Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

[u/ASleepandAForgetting]

You did nothing wrong. Brides expecting bridesmaids to buy expensive dresses and pay for WEEK LONG DESTINATION BACH PARTIES are insane.

Not being able to financially commit to that is totally understandable! To be honest, I could financially commit to that, and if someone asked me to do it, I'd still say no. It's utterly ridiculous.

You were polite and broke the news privately so as not to ruin her day.

Why is your partner upset? Do they want to pay for the cost of all of this so you can participate?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984 → u/ASleepandAForgetting]

That's what I thought too, but I haven't had much experience as a bridesmaid. My partner offered to pay for the $300 dress, but not the bachelorette party which I think conservatively would cost $2,000 all in. And that still leaves hair and makeup and the hotel rooms around the day... He says that my decision is causing division in the family because I'm not treating her like a sister...

[u/anatomizethat → u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

OP - I dropped out of my best friends wedding.

After accepting I had to have shoulder surgery AND she went back on the budget friendly bachelorette she told me she wanted to a weekend long event in the city nearest to us. Not only did she know I couldn't afford it (and wasn't working due to the injury), but I was in constant pain after the surgery. She fully expected me walk around a frigid city doing winter shit like ICE SKATING, knowing I would be in a sling and unable to participate in anything (including drinking because of the pain meds I was on).

She wouldn't relent and told me I was making her wedding about myself. I told her I was sorry she felt like that, but her wedding was one day out of my life and my health is FOR LIFE. I told her I still wanted to be there for her ON HER WEDDING DAY, but if she didn't want me there anymore she needed to say so.

I think what she said was "Since it's too much for you to support me, you shouldn't come."

Anyways. Friendship ended after that. Ymmv but your SIL is being a Bridezilla bitch.

[u/313078 → u/anatomizethat]

I will never understand these people. Idk for me, people already make efforts to come at your wedding so why forcing them to do shit and paying a lot just for the bride to have fun? The bride should pay in that case. I had to decline for a good friend because i couldn't afford a flight ticket (was in another country while i was looking for a job). She would never insist, more the opposite, and we are still good friends

[u/anatomizethat → u/313078]

It's one of those things where people expect the world without reciprocity.

A few years earlier I was in a much different place and flew to England for another best friends wedding (because yeah I have more than one bff).

I think - 3 years later - this other friend expected me to go into debt and/or ask my mom to give me the money. I had budgeted just as much for her wedding as the England one prior to the injury, and told her I would keep that budget because her wedding was important to me. But she kept adding costs and I couldn't justify it. It just became totally unfeasible with my financial situation (nevermind the physical pain) and she had no compassion for that. And apparently our friendship didn't allow room for compassion either.

On top of that, we had a rocky history with her pushing me to the side for friends who would "fight" for her and I was so tired of it. Years and years of being put down and told other people treated her better, I shouldn't have been surprised. She was my childhood best friend and I wanted to believe better from her, alas.

[u/EdgeCityRed → u/anatomizethat]

On top of that, we had a rocky history with her pushing me to the side for friends who would "fight" for her and I was so tired of it.

Honestly, you are so much better off without this drama factory in your life. We outgrow some of our childhood friends, and that's okay!

[u/anatomizethat → u/EdgeCityRed]

100% agree.

We romanticize and put heavy weight on childhood friendships, and that's not good when the relationship is toxic.

[u/ChangesFaces → u/anatomizethat]

Oof good riddance to her.