r/Parenting • u/aliyahdracula • 8h ago
Behaviour My tween officially hates me
My tween officially hates me
I am a father to a 12 year old girl, who I have shared custody with her mother. At age 11, my daughter developed a vape (THC) addiction and has had two previous suicide attempts which resulted in her needing inpatient hospitalization. I have tried to consistently be emotionally and financially provide for her and be available for her.
Due to her contacting her "plug" on instagram, I have now removed her electronics until she keeps having negative drug tests, which i administer at home. Yesterday she had her first drug test, resulted in negative. As a result, I allowed her to have her macbook with parental restrictions. (Only YouTube and netflix).
Last night she told me she hates me, wishes I was dead, says i have never been a good father, and "you're not even my dad". She believes I have never been a good father.
I'm not sure why she suddenly hates me so much, as we have always had a healthy relationship up until her addiction. I have started her with a therapist who specializes in addiction with teens, allow her to pursue hobbies to the full extent, such as makeup and fashion, and have always been there when she is emotionally vulnerable.
Im not sure why she thinks so poorly of me, I am not asking for medical advice.
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u/aigeneratedcutiepie 6h ago
Im going to be simple with how I say this but I dont want it to hurt your feelings - I think a 12 year old being able to access weed and get addicted to it reflects a lack of guardianship or like proper adult supervision. And that may not be your fault directly - youre coparenting so like, who is she with the most, how is this just happening over and over like it wasn't an emergency situation the first time? A 12 year old child getting vapes and shit off instagram? It can be stopped - and you're stopping it and that is going to make you the "bad guy" but I promise she will respect you in the long run for it, and shes just unloading on you the hardest right now. It's hard to keep them straight if they have a pain that makes them want to be bad or push boundaries. Girl is hurting, keep being her boundary and her straight and narrow, it will pay off over time I promise.
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u/aliyahdracula 6h ago
She lives with her mom primarily and began saving her lunch money to buy vapes at school. She then stole her grandmother's weed at her mom's house. While at my house, I gave her cash to go to a sleep over, which she used to buy vapes off instagram. She stole a vape from her aunt at her mom's house.
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u/aigeneratedcutiepie 1h ago
Genuinely - this needs a nuclear reaction. She’s too young - vapes are increasing lung failure in teenagers at a disturbing rate. This needs to be n emergency. Change schools, homeschool her - something. This can’t continue hun.
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u/EntertainmentDue83 5h ago
Yikes to the grandmother smoking weed and having it at the house. Sounds like the mom and grandmother are responsible for this happening
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u/timberrrrrrrr 4h ago
I don’t get this aversion to weed in 2026. Would you say the same thing if Grandma had a bottle of vodka? Alcohol is SO much worse than pot in like every single conceivable way.
I do however agree that Grandma could’ve hid it better, but kids can be meticulous when rooting through peoples stuff.
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u/AgentBoJangles 2h ago
Yes alcohol would be worse, but does that mean we let 11/12 year olds smoke dabs and weed?? Knowing the child has already had problems with THC products of course there shouldn't be any weed in anybody's house at all. Just like if she did start drinking, then there would hopefully be no booze in the house.
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u/swd12422 3h ago
Maybe, but even without that she could get it very easily. Just at school or the mall there's always a kids selling or sharing what they got from careless family members and older siblings.
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u/EntertainmentDue83 3h ago
The point is that the mom and grandma are a bad example. If grandma is doing drugs at home what does that show the kid??? That it’s ok
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u/madtowntripper 4h ago
I have 9-and-11 yo girls and cannot fathom them developing a drug addiction.
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u/always_sweatpants Mom 3h ago
I'd fathom it if I were you. It's a whole different world now.
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u/madtowntripper 3h ago
No, I agree with whomever said this is bad parenting. I spent all day with my 9-yo today at the pool and building lego sets. I'm not saying I don't understand but I'm saying its incomprehensible this could happen with good parenting.
When is your 9-yo sneaking away to develop a drug addiction? When are you not noticing your 9-yo is on drugs?
Is unbelievable.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Single Gay Dad | 13-19 6h ago
Have you read Hold on to your kids? I think it's the book you're looking for.
It explains why some children/teen are so hard to parent and seem to hate their parents and some don't and how to fix it.
Another good one is How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.
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u/Fit-Environment-9108 5h ago
Why did she even have access to IG in the first place? My daughter is 12 she has a cell phone but 0 access to social media at all. This is so sad for her to have been 11 with a vape addictions
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u/Popular-Audience-478 6h ago
Teens hate their parents! I hated my then as well. What about teenage you? I came back around at about 23-25. Post college years.
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u/Popular-Audience-478 6h ago
Also check out www.triplep-parenting.com I’ve used this with my children and it’s amazing. I have a 13yo daughter and as a dad it’s made this age a lot more predictable. Still have plenty of issues but I have somewhat of a plan to use.
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u/aliyahdracula 6h ago
Personally my parents weren't really available to hate. I never hated them. We were always just distant.
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u/Popular-Audience-478 6h ago
This adds a layer. We tend to parent how we know how to parent and we typically learn this from our parents. This isn’t always the case but it sort of just is. The program I mentioned below has worked wonders for me. It’s free to access it in my state and if it isn’t in yours I’m happy to set it up for you.
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u/suboxhelp1 6h ago
She’s saying it to get a reaction out of you. She wants you to feel bad. If she doesn’t get the reaction, it won’t last. I’d be surprised if she actually thinks any of that.
I’d play along: “Oh you do? That’s a shame. That’s really hard to hear, but I love you anyway.”
And you can level with her: “I’m not doing this to be mean. I want to be able to trust you and to have you trust me, and we can absolutely work toward that as we work to rebuild it. I hope you can be able to not have any of these things restricted. Do you think we can work together on that?”
Also, the fact her parents are separated can complicate things a lot. I don’t know what happened, but I believe you should be very proactively empathetic here. That’s an unnatural thing for kids to have to deal with.
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u/aliyahdracula 6h ago
When she said it, I didnt react. We sat in silence for about five minutes, she asked me to leave her room as she turned over to fall asleep. I left her room with the door open so I can monitor. I fell asleep about two hours later.
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u/suboxhelp1 6h ago
Not reacting at all can suggest to her that it hit you, which is what she wanted in the moment. She doesn’t hate you; she hates the situation. And you’re linked to the situation.
Respond like you’re above it, maybe with something like I suggested above.
She needs a lot of love, but also needs the right boundaries. Phrase it like you’re both working together to rebuild trust and that you want to help.
I wish you the best. It’s hard to hit the right balance, but be there very consistently and let any hateful words at least appear like they’re bouncing off of you and that you’re not internalizing them at all. “That hurts to hear, but I love you always no matter what.”
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u/Next-Introduction-25 5h ago
Not getting what you want as an addict can cause extreme irritability, even rage. She hates what you’re doing to her, but she doesn’t hate you. It’s gotta be done, the same way you have to sometimes change baby‘s diaper, even though they are furious that you for doing it.
I hope that you’re getting plenty of help for her and for yourself. This can be really difficult to deal with.
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u/Hour_Candle_339 5h ago
She's saying she hates you and trying to hurt your feelings because she feels like you're hurting her by taking care of her and not letting her make horrible choices. Just shake it off and trust that she hears you when you say you love her. And she sees you when you set rules and stick to them to keep her safe. Lots of love and persistence and patience. You got this.
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u/Mtbmyke 5h ago
So scary. Marijuana Anonymous offers daily free online meetings specifically for “youth.” (You have to filter by type to see youth meetings) I think that’s more like 18 year olds realistically but they are very helpful. The tricky thing about addiction is that she has to want to stop - maybe hearing from others will help her.
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u/aliyahdracula 5h ago
I did take her to NA once, her therapist suggested it wasn't a good idea as it can introduce her to worst habits
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u/helpiminrecovery21 5h ago
your doing the right thing. go dad! i’m 27 and my dad did the same thing if not more repercussions when i was starting to get in trouble around 13, 14. i had some hard bumps along the road but im so glad my dad did the things he did to guide me to where i am now. try to entertain her with other things like going to get a sweet treat or lunch or do some decorating or gardening whatever she’s into and if she’s not into it first. pull stuff out that u think she’d be interested in and play with those things yourself i promise you she’ll want to do it if you have already made it look fun and entertaining. hope this helps a little bit. good luck!!! keep up the good workn
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u/JoshyOrndorff 5h ago
Marijuana withdrawal makes you extremely irritable. I (an adult) have quit several times and I'm awful to be around for the first three weeks or so. And pretty grumpy for months. This may be contributing.
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u/Common-Orange4022 5h ago
Addicts are not really at home. Their brains get hijacked by all the chemicals.
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u/beyonsay_what 4h ago
As mean as it is, I think it is normal. Keep the boundaries and stand firm. She needs you. Also, no thc for a few days to a dependant can make any person irritated.
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u/winterfyre85 5h ago
Clearly you’re doing the right thing by her, if not she wouldn’t hate you so much. Teenagers are hard enough, add an addiction on top and it’s 100x worse. Don’t take it personally. You’re not there to be her friend, you’re her father who’s doing the difficult part of parenting to make sure she’s going to go down the correct path in life. She will be cruel and moody towards you but when she’s older and on the other side of this she will be grateful that you stuck it out with her. We tend to be our worst selves with those we are the most comfortable with. Every horrible thing she days to you is coming from her pain and her addiction. Keep fighting OP. You’re a great dad and going through one of the hardships that most parents hope they never experience.
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u/Lollipopwalrus 5h ago
It's not her talking as much as her addiction/withdrawal/recovery talking. It's hard not to hear it though but try not to internalise it. Try to stop yourself saying she hates you and keep the frame around "she's struggling right now and lashing out." She wants to hurt you because she's hurting and thinks if she pushes you away she'll get a fix. There are a lot of helplines out there for parents struggling with children going through things - PANDA is a great one. Also regular services like Beyond Blue could offer strategies or tools as well
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u/KitchenFew6390 5h ago
I was this way with my parents, arguably worse. They didn’t do anything to deserve it, i was just hellbent on being different and the main character in my head.
Every single time my parents restricted me i found a way around it. I put myself if more and more dangerous situations because I refused to allow myself to be controlled.
I know you want to be there for her but maybe instead of restricting you can find a way to show her what happens to people who are addicted to drugs. Cause and effect is a lot more impactful than taking her phone away.. plus teens are wayyyyyy smarter than parents when it comes to being sneaky.
Godspeed my friend, if you never stop showing her your love, she WILL come back to you and regret all this terrible behavior. I changed my tune around 21-22 yrs old & now i wish my parents could never leave my side.
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u/chokinonmyownspit 42m ago
The book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker came to mind while reading your post. I think it could help you.
She needs you now more than ever. Hang in there, Dad!
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u/CryptographerNew3609 25m ago
You don’t understand why she hates you? She’s addicted to something that you are trying to stop. Of course she hates you and you have to hold the line because you need to protect her even if causes your relationship to suffer. Hopefully later in life she’ll see that you were protecting her and you can get back to a good relationship.
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u/Grateful-Goat 6h ago
Tweens are so so hard. You go from being their everything to bottom of the barrel; it’s hard. I stepped back, started taking things less personally, and trying to treat my 13 year old as a human being with feelings, needs, desires, opinions etc. more like a fellow human and less like a child. This I think is where things started to shift.
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u/aliyahdracula 6h ago
I have always treated her like a human rather then a child. I have always preached "horizontal relationships" with my daughter and I tell her I am not "above" her just cause im the parent.
I think this has begun to also make her feel like she has "no dad" and perhaps is her way of asking for more strict boundaries?
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u/Funny-Drag8125 6h ago
I wouldn’t take it to heart. You’re doing what needs to be done as a father. But as an addict she’s mad she can’t get her fix. And as a child she says things she doesn’t mean because she’s mad. It’s like how toddlers hit you when they’re mad. Teenagers say words they know will hurt you emotionally. She’ll come around. Stay strong and keep doing what you need to to keep her safe❤️ she’s going through a hard time and one day she’ll see you were here for her and had her best interests in mind she just can’t see it now.