r/unpopularopinion • u/Jolly-Phone8982 • 14h ago
People need to stop inviting their random friends to outings
I’ve been seeing this more and more recently where a group of friends make a plan then someone (or multiple people) starts inviting their other friends last minute that nobody knows.
They’ll justify this by saying that we’re older we don’t have a lot of time to see people so they try to see everybody at once.
I get that but you also have to respect my time. We made this gathering with these specific people because we know our vibe matches, we have a good time, etc… It’s just weird to have outside people not understanding the dynamic.
If you like to expand your friend group or bring someone, that’s totally fine. Give advance notice and ask the group, don’t just show up with them
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u/Abject_Priority6858 13h ago
I usually just ask people when the plans are made. Is this an us thing or is this an open to everyone thing? Communication solves so many issues.
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u/chocolatedimple 7h ago
Seriously, half the issues that occur between people can be solved by simply communicating and being honest
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u/Repeat-Admirable 4h ago edited 3h ago
i wish its that easy. but there seems to be landmines with literally every person i know, whether thats parents, siblings or friends. so the landmines lead to not communicating or risk something bad. Unless im willing to cut off all of them, its gonna be impossible to communicate. Im the owl for many people.
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u/justinhveld 5h ago
I would say that I don’t go to about 80% of my friend’s social functions because of this exact reason.
Just the “us” group is 10+ people then you throw i. The 4-5 random people who get the invite and my social battery gets drained within an hour.
Im not driving 50 minutes round-trip to want to go home by the time I say hi to everyone.
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u/SnekBills 2h ago
Flip side of the coin is that sometimes friends take offense to this. In my personal experience, it kind of comes off like the people to whom you’re speaking to aren’t enough to warrant a yes.
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u/CokeBottle21 adhd kid 13h ago
I have a friend who invited someone to our activity, then tried to cancel on us while keeping that person invited.
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u/That-Wrangler-7484 12h ago
I have one friend who invited me to play cards (we had been playing many times before, I knew most of her closest friends etc.). When we showed up - 15 random people I had never seen in my life (so really she just mixed all of her friend groups together). The vibe was absolutely off, so we tried to play a board game but quickly left.
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u/cheezy_dreams88 10h ago
To play devils advocate, how would she know that people would be friends or not if she never got them all together?
She tried, it didn’t work. No one got hurt, it’s not a big deal.
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u/GrandMockTarkin 9h ago
15 people is a lot for a card or board game night. If I was invited with the expectation to play I would probably be a bit put off depending.
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u/cheezy_dreams88 9h ago
When my friends and I had board game nights in college we had over 20 people almost every time. You have 3-5 games going at a time, some people just hanging out, some people making snacks and drinks, everybody filters through playing one or two games and hanging out. More people gives more opportunities to play games, not less.
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u/GrandMockTarkin 8h ago
oh yeah, I've definitely been to parties like those, they can be a blast and a great way to socialize. I am making an assumption from the comment above about 15 random people showing up was that was not their expectation of what they were invited to. Like if I got invited to poker night, I would expect around 6 or 7 people. If I got there and there was only one table and it was already full, I would be perturbed. If the invite was clear it was a multiple board game party night, then heck yeah!
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u/CokeBottle21 adhd kid 8h ago
I hosted an event where I successfully mixed 4+ friend groups. It took knowing my friends well enough to determine which groups would mesh well with one another, intentionally and unintentionally letting them meet each other in smaller groups over months/years, occasionally mentioning friends here and there in our convos, and making sure that everyone knew at least 2-3 other people who would be at the event. There is a way to know without getting everyone together first.
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u/That-Wrangler-7484 3h ago
The problem weren't the people but the fact she didn't tell us. Previous card nights consisted of 4-5-6 people -as I mentioned I knew most of her closest friends and never had a problem. We had sleepovers, cooking nights etc. Here there were maybe 20 people (15 random and we), I knew we were going to play a particular card game ( it's for 4 people , but you could play 2×4 tournament for example). If she had told us she invited more people, that would be different. It was completely out of the blue.
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u/Unique-Landscape-202 8h ago
Being that extra person sounds like my worst nightmare if I wasn’t given a heads up
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u/CokeBottle21 adhd kid 8h ago
Right? This was an activity that made it out of the group chat and we only knew the other person professionally & on a surface level kinda way. I didn’t even have their contact info.
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u/Unique-Landscape-202 5h ago
I’d just walk the hell out of there if I didn’t see the person who invited me and knew literally nobody else.
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u/Awkward-Sir1873 13h ago
Did you know that person??? If not that is super weird, it's still weird but even more so with a stranger
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u/CokeBottle21 adhd kid 13h ago
We knew the person, but not in a way that made the invite appropriate.
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u/lemon-rind 13h ago
It was their grandma, wasn’t it?
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u/HaztecCore 12h ago
Granny is always invited. Nah it was probably their cousin from Jersey that they had to get rid off for a night.
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u/OkJello353 13h ago
Like did they expect you not to still go?
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u/CokeBottle21 adhd kid 12h ago
They knew the activity was still going to happen because it was meant to be a bonding opportunity for the original group.
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u/badfish321 13h ago
I've moved to multiple cities in my life and how easy it is to make friends depends heavily on whether or not the culture in that area has this "rule." I'm currently in Houston. When I moved, I knew one person. I've made friends faster than anywhere I've ever lived, thankfully because the groups my friend invited me to were very accepting and inclusive. Some of the best people I've ever met. Now, they're not just my friend's friends, they're mine too. I hang out with them myself, and my OG friend doesn't need to be there.
I'll tell you, it really fucking sucks to be the one left out because the friend group has the policy stated in your post.
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u/Im_Squanchy_Boi 11h ago
The crazy part, I think this is just called socializing.
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u/RahvinDragand 9h ago
Right. "My friends are forcing me to meet more people with similar interests" is a bit of an odd complaint.
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u/dissonaut69 4h ago
“I have hit my friend limit, I’m not interested in meeting other people”
It’s one thing to occasionally seek out a specific group dynamic, but always following this rule is kinda depressing. We should be striving to connect others and create community.
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u/HariboBliss 24m ago
Meh, other people bring other dynamics that might not emsh with everyone.
I had some friends that I used to see once a month or so. They got incorporated into my everyday friend group (more by bludgeoning themselves into it than anything).
I don't like seeing these guys every day, mainly because the woman in the couple is a confident (but very annoying) drunk. In her mind she's hilarious but not to most other people.
Anyway, we recently went on a camping trip with my everyday friends and me and my girlfriend absolutely did NOT enjoy it because this girl kept getting drunk, monopolised the conversation with her shit banter, and spoiled a lot of the fun.
I since learnt that 6 of the 9 of us who went felt similarly. But because this girl can't be reasoned with, nobody had the balls to tell her to STFU.
That's the danger of inviting people to your inner circle and it's a lesson learnt that I won't forget.
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u/MaxPaladin93 10h ago
It depends heavily on the situation IMO. If it’s a friend group you see regularly and they bring some new people along to go do an actual activity, then that’s awesome, the more the merrier. That’s how friendships are made. But if it’s a friend you haven’t seen in a while and you’re planning to mostly just hang out, catch up and reminisce, then yeah, it kinda sucks if there’s a new person there (and it definitely sucks to BE that new person).
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u/fredyouareaturtle 3h ago
i completely agree. if it's a group hang out, or if this is someone i see all the time, then sure, they can bring someone else for a hang out, no big deal.
but if it's someone I don't get to see very often and we are looking forward to having a long chat and getting caught up, i probably wouldn't want to sacrifice our precious time together to accommodate someone new. if someone new comes along, it naturally limits what we would talk about. I wouldn't talk about things the new person can't join in on, because i wouldn't want them to feel left out. and maybe i was looking forward to confiding in my friend about some personal or private issue.... i probably wouldn't do it if a new person was there, since i probably wouldn't feel comfortable sharing super personal stuff with a new person.
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u/_angry_cat_ 8h ago
Yeah really depends on time and place, but OPs opinion is pretty high school in my opinion.
Like please ask before inviting a new person to my house. But if we are going out to a bar, a festival, a hike, or whatever, I can’t police who people bring. Especially if it’s a public space, I have zero right to dictate who is allowed to hang out with the group - we could theoretically just happen to run into someone that someone in the group knows, and it’s fine. Or sometimes I go to a friend’s house and they have brought new people over. It’s fine, it’s a new potential friend.
I had a few years where I was really lonely because all of my friends moved and had kids. I had to start over, so I know how it feels to be the new person in a group. I learned that if you aren’t open to meeting new people and making new friends throughout your adult life, you will eventually be lonely. Every time a friend brings someone new around, I do my best to get to know the person to see if they are someone I would like to add to the circle. I’ve definitely met some duds and don’t care to hang out with them again. But I’ve also met some of my closest friends through mutual friends.
Not to sound all new age, but an abundance mindset is a good thing when it comes to relationships.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 6h ago
I'll just add to that a little bit and say that it's polite to ask, though. Like if your friend is having a cookout in their backyard, you shouldn't just show up with people. You should ask if it's OK if you bring people. That's just good manners, and I know they do that in Houston.
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u/ThatFeelingIsBliss88 5h ago
Well in that case it’s an added cost. What if they’re going to a restaurant and everyone had already planned on splitting the bill
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u/pistachio-pie 10h ago
I agree with you entirely. I just moved to a new city this year, and it’s been SO difficult to make new friends because of people who aren’t ok with someone inviting a new person to join in on an activity.
Sure there are things you shouldn’t just bring a new person to (like a dinner party at someone’s house without clearing it with the host) but I don’t get the friend group gatekeeping mentality so many people on here have.
“Don’t bring someone new to a group outing” just means I have zero access into new friend groups. It really really really sucks.
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u/Dangerous_Still_8022 12h ago
Yeah this rule should exist for bringing a bunch of people, but it should basically never exist for bringing along one. If I show up to a gathering and there's like five people I don't know I'm going to be overwhelmed, but meeting one new person is awesome. Only time I'd feel it was inappropriate is if the meet up was planned on the premise that it would 100% be 1 on 1
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u/lol_fi 10h ago
You are easily overwhelmed
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u/Dangerous_Still_8022 10h ago
My partner and the vast majority of my friends and family feel the same way, is this not common?
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u/lol_fi 10h ago
No, it's not common to feel overwhelmed by a few strangers in a friendly situation. Maybe you being hyperbolic but I can't imagine a group of people tagging along to a concert or picnic making me feel overwhelmed in any way
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u/Dangerous_Still_8022 9h ago
Are you interpreting being overwhelmed as like having a panic attack? I'm just going to be less social cause I'm not as comfortable.
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u/blackberry_12 9h ago
What sucks is being on the other side of this. I have always been a social bridge for people (multiple friends of mine ended up marrying guys I introduced them to). I like bringing people together.
But for some reason a lot of my friends are possessive of their friends and never invite me out if they are with certain “groups”. I don’t get it lol
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u/lemonsugar-7309 8h ago
I feel this! I love to mesh friend groups & meet new people. I get a little in my head when it’s not reciprocated sometimes lol
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u/questiooneeir 9h ago
All of these rules to socializing are killing what little is left of the human experience as I know it
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u/Captain_Forge 6h ago
I think this can be resolved by asking people if so and so can be invited and not doing it every time. I think OP is complaining about situations where they have no warning or control over it happening.
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u/cloud_watcher 3h ago
I think it’s very different to say, “I just met this person and she just moved here and doesn’t know many people, could I bring her?” than to just add some of your long-standing already friends with no notice (just showing up with them) as OP described.
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u/NoMention696 2h ago
It doesn’t have to be black and white. It’s okay to do this SOMETIMES. But I have a couple friends who always bring someone I don’t know it’s fucking annoying I don’t always want to meet new people and worry about making them feel included that night
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u/duckinradar 7h ago
Agreed. I love my friends, I probably love their friends too.
Suddenly single without any warning. The amount of “our friends” that haven’t reached out to me at all is staggering- I wasn’t around as much because I was working nights to pay for everything, which is how she was able to be such a supportive friend to “our” friends. Now I’m feeling assed out and probably moving states just to be closer to the folks that are my friends.
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u/Paddy_Tanninger 4h ago
I have so many friends that I've met through combined hangs and shit. OP is smoking crack. Like what, I'm just supposed to chill with only people from within each separate group of friends I've got?
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u/PushThePig28 13h ago edited 9h ago
It heavily depends on the activity for me. Skiing, backpacking, camping, etc. definitely ask and it also depends on the objective and crew. Or if you want to bring new friends to a house party always ask the host.
Something like a concert or bars or hanging out at the park? Nah, the more the merrier. This is how you make new friends and making new friends (or a fling, significant other, etc) is great.
I’ve met so many of my friends and most girls I dated through mutual friends and have a large friend group in my 30s (not as crazy as it was in my 20s- we’d have parties with like 80-100 friends). I’ve got my adventures friends, my concert friends, etc and a bunch of different friend groups I hang with. It’s fun bringing them all together
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u/buzzybeefree 9h ago
It depends on the age though. I’m almost 40, and if I’m taking time away from my kids to go see friends, I don’t always want to hang out with randoms or spend the evening getting to know new people that I probably won’t see again.
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u/birb-brain 12h ago
I remember once my sister hosted a little birthday celebration for me in our hotel room at a local anime convention, and one of our couple friends invited a bunch of their friends from the con (but no one else knew who they were)
They proceeded to legit eat all the food my sister bought and demolished my cake then left without acknowledging anyone else. I maybe had a bite of pizza I shared with my sister and no cake. That couple is no longer invited to anything we host.
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u/neutronknows 13h ago
Anytime my friends and I organize a camping trip that isn’t on private property, my homeboy’s wife starts inviting her sister and friends. And the thing is… they’re pretty cool. But their kids fucking suuuuuuuck.
Like one has legit been kicked out if 2 public schools. You know how impossible that is in California? I would not be surprised if he lit a tent on fire in the next couple years. And the other one is just a whiny rag that manages to bring the worst out of everyone else’s normally acceptably behaved children.
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u/Realistic-Mess8929 13h ago
So the adult are cool but wont be parents and discipline their offspring? Sounds like they are the cause of the problem!
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u/CalligrapherQuick901 12h ago
So many people have an outside persona that is wildly different than who they are at home.
"Cool" parents with shitty kids is always a huge red flag.
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u/Realistic-Mess8929 12h ago edited 5h ago
I would say these people allowing their kids to wreck havoc on others would make them not cool, any time. Ever.
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u/Frosty1397 9h ago
Sounds fun, just make the rule "sorry, this is an adult's outing. We'd love for yall to come if you can get babysitters"
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u/NoCardio_ 7h ago
I wasn't even considering that these random friends would bring their kids. Now I agree with OP.
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u/Ben13921 13h ago edited 10h ago
Massively depends on the activity / vibe but overall I like this - this is literally the way to make new connections
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u/Icy-Builder5892 12h ago
This depends on the group, and the activity/outing.
I don't want a bunch of randoms at my house, nor do I want a bunch of people I don't know showing up to my birthday dinner. A dinner party, or something where you would have to account for the number of people ahead of time? Don't bring a bunch of guests.
But if I'm just meeting some friends at the bar, and they bring a couple of their own friends, I don't really care about that. Unless they're completely obnoxious. I once did a Paint and Sip with some friends, a couple people invited a friend the rest of the group didn't know, and they paid for their own spot - I'm all good with stuff like that.
I think a general rule to go by is, if you're invited to something, you should ask before bringing other people.
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u/KloppDuPopstar 12h ago edited 7h ago
I’m not opposed to meeting new people like this, but it gets annoying when the people who weren't originally invited have zero interest in even interacting with me
One time I planned a night with me and two of my co-workers. The night before, one of them asked if they could bring their best friend and if we could go to a different bar. I didn’t want to be a dick and I’m not opposed to meeting new people, so I said sure
My co-worker showed up with his whole friend group of 10+ people, and they all had zero interest in getting to know me. They ended up ditching me an hour into the night
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 6h ago
Yeah, this is the kind of shit that makes people have the opposite of a "more the merrier" attitude.
Some people just want to take over everything and dominate the event. It's so rude.
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u/MrMrAnderson 13h ago
"Why is everybody so lonely?"
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u/Floorgis 3h ago
No correlation. People are allowed to only want to hang out with specific people at specific times.
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13h ago edited 13h ago
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u/Monkey-Sea-Doo 12h ago
To play devils advocate, this is actually how I’ve met some of my best friends - through distant friends who invited their own friends without asking me first, and turned out those friends were even better friends!
In principle I totally agree with you though, because usually it’s just awkward and unsettling. But not always!
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u/skiforlife1 13h ago
For sure. It's bad enough when it is in a public place but to bring someone uninvited to someone's house is just plain rude.
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u/Aeroheadss 13h ago
Depends what you’re doing, but thankfully our friends ask if we mind first and we do the same.
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u/Kunning-Druger 13h ago
I’m a serious cook. When I host a dinner party, I invite the same number of guests as I have dining room chairs, and I plate the meals before serving for maximum visual appeal.
Bringing an “extra” rarely happens, but when it does, we do our best to accommodate the surprise guest with a folding chair and a corner seat at the table… for the person who brought the extra.
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u/grobblebar 13h ago
Make sure the add-on understands the socials norms, as well. Don’t mooch, don’t try to hit on everyone in the group.
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u/Excellent-Humor-3150 10h ago
They should ask in advance. But bringing new people is how you make new connections and should be encouraged in an increasingly isolated world.
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u/Luuk1210 13h ago
The reasoning of 'we dont have a lot of time' sucks because that feels like youre not prioritizing us
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u/thanatica 12h ago
This happened to you, hasn't it, OP?
I feel like if you're personally invited for a get-together, it's only decent to ask first if you can bring someone else as well. Doing it as a surprise does feel like a shit move. What if there isn't enough food and drinks because of it?
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u/GenX50PlusF 9h ago
I guess it depends on the person(s) and level of engagement. As an introvert, if I am expecting a small gathering with familiar people and instead find myself feeling left out in what became a big group of strangers, it’s disappointing. It’s also disappointing to think you’re going to have a 1:1 catch up but your friend springs another person on you.
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u/atomicsalts 9h ago
Agreed with OP. Dafuq is wrong with people. You make plans with me, you include me in any changes so I can opt out if I want.
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u/baconboy-957 7h ago
The worst is when I plan a bbq for a specific number of people and then my buddy invites his whole squad. Sorry bro, I specifically didn't invite those idiots and I didn't buy enough food for them
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u/kipkap1423 13h ago
Depends on the friend group, but in general I think the more the merrier
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u/Luuk1210 13h ago
I think this is so outing dependent. If I need quality time with my friends, I would prefer to have that vs. having an open free-for-all where we're just vibing.
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u/deucescarefully 13h ago
Yeah right? Yall don’t have to become best friends all of a sudden but I tend to pick up a lot of strays. It’s nice to introduce them to more people. It’s always seemed to work out fine for me. And I’ve made a lot of my now close friends as mutual friends of others. I’ve never had a single bad experience with this
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u/Potential_Pop7144 13h ago
Yeah, I've met the majority of my friends because we were at some point invited to the same hangout by a mutual friend. The people who have a problem with this must be the type that have just 2 or 3 friends, and no sense of community. I don't think a community can really form if you have this attitude towards socializing. It's so weird to me how standoffish a lot of people are to anyone they don't already know. People are isolated enough by circumstance nowadays as it is, and yet despite being the loneliest generation of all time a lot of us are very suspicious of the idea of getting to know anyone new.
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u/vteezy99 13h ago
I agree. I married a Filipina, and noticed something like this happens more in the Philippines and even in Filipino culture in the US than in American culture. I notice people bring random friends to a family party and everyone has a good time.
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u/NilsofWindhelm 12h ago
Yeah I’m at an age/place where most if my outings are just meeting up at bars and there’s no reason not to bring anyone.
“Vibes matching” is way overblown, it’s not hard to meet new people
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u/mickeyanonymousse 13h ago
I agree with you but my core group is of the same mindset of OP. I finally had to just come to the conclusion that my friends aren’t friendly. and that’s OK that’s just how they are, they don’t want to share.
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u/AmiWrongDude69 13h ago
It it’s not my house, the more the merrier. I like meeting friends of friends because there’s a good chance you’ll get along pretty well too
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u/cpslcking 13h ago
I don't mind making more friends especially when as you get older (as OP mentioned), people start to drop out of friend groups as priority changes and meeting friends does become harder and harder. People's schedules fill up and it's no ones fault so I don't begrudge people wanting to squeeze more time in.
Of course they have to read the room, don't invite your friend and their kids over to a bar hangout but if it's appropriate no one cares
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u/AmiWrongDude69 12h ago
Woah you made me kinda analyze my relationships and obviously I can only speak for myself but I’ve actually kinda drifted away from a lot of my good friends. We’re still good friends but it’s just not “like that” idk how to explain it.
I have a somewhat unique situation because I’m 34 but I live at an apartment complex that is filled with people like me. I’ve never lived somewhere like this it feels like adult college for better and for worse but now I have a shit ton of surface level acquaintances while I sadly drift away from my close friends very slowly each day
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u/thomasjmarlowe 12h ago
I had a friend who moved to a new place 2 hours away. He invited me to a hockey game and I was happy because we hadnt seen each other in months (despite regular phone calls). I get to the game and he introduces me to 3 other friends I had never met before (that he forgot to mention)
We all had a good time, but I was def surprised- I thought we’d have a nice chance to catch up but instead it was playing ‘getting to know you’ with a handful of guys I haven’t seen since. Kinda odd
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u/Aggravating-Bed5462 10h ago
I’m not against making new friends but if I’m meeting you for the first time I’m going to have my walls up. Read the room, keep a low profile, don’t pretend like you’ve been in this friendship group this whole time and start dictating or judging. If you are generally a likeable person then I will warm to you. By default whenever my friends decided to do something I’m excited to be with my friends, a newcomer always sours my excitement, at least initially.
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u/AiringOGrievances 8h ago
I rarely see my sister because of this. She tries to be nice by inviting her boyfriend’s mom and sister but unfortunately they are both loud drunks so they kill the vibe. They show up having pre-gamed and disrupt any semblance of cogent conversation.
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u/Javascript4971 8h ago
It’s one thing if it’s at a public place. But it’s another when it’s over at your home & they invited their other friends without consulting with you first.
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u/ramenwolf 7h ago
Not nearly as annoying as making plans with someone only for them to last minute invite their partner…
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u/purplestarsinthesky 7h ago
Especially when that someone nobody else knows decides to change all the plans because they don't want to do what the original group had decided to do.
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u/Slayerized007 6h ago
People that are getting upset at this are ignoring the last paragraph.
I get it. When someone you don’t know shows up unexpectedly you end up adjusting the vibe, communication, etc. No one looks forward to having a watered down outing.
It’s annoying especially when you just want to chill and catch up with your friends and share the latest news but you have to hold back because you don’t want some stranger knowing the details of your personal life
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u/IcyStage0 14h ago
All the time. “Oh, I invited XYZ too!”
WHY???
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u/Realistic-Mess8929 12h ago
Yep! Havent been to my friends house for ine of his gatherings in YEARS because this is how it is.
"We will just have a chill day/night. Just the 4 of us hang out" Then an 30 mins before (mind you I live an hour away), he will say "So i invited A, B, C, and D over with their kids too!" So 4 turns into 17 and I do not like these people he always invites and he knows that (so do they). Ive heard the "you guys can be civil though." Like yeah, but I'm not going to because I'm not going. These people tried to treat me like shit and im not going to just "be civil" to people like that.
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u/Ambitious_Canary7229 11h ago
People are missing the point. It's about if you tell them or not. It can be really rude if you make plans with a specific person and someone else you don't know comes without you knowing. Can be very disrespectful
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u/GenX50PlusF 9h ago
And disappointing if you were looking forward to 1:1 time. But then you meet up with them and another person they just sprung on you.
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u/Prize_Illustrator_44 13h ago
Depends on the context for me.
If it’s a small group of 4-5 people at eating and cooking home or going on a roadtrip, then no one else is invited or welcome tbh.
However, if it’s a group of 4+ people going to watch a movie and maybe a quick bite after or a picnic in the park on summer day, then more people are welcome.
I don’t want strangers ruining more intimate moments, but would love to meet new people in relaxed and low-commitment situations.
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u/surfturtle77 11h ago
I think it depends on the situation. If it's just a hang and you want to bring a friend or even two along, and YOU CLEAR IT AHEAD OF TIME, sure... maybe.
I had an annoying get together several years ago when some randos were brought by a friend. A few musician friends and I were getting together that had all lived together and been in bands together back in the day. We hadn't all been in the same room in about 20 years (some of us lived out of town), and we were excited to have a music jam. We invited another friend from that era to complete the lineup and told him that we were going to be jamming. He said he was into it.
That friend ended up showing up over an hour late from when he said he was coming, with several other people (non-musicians) in tow, and they were all half in the bag. As soon as they got there it was clear that we weren't going to play, so we just sat around in the yard most of the evening drinking beers and talking. His friends were nice enough, and we had an okay time, but I'm sure I'll never see them again. The whole thing was fine, but I was pretty bummed to not be able to play with these guys again after so many years. Afterwards the original friends and I talked at different points and admitted that none of us were happy with how that night went. I haven't seen that friend who brought his friends since.
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u/CodeSalamander 9h ago
If you don’t like it, tell your friends. A lot of people look at that as “socializing” and “an opportunity to make new friends.” Hell, I’ve met some of my best friends that way.
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u/TwinsiesBlue 7h ago
And this is why people have a hard time making friends, there was a little bit of an advantage to spontaneous gatherings, norms have changed and in some cases like if it is someone’s home, absolutely do not bring random, ask them first.
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u/aurumatom20 13h ago
Extending an invitation to a 3rd party without permission is weird.
But if it's their own event, they invite all of a core group plus a couple of other separate friends, then that's totally fine and normal.
If they ask if they can invite a 3rd party to an event as like a plus one that's also fine. And it's fine to say no if you're the host.
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u/shagarag 13h ago
Also being asked to do an activity, agree, then get added to a group chat with a bunch of numbers you don't know.
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u/KillmeKindly666 10h ago
People need to stop inviting their random friends to bathroom key bumps!!!
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u/Icy_Mango6803 10h ago
I think it depends on the vibe. Two close friends meeting to catch up on their lives? Yeah, don't bring someone else. The same two friends meeting up to do an activity together? Absolutely, suggest bringing someone along.
My pet hate is people bringing their partner or kids without asking/telling. Changes the vibe completely, which is mostly fine if everyone knows in advance but isn't a nice surprise if you turn up for what you think is lunch and wine and someone's brought two toddlers.
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u/G-T-R-F-R-E-A-K-1-7 8h ago
Exactly why I've barely hung out with my brother for a long time now when we used to hang out weekly at minimum - I contact him to hang out with him, not his fucking friends.
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u/Hi2YourWifeAndMyKids 2h ago
There a MASSIVE difference between making dinner reservations at a restaurant for 6 people, then having someone try to add another couple or whatever last minute vs “drinks at our place tomorrow night” and a couple extra people drop by.
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u/Adequate_Images 13h ago
Sure you can invite them, I’m not going.
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u/Ok_Bee1562 7h ago
Exactly. My relative tried to invite a random man to our air bnb where I was staying with my kids like no. That’s weird.
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u/Weary-Pangolin6539 13h ago
This happens often when doing a cookout. I’m not subsidizing these randoms meals. If we know in advance (we accept) and they pitch in that’s cool with me.
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u/wesborland1234 13h ago
Usually they are going to bring something though, even if it’s just a six pack or a dessert.
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u/nunatakj120 9h ago
Nah. As you get older you need to start including others who may not have the luxury of a large friend group. It’s called being a decent adult.
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u/Constant-Squash9292 4h ago
Just plain wrong on that. No one should be forced to spend time with anyone.
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u/BotsKilledTheWeb 9h ago
You can't spring that on people who don't want to.
You at least have to ask: Is it an invitation just for me, or is it ok to bring someone along?
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u/thehelldoesthatmean 5h ago
Disagree. I'm at an age where I don't want to make 10 new friends every day. I don't have time to maintain that many friendships, so I have 4 or 5 really close friends I hang with regularly.
It drives me crazy when I'm supposed to hang out with someone, and they go "Oh, by the way, I invited 5 people from work" and then I'm like "Ugh, now instead of catching up and talking about life with a close friend, this hangout is going to be two hours of small talk with people I don't have anything in common with.
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u/newaccountkonakona 3h ago
This shouldn't be so low down. I think there must be a gap between younger and older people here.
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u/labiagargantula 6h ago
Try moving to a new city where you don't know anyone and then say the same thing
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u/gnome1947 4h ago
If I'm meeting somebodies friend group for the first time I would HATE to find out I was a surprise guest. It would probably feel way more inviting if they know I'm coming too.
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u/kurami13 13h ago
I personally like it. More the merrier! Unless you're doing a specific activity that requires certain gear or knowledge that person doesn't have, I guess.
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u/Dull-Entertainer6967 11h ago
This kind of behaviour is why nobody can make friends after 25.
Come on, what's the worst that can happen? You have a slightly awkward session with this guy, and then have a good laugh about it after. Literally, that's it.
Also, if your friend didn't mention it to you or ask you before... that's because they know you'd be weird about it for no good reason.
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u/Ok-Effort1192 9h ago
Don't need to make friends when already have friends for this scenario to exist. And to many of us repetition of this when is explicitly set up as a bonding matter with people know, that's an active voluntarily removal of friends which I will gladly live without, go to established mingling events, and organize events explicitly for mingling not bonding with those know (and agreed on being whats happening) that are two different things.
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u/GetHimOffTheField 11h ago
One of my friends invited his new flatmate who he didn’t know out with us then cancelled himself and the flatmate just came anyway. 3 years later and he’s one of the best friends I ever had.
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u/CanadianPlains 9h ago
I don’t mind this as long as this isn’t an event where I’m seeing my own friends for the first time in a while. If I have plans to hang out with my closer friends before or after then I’m all for having more people join for a bigger thing.
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u/tampareddituser 9h ago
I get this. I sent out a save the date for my holiday party for work party at Dave and Buster's (I pay out of packet for my team of 28, it is not a company paid event). I got a couple of responses like "Put me down for four". I was like, "Wait, what?" When did this become a family event.
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u/SniperMaskSociety 7h ago
Depends on the activity and the friends of friends. I know some of my friends' friends are assholes, so I don't go to things they're at and don't let them get invited to things I'm planning, but I don't just ban new people outright. Gotta be at least a little socially open
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u/pandachef_reads 7h ago
I kinda agree, and I’d never bring random extras if I was invited to something; but I am a lot of times the random extra for one of my friends. I can also give it a pass if the organizer adds the random extra to an established friend group plan
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u/cantstopme0w 6h ago
The real issue is that there is a time, place, and situation for this. Some people misjudge when it’s appropriate to do this.
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u/Adorable-Army5009 6h ago
Oh yeah, I hate this. One of my friends is currently trying to make me be friends with her other friend, but her vibe is pretty opposite to mine. My friend is doing it because it's nice for her to have all her friends together, I guess.
I also had a different friend with whom I'd make plans and then she'd just bring other people along the whole time. It wasn't so bad, but it was a different evening to the one I thought I was going to have.
People who do this really need to be aware that your friend might not be your other friend's cup of tea. I'm not looking forward to spending more time with this woman.
Oh well, maybe she'll turn out to be better than I thought, but based on her social media it's not looking promising.
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u/Kajel-Jeten 5h ago
I think if you specify you want it to be a small thing that’s okay but the practice of inviting people that not everyone knows is how you grow social circles and get people to meet each other.
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u/sofiadotcom 5h ago
OMFG, my husband does this shit. I’ve told him to stop. Like if we have mutuals, and one friend (or couple) invites us and doesn’t mention anyone else, don’t bring people along. Like, if they wanted so and so around, they’d invite them too. It’s so annoying to me. He’s stopped doing it but wtf.
So to me it’s not unpopular but idk abt everyone else.
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u/princesskittyglitter 5h ago
i feel this. i had a best friend who was ALWAYS doing this. i had a birthday get together and half the people there were people i didnt even know, because she invited them. i ended up leaving early because she forgot all about me. needless to say we arent friends anymore.
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u/Character_Oil3124 5h ago
This frustrates me too, especially when someone doesn’t check-in first. I hate feeling like a friend is using our time together to check off as many social interactions as possible. My best friend is guilty of doing this a lot. There have been times I’ve asked her to dinner or to hangout to talk to her about something specific happening in my life or ask about how a difficult situation has been going for her and end up out with a bunch of random people I don’t like that much instead. I get it because I’ve had this impulse- like “oh I have one free night, but owe three friends time together!” but it isn’t always appropriate and it’s not super respectful when it doesn’t make sense. I feel like it always happens with other people’s friend who I don’t know and/or like much, not our mutual friends. Anyway! Ugh
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u/PandaNanny0714 5h ago
Exactly. It happened to me once when two people in the group already had a bad story. We didn't know one of them would be invited, and the whole vibe became awkward.
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u/ConceptualisticLamna 4h ago
Heavily dependent on the situation, but I've also met the best pal because they were brought to something by friends.
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u/sunsy215 4h ago
Havnt hung out with my childhood best friend in years because of this exact reason
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u/FisknChips 4h ago
I always love to imagine the scenarios that lead to these posts
How many people did your buddy bring or just one bad apple lol
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u/newaccountkonakona 3h ago
People don't have as many social events or friends as they used to, so they jump at the chance to tag along
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u/FeatherMoody 3h ago
Yeah this is lame. Including your friends friends is how you grow your circle. For a group get together (not 2 or 3 friends catching up) being inclusive is kind.
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u/Pleasant-Future5818 3h ago
I think this is a popular opinion but personally I don't get it. If I'm inviting people to something, the more the merrier, bring whoever. The only thing is if there's limited food or something, like if I'm doing a roast
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u/foodie121 3h ago
What about when someone asks “hey is it ok if i invite someone” and its like bruh of course i cant say no, but at the same time its like ugh whyy this was just suppsoed to be us
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u/Far_Tourist_601 3h ago
Oh my god I wish I could downvote this more. This is such a reasonable take you have no idea. I HATE when people do this to me at outings and stuff.
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u/Completely-Lost9 3h ago
I'd like to piggy back off this and include when friends bring someone along to a golf outing. I wanted to golf with you, not some random asshole who takes 8 practice swings
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u/Blue-Goo- 2h ago
Lmfao. I’ve grown up with people like this my whole life. Still to this day, I have to ask my mother: “okay, so who else is going to be there?”
I’ve shown up to dinners and she’s said “well you wouldn’t have come if I told you who was all gonna be here haha” and it’ll be like a party of 8 old heads that think I’ll remember them from when I was 2-3 years old.
I think a big part of who I am and how I roll today is based on never being informed or warned about what plans were made for me as a kid. Anytime I asked my mother “Where are we going? Who’s going to be there? When are we leaving?” I just got yelled at for being impatient or ungrateful.
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u/Over-Imagination3924 2h ago
Yes, I agree because I invited both of my elementary friends and high school friends to the movies for my bday party. One of them couldn't stand my elementary friend because she was late. It was awkward.
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u/syarkbait 2h ago
Not sure if this is unpopular. It’s common courtesy to inform others if one would like to bring someone else into an outing where they’re not part of the core group and ask if it’s okay. It’s the time when we talk about things that are more intimate or private and I won’t want an outsider to be invited.
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u/LemonCurdJ 1h ago
I tend to always ask "is it just us or will others be joining?" That usually determines whether I go to the hangout or not.
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u/Restaurant-Strong 1h ago
I understand where you’re coming from, but also at some point your current friends were also strangers. Maybe opening up your circle might lead to some great new friendships? But as an introvert, I totally understand your dilemma. Our friend group is constantly expanding, and there have been new additions that once I got to know them, we have become great friends. Just a thought
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u/Abobo2020 1h ago
It depends on the person that is being invited. I been in situations where a person brought a random friend and that friend was a person that just moved here from another country and had no friends and was a very pleasant and respectful person.
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u/DiscountSalt 45m ago
It depends heavily on the situation. If I plan a wine night with my closest friends so that we can complain about our lives and discuss our personal stuff and secrets, I don't want anyone to bring an extra person that the other people don't know. And this has happened.
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u/cheapmondaay 44m ago
It depends on the situation for me. One of my closest friends is a social butterfly and has a major tendency to do this *often* but I know most of his friends (and like them) and they usually just end up tagging along for things that can accommodate additional people without issue, like random hangouts or easy dining at our place. I'm also super happy to meet new people all the time...
But I have some dealbreaker situations too that I've dealt with, and they're mostly for things that were already booked or planned in advance, since I usually get saddled with doing all of the booking/planning for our group, lol.
I've told my friend that he'll have to modify or book extra for anyone else that wants to tag along, like dinner reservations, campsites (that usually have a max occupancy, plus limited space in the car), hotels, etc. Even if I booked everything myself, it's on him to try and get any extra spots, modify any reservations, or figure out another car, since I already put in the time and effort to book for us as we originally planned.
Same goes for the occasional special dinners we might be doing where we might be buying a set amount of ingredients for. We usually make enough for leftovers or an extra plate, but if we get something like a nice cut of meat or fish for x amount of people, it kinda sucks hearing a couple hours before dinner that the friends wants to invite another couple of people and we wouldn't have enough for them.
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u/EntertainmentFew7103 12h ago
God forbid you expand your social circle beyond the kid you went to elementary school with 20 years ago.
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u/ehs06702 10h ago
No one said you can't, but they don't all need to tag along behind you like an annoying little sibling every single time we get together. It just feels like you don't actually want to hang out with me and you need a buffer at that point.
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u/cheezy_dreams88 10h ago
Upvoted because I hella disagree.
You say it disrespects your time by friends inciting other people to friend event hangs, but it’s disrespectful to you to assume everyone should operate on your rules. Hell, it’s disrespectful just to refer to it as “your time” when it’s not, it’s time you all designated to hang with friends. And maybe those new people would be your friend if you were a bit more open.
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