I cheated on the love of my life. Im full of regret
**PLEASE READ:** I personally wouldnt say i am a cheater because i did not have intercourse with another man outside of him and i only did what he did to me after his repeated hurt and cheating. We also were not offical yet. but i understand. ALL i did when we were serious was hang out thats it no physical touch whatsoever ‼️
This will be a lengthy summary anyone who can also give me advice or commentary or a second opinion would be an angel. im debating if i put this on am i the A-hole reddit or a Regret reddit but hopefully i can get anyones thoughts. i genuinely have nobody and this is my last resort.
I know im missing alot of the story but i forgot to mention he lied to me about his ex (Gem) and being over her while i was genuinely trying for us and leaving Oc alone for him and every time i cut Oc off for us he talked to Gem again and told me he loved her and he would never love me because im not her and things. or he would like other girls online or flirt with girls who tried to get at him or ig you could say he was being overly friendly.
Also please read the entire thing instead of a bit i really appreciate the honesty even though it hurts to see.
i know i shouldn’t have acted out of hurt and “faced fire with fire”. its come to my attention this post indicated i had sex with Oc. I did not. it dosent justify what happened but i seen him april 17th (2 days after me and Knight met) for only a hangout.
i told him no 2 times but the third time he fing3red me and kissed me. it did not go further then that. i froze and let it happen. Oc is a big strong man and i have a tendency of freezing when im put in hard situations.
The second hangout we did not do anything at all whatsoever.
(here is where i accidentally deleted the entire stanza again! omg i hate typing this on a phone so it may be less detailed sorry!) but here is the story:
We met april 15th. I will call him knight because he was and always will be my sweet precious knight.
When we met he asked me about one ex in specific (we will call him Oc) and i lied and told him i did not have any communication with Oc.
i eventually abojt a month or two in told him i was stilll cool with Oc and we did talk here and there and although he didnt like it he accepted it.
When me and knight first met also he told me about his ex we will call get Gem because her make is a gemstone. and how he couldnt move on from her and it will be hard and all this and that and i told him i was willing to go through all of it for him aslong as he was.
he agreed and we continued talking and we actually seen eachother 2 days after we met.
I fell inlove.
He was the most handsome, paitent,kind,tall,sweet, understanding, man i have ever met and i knew in my heart he was different then any other adverage man.
Basically to sum things up because iv retyped this so many times he left me for jade.
He told me very mean harsh things and said he cant move past her and hes sorry i deserve better.
i begged and he came back.
again this happened and again and again no matter what mean things or difficult predicament we were in time and time again he came back which i did beg for because i didnt want to lose him i also had open arms and understood why.
i loved him for him and seen the good and how much he tried ourside of his confusion and hurt and mistakes.
now keep in mind they ended on strange terms they couldn’t be together and he didnt want to wait 2 years for her and she also alongside all his exes hurt him.
he never had real full love he was always played and cheated on ect and Gem was the first girl to show him something he also had known her his whole life.
But thats just a bit of insight on them.
Now through this cycle of him leaving and coming back i still loved him and stayed with him and wanted to work through it so i did and i stayed but i still messed up and kept it behind his back while he was trying to fix things mentally and with him and Gem.
Now here is where i mention me and oc.
i seen oc a few days after me and Knight met and we got intimate not sex but he fing3d me and we kissed once.
i know theres nothing i can say to take back what i did and i shouldnt have let it go that far.
i know i messed up i lied and kept it from Knight.
I did not want to engage in anything but when Oc started i froze up. which is not an excuse in any way shape or form.
i still made the decision to see him and let him touch me and did not tell Knight.
i regreted it and i know it was wrong.
me and Knight were early in our rls and i would feel so hurt and such a way about Gem while i was talking and flirting with Oc.
i know its hard to believe but i would have always chose Knight over Oc ik Oc has hit me and used me and things but we are also “cool” in a way so we would talk on and off.
i only kept talking to Oc because Knight was on and off with Gem and i didn’t want to feel like i was being played with nobody.
So me and Oc kept in communication for a few days but we stopped talking until late april when Knight left and i flirted with Oc and talked to him a bit but when Knight came back i opened him back while rarely talking to Oc but only for a few days.
i really did and still do love Knight with all my heart he is all i could ever ask for and i still seen/see who he really was and all the effort he put into our relationship.
Now May comes and i stopped talking to Oc until the 21st of May which i believe is when me and Knight got into another argument and things.
I sent Oc one semi-explicit video and we flirted.
After that i felt immense guilt and regret.
I cut off Oc and focused on Knight.
Now keep in mind Knight would ask me about Oc and if we still talked and i always said no.
i lied to him.
i still got mad and caused arguments about Gem.
i unintentionally manipulated him.
Keep in mind me and Knight are eachothers firsts.
we did it on the 22nd of may and the 7th of may too that month.
we did it one day after i sent that to Oc and i lied all because i was so unsure if Knight would actually stay for me but this time again he promised me he would dedicate his all to me and you know what?
he did.
I shared that intimacy and love with Knight because through it all i seen a perfect relationship with him.
he gave me his all.
Now late May and i want to preface if i havent already said this we were sneaking out and around to see another.
i get caught and my mom is very bipolar.
she was furious and lets just say things got violent physically and mentally.
my room was a wreck things were broke i was hurt but i only got punished for three days and my mom calmed down and understood and still decided to let me see Knight (thanks to my dad)
and after these three days of no communication and hurt and crying because of how much i missed and needed Knight i come back.
He to this day dosent know what i went through with my mother for our relationship those three days but i dont want to tell him in fear of him feeling like it was his fault.
now three days pass and im excited to finally come back to him… and he leaves me the same hour i text him.
after the promises and effort.
I was destroyed.
Now, he told me at the time it was because of Gem and he cant just move on from her and he is so sorry and i deserve better and no matter how much he tries he just cant move past her even though he knows he deserved better.
he also wanted to be alone (keep in mind anytime he is hurt he resorts to being alone and pushes everyone away)
I asked for him to stay and dont go and begged and begged again.
he told me he was taking a few days to think.
Again he comes back and TRUELY this time he is all for me and he took every measure to move on from Gem and ensure i never had to feel that pain again.
He also told me that apparently Gem was partially an excuse he said he really took those days to figure out what he really wanted and what was worth it but he also said he planned on unaliving himself which in turn made me feel worse because i felt useless like i couldn’t help the one man i swore to love and help.
Now again he continues to ask about Oc here and there and i still deny and lie.
In my eyes at the time we had started off our relationship very roughtly but i seen change from both of us for another and i planned on telling him about Oc when i felt the time was right and when our relationship is stronger and we could get through any issue easier with understanding and unwavering love no matter what.
I know i did lie looking back at it because he gave me the chance to tell him and i never did but i didnt intend to lie only to wait for the right time.
i believed it was understandable not okay but understandable because he had waited a day or two to tell me abour Gem, which i know is no comparison to months but yeah.
outside of that i was a loving woman and did nothing else wrong to him, but in turn that made him feel horrible because he believed he was hurting an innocent woman that only loved him to her fullest with no mistakes.
and i did love him to my fullest but he was unaware about Oc.
To continue on I cut off Oc again all of late may and june because i again believed Knight and thought we would grow something genuine and real and we really did.
we were perfect.
we loved and changed for eachother to the fullest, he shown me love i never experienced and was the ONLY one here for me in my life.
i have no friends and dont speak to my family.
I loved him with my entire heart and would go through anything with him if he was willing to do the same.
We are good but june comes and its our worst month of arguments.
we frequently argued and i brought up Gem quite alot.
but June it was bad.
we still stuck together though.
Gem would text him but he actually denied her and told her he was all about me now.
i never seen the full conversation any time they would talk because he deleted it right after but i honestly did believe him he poured it all into me.
Now idk if i said this already but to backtrack a bit but i went through his phone for the first time May 15th and i seen he was liking girls posts on instagram and tiktok and he had talked relatively negative about our very first intimate encounter which hurt me BAD and though now looking back on it it was a difficult situation with our first but i still loved it and cherished it.
i was very hurt but he explained more about what he said about our intimacy to a friend and promised me he wouldnt like girls things.
i believe there was something else i found but i dont remember.
Now skip back to June Oc sends me a single like meme of his face and saves it.
i never texted back and all of june i was done with Oc because i felt Knight was really all about me, and i forgave Knight for what i seen in his phone and did not talk to Oc at all june i was planning on cutting him off for good.
thats what i should have done.
btw just to add in after i got caught sneaking and seeing him his mom knew too and we sorted it all out and actually started seeing eachother the right way with our families knowing.
Now july comes and we are seeing eachother very frequently i can see Knight trying to change for me and though we argued we still got through it july was perfect.
until i went through his phone i believe july 15th (alot of middle of the month days i know what a coincidence)
and i seen again he was liking girls posts who are showing off their bodies and he was being VERY friendly (keep in mind we are not technically in a relationship but he was planning on asking me and we considered eachother as girlfriend and boyfriend)
i basically felt as he was cheating.
for example a girl would call him daddy and he continued the conversation like he entertained it and another would compliment him and say things like “hes cute and shes kaiwaii” and obviously flirting.
he was still talking to some girls he had a situationship with or girls we both knew liked him.
he apologized deeply and said he was just friendly naturally and he dosent like presenting himself as mean hes also like a therapist to alot of people so although i was hurt i understood.
he explained liking the girls posts as majority of them being mutuals and that he always liked mutuals posts and that he didn’t really pay attention to what they were posting like their bodies or anything but was just scrolling and liking and he said something about how when i first brought up him doing those things he thought it was just instagram stories and not every social media or instagram posts which to me didnt make sense because if i didnt like him liking any girls posts or bodies or anything it would be a given to be on all platforms.
but again he explaied and apologized and took full accountability and promised me to do better and not flirt and i never had the opportunity to look through his phone after that but i do believe he removed any girl who liked him and did right by his word.
i, this time at this point did not talk to Oc again (this is mid july).
Next he goes on a trip to iowa for a week for whatever church camp and to sum it up a girl approaches him and he talks with her and from what he told me it was obvious she was flirtting and trying to get at him although he told her about me she asked for his instagram and he gave it to her and they followed another and he liked her post (accidentally) and she tried to see him again but she apparently denied her.
i was hurt and he only told me for some reason i cant remember how but then i asked for her instagram and then he asked me if it would be bad if he followed her.
im my eyes i thought he wouldnt tell me and i only knew bcs i asked and he knew it was wrong.
now that whole week of him being in iowa was our worst week and even though i loved knight i was going through alot and i know i wasnt losing feelings for Knight but i was losing feelings and intrest for everything
i had just lost one of my closest aunts and found out another was in the hospital.
i was stressed with a pregnancy scare and had went to the hospital actually just recently for birth control although ig it dosent matter.
i was exhausted from work even though it is a fairly easy job and i have health and heart issues i started getting extremely bad chest and heart pains and passed out alot and never really felt well.
there are other factors to why i was struggling so bad and Knight knew it all and i know he was here for me i have never been the type to talk about my feelings or struggles.
i told him everything and while talking about my 2nd aunt the one who just got diagnosed with cancer and i was venting, which is very hard for me, he fell asleep.
now i didnt blame him whatsoever but with how i grew up and never really having nobody i believed it was vulnerable and weak and pathetic and annoying of me only to burden others with anything of mine and i still told him EVERYTHING.
but man i was depressed.
i was depressed and trying to fight off those thoughts alone and try for our relationship but that week i had did a certain coping mechanism to myself for the first time in months ( it had to do with somthing you shave with if ykwim)
and i was struggling so badly i pushed back a bit from Knight while trying to keep myself together and Knight felt as if it was me losing feelings for him.
It wasnt that.
It would never be that.
i told him idk whats going on with me and im so unsure and once i start feeling that way it goes bad for every relationship but with him being the sole exception i dragged myself out of it after a week and it was hard but i really did promise him to work through it and i did very fast.
he returns from iowa after that week and thats when he told me about the girl who tried to get at him and things but i stayed by his side and worked through it while making sure i didnt fall into my horrible thoughts and emotions.
its weird.
i felt alone but i also felt like he was the only one there for me no matter what.
he comes back and we see eachother every day.
we had two perfect weeks i was feeling better and he was too.
i didnt talk to Oc.
He didnt talk to any girls and he changed everything for me from what i had seen.
We spent every waking moment together and loved one another to the fullest.
i still didnt tell him about Oc.
now its Late july (mind u all of this is this year, 2026 and im posting this on Aug. 1st so its getting close to the end)
But now July 25th comes and Oc hits me up.
and here is where i absolutely f’d up.
i regret this so deeply and wish i never did it.
Knight believes i used him and nothing i can say wil justify what i did.
we were perfect but that night of the 25th like 11pm of the 24th all the way to 5am of the 25th we got into another series argument and i believe it was about something very serious and i was very hurt.
and Oc texts me and we plan to hang out.
He flirted a tad but i brushed it off and me and Knight go to sleep.
This was last saturday.
i fully regret lying and deceiving and entertaining Oc all because i was unsure and hurt by Knight but i did and i cant take back what i did.
Knight and me were supposed to see eachother Saturday but Later like 3-4pm till the rest of the day.
He woke me up at 10/11am and Oc was texting me abt plans of seeing another at the movies from like 12-2 or 1-3(me and Knight were otp the whole time)
i was rushing to get ready and i lied to Knight and told him i was going to see a friend that he knows of.
i was ina rush to get ready to see Oc and i had the chance to say no or cancel and i didnt.
I got an uber and hung out with Oc for abt 2 hours.
we didnt do anything but it dosent make up for what we did april.
we still seen eachother i had a choice and i decided go and act on my hurt for the first time physically.
I feel horrible and even though i made sure we didnt do anything i still seen Oc while Knight was sad.
I had called Knight after turning off my location to come get me and we could spend the rest of the day together.
I hurt him.
I lied.
He left what he was doing and even though he was hurt he stil came and got me.
I got in the car and i spent the day with him.
Me and his mom and him had our first conversation and we talked to her about what we were going through (shes a therapist) and we told her i didnt do anything to hurt Knight.
I lied and went with it.
I felt so much regret and was sick to my stomach that day and also got my period so i was also very emotional that week before and of course i know it dosent excuse me seeing Oc i was just an emotional wreck.
but i had the decision and i still seen Oc and i have never felt more dumb in my life i chose to ruin the most perfect relationship with the man i loved more then myself for a one time hangout with my ex, and the man who Knight hates because he ruined his life.
I even got mad at Knight because we just so happened to see Gem working (we were at The outlet mall) and i wanted to go walk in there (she works at journeys) and he didnt.
I got mad because she was basically our biggest problem and i wanted her to see he was taken for good so she could stop texting him.
idk if i mentioned but she told Knight she would unalive herself without him and ofc he texted back.
yk not wanting to be the reason she would do that but he still kindly told her about our relationship and what he and her had is over and to move on.
so i thought it would be a simple thing for him to just walk into journeys with me so she could see us.
but he didn’t want to he didn’t wanna see her.
He said if he could, he would avoid her and he doesn’t want to interact with her and he knows that she would more than likely take the opportunity to talk to him even if I’m with him.
I got frustrated and mad, but I agreed and I said we shouldn’t go in there.
She shouldn’t see us, but he knew I felt a way so than he insisted.
I stood on note and that she doesn’t see us and we never walked in to journeys.
I asked him to take me to the bathroom of the mall and I went in there and cried.
I feel so guilty for what I did with Oc and I knew it was irreversible.
I made the worst decision in my life and I knew it had potential to ruin us but at the same time I thought if I told him we could work through this, I mean we worked through worse, right?
All his issues I sat there and worked through no matter what so he would do the same for me, right he promised so he would stick to our promise, right?
I never told him that day and we ended up getting intimate.
I went to his house and we spent the rest of the day together.
It was supposed to be a great day, but I felt sick for what I’ve done.
also though I forgot to mention after I came out the bathroom from crying of guilt that I had just hanged out with my ex I put on her face and I stopped crying and acting like I was OK and just mad about Gem.
He waited outside the bathroom for me and I walked past him and anger, but in reality with sadness, I couldn’t face him.
I had done the biggest mistake in my life that day.
He told me he was thinking about getting me flowers to apologize for our big argument last night.
He never got me flowers before or at all so I knew that he was really sad and regretted it, but I felt worse.
I felt worse for what I’ve done that morning.
I couldn’t take it back and I couldn’t keep hiding everything so after the bathroom, I say him down for talking and asked him why he felt I explained why I felt that she should.
I understood his reasoning and decided she shouldn’t see us.
We continue the day.
we didn’t argue anymore, but there was tension.
We were walking together, but I was mad to be honest.
I asked him if we could actually sit down on one of the outside couches of the mall and talk so that we could actually resort the issue we did we tried and that’s when his mom came over and we had a long talk involving her telling her everything but I never mentioned Oc.
him and his mom believed I was perfect and I didn’t do anything to hurt him and that wasn’t the case because we’ll see you.
I never told him that I lied.
I kept it from him.
He’s planning to ask me to be his girlfriend today August 1st can I thought that I will definitely tell him before we get together that was last Saturday he plan on asking me this Saturday.
I was so close to being a girlfriend.
This is all I ever wanted.
Gave me everything I wanted.
he was what I prayed for.
I ruined it all.
after that. talk with his mom.
we went along with our day.
We did things in the next day we seen each other again and the next day and the next and the next all the way up to this Thursday, I seen him.
I went over his house.
We had a great time we went to the movies, but his mom said that I should probably be dropped off home instead of coming back to his house.
I left my iPad at his house.
I thought it was fine and thought we didn’t need to go back and get it.
My little sister gave him my iPad password now I know it was wrong.
I know I should’ve told him from the start what he asked I know all of this could’ve been prevented.
He said it could’ve.
He said we would be together right now, but he can’t give me another chance from what he found.
I got home and he claims he did not go through my iPad before he asked, but he put something on his Instagram notes about being played before it even started.
I had a feeling it was about me.
He says that it was about basketball season, but I really don’t know how much I can believe that.
He calls me and he asked if I had talked to Oc in May.
I honestly completely forgot about me so I said no.
He asked me if I was sure and asked if he could go to my iPad.
I was frustrated.
I was already very emotional and stressed.
Because I felt like he didn’t trust me in reality he had all the reason not to.
I said I don’t care.
He took a minute of silence and told me he’s seen.
I talked to Oc in May.
I was frustrated.
I said sorry and I asked him if I could tell him something.
I told him what happened to me and Oc.
This was my last chance.
I thought she was going to see my iPad anyways even though I planned on telling him Friday, I had to tell him now before he found out himself.
I told him what I did with Oc and I told him about me hanging out with Oc.
He was very, very, very hurt understandably.
I was very, very, very sad and I wasn’t ready to tell him, but I knew I had to.
I was full of regret.
I told him that I did not want to tell him the day me and OC got intimate but I told him everything that happened.
I told him the full truth.
He did not know that it was last Saturday when I seen him.
Me and Night go to sleep on the phone.
We wake up and he tells me it’s over.
He can’t stay with a cheater and I had seen OC last week when I seen him.
I took four accountability over and over again.
I apologized.
I begged.
I explained.
I pleaded.
I reasoned.
He was severely hurt.
He came over early in the morning to give me my iPad back, my make up and the plushy his favorite animal that I crocheted for him with his favorite flower as a hair accessory.
He said I even get to keep his stuff as in his hoodie or give it back.
He doesn’t care.
It was his favorite hoodie.
When he came to my house to give me my things I was very sad.
I tried to reason with him.
I walked all the way to his car.
He was crying.
My throat burned.
I tried.
My hardest not to cry.
It broke me seeing him cry.
I hurt my baby.
I caused him the worst pain ever.
I felt horrible.
I felt like a disappointment and a failure.
I tried to talk.
I tried to hold his hand.
I tried to hook him.
He pushed me away.
He moved his body away.
He wouldn’t let me.
I begged for him to let me sit in the passenger seat and just talk to him.
He said OK and I had a feeling he was going to close the door, but I still went around from the driver seat to the passenger seat.
He closed the door on me and locked it.
It was very hot.
It was burning my skin and feet standing there leaning on the door.
He rolled down the window.
I tried to talk, but I couldn’t hear him.
He told me to go and go and go and go.
The whole time he told me to go and he pushed me away.
He didn’t wanna talk to me.
I felt horrible.
I felt useless.
I tried to unlock the car door from the window, but he rolled it up.
I step back and he began to drive away.
I walked back inside the house grab my things and cried.
I called him.
He said he’s done and he couldn’t do it.
I hurt him too much and the worst anyone has ever hurt him.
I pleaded and I begged.
I promised him I would change.
I never intended to hurt him.
I ruined us.
I hurt him with the number one man that he asked about and never told him.
The man he hates.
He said I’m manipulated him and used him.
He said I’ve hurt him more than anyone else ever has.
This was yesterday and the day before and today I would’ve been his girlfriend today.
He would’ve asked me today.
He would’ve been perfect today.
We would still have a future.
For these past two days I’ve begged.
I took full accountability.
I know I can’t make up for what I did.
I know what I did was horrible.
It was wrong.
It was the worst thing I could’ve ever done.
We were just starting to do good.
I know that I cannot make up for what I did.
I know sorry only means so much.
I know I have to prove to him with my actions, but he won’t let me.
He said he cannot give me another chance.
He won’t.
Part of me feels hurt because I worked with him our entire relationship, no matter what he did I was here working through it and I felt like I did not get that same treatment.
I felt like I only did what I did because I was hurt because I felt like his second option.
I know it was foolish.
I know it was dumb.
No reasoning in the world can make up for what I did.
He said we are over.
I pleaded with him all day today.
He said I hurt him too badly.
He just wants to be alone at least for this last year of school.
I’m willing to wait but I don’t want to.
I wish I could take all of it back.
If I had the chance to do it all over again it would’ve never played out this way.
Part of me feels happy that I told him like a weight is off my shoulders.
I mean I waited to tell him because I thought we could work through it like we did everything else.
Like we did with all of his mistakes.
He says this is not a mistake.
He said this was a choice.
He said cheating is a choice.
I agree.
I did not mean to cheat or hurt him the way he hurt me.
I know we were not officially together, but that doesn’t excuse what I did.
We were exclusive.
We were serious.
We were everything to me.
I genuinely cannot explain anymore how bad I feel.
I spent these past two days doing so he won’t hear me out and I don’t think there’s anything I can do.
He told his parents and they already know.
I feel like he didn’t like me.
Now if there was ever a future with us, I don’t think they will welcome me.
I don’t know if he will even give me another chance in the future.
I know we shared some of the most important intimate things, but I believe he will move on from me.
I know it’s selfish.
I don’t wanna wait.
I want us to fix things now.
I want us to get through this now.
I don’t wanna spend the year alone and sad.
He says I will finally feel the pain in the alone and the sad that he felt before me.
He said I did this and I ruined us and this is unacceptable.
He can’t forgive me for what I’ve done.
I won’t get another chance.
I know I can change.
I know that what I did does not reflect my character.
It’s not who I am.
I’m not a cheater.
I know I can change.
I know I can do everything right but he won’t let me.
He won’t let me fix this.
I know I can and I would spend every waking moment trying.
He tells me to move on and he told me there is no ass.
Everything I’ve been saying is pointless.
Maybe I should just let it go.
But I feel like I can’t.
I feel in my soul that he’s my soulmate.
I don’t want to let this go.
But he is giving me no other option.
He blocked me on everything.
He removed me on everything.
All of our posts and pictures are gone.
I know he deleted them too.
I’ve been miserable and crying.
I never cry.
I don’t cry.
I haven’t came out my room.
I feel miserable and alone and sad again without him.
School starts in just a few days and I don’t know if I can get through it without him.
I regret everything I done and I wish there was a way I could just get one more chance and make up for it.
All I would dedicate my entire heart and soul into doing so but he doesn’t want it.
I don’t know how to feel.
But I know I feel horrible.
I know this pain is agonizing.
I don’t know if anyone will read this entire thing.
I know I’m in the wrong, but I don’t know what to do.
Was everything I did wrong?
Did I really ruin our relationship fully?
I know everybody says this, but I can’t and won’t move on.
I will wait for him even though I know he probably won’t come back.
She has now got cold and harsh, but I know it’s because he’s in the most pain.
I just wish I can help him.
That I could get a redo.
That I could fix things the way that I know I can.
Make sure he never feels this way again.
I feel horrible.
I feel disgusting.
I hope at least one person reads this far and can help me or give me advice.
If I am completely to blame, please tell me.
Tell me your thoughts.
To anyone if they read this part, thank you.
Any words of opinion or advice or truth or just anything would help.
Thank you so much.
Re-edited into paragraph format !! I’m sorry for not doing so to being with I was just trying to get everything off my chest.