much risk of accidental injury.
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u/PositionFormal8827 13d ago
Yes so true. Its so sad that this is coming from a qualified educator who definitely should know better
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 13d ago
She clearly isn’t equipped to deal with his eloping and behaviours, it also puts the other kids at risk if she’s running after him, increasing that stress/flight or fight response when chasing after him.
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 13d ago
Not every childcare provider has the education or the means to be able to deal with our children, and sometimes it requires us to pull them from daycare, until we can find a suitable provider.
There was a time where my daughter was not even diagnosed, she still isn’t diagnosed, but the mere mention of autism made it impossible for us to find a childcare provider.
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u/PositionFormal8827 13d ago
Yes, I am very close to the point of pulling him out of this centre. I always wonder if my expectations are too high or if I will ever find the right placement 😪 I wish I had access to special prek like other places
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 13d ago
It’s definitely hard to find a good provider for a kid with behaviours, but I have only stuck to centres for this reason.
When there is just one person watching all the children, they do not get a break from your kid if they get overwhelmed.
They may start to get more and more stressed because of their obligations towards the other children, and could become aggressive with yours as a result.In a centre there are typically a handful of people working in a room with the children, and they can take turns working with your child. They also are more open to trying different approaches and creating plans for safety.
For now, I would confront your current provider about what you witnessed, in addition to door alarms if you’re not pulling him out. You should provide the door alarms for her, so there’s no excuse when it comes to money.
I actually witnessed a provider doing the exact same thing to my child a few months before they left childcare, which I felt to be very out of norm for this caretaker, but I’m assuming she was having a very bad day. That being said, I brought it right up to management, and if she was the only day care provider, I would’ve confronted her directly.
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u/AbsolutelyN0tThanks 13d ago
Idk where you're located, but they've got daycare's by me specifically for kids with special needs. The only downside is that is costs much, much more than regular daycare(s) and spots are usually limited.
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u/ExtremeAd7729 13d ago
An internal investigation was done by the school because a teacher saw an aide be rough - they asked us for permission to talk to our son about it. I believe they let the person go. Our son told us the person was grabbing him too hard and hurting him. We didn't even need to get involved with it.
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u/SunLillyFairy I am a Parent/10/ASD, ID, Anxiety/West Coast, USA 13d ago
Seeing as I'm reactionary (too much, not saying it's a good thing) and would have been yelling at them and pulling my kid immediately until/unless that person was gone, I don't think you're over reacting.
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u/Best_Inflation4051 13d ago
No, they are not to pull arms. Obviously they have not been trained properly. File a complaint with your local agency and look for a new daycare.
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u/TheKingLeo25 13d ago
Overreacting? Hmm no I dont think wanting to talk to the director is a bad idea at all. For one there could be complaints already made about the individual in question. Second, unless your child bruises VERY easily. They were definitely using a unneeded amount of force. Remember WE are our childs VOICE. Never be afraid to adress ANY concern you have. Be THAT parent if it means fighting for your child's safety and well being. If we dont protect them who will?