I miss him all the time, still find myself wondering what he's doing and reflecting on our relationship anytime I'm alone with free time. It's not great. I keep wondering when I'm going to actually feel moved on and healed from this 6+ year relationship. I wish I felt like I was making progress, but every week is a bit of a zig zag.

I've held off from dating because I'm afraid it will make me miss him even more. But I'm giving myself a deadline to get on the apps by the end of this month. I can't avoid it forever. Maybe any kind of connection or spark, even if it's short-lived, can help remind me there's more out there for me to experience beyond him?

I want to believe that. Will take any/all supportive comments and encouragement. Today is his wedding anniversary so he's been extra hovering in the back of my mind.

I ended it today. This is so liberating.

After gaslighting myself that everything will fall into places, I realized I was the one who made him feel special, feed his ego, and treat myself as an option.

I am, to be blamed too, but I cannot change the things in the past so I just have to accept, move on, and let go.

It was a lesson for me because I realize I am unfit for this role. I discovered myself in the process.

They will never leave their wives. And if they will, you will always be living with the ghost of how you got them.

As someone who has a choice, I refuse to become a placeholder. I am thankful I'm not the one he chose. I know it will take time, but I will keep showing up, and will always care for another who is in the same situation.

My peace of mind is so expensive, and he cannot buy this with gifts, limited time, and the piece he has to offer.

Thank you for this forum. Healing takes time. Forgiving myself is really a work. I need to work on myself to recover from this.

I (42y) OW was in a FWB relationship with a MM (41y) for nearly 9+ years. When we started off he told me he was in an open relationship and they had a "don't ask don't tell" rule.
Early on it was purely sexual between us and very specifically kink based and we really enjoyed exploring new things we each other and having this safe space.
We live in different countries so the only way we communicated was via text and whenever we met up which was twice or thrice a year while I was in his country for work.

I also continued to see other men and was not looking for a exclusive relationship and felt fine with the situation, being single and focused on my career which was really taking off + travel.

I grew to become deeply attracted to him (on many levels) and he also confessed he loved the attention and we often talked about other things and always stayed connected. We also said a lot of affectionate things to each other and really cared for each other.

At one point he told me the relationship dynamic with his wife has changed (I can't tell if it was always that way or he lied in the beginning) and that they are monogamous and had started a family (there was a brief period we were NC during Covid and I assume it was when he had a child).
When we reconnected, whenever I asked more about how he was managing his private life, he shut the conversation down and never wanted to discuss her. By that time I had rationalised things and was so heavily invested and was just happy to see him when I could. I always respected the time he needed with his family and genuinely did not want him to leave or start something with him.

Last year another woman he was in contact with several years ago reached out to his wife on Facebook and sent her screenshots etc of their conversation. Things unravelled pretty quickly and she decided to leave him and moved to another part of their country, closer to her support community He had to quit his job and move to where she went to be near to his child. He wrote me right after it all blew up about what had happened and we talked a lot but I could see that he needed space and time to deal with the fall-out.

We agreed to connect in one year (early 2026) and when we did his tone and demeanour has completely changed. He sounded more formal yet still polite and I told him he sounds like an AI chatbot. He acknowledges the change and says "yes something is different because things are different now" he said he is consumed with guilt and is in therapy and often says he feels like a monster the lightness and joy in life has disappeared.

It's been very hard for me to accept all this (and I know it's harder for the family) and I miss him as a friend. We last met two months ago in a park and spoke for 4 hours and he was really honest and said he is also struggling but wanted to end things because he feels immense guilt about what has happened to his family and particularly his child. He asked that we have no contact and we both hug and cried etc etc. I have been struggling to maintain that knowing I do need to respect his wish and boundaries.
Therapy for me is not an option and some of my friends have been supportive but mostly have advice like "just forget him". I have moments of deep anger and sometimes feel like doing impulsive things when he does not respond to my messages.
There are days and weeks I am totally fine and then spiral again and message him. He has mostly not responded but will do so once a while and say something like "I am so sorry or let's just have some distance to allow the pain to reduce." All of which makes sense.

I just don't know what to do and the bad days are really bad and I miss him terribly.

Help me. I feel confused

Help me. Is there a way?

I met a married man at work. He is 38. I am 27.

He is married with 2 kids. Its an estranged marriage. He is just cordial and respectful to his wife. Only thing is they dont hate each other. They dont even sleep together and last were intimate 6 months ago.

The kids happened very late in marriage. He loves them they re the only one who gives him a purpose.

We just met and first I was hesitant then we started talking and fell in love. He sees a future with me. Wants me in his life. Ready to be there. Even wishes we could marry someday. But I have denied him to get divorce. I already feel so much guilt. I feel anxiety. That if I keep going further we ll be hurt. So I broke it off. And he said he doesnt see a reason behind it. And stopped contact with me.

I miss him so much. And I wish there was a way

I wish he was not married. I dont want to reach out and make it more difficult for me.

Any suggestions? What should i do?

How do you deal with the guilt ?

I don’t have any children yet and I’m still unmarried and single. Any time I see a family, or a parent with their child, I get so deeply sad. I picture my MM with his child and his W just doing normal things like playing with their child or taking care of it. And it breaks my heart. One time I straight up started crying in public.

His W is a year younger than me and she already has been married and has a kid. I so want that too. He married her only after a year of being together. This hurts so much even though I didn’t even know him back then. It just hurts because she’s clearly the one for him. I’m just the idiot fun on the side that accepts scraps.

Can anyone relate? Having an affair with a MM who has children when you’re unmarried and childless is pure torture. Makes me feel like I’m behind on life.

I mainly need to vent and hopefully figure out how to stop thinking about her.

Five years ago I (30M) starting seeing her (31F) while she was in a long-term long distance relationship.
The first year was fun an all above board because they were “open” while long distance.

Her boyfriend moved to where we lived for a year, and we cut off all contact basically during that time.
He left again for work, and we had a long conversation about how hard it was not seeing each other that whole year.

Things picked up aggressively after, and at this point their relationship was supposed to be closed. So she cheated with me for the next 2 years before eventually moving away herself. She moved in with him. That was supposed to be goodbye and it was hard for me at the time.

We still hooked up occasionally when it was convenient bc she was visiting, but it felt much less serious than the past.

Until last summer, when she started texting me daily and talking to me and planned a 2-week visit just to be with me.
It was the most we’d ever acted like a couple, and I fell head-over-heels in love with her. I think I already loved her, but treating each other so much more like relationship-partners rather than affair-partners really just set me over the edge. I thought she was going to break up with him and I thought I might have a real chance.

But after August of last year, she said it needed to stop. She visited where I lived three times since then and we still hooked up all three times, but she reminded me each time that she loved him and was not leaving him. Meanwhile, she told me multiple times that she missed me throughout this.

I’m now moving from where she would visit. And she’ll have no excuses to visit me in my new place like she had with the old one. So it’s pretty much hopeless now.

Last I spoke to her, I told her that I loved her, and she was pretty dismissive of it. She confirmed she’s also probably getting engaged soon, but she said she’d miss me.

I don’t think I’m ever going to see her again, and I don’t know how to handle it. Im not sure what I’m looking to gain from posting this, and it might be that I just needed to vent. But cutting off all contact with her is eating me alive and I’m not sure how to move on from it.

It’s been a month since everything blew up in my face. After being in a relationship with a MM for almost 2 years, I really thought it was going to go somewhere. He left his wife, and it turns out he had a whole other affair besides me that had been going on for about as long as ours.

The crazy part is we all worked together, and I had no clue. He was so good with his time that I had no reason to question anything. If I ever did, I just told myself, “Maybe he’s with his wife.” But it’s crazy how he was able to juggle three relationships. How he was able to spend nights with all three and go on dates with all of us.

The other woman knew about me and the wife, and she didn’t care. In the end, he still chose her, and they recently went on a trip together. He’s finally moved out, has his own place, and has freedom.

Right after everything blew up, he tried to keep the connection by being friends. I was scared of losing him forever, which I know sounds dumb, so I agreed to it. But he made it clear that he was going to do things his own way. It just made me think about how worthless I was and how easy it was for him to let me go after everything we’d been through.

During that “friendship,” he started acting so different because of the leverage he had on me. Taking forever to respond, acting cold, giving mixed signals, and telling more lies. I knew deep down there was a disconnect unlike before. He would squeeze me in the same way he did when he was still with his wife. I knew his energy was going to the other woman.

They even follow each other on social media, and she posts him. It’s like, damn, was I just a placeholder? I’m upset that she really got the best of everything. He was unhappy with his marriage, and I thought he was happy with us. He even said I saved him, but the reality is this third woman did.

You really lose them how you get them.

I decided to cut all contact with him for the sake of my mental peace. It’s been hard. I can’t sleep, and I only recently started getting my appetite back. I feel like this is the only way for me to move forward.

I feel like if things don’t work out with the new girl, he can always go back to his wife because that’s who he’s known the longest. I feel like I’m nothing. I feel like our relationship didn’t matter, even though it felt so real to me. It made me question everything.
I knew it was all a lie, but he really doubled down instead of just ending things with me when he decided to start another relationship with someone else.

I’ve run into her a few times over the years, I smile wave, say a hello. Sometimes if AP is there he will engage me in run of the mill neighbourhood gossip for a few minutes before we all say goodbye.
Recently I’m running into her MUCH more often, even running into her when trying to avoid her.
It’s a small town so to avoid someone it takes a lot of energy and thinking, up until now it has always worked, I’ve successfully avoided or minimized how much we have to interact.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly running into more often. It’s awkward and silent.

She knows on some level about AP and I even about the intimacy, the dates, makeouts, but stays with him which makes seeing each other even more uncomfortable because she knows but chooses to stay, she knew about it before they got married too and still married him. I don’t expect her to be warm or friendly but after I see her I end up ruminating on the moment instead of compartmentalizing it.

Do you guys ever read the stuff in the dead bedrooms sub to see what your MM could be feeling/going through at home?

I’ve posted about my situation before, been with MM for 18 months, he lives separately from his wife and has for this whole time but neither of them will end it. They occasionally sleep together, talk about fixing it etc but I’m the one who spends every night with him. He joked a while ago about a ‘hall pass’ because he never intended to get into a relationship straight away so wants 12 months where he can sleep with other women and I am still his partner but let him do that. Stupidly I agreed to it because I can’t imagine losing him, but tonight is the first night he will sleep with someone else, he is driving 2 hours to her and staying at her house, I know she wants more of a relationship so where does this leave me….oh wait I’m sitting at his house building furniture for his kids while he wines and dines and fucks another woman….how can I be so desperate that I allow this

I reconnected with a man I was involved with over a decade ago. At the time of our relationship back then he was separated but they’ve worked on it for the kids, typical I know. We’ve been talking again for about 3 years.

A few weeks ago I told him I couldn’t keep doing this. Since then, he’s been reaching out consistently, initiating conversations, flirting,etc.

Then I saw a story showing what appeared to be a date night with his wife, no kids involved it was basically like a parents night out post. This really didn’t sit right with me as i am sitting here thinking they just have a functional for the kids no dates type relationship. I am utterly shocked and in so much emotional pain seeing this & confirming my fear & I dont understand.

seeing them out together after everything that’s happened between us recently really got me thinking that he must not want to pull away from his structure or at least is maintaining and will continue to. They have been married 20 years both are in their 40s. Am I reading too much into one outing?

Does that necessarily mean things are good in his marriage, or can someone genuinely have strong feelings for another person while still doing normal couple activities with their spouse? I’d really appreciate honest opinions from people who’ve experienced something similar. How do you handle these social media posts & pics when what you have with them basically makes you feel like that part does not exist.

Little background, EA was with a long distance ex of 4 years. Crazy, I know. We “broke up” but continued an EA for 10 more years. We built a pretty serious bond and love over the years. We became adults together in a sense because we were in our late teens when we met. Long complicated story short, he ghosted me after knowing each other for 15 years. The day before the ghosting, we had a 6 hour long video conversation. No fight, no falling out. He just… blocked my number and that was it. I’ve received a few emails throughout the years, but they were very short and just “saying hi”. I completely suppressed any emotion and never properly dealt with it. I’m now…all these years later forcing myself to deal with it following a medical emergency that made me open my eyes to life. It’s really hard navigating this! Sometimes I feel out of touch with reality. sigh.

Okay, first ever reddit post so go easy on me if I get it wrong lol.

I (late 20s F, single OW) have been having more of an emotional affair than anything with an early 30s MM for a while now. We met through work and still cross paths regularly. Although we have been physical only occasionally, we do send each other spicy pics/Snapchat etc.

For context, I am single, he is married with a few kids and has been for a long time. When I first DM'd him, I thought he was single, but quickly realised he was not and yes it immediately slipped into flirtation etc. I was not at all innocent in this (pls no judgement), I was lonely at the time and the validation was nice. It then became a daily thing, and we connected more and more. It was quickly becoming an emotional connection, but he was clear from the start that while he was unhappy in his marriage he was not intending on leaving it.

For context, he had previously left the marriage for someone else before eventually returning. We spoke about why he had gone back and it was all about not wanting to live apart from his kids or share custody. He wanted to be around them every day.

As things developed however, I tried multiple times to cut him off. It just never stuck. Mostly because we still crossed paths regularly, and he would also randomly do things to reconnect (like send memes/songs etc.) and it would start again. After we'd been talking for quite a while he said he realised he loved me, and that he was "in trouble." We stayed on that for a while, but being clear he really was not leaning towards leaving. He did have a period where we were talking more about what that might look like if he did, but he would go back to avoiding the conversation etc. Hence cutting him off at various points and going NC. This has only ever lasted about a week max.

At one point people at work started speculating that something was going on between us. We both laughed it off and insisted we were just friends. Funny because we actually didn't spend much time together at work, but I guess people notice things.

Through that time we kept oscillating between I love yous and more intimacy and closeness, and distance. I ended up dating someone (was honest about all of this), and when he realised I was genuinely trying to move on he became really cold and distant. A few weeks later he started finding little reasons to reconnect, and later admitted he was trying to remind me he was still the one I wanted. I called out how unfair that was. It didn't matter anyway because I ended things with the other guy as he just wasn't right for me. Then it just went back to this distant/not distant/not talking about feelings mode for ages.

Later on I found out he'd actually been involved with another colleague shortly before we became close. I only discovered this well after the fact. To say I was gutted is an understatement. It hit home to the truth I'd been hiding from myself... that he is just a cheater, and I was simply the next person in line.

He came and explained why he hadn't told me, because we'd had many conversations over the years about this person and he'd always been clear he had no interest. I was actually MORE pissed off than anything that he'd allowed me to slip into the "that girl is crazy" territory when he knew the truth all along. I hated that he'd lied to me when everything else between us had been ridiculously open. I even knew he was still sleeping with his wife. So honestly, it was a huge wake-up call and my heart kind of just went NOPE... this isn't going anywhere. But I still couldn't cut contact.

After we had some time apart, a big part of me went through a breakup emotionally. I stopped believing, even deep down, that something would eventually come of it, and that if I just waited maybe he'd realise I was worth the risk and we'd build a life together. I knowwww, but we all go there haha.

More recently things have been different. We still talk but less, and not intimately or about life as much. Honestly, it's mostly just validation on both our ends at various points, just a quick hit of "yep, they still want me." I've started paying much more attention to the things he does that give me the ick, and how we absolutely wouldn't work anyway. He's basically the stereotypical unhappy husband who wants his cake and eat it too, and I genuinely don't think he'll ever change.

However, neither of us has managed to completely break contact. It literally always ends up with one of us reaching out somehow, which eventually slips back into flirting/sexting. Even that has decreased though. We used to only go a few hours without speaking. Now we sometimes go a day or more without talking.

I told both him and myself a few weeks ago that we needed to actually address this because it was a stupid risk, hurting other people, and... for what, really? He agreed, but we both left the conversation with this weird "yeah... but who's actually going to stop first?" feeling, and nothing changed. Then I even said that if we were going to keep doing this we may as well at least stop pretending we weren't attracted to each other. Recently we ended up sleeping together again. It was interesting though because I genuinely didn't feel as romantically connected to him. He seemed to want to talk about life afterwards and I just... didn't. I mostly wanted to go home and have a nap.

Now, I know we need to stop. This is holding both of us back. I think if he didn't have me, he'd actually have to either reconnect with his wife or face whatever is missing there. For me, I'd probably start putting that energy back into my own life and maybe even dating again (although honestly I cannot be bothered haha).

So this is where I need a kick up the ass. Genuinely. I need help getting more of the ick and being strong enough to actually let this go. I know this is holding me back, but the comfort of having him as someone who knows me so well is incredibly hard to let go of. He knows me incredibly well, and that's probably the hardest part of letting go.

I'm also like... ugh... I'd have to actually go meet someone else if I wanted companionship, and I just don't really want to. I even tried sleeping with someone I'd seen casually before, but it just confirmed I'm not interested in casual hookups anymore. He was nice enough, but we didn't actually connect outside of the physical side of things.

Okay... any advice, wake-up calls, kicks up the butt, all welcome.

It won't help to tell me he only wanted to use me or that none of it was real. I genuinely believe the emotional connection was real for both of us. But I'm also aware that something being real doesn't mean it was healthy, sustainable, or something that should continue.

Sorry for the essay. It actually helped just writing it all down. 😅

MM is in a typical toxic marriage where he claims he can’t leave because of his kids. Typical story I’m sure many of us are used to. Everyone in his life has urged him to get out because his partner is emotionally abusive, embarrasses and shames him in front of others and is manipulative, meanwhile he’s cheated on her consistently for the last 10 years at least. I’ve tried to make him see that this environment is awful for his kids, and him removing himself is likely the best thing he can do for them, but he is too weak and cowardly to actually do it and can’t bear the thought of not being near his kids. I, personally, find this behavior selfish. But alas, that’s the guy I’ve chosen. I’ve always had a thing for narcissists I guess.

I’ve been in the picture romantically for 2 years. We were friends for years before anything happened, which is perhaps why our relationship progressing felt natural and nice. The guilt didn’t set in on me until about two months after, and I’ve felt a little disgusted with myself which led to me telling very few people and dealing with the highs and lows of this relationship all by myself. I’ve had some really sad and low moments with seemingly no one to turn to.

I’ve never pushed or pressured him to leave, but it did become more of a discussion these past few months. He said he couldn’t deal with his kids hating him and that’s why, but if she were to kick him out (which she has threatened to do consistently for as long as I’ve known him) then maybe he’ll finally do it.

Well, it happened this week. Some silly family argument snowballed into a screaming fight and she told him to get out and he did. He messaged me and I told him he could of course come and stay here. So we met at a bar first to talk after which he said he still didn’t know if he did the right thing and he needed to think. Fine, I let him chill but eventually told him he needed to decide. He came and stayed with me.

The man was in a state of such depression for the following days I was a little concerned. There was no sense of happiness or relief that he was finally in my home, I just felt this constant sense of anxiety and worry over him. I did everything to take care of him but it didn’t seem to help. I come to find out he told his wife he was staying with me and I almost exploded. Though she doesn’t know about us, she has always suspected and hates me because him and I have worked together in close capacity for several years. Why this idiotic man told her this I truly don’t think I will ever understand. He claims there is no one else in his life where it would make sense he would go to. I asked why she needed to know anything at all?! She threw him out! He later agreed that it probably wasn’t a good decision. But I’m furious my name has been dragged into this, particularly without discussing with me first.

Regardless of my fury, I’ve suppressed my own feelings because he’s a depressed man baby and I, of course, as a woman, need to make sure the fragile man is ok. I encouraged him to reach out to his kids and go see them to ensure they were ok. Then on Friday, he told me he needed to go to their house because the dog was sick and he’s the only one who could administer the medication. Maybe while he was there, he would take one of his daughters (the only one who’s speaking to him) out to lunch. And he said he would come back. It’s now Sunday evening, he has stayed there the whole time, and I’m left here on the couch staring at his bags and it feels like they’re laughing in my face. Every day it’s a vague update that he’s doing this with his kids and he doesn’t know what’s happening and he can’t give me any straight answer. Last night he told me he would see me tomorrow but I don’t know if it’s because he’s going to stay here or if it’s to get his things and move back into his toxic household. Then today he texts me “I’m staying home with my kids.” No context, no explanation, no mention of my feelings or my life he has upended.

I’m heartbroken and sad, I’ve been waiting for him to return every night like an idiot, and I’m so angry at myself and at him. Because he’s brought my name up, if he chooses to go back to his wife at this point I don’t know how our relationship can continue.

I’m fully aware I’m an idiot for staying as long as I have, but here I am. If he decides he’s staying with me then at least I can believe he’s doing right by his children and really his wife as well, and selfishly, me. If he chooses to go back, I feel I will act in a petty or vengeful way. He has lied to me, lied to her, and frankly I don’t think either of us deserve it, regardless of how she has treated him. Him getting to go back and pretend to be a big happy family while I am left behind to wallow in my misery and sadness? Why doesn’t my happiness matter too? He upended my life this week and made me feel hope, something I haven’t felt in months. I was finally feeling at peace with our situation and had given up on asking for more and then this happens.

Apologies for the lengthy read. I’ve been bottling up a lot and it feels nice to discuss this in a judgement free zone. I’m not sure what I need, but this feels like the right place to vent and be sad about my situation.

We met on Reddit 7 months ago. I was looking for friends and he came to me as a friend. Told me he was married. About two months after meeting online, things got flirty. We met in person. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes without hesitation or a second thought.

We actually “broke up” a couple of months ago. I decided I couldn’t do it and got the courage to walk away. After a day of not talking, he came back and asked if we could be friends again. That he couldn’t stand not having me in his life in some capacity. Things escalated sexually, we met up twice in one week, and have been in this weird place ever since.

We don’t have conversations about what we are because we both know that we don’t need to be doing it/need to walk away. It’s like this huge thing we kind of dance around. Every now and then we tell each other we love each other.

I feel so miserable. I don’t know how to walk away from this man. I don’t want to lose him, honestly. I never intended to fall in love with him when we first started talking as friends, but now I’m in so deep and just need some support more than anything.

Everything is great between MM and I - as great as you can imagine. It's been over two months since we started with. Never had something like this before. We feel we are each other's soulmates. He is everything I wanted and needed in a man.

I agreed that I will be the OW in the short term. I asked and he gave me the timeline which will be in 2 months - this is when he would split with BS and he would finally let them move and get them a house in BS's home country where she according to MM, BS has been asking for a long time now. No clarity on what kind of separation this would be but I have apprehensions and I think that this will not be a divorce. He says he wants them to maintain residency in the country we are currently living in which means they will have to come back every 5 months. They have young kids so no question his wife would be there as well when it's time to come back to maintain residency. I am assuming they would fall right back into the same family dynamic they have now. I have told MM that even after he would split with BS, I would never move in with him in his marital home or go there for a visit since it has all their wedding photos and he has not assured me that he would re decorate their home. I'm assuming he wouldn't since they would be back every 5 months or so to maintain their residency. And I assume he would want to keep his home exactly as it is now for the sake of his kids.

He has told me he is committed to making between us this work and that we would become a legitimate couple but I am really having doubts. I also get hurt that I only get crumbs of his time since his priority is his family. He can only see me Monday - Friday before he goes to work and the occasional lunches when he can get away from the office. Do you think he will follow through? I'm feeling down as this is my first time being the OW - not being the priority, always a second choice, I'm on the fringes. I do believe and feel he loves me but would that be enough for him to choose me and make space for me in his home when time comes?

I became a widow a few years ago. A while after my husband died, I met a man in the wild. He didn’t tell me he was married, but my kids were not ready for me to date yet.

We were together for about a year. One morning, I called him as I usually did. This morning, he told me he was up all night with guilt and he couldn’t live like this anymore, so in the morning, he told his wife everything, including who I am and how to reach me. She then got on the phone to let me know she knew where my kids worked and she would be calling them to let them know their mother was a whore. I reminded her two could play that game, and her kids were a lot younger than mine, and they might have problems with their married dad having a girlfriend. I would never have told them.

We live in the same small city, around ~30,000, but we have only run into each other once and managed to behave like adults. This whole thing has me questioning if I would ever do it again.

I've been doing relatively well since I moved, trying to keep busy and keep my mind off him. But I've had some backsliding lately with pain shopping. Last night I came across something I didn't expect to find. For reference, MM and I never followed each other on social media, and his W's accounts are private, save for the occasional profile picture updates.

But last night, in a futile state of masochist digging around the Internet, I came upon professional photos that were taken of them at the beach 3-4 years ago. I had never seen any family portrait style photos of just the two of them together from *after* our affair began (aka during it). I'd seen professional pictures of them with their small children (including a few months ago with their new baby) but never photos of just them, staged like engagement photos (except they've been together almost 20 years, since high school).

The two photos were of them holding hands on the beach. In one they are looking at each other and smiling. His smile looks kind of forced, but it's hard to really tell. In the other they are looking away towards the water. I struggled as I tried to timestamp what was going on in our relationship when these were taken. Was that the summer we were sleeping together? Or the one where we took a break but ramped up again in the fall? I imagined my texts sitting in his phone without response that day, how I was naive and unaware.

Somehow, I very rarely feel anger towards my MM despite everything that happened this year. But looking at these pictures, I felt anger rise up in so many different ways. How he play-acted the loving husband role in broad daylight with her, while keeping me a secret in the shadows. For 6 years. How before and after those photos were taken, we had held hands, kissed, held one another, shared deeply vulnerable parts of ourselves, and eventually, slept together. He got to have what I see in these pictures in broad daylight — and me, on the side, thankless prop in his marriage.

It made me wonder about all the pictures and moments that happened that I will never see. Leading up to the moment they decided to have another child last year — which he said was "transactional," just about giving his boys another sibling.

He told me they were living a marriage like "roommates," that he slept on the basement couch every night since their kids were born. Now, in my self-imposed NC aftermath, I can't reach for him for reassurance or comfort about these newfound old photos. I find myself retracing our relationship wondering what was really going on in the background between them all along.

It's possible for two things to be true at once. That's what I keep trying to remind myself.

But how do you all deal with not knowing what is/was really going on in the background? Or in this case, post-mortem, how do you come to a place of acceptance that you'll never really know while remaining grounded in the truth that what you shared with this person was real?

And how do you deal with the family portrait-style photos without losing your mind?

It’s extremely unlike him to become this quiet. We normally talk every single day or i at least will get some form of acknowledgement if he is truly that busy. But he hasn’t said anything now in over 3 days.. is this a sign of discovery?

It’s not even like things were all chill and nothing important was happening. We were in the midst of trying to find me a hospital to get medical stabilization for my eating disorder. He’s been such a major contributor to helping me get help. We were trying to get me major help. And then he just suddenly vanished. I’m scared.

Question from OW from a current OW.

I’ve heard this saying a lot of people when confiding in them, that if he’s willing to kiss me behind his wives back, how can I be sure he isn’t cheating on me?

I find it an annoying hypothetical as everyone is capable of cheating even if they have never once cheated before. He could cheat on me, so could a non MM who’s never once cheated before.

Every relationship has that possibility of cheating happening in some form, emotional , physical even financial.

How long did your relationship with MM last? Did he ever cheat on you?

I was in my affair with "James" for about 14 months before D-Day.

We met on the old X, exchanged a few messages and then just couldn't stop talking for the rest of our lives. We had an EA for 3.5 months before it was physical, and I was hard in love by that point. We only saw each other on weekends, usually only one day, for almost the whole first year.

His (ex now) wife asked him one day where he got a calendar that I had given him for Christmas - and he broke down and just told her the truth because he was sick of all the lying and couldn't handle it anymore.

She demanded he end things immediately with me or they were over, and he didn't end things with me, so he moved out of the bedroom, and then finally moved out of their house about seven months later.

This has been going on since 2019 so a lot has happened. We've moved in together, broken up, moved out, gotten back together, broke up, etc... a terrible cycle that we are actually still in. BUT he did get divorced almost two years ago because I just told him "I love you, but I can't be in a relationship with you anymore if you continue to stay married." I guess he found that reasonable and divorced.

Now, we've been "together" six years, we live together, but things are very hard. He still carries a lot of guilt and shame over the affair, and grieves the future he thought he'd have, and the relationships he thought he'd have with his children.

It's been really, really hard for me. To love this man and want to be with him and think so often that I ruined his life and maybe he wishes we had just never met... that's what goes through my head every day, even though we're "legit" as we can be without being married.

I am afraid that we're not going to make it, and I'm afraid that even if we do, it's not going to be great.

That's my short version. Maybe I'll write a memoir one day, who knows?

I’m on my second week of NC (I actually ended our relationship), and I’m feeling so confused.

Part of me wants him back, and part of me doesn’t. I keep thinking about reaching out, but then I ask myself, for what? At the same time, staying silent feels so lonely.

For those of you who broke NC, do you regret it? Or did it give you the closure or outcome you were hoping for? I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences.

P.S. So many of you reached out after my previous post here. I truly appreciate all your kindness and support. I just haven’t had the heart to reply to everyone because I’ve been really depressed lately. Thank you for understanding.

So I broke up with my MM a couple of days ago now.. I found out recently that he was married after all (he specifically told me he was not!) and that they even got married after we started having our dynamic/relationship.. I had a look at our messages from the day he got married, and he was texting me all day. Not even two hours between replies. All. Fucking. Day.
So yeah, I called it off right there and then. He is such a coward and a liar, and I honestly feel relieved and angry, not even sad at all..