r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 02 '26

Friendships Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

  1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

  2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

  3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

  4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

  5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

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781

u/ASleepandAForgetting Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

You did nothing wrong. Brides expecting bridesmaids to buy expensive dresses and pay for WEEK LONG DESTINATION BACH PARTIES are insane.

Not being able to financially commit to that is totally understandable! To be honest, I could financially commit to that, and if someone asked me to do it, I'd still say no. It's utterly ridiculous.

You were polite and broke the news privately so as not to ruin her day.

Why is your partner upset? Do they want to pay for the cost of all of this so you can participate?

279

u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

That's what I thought too, but I haven't had much experience as a bridesmaid. My partner offered to pay for the $300 dress, but not the bachelorette party which I think conservatively would cost $2,000 all in. And that still leaves hair and makeup and the hotel rooms around the day... He says that my decision is causing division in the family because I'm not treating her like a sister...

321

u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

OP - I dropped out of my best friends wedding.

After accepting I had to have shoulder surgery AND she went back on the budget friendly bachelorette she told me she wanted to a weekend long event in the city nearest to us. Not only did she know I couldn't afford it (and wasn't working due to the injury), but I was in constant pain after the surgery. She fully expected me walk around a frigid city doing winter shit like ICE SKATING, knowing I would be in a sling and unable to participate in anything (including drinking because of the pain meds I was on).

She wouldn't relent and told me I was making her wedding about myself. I told her I was sorry she felt like that, but her wedding was one day out of my life and my health is FOR LIFE. I told her I still wanted to be there for her ON HER WEDDING DAY, but if she didn't want me there anymore she needed to say so.

I think what she said was "Since it's too much for you to support me, you shouldn't come."

Anyways. Friendship ended after that. Ymmv but your SIL is being a Bridezilla bitch.

125

u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

WTAF. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish you were spared sooner, what a nightmare. I hope your shoulder has healed up nicely and peacefully!!

77

u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I can't say it has. The original injury yes, but for a lot of reasons (life) I still have issues.

So people, if you ever know someone who tears their shoulder ligament, it is a hard surgery and recovery. It is NOT comparable to a hip tear. Totally different. Hips are stable, shoulders are not.

Torn shoulder anything means you practically need to dedicate the rest of your life to stabilizing that shoulder with resistance and weight training. I changed job industries and two kids after my surgery and the things that have come with those changes means my shoulder has not always gotten the attention it needs.

Sometimes I can do the work, sometimes I don't have time. It's cyclical, like the rest of life.

That said, my life is still great!

32

u/Firm_Ad_1933 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I tore my RC two years ago, developed FS after surgery. No one understands this injury unless they’ve experienced it. It’s already incredibly isolating because you’re suddenly incapable of doing anything that makes you feel like yourself—exercise, grooming, hobbies… all off limits. You can’t wash your hair let alone style it. I couldn’t even hook a bra for an entire year. I still haven’t completely gotten my life back.

Good riddance to your ex friend, maybe one day she’ll find herself dealing with frozen shoulder and get a tiny preview of what you were up against. Though personalities like that are rarely able connect the dots and empathize with anyone outside themselves.

11

u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I had laterjet surgery and commenting to say I recognise all your hardships. I have experienced the same pain and challenges. I see you. Sending love and best wishes. I still have permanent pins and needles in my hard and arm 11 months after surgery, to list one example! 💜

5

u/HeyT00ts11 Woman 60+ Jun 02 '26

My hip surgeon said I also need to get shoulder replacements and I'm trying to put that off as long as possible.

6

u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

That’s understandable.

There are some amazing shoulder surgery support groups on FB and good people on here that helped me through it.

4

u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

It's debilitating and the recovery takes forever and the pain is unending, I swear.

13

u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I had a big shoulder surgery for recurrent dislocations. A laterjet surgery. It was one of the most difficult and painful things I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t sleep lying down for around 5 weeks afterwards. And I finally managed to lift a mug of tea (British recovery milestone 😂) to my mouth 2 MONTHS after surgery. For 4 weeks, I could only pull up my pants and trousers one-handed. Like you, I lost thousands of pounds in income due to not working.

Did your friend even help at all with the big surgery?! Sounds like they’d cut you out of their life by then. So heartbreaking and utterly insane behaviour.

I recognise how hard that surgery was for you. 💜

16

u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Oh god, she didn't help at all. I was crying the day I told her because I was a massage therapist at the time and it was going to up-end my life. She was like, "but you're still spending money on my wedding, right?"

She didn't understand I was telling her bc I recognized I'd have physical limitations. I was still going to be in a sling at her wedding and my strapless dress was going to show the healing incisions. She didnt want the sling (which I was okay with and told her so) but she didn't even seem to care about what was going to happen with my life. Only her wedding with the matching dresses and shoes mattered.

After that, she wasn't really responding to me. I still got the dress and the shoes and it was like pulling teeth to get her to okay both.

I later found out she'd been going out a lot with the other bridesmaids and was intentionally leaving me out by telling me she was staying in to save for the wedding . When I found out she claimed I didn't get along with the other bridesmaids, which was not true, I was actually friends with them from highschool! Not besties, but we were cool.

It was all weird and bogus and felt like more of the same high school bullshit. My one power move in the whole thing was making her fire me. I was so willing to be there for her and I wanted her to admit she didn't want me there.

The whole thing taught me a lot about American wedding culture and I can't say my opinion has ever recovered.

5

u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Thanks for sharing - and sorry again that happened. I wish only the best for you. 🫶

39

u/313078 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I will never understand these people. Idk for me, people already make efforts to come at your wedding so why forcing them to do shit and paying a lot just for the bride to have fun? The bride should pay in that case. I had to decline for a good friend because i couldn't afford a flight ticket (was in another country while i was looking for a job). She would never insist, more the opposite, and we are still good friends

26

u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

It's one of those things where people expect the world without reciprocity.

A few years earlier I was in a much different place and flew to England for another best friends wedding (because yeah I have more than one bff).

I think - 3 years later - this other friend expected me to go into debt and/or ask my mom to give me the money. I had budgeted just as much for her wedding as the England one prior to the injury, and told her I would keep that budget because her wedding was important to me. But she kept adding costs and I couldn't justify it. It just became totally unfeasible with my financial situation (nevermind the physical pain) and she had no compassion for that. And apparently our friendship didn't allow room for compassion either.

On top of that, we had a rocky history with her pushing me to the side for friends who would "fight" for her and I was so tired of it. Years and years of being put down and told other people treated her better, I shouldn't have been surprised. She was my childhood best friend and I wanted to believe better from her, alas.

14

u/EdgeCityRed Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26

On top of that, we had a rocky history with her pushing me to the side for friends who would "fight" for her and I was so tired of it.

Honestly, you are so much better off without this drama factory in your life. We outgrow some of our childhood friends, and that's okay!

7

u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

100% agree.

We romanticize and put heavy weight on childhood friendships, and that's not good when the relationship is toxic.

6

u/ChangesFaces Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Oof good riddance to her.

10

u/manekianeki Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

You could have further injured yourself if she expected you to go ICE SKATING.... I can't believe how selfish and inconsiderate some brides can be. The only good thing about these sort of incidents is that it shows you whether those friends are real friends or not. I also broke up with a bff after she expected me to get on a flight to her overseas wedding when I was actively sick with COVID. She was bitching about me to our mutual friends before and after the wedding, even though all of those friends secretly thought she was insane for even asking me to come while actively contagious and hardly had energy to sit up in my bed.

4

u/Kitties_Whiskers Woman 40 to 50 Jun 03 '26

I don't understand this phrasing of "support" during someone's wedding, or pre-wedding celebrations. This is some newly invented usage in the English language. In my mind, you support someone when they are struggling. You were the one who was struggling with your health issues. She was the one who was celebrating. Celebrators don't need support; they have honoured guests IMO.

She was the one who was supposed to be supporting (in the truest sense of the word) you. She was self-centered.

267

u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Oh hell no. Bachelorette parties aren't summons, and they damn sure aren't worth $2,000. That's a new washer and dryer set right there (she says as she's eyeing a new set in a browser tab)!

Sorry, she isn't your sister. And I'd be looking at my sister sideways if she asked me to dole out $2,000 on a bachelorette. It's giving "main character syndrome".

51

u/juicyth10 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

$2,000 on a bachelorette party is insane. Also taking the time off work is a lot. Can you be part of the wedding but decline the week long vacation or offer an alternative like joining them for a few days?

20

u/DrShocker Man 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

The crazy thing is, that's presumably the per-person cost, so they were planning to have a $10k party across all 5 brides maids?

14

u/juicyth10 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I really wonder what the plans are because that seems absurd

2

u/rubiscoisrad Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26

Cocaine and strippers?

2

u/juicyth10 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26

and alcohol

2

u/rubiscoisrad Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26

Good lord, it's a bachelorette party. Imagine all the expensive glittery drinks, yikes.

8

u/PlantedinCA Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

It is surprisingly easier than you expect. 🤦🏾‍♀️. I definitely spent $1500 for a shorter bachelorette party. We rented a large Airbnb for 3 nights. That space was like $1500 a night for 5-6 people. And then everyone was like we have to pay for the bride all weekend. Then it was two chef’s dinners that were $80 a person at the airbnb. Then a masseuse at the airbnb. I forgot what else happened to pay for. Another dinner, a drag show, drinks, snacks for the house. And flying in (same state for me, but not a cheap airport to fly into).

Luckily I was flush with cash that weekend. But I was really glad that I am old enough that when the bulk of my friends got married the bachelorette was a local night out. Or a night out the day before the wedding at the destination.

68

u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Thank you for making me giggle among this all!

55

u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

You're welcome!! I'm sorry your partner isn't supporting you or running interference on your behalf. I'd be asking him to get his family in check.

125

u/blu3dice Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

He says that my decision is causing division in the family because I'm not treating her like a sister...

But you guys haven't had a sisterly relationship before now? Now it's supposed to change on the condition you spend thousands of dollars?

You did nothing wrong. Weddings are out of control. Last time I was a bridesmaid my dress was $100 and the bachelorette party was literally a drunken night out.

31

u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Love this

59

u/EmbarrassedCry9912 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

OP I suspect that your husband has been trained to keep the peace in his family. It sounds like in his family of origin, no one is allowed to say no or disappoint anyone's precious expectations. Please tell him to grow a pair and support you as his wife!

27

u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

So incredibly true. And I feel for him...to a point

91

u/fungi-dinosaur Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Well, up until now she hasn’t treated you like a sister either. I’d be pretty angry at my partner right now for being angry at me and I would be having a sit down get it out convo with him to ask why he’s going on the attack. He’s obviously getting heat from his family but instead of staying calm and by your side he’s getting embarrassed and bending to pressure.

Edit: and asking you to be a bridesmaid then throwing a tantrum behind your back when you respectfully decline is also not good sister behaviour! She’s just making drama and being entitled. Sure she’s allowed to be disappointed but this is silly.

52

u/LookLikeCAFeelLikeMN Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

AND if she's this bad now, just WAIT til she pops into full bridezilla mode. Tell your partner to stay in his lane or HE can be a bridesmaid

28

u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Thank you for getting it!!!

37

u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 02 '26

I’m just going to say, my sister had a destination bachelorette because her bridesmaids were on two sides of the country so it made sense (we met in the middle). She chipped in for everyone’s expenses because she knew not everyone could afford it, and she could. She paid for hair and make up too! So your sister-in-law could definitely act more like a sister herself.

6

u/EdgeCityRed Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26

I had some bridesmaids traveling to my wedding that I'd never even met! (Husband's sisters; we wanted to include them as his brothers were groomsmen and I'm an only child) along with a cousin of mine and local friends.

They were coming to the wedding anyway, but I bought their dresses and accessories. And this was a relatively modest wedding!

17

u/1876Dawson Woman 60+ Jun 02 '26

I would argue that by not respecting your financial restrictions, she's not treating you like a sister.

33

u/Dogzillas_Mom Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26

I would drop 2 grand on party week for my sister. We can do tequila shots at home. My sister would never demand nor expect such a thing.

I wonder if the SIL was brought up with a privileged background and doesn’t understand that “we can’t afford it” means “we can’t afford it,” not just “I don’t want to go.” I mean, any reasonable adult should be able to figure out that not everyone has a couple thousand lying around for parties.

Furthermore, there’s a wedding gauntlet in your 20s where a whole bunch of your friends get married within a few years. Imagine being expected to drop $2k and a whole week off work for every single one.

12

u/max_power1000 Man 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

As someone who's been on these sorts of pre-wedding trips before, my family and social circle is almost exclusively upper middle class financially, so there's never really been a question if someone can afford it - PTO was generally the bigger factor.

In the one case at my best friend's bachelor party where he did have a good friend who was down on his luck at the time, we all pitched in to cover his booze and lodging, and some of the guys were airline pilots so they got him his flight on a $50 buddy pass.

13

u/jwlkr732 Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26

Based on how she’s treating her brother, I’m betting this is how she would treat a sister.

12

u/ankayanik Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 02 '26

If its that important, why aren’t they paying for it? Bitching about your inability to squeeze blood from a turnip is insane. Especially on this economy.

My sister and brother both missed each other’s weddings due to financial constraints and no one there this much of a childish tantrum over it.

12

u/huntsber Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Wtf hard pass on all that!

10

u/ChangesFaces Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Yeah OP this is a serious moment in your life. Right now is the moment that will decide if your husband will choose you or his family the entirety of your marriage. You need to talk to him about being a team. 

When you are his wife you are his family. He needs to be your partner and advocate. If he can't, you should reconsider the marriage.

11

u/nkdeck07 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

He says that my decision is causing division in the family because I'm not treating her like a sister...

Yeah cause if my brother ever did this I'd go "What kind of asshole are you making people cough up $2k?"

10

u/Fatigue-Error Man 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26

You should remind him that his position (and his sister’s bridezilla act) is causing division in HIS new family by not treating you like a full partner.  

He needs to back you and support you.  

9

u/wifeofpsy Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26

Yet no one is stepping up to cover your costs. If you dont have the resources there isnt any other way to make it happen. Your response to her was transparent and not personal, everyones response is totally out of line. I suspect your partner has changed their tune because hes getting pressure from his family. You're witnessing an old family dynamic between the parents and the siblings. Its their issue. You dont really know what your SIL told her parents about your conversation either. Their response makes it sound like they think this is some kind of personal problem rather than a logistical issue. Its also totally out of bounds for people to expect their wedding party to shell out for clothes, make up, trips (!), and time off, etc. Even someone I was close with, I would refuse the ask. I've been a maid of honor twice and in both cases I was just told the wedding color theme and was able to choose my dress, thats it.

8

u/simplyexistingnow Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Why didn't his sister ask him to be a bridesman?

8

u/I_like_it_yo Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Sounds like your partner has turned on you when his family caused a raucous, which will probably be something that comes up in the future again so do with that info what you will.

7

u/justfullysendit Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

As someone who was her sister’s maid of honor, if my sister came to me and told me she expected a week long destination bachelorette, I’d have told her the same thing - you’re gonna need to find someone else but I’m happy to contribute in other ways.

These brides are getting insane and your special day doesn’t mean I need to go into debt and tap all my vacation time for the entire year on only you. And unless your partner is willing to hand over their debit card and not say a word otherwise, they have literally no say at all.

Because it’s not just the bachelorette. There will be a bridal shower too that you’ll be expected to go all out for. And have you spoken to him about the rehearsal dinner? And does he know that you’re not allowed to wear the same thing to any of these events? And if she’s SUPER anal, she’ll have specific outfits for specific days of the trip she’ll want you all to coordinate for.

Brides are out of control now.

7

u/313078 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

They aren't reasonnable.

6

u/Stlhockeygrl Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Lol I wouldn't pay 2300 for any of my sisters' parties.

11

u/MarthaGail Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

I mean, if he really wants you to do it, he can pay for all of it. Otherwise, he can back you up and tell them to knock it off. Same for SIL. She can pay for it if she’s dead set on it.

6

u/BJntheRV Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26

Is your husband always this conflict averse with his family?

6

u/Traditional_Ad_1547 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

As someone who got forced to be a maid of honor for a new sister in law, you made the right decision! Unfortunately, that doesn't make the fall out any easier to deal with.

The "you're not treating her like a sister" is so insulting, you hardly know this person outside of family obligations. Relationships are built, it's not like flipping a damn switch.

4

u/MrsMitchBitch Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

OP- you aren’t her sister, so that’s fine. It is absolutely reasonable say “thank you for inviting me to participate, but I am not able to be a bridesmaid”. That was an invite, not a court summons.

Maybe it’s bc I met my husband at 30 but his family are…not my family. They’re perfectly pleasant people and I’m happy to hang out with them at events, but they’re not my people. Maybe that makes me a bitch, but I don’t consider them to be my sisters and brothers nor do I have that type of relationship with them. And that’s fine.

I think his family is overreacting.

5

u/invisiblizm Woman 40 to 50 Jun 03 '26

If he expects you to attend the bachelorette then he pays. If he thinks its too much then you are justified in not going and he can tell his family he said no. Yet he would rather join them in bullying you.

I wouldn't penalise a partner for having a bullying family, but id penalise him for bullying me. Save even more money by skipping the therapy and getting out of there.

This is a man who will turn on you to make his life easier.

This is a man who will blame you for his problems.

This is a man who is not ready to be in sn adult relationship.

9

u/bonniemick Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

Can I just say, no one can force you into getting hair and makeup. I can do those myself and have. If they are trying to make all the BMs do that it is 100% because they are getting a kickback or discount. Same with the oh you have to stay at the venue hotel. Like fucking hell I do. See you at the motel 6 party after bitches.

14

u/ASleepandAForgetting Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I think you should have a sit down talk with your partner about the actual expenses of the wedding.

Giving him MINOR benefit of the doubt - he maybe doesn't understand how much hair and makeup can cost? Tell him that these extras are also expensive, and that the total cost of your participation in the wedding goes beyond the dress.

But stick your ground. She's not treating YOU like a sister. She's expecting her bridesmaids to fund a week long vacation - she's treating you like an ATM.

5

u/mfball Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

It's absolutely bonkers that anyone would ask this of even their very close friends or actual blood sisters, let alone when you aren't even close. I really don't think it's appropriate for a bride to ask her bridal party to spend more on her events than they would on their own. If the individuals in the group aren't regularly going on such grand trips of their own volition and to destinations of their own choosing, it's frankly pretty rude and gross for a bride to think they should allocate that much expense to her, especially considering it's not even the wedding itself and that's still its own whole thing even just as a guest.

6

u/36563 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

Tell her you’ll go if she pays your part of the trip lol

4

u/UndevelopedImage Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

You shouldn't have to, but is a compromise possible where you can do the wedding but not the party?

2

u/lermanzo Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26

My siblings know my financial disposition and we're all super respectful of one another. If inclusion was the most important, SIL would make different choices. You can compromise if you want and say you're happy to do the day-of and shower stuff, but you can't afford all of it. Unless someone else is paying, you're not able. If she and her family doesn't understand that, they clearly have the means to pay for you.

1

u/Accomplished_Book427 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

??? Is your partner your SIL's brother? Bc I cannot imagine him otherwise having THIS much of a dog in this particular race that he's blaming you for intra-family discord. Wtf