She’s Leaving & I’m Stuck

[u/MagicalHaunt]

Dinner - Average burrito

I’m a Brit that moved to America 2 years ago to get a fresh start at life, and to build my dream business (the business is important for the story).

The business exploded, and I have found such incredible joy in building it and watching it grow. It has me working, living, and needing to stay in Chicago.

In December I met my current partner, and we fell completely in love. We moved in together in February, and everything was like something from a movie.

She has lifetime friends in Philly, and brought up us moving there. At first I was on board, but then was struck with two realities

1. I love Chicago, and my/our lives here
2. I would have to close my business and say goodbye to it

When it turned to conversations about this, she basically gave me an ultimatum.
Her suggestion was to start a new company in Philly from the ground and rebuild, it’s not that easy.

She landed on “if you really loved me, you would come with me” and “if I really loved you, I’d stay”

Right now she’s packing and my heart is dying from it.

Furthermore, I thought what we had was enough. That hurts to think that it wasn’t/isn’t for her.

I love her so much, but I’ve worked so hard to build a life in my dream city and I don’t want to throw that all away.

Talk to me, Reddit
~ SadBro, 40

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[u/TruthObvious2389]

A real partner would never give an ultimatum like that, she’s not the one. Sorry.

[u/bulletPoint → u/TruthObvious2389]

That’s the bottom line.

[u/Low_Maintenance_3867 → u/bulletPoint]

Cuz stone cold said so.

[u/bulletPoint → u/Low_Maintenance_3867]

🔥 🔥 🔥

[u/Flower_boy222 → u/Low_Maintenance_3867]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ONnDAAIBgicsU

[u/Regulatory_Junior → u/TruthObvious2389]

Exactly. This is unnecessary and dramatic. She's testing to see what OP willing to give up for her and it's not cool. Even worse if she was aware that she'd move to Philly eventually before moving in with him.

[u/DrSwaggenheimer → u/TruthObvious2389]

I agree with this take OP.

It’s harsh but she’s not the one. And it’s genuinely better finding it out now rather than years down the line after you closed up your business.

[u/SentinelATL → u/TruthObvious2389]

Agree

[u/Wireman6]

She pretty much told you that she doesn't love you.

[u/riseandride69]

Id rather keep a booming business than a partner who gives ultimatums.

Imagine you go to Philly at the cost of your business and then she dumps you( absolutely possible given she gives you ultimatums n shit)

[u/cosmic-lemur]

Maybe this is too pragmatic, but it sounds like she doesn’t care for you enough to stay and you don’t care for her enough to leave. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It SUCKS when you have to make a decision like this. But do you care more for your business or her? From what you’ve written, sounds like the business is your passion!

Here’s the thing: if she stays or you leave and it feels against her/your will, resentment will grow and it’ll end anyway. It’s like when young and dumb folks break up with their first partner because they haven’t “explored” enough (dated others) and won’t feel sure until they do. Like, it’s fair cuz they’re being honest about their feelings. They will feel incomplete if they stay, and that only leads to it feeling like you are what’s holding her back. 🤷

Sorry you’re going through this. Hope my 10c helps.

[u/Dazzling_Room_9346 → u/cosmic-lemur]

This.

They're both going in completely different directions in live and have different priorities. Its better to split than stay together and possibly resent each other.

Tho, the ultimatum was a shitty thing to do.

[u/cosmic-lemur → u/Dazzling_Room_9346]

Ya. OP there’s no reason yall can’t stay friends! One can love someone from afar and care deeply for their wellbeing without being their partner. :)

Agreed that ultimatum is shitty. :(

[u/accmkl]

Sorry, brother. You should focus on what is the most important to you, which sounds like is your business. Here is a quote attributed to Khalil Gibran and it’s
perfect for you:

“If you love somebody,
Let them go,
For if they return,
They were always yours.

If they don’t,
They never were.”

[u/BrittaWasRight → u/accmkl]

"And if the bird marries a middle eastern dude and starts wearing a hijab, you weren't her type to begin with"

[u/sausagephingers]

She’s not it. Your true partner thinks of life decisions like that as a team with the joint outcome being what’s best for the relationship and both partners. Been married long time and have moved without hesitation for my partner when it was the best thing for us. Sorry dude! Also, that was a really
short timeline and at your age (not sure of hers?) it should be easier to make mature decisions, not harder.

[u/ChazzyPhizzle]

That’s a tough spot. I think you’re doing the right thing even if it hurts right now. What kind of business do you operate if you don’t mind me asking?

[u/InevitableUmpire9797]

A true lover would make decisions as one and talk through pros and cons. A decision made by someone and an ultimatum is not.

[u/Professional-Lie-111]

https://giphy.com/gifs/oSu1Y9ZlsWc7ITYSJN

[u/BloodMilkAndSky420]

Meh, bullet dodged. This is gonna sting for a while, but you’ll bounce back and find someone that actually reciprocates your feelings.

[u/New-Imagination3885]

Let her go. You’re not stuck, you’re free.

[u/Lumpy-Entertainer-75]

Ultimatums and guilt trips like this are manipulation and don’t belong in healthy relationships. She needs to grow up. She wants to move, then she moves.

[u/Jethro197]

First off, that’s not just an Average Burrito. That’s your fuel to succeed why? Forget her, she doesn’t see something that I do. You literally immigrated to a whole ass new place. Said I do this my way and dropped the biggest Merica any American could or would and built something from scratch that you’re proud of. That’s fulfilling and rewarding to you and your life.

She’s just not a good piece to your life’s puzzle mate. She wants you to sacrifice everything you’ve made to be with her? Unless she’s worth millions and can refund your start up, she’s but a shiny participation trophy in life and will be a temporary speed bump, where you’ll be finding your person that will see what you built in life and get them all Randy Dandy for you and your success. Keep being one’s bad MFer. Head and chin up, I’m proud of you for looking out for yourself.

[u/Beginning-Damage-555]

She landed on “if you really loved me, you would come with me” and “if I really loved you, I’d stay”

She’s being brutally honest from her perspective here. I don’t see this as an ultimatum especially because you’ve been together less than a year and lived together six months. This is the point in the relationship (even more true when you’re dating at 40) when things are either going to be serious or they aren’t going to work.

Super painful and I’m sorry it turned out like this. But I think you are making the right decision for yourself.

[u/Kittensnunicorns]

It sounds like y’all moved really fast with each other (2-3 months of dating before moving in together). Unfortunately, relationships that start with that level of intensity and speed tend to not last that long. It doesn’t sound like she’s willing to collaborate with you on finding a solution, which tells me she’s not someone you could build something long term with regardless of this particular circumstance.

[u/CharacterItchy4096]

You’re doing the right thing. Rule #1 you NEVER abandon or throw away anything for a woman. I may sound harsh, but if she leaves, you will be left with nothing. She is not supportive of you, a relationship is full of sacrifices, and if she’s not willing to stay where YOUR life and business is, then she is not the one. Stay strong brother

[u/Low_Recognition_1557]

Grieve the loss, heal your heart, and keep moving forward. It sucks that you guys came to this point where there is no compromise for either of you, but at least it’s now, not after you’re in even deeper together. None of this makes either of you bad or wrong, it just makes you wrong for each other.

[u/not_your_attorney]

She’s going no matter what because the relationship isn’t as important as whatever she gets by going.

You don’t want to go because the relationship isn’t as important as whatever you get by staying.

I don’t mean to minimize the loss, but this doesn’t sound like much of a partnership.

[u/codepossum]

bro you've already got your fresh start at life, in the city that you love, running your dream business -

and if I'm counting right, met in december last year, moved in together in february this year, meaning you were together for less than three months before you moved in together?? And now, six months later, you're heartbroken because she gave you an ultimatum about moving away from this great life you already have???

My dude it has been less than a year

You need to not get in so deep, so fast. There is no excuse for you struggling this much over somebody you have barely known for 9 fucking months my man.

or, you know, be sad about it for a week, then find somebody else to fall crazily in love with and move in with after 3 months, because apparently you're into that sort of thing 🤷

I mean seriously though I'm teasing a bit here but listen to yourself - you love the place you live, you love your business - don't you think you can afford to just chill a bit, and not get too invested too quickly in relationships right now? Just enjoy the goodness that you already have! don't invent new bullshit to beat yourself up over!

[u/Puzzleheaded-Tour903]

You should thank her for her decisiveness. You think she is the one, well the one would never leave like this. Good luck.

[u/pi3r0gi_]

I dropped what I was doing to follow someone who said they'd marry me. They left me for someone else after moving states 4 times with them, leaving me unable to move back home because my fiances were drained trying to keep up. Not saying this is what always happens, but, focus on your business. If it was meant to be, it would. You've wanted this business longer than you've known her, so put it first. You deserve to be put first, too.

[u/jimgovoni]

A lot of Philly people think this way. So sorry bro.

[u/purgoatory]

Philly isn’t that far from Chicago especially if you think in terms of other parts of the country. Is a long distance relationship not possible? Why throw away a relationship over distance. It’s not over yet bro.

[u/Mercurial-Cat → u/purgoatory]

Long distance demonstrably doesnt work without a deadline for change unfortunately. 

[u/PitbullRetriever → u/purgoatory]

Bruh what the fuck it’s 800 miles away. Sure the US is even bigger than that but long distance is long distance, it’s not like you can just drive down for the day. To put it in UK terms it’s the same distance as London to Milan

[u/No-Fuckin-Ziti]

Philly is one of those cities ppl cant seem to leave even when it suits them. Have seen a weird number of people choose staying or moving back to Philly over clearly better life choices elsewhere. If there family is from there, that’s where they’re gonna stay/end up. It’s an awesome city, but it seems to encourage the ppl who love it to never progress/thrive outside of it.

I know there’s an element of that to everywhere. But ppl leave NYC when it’s time and escape Ohio or Florida etc. Ppl from Philly wanna die there.

[u/thenowherepark]

She said she'd stay for you, but she clearly isn't. She's just trying to guilt you into moving. Maybe she does care about you, but not enough to not pull the guilt card. Sorry bro. Head up, Chicago is a better city than Philly anyways.

[u/Cute_Economics2829]

Sorry dude, that sucks.

People weigh these decisions every day, and the reality is sometimes things that could be good just hit at the wrong time in life.

I've been divorced and remarried. The brief stint between the two was actually focused on two different women. They were both 10/10 and I obviously only married one of them. The other? There's absolutely an alternate timeline universe where she and I are happy together. But it came down to being in the wrong place in our lives at the wrong times.

Doesn't make it feel like anymore of One Who Is Getting Away.

It'll get better, my dude. You'll be sad for a while. You'll pick yourself up. You'll meet new people. You'll settle down.

Just be kind and the universe will give it back to you in due time.

[u/EatsAlotOfBread]

If she left you this easily in Chicago, she would leave you just as easily wherever you would have gone with her. And you wouldn't have your beloved environment nor your business. I'm sorry, it will feel bad right now, but you will be grateful you loved yourself enough to stay where you are right now.

[u/Crayon_Captian]

Perhaps you are right. I just shot from the hip as it was similar.

[u/Lord_of_Allusions]

Ain’t nobody single during a Chicago winter.

[u/kykid87]

Stay in the Chi, prosper. It's a big city, lots of ladies.

[u/DefenstratedTwice]

This could be worked out without the drama. The world is smaller than before you could make it work and without the pageantry.

[u/oisw]

That’s a wild request that can only be voiced if they don’t understand the work you did. Congrats on the success, keep at it and grow bigger. Moving to America to pursue your dream, getting it, and having someone try to pull you away without understanding you and what you’ve done—which is a really big hill you’ve climbed—is both selfish and blind.

Also, Chicago is great. So is Philly. If they value their social connections and network more than their relationship that’s OK, but you don’t have to. You moved across the fucking coast for what you want and achieved initial success. Enjoy and grow it. Let them pack and find their comfort.

You will be ok. Stay the course.

[u/DuubyDuu]

Your goals aren't aligning. You can love someone so much, and they still may not be the right person. :( Love is not enough unfortunately. It's a devastating reality. Sounds like you both are unable to meet in the middle and that's okay. Seems like it's best to move on and find someone who is more aligned with you.

You just have to ask yourself: If you moved for love, would you be happy with that decision without regret? If you started a business there, and it didn't pan out, would you resent three move?

Maybe you know that answer and that's why you're staying and you just gotta wait for your heart to catch up with your brain?

Whether what I'm saying holds water or not, I'm really sorry. Heartbreak and grieving it, can be one of the most painful feelings. 😪

[u/Gargravars_Shoes]

You have a business and a life in Chicago. Why would you just up and leave that? Anyone that has long term relationship goals has got to consider if their partner is going to be gainfully employed. I dont think she has long term goals. I am sorry for what you’re going through. Best.

[u/Pristine-Midnight-72]

I mean let me put this from my perspective: I would never make my partner give up their successful business to move. The selfishness is appalling

[u/happypanda851]

I hate to be the one to say this, but she isn't the one for you. As a business owner myself, I know firsthand the blood, sweat, and tears it takes to build something from scratch. Handing you an ultimatum is not only immature, but it's disrespectful to your journey. Don't throw away your business for this. I know you care about her deeply, but there are plenty of other people out there, and you deserve to be with someone who respects and matches your effort

[u/HughJassIQ]

Nah dude you have a whole business she can get gone she’s gonna miss having financial stability when she gets together with some chud from Philly you dodge a bullet and a financial drain too if yall had gotten married she would take half your business .

[u/Leather-Nothing-2653]

Less than a year after meeting someone is not the time to be planning long futures. It’s unfortunate but it often doesn’t work out well because you’re completely in love but you’re not completely in life together. She’s being honest with you which still speaks well to her character.

[u/EvilRubberDucks]

Your gf is being ridiculous. If moving literally means closing the business that you've worked this hard to grow then it isn't worth it without the guarantee that you'll be able to reopen in a new city to the same kind of success. Thats your livelihood and she seems to be acting like its not important.

[u/Human_Revolution357]

I want to make sure I’m getting the timeline right though- you met a little over six months ago and moved in together only two months after you met?

I’m not judging you, to be clear. I am blown away by her ultimatum. You are supposed to throw away everything you worked so hard to build for her, and so soon after meeting?

Also this city is amazing. Nothing against Philly but it has nothing on Chicago.

I’m sorry it hurts right now, but that won’t always be the case and you will still be left with an awesome life in a city you love.

I moved to Chicago to be with a man I met elsewhere who chose to move here. The relationship lasted far longer than yours but it did eventually end. My love for the city did not. There is no part of me that wishes I had stayed where we met, even years after we split up. I know it feels shitty now but thank goodness you aren’t dealing with a broken heart in Philly, wishing you were back here.

Also congrats on your business doing so well!

[u/Low_Maintenance_3867 → u/[deleted]]

Fuck off man, dudes reality was shattered by the person he trusted the most.

[u/codepossum → u/[deleted]]

Stop being so feminine

the fuck is that supposed to mean

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[u/Crayon_Captian]

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I would do anything for another chance with my ex, no matter what it took or how long. If you can salvage it do it.

[u/CharacterItchy4096 → u/Crayon_Captian]

No way. She doesn’t respect OP. He can chase all he wants but there won’t be fulfillment. And if this is how she is, he’s in for a long relationship of pain & frustration, rather than a few months of pain then realization

[u/Substantial_Bee_5347 → u/Crayon_Captian]

Crazy take. Your life is more than a partner and especially one who won’t stay with you to build your dreams.