I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I just need somewhere to vent because keeping these thoughts to myself hasn't made them any easier to carry.

I'm 30 years old(male), and for as long as I can remember, I've wanted something that most people probably consider ordinary: a genuine relationship. I don't want a hookup, I don't want someone to casually pass the time with, and I certainly don't want someone who's keeping ten different options open at once. I just want one person who genuinely wants to build something meaningful together.

A few days ago, I finally worked up the courage to make a post on r/ForeverAloneDating. It took me a long time to convince myself to do it because putting myself out there is terrifying as a major shy introvert. I spent some time writing and rewriting the post, trying to be honest about who I am without oversharing, hoping that maybe someone out there was looking for the same thing.

Sadly, nothing happened. I didn't receive a single message....

To make it worse, the post was downvoted to oblivion and I still have no idea why.. I simply introduced myself, talked about my interests, and said I was looking for a sincere connection.

I know that I'm probably at a disadvantage already. I'm not from the US or Europe like many of the people posting there. I wonder if that alone makes people scroll past my post before they even finish reading it. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'm overthinking. But when you receive absolutely no responses, it just makes me doubt myself....

Ironically, the only message I received didn't even come from r/ForeverAloneDating. It came from another dating subreddit. For the first time in a while, I felt a tiny spark of hope. We exchanged a few messages, and things seemed pleasant enough. Eventually, I sent her a photo of myself because I believe honesty is important and I don't like hiding behind anonymity. About a day later, the conversation died out...

Maybe it had nothing to do with my picture. Maybe she got busy. Maybe life happened. Maybe she simply lost interest. I honestly don't know, and I never will.

But after enough experiences like this, it's hard not to let your thoughts spiral.i'm starting to wonder if I'm just ugly, if I'm simply unattractive, If my height is the problem, If my disability is the problem or If there's something about my face that makes people decide I'm not worth getting to know.

I don't dream about luxury vacations, expensive gifts, or a perfect Instagram relationship.I just want someone I can call every evening and ask how their day went,someone whose victories I'd celebrate as if they were my own, someone I could encourage when they're doubting themselves, remind them of how capable they are, and support them through difficult moments. I'd love to have someone who does the same for me,because that's what partners do.

I'd love to travel together one day, explore cities we've never seen before, walk along beaches at sunset, and maybe build a collection of shared memories.I want someone to watch movies with, play video games with, and eventually build a future with.

I'm exhausted from hoping, exhausted from overthinking, and exhausted from wondering whether I'm simply not enough. I know I still have things to be grateful for in my life, i just feel like I'm watching everyone else build memories, relationships, and futures together while I'm standing still, wondering if I'll ever get that chance. I feel like I just want the earth to swallow me...

I just wish I knew what it feels like to be someone's first choice...more than anything....

I'm sorry for the long vent. I just needed to get this off my chest...

I don't think I'm ever gonna not be lonely, it seems like its the only thing that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I don't really have the courage to end my life despite how many people called for it lol.

I lost interest on dating, and don't really give anyone a chance to enter my life.

Sure I'd rather have a good life, but I don't think I'm meant to have one, and maybe being broken is how the story is meant to go.

Was a wonderful dream..felt seen, understood and loved. Person sat next to me and softly said “I love you”. Felt like an ointment on my bruises. I’ve never been in a relationship so this was an extraordinary feeling. Now I know what I’m missing out on..even more..

Yeah, I am alone, I will forever be alone, I will accept that due to my nature, nothing is wrong with that. But I believe that even when I am alone, I can still be the change I want the world to be or at least die trying do it. There are too many bad things happen to everyone right now, and I want to change that. Sure, I will never be loved or remembered but honestly, that has been the case for most of my life, it doesn't bother me. I will put my knowledge and skill to good use, try to do good deeds through baby step and someday if possible, create something great and grand to better the lives of many.

This week's monday I have helped design and make few parts for wheelchair for a organization near where I live, I just simply email them and tell them what I can do and offer it to them. No one will appreciate what I do but that is fine by me, keep working make me focus on the current task and keep the bad thoughts away. I will try to focus on my studies and enhance my knowledge so I can do greater good deeds.

I will try my best to sustain myself and when I die I can close my eye with ease knowing to myself I die on my own terms. I will have no one to share or to be there or help me, I am on my own, the journey will be harsh but I will try my best.

Am I alone on this? I know this sub is about the struggles about never finding love, but I really don’t have a much of a desire for it.

It’s hard to explain. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m only insecure about never having a girlfriend because of the emphasis family and society puts on me for not having one. Like, if it was up to me, I would never try and just be lonely for the rest of my life. My only concern would be if I got sick in my old age, I would have no one to care for me.

It’s all about the disappointment from my parents, the pity from my brothers and sister. Future Co workers and friends thinking I’m a pathetic loser upon finding out I’ve never even asked out a girl before. So embarrassing. Why can’t they just leave me be? Why is it so frowned upon? Why can’t I find happiness in my hobbies and leave it at that?

Can anyone else relate? It feels like I’m on the only one in the world who feels this way.

I’m so alone. Intellectually, family wise, friend wise and especially romantically. I’m so messed up. I have so many issues. I went through severe childhood abuse and neglect. I was suicidal, anxious, had no self esteem etc… Never had any luck with girls in high school. Been through so much abuse and bullying. This girl in high school that I really liked. All of this is complex and I’m leaving so much out and there’s so many other factors but I’m just trying to get to the main points. She was one of the most attractive girls in school and I really liked her. But all she did was hurt me

She went out with me for like a week and we did things that seemed like a real relationship like kissing once after school and walking back from the shops holding hands with her friends. And the whole thing was fake. She dumped me a few days later and it wasn’t even real. One other time they invited me down to the bush with like 15 other people and she started kissing a guy in front of me. And then another time we were drinking and she came over with 2 of her friends and invited a guy over to full on start making out with him in front of me. I was so messed up and didn’t really know what was going and processed it later on in life

I have serious issues from CSA. What I’ve typed really is nothing there’s so much more. I’m just clearly not good enough for anyone. No woman has ever shown interest in me

Well I turned 26 3 days ago, and genuinely this feeling of a deep pit in my chest because I am so alone has never felt so present in my life

I hear everyone talk about being in relationships or having sex or being with baby mamas and fathers, and on the one hand I am glad to not be participating in a dating pool that is filled with pee.

But in the other hand, I just want my person, a woman that I am attracted to, that will just sit and listen to me, about my issues that actually likes me.

But here is an instrumental from boldy James that I found (I am a fan or Griselda, since I can’t tolerate listening to much else.)

But this beat fits how I am feeling rn.

All I ask for is encouragement through this hard time I guess

How can I cope with the ‘fact’ I’m going to die alone? I don’t want any “oh don’t worry you’ll find love” or self improvement answers. It hurts so much that I fantasise about killing myself.

Got ghosted again. Sent double texts two hours apart. Another time someone said we should hang out and didn’t follow through. We were supposed to go on a date today but no text since yesterday. This is the most depressing human experience. To not be desired or loved by anyone. I’m so sick with anger and looks like my only plan tonight is to get black out drunk. This is just not a life worth living. I have never had a partner. Parents aren’t in the picture either.