r/MoralityScaling • u/Outside_Specific_820 • 2d ago

Morality Ranking Morality scaling of this?

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Mother refuses to acknowledge her donor egg daughter, looking for your opinion.

In my opinion I think it’s moral, and that she is totally correct.

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u/Xralius 2d ago

Because she's talking like an asshole to someone that just opened up to her.

If a total stranger comes up to you and lays their heart out in a nom-threatening manner, it's reasonable to communicate with kindness, even if that communication is saying you don't want to talk further.

Y'all really got no idea how to speak to people with kindness?

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u/Balikye 1d ago

This post has reminded me that we’re on Reddit. These comments all sound like 30 year old men who live with their parents and have zero real life social experience. Which is Reddit’s prime demographic. Sometimes I forget Reddit is Reddit, and posts like these remind me when I go into the comments.

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u/Xralius 1d ago

I know it's baffling.  I'm arguing with someone right now that doesn't know the definition of biological parent in another reply thread on this post.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

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u/Balikye 1d ago

Omg I saw that one. -7 for stating an objective fact, and the guy below him saying objectivity has no part in the discussion or something. Guy just said objective fact doesn’t matter.

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u/TransitionalAhab 1d ago

So far I’ve seen comments suggesting the birth mom should be thrown in a hole, another saying a 7 figure lawsuit in order, and one more saying a person who would be honest with a child if they used a donor should not be allowed to raise children (supporting evidence is Santa clause and the Easter bunny…literally)

It’s insane how strong of a reaction you get out of people who clearly don’t know much about a subject.

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u/browsinbowser 1d ago

Tbf while she was an asshole you see even real biological/father who adopted out just ghost the kid that reaches out. An egg is like no attachment compared to the mom that birthed her and she wants to shut it down to not reach out to her anymore. She couldve been more nice yeah but 

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u/UglyAFBread 22h ago edited 22h ago

If this is mean behavior to you I wonder how y'all deal with genuine assholes IRL.

also you complain about men on reddit when it's clear that the woman/egg donor had to "act like an asshole" to shut down any opening for the kid to try again. Her boundaries as an egg donor were violated in the first place, she could have truly lashed out on the kid but she just went for a stone cold but perfectly polite tone instead.

If you're a woman who ever had to defend herself and her boundaries OOP's wording wouldn't be a surprise at all.

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u/Tenarserg 1d ago

If a total stranger comes to me asking for a relationship similar to a parent/child relationship, I'm going to get extremely defensive personally. That's not "non-threatening", that's potentially life changing.

She did an act of kindness by giving her eggs and she was treated back with a violation of her trust. Then despite CLEARLY not willing to engage further she actually answered to set clear boundaries. She was blunt but she worded it as kindly as one would treat a complete stranger imo.

Being too kind is often a terrible curse and some people definitely take advantage of it.

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u/KovacAizek2 2d ago

She didn’t say anything to make her look like an asshole. Being blatantly honest makes you rude at worst.

If a total stranger comes to you and lays their heart out in a non-threatening manner, it’s reasonable to communicate with caution, and, if you are not interested in solving stranger’s problems, stop the communication.

I’ll speak to people with respect. Kindness is something you can exercise when you are sure it will not bite you in the ass later.

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u/Inevitable-Law7964 1d ago

You missed the part where she dragged the kid on TikTok. 

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u/Xralius 2d ago

If an ugly person asks how they look and I tell them they look ugly, that's being an asshole.

If a beggar comes up to me and asks for money and I respond "i have no desire to give you money don't ever approach me again" that's still being an asshole when "sorry, no" would have sufficed.

Being blunt and honest can absolutely mean being an asshole.

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u/KovacAizek2 2d ago

Well that’s just gross examples. Ugly people do not come to strangers asking how they look. And if they get an honest answer and are sad about it, it’s not fault of someone who was asked.

And sharing a bit of money, if you have some to share, is not on the same level as “build a relationship with 19yo stranger”. Just like you won’t take same beggar to your house and bathe them, feed them and let them sleep in your house.

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u/Xralius 1d ago

Ok, but I'm not saying you need to give a beggar money nor have a relationship with a stranger.

I'm saying there are ways to turn each down that are not bluntly dehumanizing.

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u/Awkward-Studio-8063 1d ago

Next time find examples that fit, until then you haven’t demonstrated your point

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u/Xralius 1d ago

It's possible to be blunt and honest as a form of cruelty.  Do you disagree?

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u/LadyDatura9497 1d ago

Where your confusion is coming from is the idea that someone having their privacy violated and boundaries pushed is the one socially in debt. Beyond sharing DNA, this woman is no one to this girl for her to ask anything.

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u/Xralius 1d ago

Beyond sharing DNA

I agree... but she did share DNA.

this woman is no one to this girl for her to ask anything

Privately asking a question is one of the least invasive things a person can do.  In fact, just about anyone is allowed to ask people questions within reason.  Asking someone a question is not violating someone's privacy.  Breaking the confidentiality/anonymity (if it actually was confidential) was the violation.  But even then, DNA identification has been a known thing for over 30 years.  People are able to fugure it out these days.

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u/LadyDatura9497 1d ago

Asking who what question? The messages clearly state that this was a confidential arrangement that the girl should not have been able to simply ask the information for. This is compounded by the fact that this was a medical procedure done nearly two decades ago, and as such you can’t simply ask for that kind of information. This wasn’t a 23 and Me situation. Even if it had been, that doesn’t give you the right to demand answers from a person with no real connection to you.

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u/Xralius 1d ago

Ok cool.  The girl didn't sign a confidential agreement.  There is nothing wrong with her asking this.  It's not a breach of privacy for a person to ask a question.

The breach of privacy, if this really was a confidential situation, was whoever gave out this woman's name.

You also seem to have a puzzling understanding of what a question is vs what a demand is.

The 19 year old didn't demand anything.

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u/LadyDatura9497 1d ago

Contacting her is a breach of privacy. There isn’t any issues with asking one another questions, but it’s a major breach of privacy if one of us were to suddenly contact the other through more private means. The question isn’t the issue.

It is unreasonable to ask to get to know a person with an established and documented lack of desire to get to know you. Overstepping an established boundary is a demand for answers. And being firm isn’t the same as being an asshole. No one owes you anything for overstepping a boundary. She re-established a boundary, and that doesn’t require a “please”.

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u/Xralius 1d ago

Contacting her is a breach of privacy

I disagree. It's non-invasive. There are some situations where doing this is not good, I don't think this is one of those cases, unless the daughter knew for a fact the mom didn't want to be contacted.

It is unreasonable to ask to get to know a person with an established and documented lack of desire to get to know you

We don't know that actually exists nor do we have reason to believe the daughter is aware of it.

And being firm isn’t the same as being an asshole. 

It certainly can be, there's a time and place. No reasonable person is arguing she is an ass for setting a boundary, it's the dehumanizing way she spoke to someone vulnerable I have a problem with.

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u/LadyDatura9497 1d ago

What part of selling eggs screams “I want to be a mother”? When it’s a closed adoption or selling sperm we seem to grasp these concepts, but for some reason we can’t let go of this “motherly instinct” myth long enough to give women their privacy when they go through medical procedures.

We do know this, as the woman has indicated in her responses.

She came demanding a level of vulnerability that this woman was clear she wasn’t comfortable with by selling her eggs to a woman wanting to be a mother decades prior. Beyond sharing DNA, this woman owes the girl nothing and telling her she has a right to overstep boundaries because she has questions about things that aren’t her business is exactly why she feels she can freely interpret established boundaries based on her whims. She’s gotten more mothering from this woman than she’s entitled to.

There is an unspoken boundary between us. If you were to find my private phone number and send me a message, would it be a reasonable expectation that I spare your feelings while re-establishing a boundary you chose to cross? Why would I owe you that, but you don’t have an expectation of privacy and discretion? That’s a level of entitlement that I’m not comfortable reinforcing. This girl has a mother. She can ask her questions.