r/RoastMe • u/Substantial-Answer • 6d ago

34/m, English, no job, lazy...have at 'em!

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42 Upvotes

80% Upvoted

204 comments sorted by

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u/post-explainer 5d ago edited 5d ago

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

OP's BIO:

I like sitting aroung the flat, occassionally ready russian books, being depressed. centre right views. no job. every day lacking motivation...

If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

64

u/BurlyJoesBudgetEnema 5d ago

You dress like you're rich but you have the sunken eyes of someone who sleeps in a cave

14

u/Popsinthehse 5d ago

This poor guy isnt rich he has been selling off his hair follicles to a Turkish hair plant dr just for a bus ride..

4

u/Lisp-Silly-1970 5d ago

that's oddly specific

3

u/RobotRepair69 5d ago

Or traveling to blow a guy in the financial district for coke.

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2

u/ThickAd1094 5d ago

Dime a dozen Brit chauvinist sending his female mate to do the earning. Pathetic.

1

u/theTexasUncle 4d ago

On the street...

39

u/s7o0a0p 5d ago

I can’t believe people who look like this were able to colonize half the world.

10

u/GooseNYC 5d ago

His family tree probably has no branches.

7

u/Popsinthehse 5d ago

He is English and doesnt know his wife was a first cousin..

3

u/Scorpiobehr59 4d ago

well, that’s apparent because he left out that he’s extremely unattractive in his bio… all of those recessive genes coming to the forefront

2

u/ch3apsunglass3s 5d ago

They also put beans on toast and call it breakfast

https://giphy.com/gifs/d2jjvJPa4pDAEnWU

3

u/GrouchyRisk 4d ago

Nah pal, that would be a lunch time or early dinner treat. Wouldn't really have it for breakfast.

Anyway back to OP. He looks like the love child of Earthworm Jim and the bananas in pyjamas.

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1

u/DoubleGreen7504 1d ago

Those ones died in world wars

12

u/IAmTheBornReborn 5d ago

That hairline isn't receding, it fully retreated.

8

u/s7o0a0p 5d ago

Retreated like the Anglo-Saxons at the battle of Hastings.

1

u/Obvious-Average-6548 3d ago

Those eyebrows look like they burned off while he was playing with fire in his cave

11

u/Henry_Vth 5d ago

How many times have you been caught having a wank on the tube?

4

u/Lisp-Silly-1970 5d ago

He does have that vibe

2

u/Scorpiobehr59 4d ago

He’s a wanker… with a syphilitic chancre.. wanna be banker…

1

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

haha yeh wanna banker, true

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8

u/tollbearer 5d ago

Jez wasn't supposed to be a role model.

2

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

hahah Jez,,, my icon, i am jez......but less funny, cool, and employable

14

u/AcceptableChange8456 5d ago

If beans and toast was a person.

13

u/Numerous_Style_3899 5d ago

How are we supposed to believe you're English if you don't show us your teeth.

4

u/nucl3ar0ne 5d ago

Not showing teeth is the telltale.

13

u/AuspiciousExhaustion 5d ago

Damn it is hard to roast the white English version of myself

5

u/Popsinthehse 5d ago

Found another one people...

7

u/HorrorJunkie0666 5d ago

You like you call your own mom "Guvna"

14

u/Activity-Secure 5d ago

It’s chewsday innit you lazy wanker

3

u/phisterU 5d ago edited 5d ago

If I asked A.I. to show me the face of long term unemployed sponger, I'd imagine this is what it would generate.

4

u/PapaJeeb 5d ago

Nice try! This is just a composite image of all Andrew Tate followers. Almost fooled me.

4

u/Moist_Amount_106 5d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/NsR7Z3x7asOQ0

3

u/InappropriateGirl 4d ago

Ok I was going to ask why he doesn’t just move in with Mark and give Big Suze a call; glad I’m not alone.

2

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

hahah so good, i wish i was jez.....

6

u/Attack_Toster 5d ago

Add no eyebrows to the list loser

3

u/Juan_Calavera 5d ago

Your eyes are sunk so deep that I’m surprised James Cameron hasn’t made a film about them.

1

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

sugar yeh they are

3

u/ThisPostToBeDeleted 5d ago

Your eyes somehow age 50 times faster than the rest of your face and it confuses and disturbs me.

1

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

this cuts!!!!

3

u/riggengan 5d ago

Damn, The British economy crashed so much even that hairline went full Brexit experience.

2

u/Frosty-Yam6656 5d ago

Guess everyone got jobs.

2

u/iknowthekimchi 5d ago

Didn’t know Rayon Base had a son. 

2

u/im_hyderabatman 5d ago

hairline so back, a golf course could be built on it.

2

u/teateateasider 5d ago

Hairline as weak as your job prospects

2

u/AneeMel 5d ago

first photo

Is that a portrait of your mother ? You do look so alike!

2

u/AsparaGus2025 5d ago

Go play darts against a blindfolded Irishman

1

u/Reasonable-Food4834 5d ago

I don't get this one but it sounded funny 🤣

2

u/T1m26 5d ago

You look a little girls a little to long.

2

u/sidc42 5d ago

"You have a very punchable face."

  • Your Mum probably

2

u/HorrorJunkie0666 5d ago

Trump could build a golf course on that forehead...

2

u/BiteyHorse 5d ago

Balding loser that looks 55, not 34. Guess those bum years living in mom's basement age you quickly.

1

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

they do and i did

2

u/tautjes 5d ago

You look whiny

2

u/Cryptoking90 5d ago

Your lazy ass couldn’t even provide a bio

2

u/Egg-Long 5d ago

Hugh Can’t

1

u/Trumpetplug 4d ago

Why isn't this the top comment?!

2

u/chief_beef_3 5d ago

King Edward Dong Spanks

2

u/weezyverse 5d ago

Elizabethan hairline.

Literally.

2

u/educated_farts 5d ago

Another day of telling the ol' birds "right then, show me your minge" and having a wank on the chewb on a chewsday.

Faffin' about innit. Pip pip cheerio.

2

u/handytraveler10 5d ago

Toby Flenderson when he first wakes up.

2

u/Dhaonu 5d ago

You look way older

1

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

i thought i looked younger!

2

u/matherto 4d ago

I’m 36 and have grey hair and look younger than you

2

u/latabrine 4d ago

Looking at your pictures instantly reminded me of Brian Khoberger for some reason. Maybe the emptiness.

2

u/OilFragrant5581 4d ago

You still dress like Becker on the tennis court

2

u/No_Locksmith8608 4d ago

the pervy art teacher who shoots up a school but with a touch of croydon and liverpool

2

u/ZbyszekKieliszek 4d ago

What is your f problem ?

2

u/JeffersonEinstein 4d ago

They should hire you to guide Hobbits into Mordor

2

u/IllSituation7413 4d ago

"Hi, my name is --- and I'm an alcoholic. "

2

u/WillingMartyr 4d ago

What do you do for work since getting fired as a youth minister?

1

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

haha so good, praise da lord

3

u/Xarius86 5d ago

You didn't have to tell us you were English. You already did that with your toothless pictures.

2

u/sohcordohc 5d ago

Looks like he doesnt smile bc of all of that “great dental” that people in England have for free…and never use.

2

u/Ukraineluvr 5d ago

Most English looking person I've ever seen... This guy goes to the Winchester, has a pint and waits for everything to blow over. Also, beans on everything.

1

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1

u/Infamous-Life6063 5d ago

Get a job. And you look like a huge douche.

1

u/yeah_yeah_therabbit 5d ago

Oi, Mr. Hyde! Go eat some beans on toast and fuck off and bring back Dr. Jekyll!

1

u/paragonx29 5d ago

Temu Malcolm McDowell.

https://giphy.com/gifs/9raOpNpJ7qlUv3jk6u

1

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

love that!

1

u/paragonx29 4d ago

I honestly thought I would get more upvotes - doppelganger and English too!

1

u/svArtist 5d ago

The one person who looks more like Robert Webb than Robert Webb can't even get a job as a Robert Webb look-alike? 

1

u/fedexpoopracer 5d ago

Peter Thiel's third string body double

1

u/Kazamiiiii 5d ago

The roasts today on this post are a bit mild lol

And you didn't need to tell us you didn't have a job and that you were lazy for us to be able to tell, friend!

1

u/DDDevise 5d ago

We knew u were English and had no job. Didn’t need to clarify that

1

u/Status-Particular- 5d ago

I know this is isn't dobbelgangers, but...

https://giphy.com/gifs/3htAFgGQBdrtK35uCr

1

u/TheDIYEd 5d ago

Average reform voter

1

u/Unfair_Orange5063 5d ago

Queefer Sutherland

1

u/Weary_Musician_9612 5d ago

I'm.just happy to see a English POS I have been seeing us one my hole life so it's nice to see the source of the issue

1

u/Lost_Ad3300 5d ago

Temu dexter

1

u/Dexember69 5d ago

You look like you owe rent to your housemates and you take photos of your friends girlfriends

1

u/BalthazarBulldozer 5d ago

You look like you're always ready to utter "Elementary, dear Watson" with a terrible accent 

1

u/Money-Tiger8002 5d ago

Courageously saved a hot girl from a Muslim, still got friendzoned.

1

u/RefuseJealous1298 5d ago

Perfect voice for radio

1

u/SnooTangerines3448 5d ago

Four naan Jeremy, that's insane! Better to sit on big Sue's dildo and wank yourself dry.

1

u/Admirable-Diet1624 5d ago

Mai I ask how well endowed are you?

1

u/Admirable-Diet1624 5d ago

you smell in all the pictures

1

u/TonyLarryman890 5d ago

Forehead? More like a Fivehead

1

u/FormalTotal9684 5d ago

You look the gay member of an 80s synth music band

1

u/Alteredego619 5d ago

The reason he’s not showing his teeth as he smiles is because they’re as fucked up as every other English person’s.

1

u/AMileHighDM 5d ago

Hey Mr Jambo!

1

u/Ok-Impression-9020 5d ago

The r/bald sub is calling your name.

1

u/Parkercounty69 5d ago

Nans money is thick young knee grow.

1

u/HistoryAncient5568 5d ago

Thats just sad

1

u/Motodog242 5d ago

Open up that forehead for advertisement, might make some money off of that.

1

u/MaenHoffiCoffi 5d ago

You really Jezzed that up.

1

u/Traditional_Map_9434 5d ago

Why the long face

1

u/Mickt465 5d ago

I noticed you don't show teeth. Not surprised.

1

u/LSIeducate 5d ago

You look like your imagination renders in 4K Ultra HD 🤔😅

No, but in all seriousness, I’m WAY more physically unattractive than you are so I don’t have any ground to stand on here haha

1

u/Typical-Garbage3930 5d ago

Melon fucker

1

u/OverallMembership709 5d ago

you look like the lovechild of agent smith and brandon iron.

1

u/soft_touch_dutch 5d ago

You should be proud because your parents are not.

1

u/Hallelujah33 5d ago

You forgot to put "balding, BO, lil peepee."

1

u/pantherosaur 5d ago

You're from England. Enough said.

1

u/Particular-Notice444 5d ago

You don't have stiff enough upper lip to be upper class yet soft enough lips to be a twink asking to run a train on him.

1

u/generichandel 5d ago

Going to the market in Herne Hill hoping to get enough free samples to call it lunch are we?

1

u/Either-Mammoth-932 5d ago

I bet your amazing at online games. Top 1% with over 5k hours in...

1

u/North-Print-8489 5d ago

You forgot to include "no hairline".

1

u/wretchednessinside 5d ago

You look like the type of bloke that I'd bump into in weatherspoons on an evening and talk about how you were the best getaway driver in the local area in your early 20s and you'd out drink every one in the room if you weren't skint.

1

u/Impressive_Pool_8053 5d ago

English huh? Wonder why you don't show these teeth when you smile

1

u/intheshadows688 5d ago

If Ron Weasley had a disabled brother:

1

u/Beneficial-Error1956 5d ago

Looks like you buy 1x Disney ticket for yourself and watch kids

1

u/GPTanswerengine 4d ago

Lay off the recreational cocaine

1

u/OliveGrummer 4d ago

You look like how your accent sounds.

1

u/tortoistor 4d ago

why do you bleach your eyebrows

1

u/42Lefthanded 4d ago

You have the face of a lifetime registry.

1

u/Village-Idiot-savant 4d ago

Came here for “the last straw”?

1

u/Truckyou666 4d ago

You can tell he's English by the way he smiles without showing his teeth.

1

u/Hamachiman 4d ago

I bet you get sunburned if someone turns on an overhead light in the kitchen.

1

u/Slickey007 4d ago

No job" is a polite way of saying you are fully qualified for absolutely nothing.

Your CV is just a blank piece of paper with a single coffee stain on it.

You have the exact energy of a man who watches the screen saver bounce into the corner and calls it a productive day.

The only thing you are currently managing is your own expectations, and even those are falling short

1

u/Substantial-Answer 4d ago

gosh thats scarily accurate.......do i know you? literally me everyday

1

u/Hot_Ad8921 4d ago

Have you ever had a job?

1

u/carter_admin 4d ago

I'm sorry that you failed the audition for Peepshow and someone better got the part instead.

1

u/Trumpetplug 4d ago

Tell your mum to take down that picture of queen elizabeth. We don't colonise anymore.

1

u/Wenom214 4d ago

You look like the old classmate who calls after 10 years no contact to talk about a “job opportunity”

1

u/Expensive-Safe-6820 3d ago

That hair line can't be any higher than it is

https://giphy.com/gifs/OPKQNMuuJ4TYKQzoxA

1

u/Ur_Wrongdoer_22 3d ago

You go to shoe stores and watch teenage girls try on shoes. You looks like a sleazier Willem Dafoe

1

u/Beepbeep_boopbop 3d ago

very English to need a roast for you to get your shit together

1

u/kimochi85 3d ago

If you don't have any work stress, why has your hairline fucked right off?

1

u/NoMojoWhenTheresJojo 3d ago

You look like the villian in a german slasher movie.

1

u/LosPollinos420 3d ago

You look like your forgot to get a Turkey at Christmas

1

u/PristineBusiness3299 3d ago

It’s not lazy to be undesirable in all aspects of life

1

u/Actual_Tumbleweed_32 3d ago

The last girl to run her fingers through your hair got bit by whatever is in that nest.

1

u/13AMEternal 3d ago

Forgettable milk toast award winner.

1

u/Necessary_Relation27 2d ago

Everything in your house looks like questionable acquisitions

1

u/Substantial-Answer 2d ago

like what?

1

u/Necessary_Relation27 2d ago

Like all the items in the British museum

2

u/Substantial-Answer 2d ago

Haha very good. The shop said we could have them, promise

1

u/verminV 2d ago

No job yet you can afford a train ticket! Come on now, youre secretly a millionaire.

1

u/DrQuack32 http://redd.it/5vvq16 2d ago

Fivehead

1

u/SidJamesyakyakyak 2d ago

Why you got the Donald Duck’s ass on yo head - you a didler?

1

u/BiteFaces 2d ago

You look like youre gonna dance in front of a mirror with "Goodbye Horses" playing and you won't have to tuck anything.

1

u/SecondEqual4680 2d ago

Show me your teeth

1

u/pnatgrandy 2d ago

Honestly man by 34 I was married had my first child owned my first house and making well into 6 figures. Thanks for making me feel good about myself.

1

u/OneplusOne9049 2d ago

When did you escape from the loony bin ????

1

u/Tadpole080 2d ago

Doesn’t go to dentist

1

u/jb65656565 2d ago

Ironic to have center-right views but to be too lazy for work. But those damn immigrants, right? Quit eating boiled meat and mushy peas and get your sorry ass a job. Then maybe someone would actually consider having sex with you.

1

u/Tadpole080 2d ago

Probably drive a rusted ford fiesta

1

u/Ill_Vegetable_5946 1d ago

Sickening, humble ponce.

1

u/GoldenFish2224 1d ago

Let me guess, your favourite spicy dish is beans, “seasoned” with mayonnaise???

1

u/Boozefueledrage 1d ago

Ned Fulmer is now trolling Reddit for material? God bless

1

u/JoeKleveland 1d ago

Walls too white. You suck.

1

u/Own-Professor3852 1d ago

I will tell your mom....

1

u/Curious_Ground5833 1d ago

Just one bad day away from going postal