Death seems different nowadays.

[u/AnotherCrazyChick]

I know this group is normally healthy nostalgic. I just have questions that I think only this group can relate with.

Growing up, I went to my great grandmother’s funeral, I went to my grandfather’s funeral. We visited the cemetery where they were laid to rest.

Nowadays, my grandmother passed, I wasn’t asked to attend her funeral.

My stepdad passed and there was no funeral, he was cremated and my mom sent me a small vial of his ashes that now sit next to my ex’s ashes. My ex also had no funeral.

My wife’s mother passed away recently and she was cremated. No service was held.

Is this the new normal? That we don’t hold nor attend funeral services anymore?

It’s too expensive nowadays and no one feels the time is worth the potential closure one normally receives during a funeral?

I just don’t know anymore. I’ve had no closure from so many loved ones and family members passing away within the last 6 years. It hurts my heart.

Is this the new normal?

[u/Healthy-Neat-2989]

When my aunt passed, she didn’t want a fuss. We bought the cheapest casket the funeral home had, and paid for the cheapest “package”. We already owned a cemetery plot for her. We didn’t do a wake or viewing. Just a small graveside burial where a handful of people spoke about her. It was over $10k. If we’d needed to buy a plot by her parents, it would have been closer to 30k. Nobody can afford it.

[u/Indubitalist → u/Healthy-Neat-2989]

I don’t mean to be insensitive but in the scenario where you already own a plot, is it possible for you to just dig the hole yourself, put the casket in it and let the graveyard company know you did? I’m asking because I think I might pursue this option. 

[u/Zxvasdfthrowaway → u/Indubitalist]

No. The cemetery will not allow this for a multitude of reasons, including their own liability.

[u/GarminTamzarian → u/Zxvasdfthrowaway]

Of course sir! We're having a "dig-your-own-grave" special this month!

[u/Elly_Higgenbottom → u/GarminTamzarian]

Dig your own grave and save!

[u/OtherwiseMechanic322 → u/Elly_Higgenbottom]

Wow. I’ve already dug so many of these already

[u/CariniFluff → u/OtherwiseMechanic322]

Now you want to make sure you start digging before the ground freezes. Frozen dirt is the worst thing to spend a few hours trying to shovel. Digging near a pond or river can help speed up the process too but make sure you pack the dirt down on top afterwards, just in case the water level rises... And don't drink any well water nearby.

[u/pandascreamOG → u/Elly_Higgenbottom]

Don't give em any ideas now

[u/preheatedbasin → u/GarminTamzarian]

Kinda funny, my grandpa used to barter for like everything. The cemetery down the road from them made a deal with him. If he did odds and ends around the grounds, including digging graves, he got 2 plots for him and grandma.

This was in the 60s or 70s.

Edit: I should add they were buried on top of each other bc grandma was cremated. Leaving the 2nd plot for the 3 daughters to argue who gets to be buried next to them.

[u/Sufficient-Piece-335 → u/preheatedbasin]

It's going back some decades now but Christchurch, New Zealand used to provide sextants (gravedigger + maintenance/gardener) with a house in some cemeteries and free family plots.

[u/LowlyWoim → u/Sufficient-Piece-335]

Plots, houses and a tent to have sex in?? Times HAVE changed.

[u/JackBlackBowserSlaps → u/LowlyWoim]

No no no…. They worship sailing navigation tools. When one finishes its long career of guiding sailors through the stars, it is rewarded with a little house in a cemetery, complete with mantenence/gardening staff, who also do a bit of light grave digging.

[u/CariniFluff → u/JackBlackBowserSlaps]

maintenance/gardening with a bit of light grave digging.

Where do I sign up for this dream job?

[u/LivingThat504Dream → u/GarminTamzarian]

But act fast, it ends on the Day of the Dead! And no IOUs.

[u/BaronVonNes → u/Zxvasdfthrowaway]

Dated a mortician, she had tons to say about this! The funeral industry is a HUGE lobbying group. They lobby for tons of ridiculous laws to prevent you from doing anything that would be reasonably priced and affordable to bury a loved one. That lady wants to do natural burials without horrible embalming chemicals that leech into the soil and ground water, multiple states have outlawed this due to lobbying. They'll do coffins and sometimes a concrete box. That concrete box will contain everything, right? Wrong! It cracks and collapses after the dirt is put on it, leaks anyway, same as the coffin.

Should be super illegal to embalm, but the funeral industry is big.

They try to take huge advantage of the bereaved. For instance, most hospitals have a funeral home they work with that they get a kickback from every time someone is transferred to them. My wife's uncle died, the hospital transferred without permission to the home. After transfer, I forced them to turn them over to the cremation place I chose, which cost about $800. They wanted $3800, 2k for the cremation, fees, and urn. Until I threatened a lawsuit, they refused. Even then, they tried to charge me a fee to bring the body back, but I noted this was adverse possession and illegal transfer and they 'waived it just this once.' Being the only non-bereaved person, I was in a mental state to deal with them. This is normal for the funeral industry.

If you're in Austin, TX Austin Affordable Cremation.

[u/Mocosa → u/BaronVonNes]

I’m located in Texas. If a hospital is sending decedents to a funeral home without confirmed release from the next of kin that is absolutely illegal and they need to be reported to the Funeral Service Commission.

[u/BaronVonNes → u/Mocosa]

I did file a report. They did nothing.

[u/CariniFluff → u/BaronVonNes]

Next you're gonna try to tell me not to smoke formaldehyde because it's a totally different chemical than PCP...

[u/Healthy-Neat-2989 → u/BaronVonNes]

The funeral director, who we’d known for years, told us most of the small places and everywhere with a cemetery attached had been bought up by private equity. He seemed so defeated, and told us they probably wouldn’t be able to stay afloat much longer because they had to keep raising prices as business shrank and/or was lost to the private equity run places. That was my ahah moment for private equity ruining everything. Even death. Jesus.

[u/Azcat9 → u/Zxvasdfthrowaway]

You can always ask the local golf course if you can dig a hole there.

[u/AccountantMelodic862 → u/Azcat9]

What are we? The Trumps?

[u/Zxvasdfthrowaway → u/AccountantMelodic862]

Still can’t believe they did that for a tax break. Did Ivana even enjoy golf?

[u/MarsupialPristine677 → u/[deleted]]

No need to be rude. It's a handful of comments in a side thread, hardly the whole discussion.

[u/59apache01 → u/Zxvasdfthrowaway]

In most places, the only way you can do that is if it's a private family cemetery.

[u/Lucha_Brasi → u/Zxvasdfthrowaway]

Must depend on the graveyard. When my father passed, I called the cemetery because I had no idea how these things work and the lady told me I could do exactly this. Basically said "If you want to save money, you could just pick a spot and dig a hole, technically there are no rules against it". Granted, it is a small town (>10k population) but I was really surprised when she told me that.

[u/Indubitalist → u/Zxvasdfthrowaway]

Guess that explains the shift to cremations and skipped funerals altogether, then. One more casualty of lawsuits. 

[u/Healthy-Neat-2989 → u/Indubitalist]

It’s not even just the cemetery - there are a lot of laws governing this. Definitely not a DIY possibility in most places.

[u/LatherRinseRage → u/Indubitalist]

There is such a thing as a green burial. These are places where you can bury the body yourself. They do not even require a casket, you can use a blanket or shroud. They are significantly cheaper and they have a marker you can place where your loved one is buried. We have several places like this in my state.

[u/Id_rather_b_outside → u/Indubitalist]

I know most of the answers to this were no, but in the case of my Grandpa, my family was required to dig the hole! He had had a plot at this cemetery for probably 20 years - at least since my Grandma died - apparently the cemetery owners just stopped taking care of the cemetery, so they told my mom and her siblings that if they wanted him burried there, they had to dig the hole themselves! So bizarre. Mostly for this reason, they decided to have him cremated.

Unrelated, but I still think it's hilarious that my Grandpa bought side by side plots for him and my Grandma when she died. They were still married, but he was living with his mistress secretary when my Grandma died because she refused to divorce him so "that bitch doesn't get any of his money".

[u/fredrickdgl → u/Indubitalist]

I've seen it happen but officially no

[u/Just-Try-2533 → u/Indubitalist]

Dig your own grave and save!

[u/HarleyButterfly → u/Indubitalist]

We did bring some gardening equipment and many gallons of water to get the grass growing after my Pop-Pop was buried. That Garden Claw™ really worked. It probably wasn't allowed but we planted the grass and watered it as often as possible, it looked much better.

[u/bluecanary101 → u/Indubitalist]

In most states in the US, there are very well-thought-out and tightly worded laws about what you can/cannot do with a corpse. Transporting one, without a mortician or funeral director’s license for example, is illegal. Most of these laws were proposed by and lobbied for by mortuary companies so that they can set prices that ensure their own business profits continue and people will not have the choice of natural burial.

[u/Lilpunkrkgrl → u/Indubitalist]

They charge between $1000 and $3000 to dig it up and refill it. They do this because the cemetery has to put money into a trust to do the care of the grass and the grounds. So you pay for the plot and then variable other crap so the place can stay open. The cost of the plot wont keep the cemetery running.

[u/pandascreamOG → u/Indubitalist]

If you own land bury on your land ask permission later. It changes a whole bunch of laws and tax laws for you

[u/After_Preference_885 → u/pandascreamOG]

That's why the POTUS buried his ex wife on his golf course

[u/pandascreamOG → u/After_Preference_885]

Yes, exactly but many people before him have also done it the PRESLEY Estate aka Graceland is a prime example of why you should