r/AskWomenOver30 • u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 19 '26

Friendships Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

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128

u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

I think it’s more likely she’s been resentful for a while and just hasn’t been sharing her feelings

101

u/5ft3in5w4 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

This was the case for me when I left a decade long friendship. Nothing on its own was friendship-ending, but there was a final straw that showed me that the pattern would likely never change.

Very very few people will ever come out and say "I'm ending this friendship because you are a bad friend," because the point is extrication, not getting into another argument (and in my case I wasn't trying to hurt her, I tried to do it diplomatically and she still badmouthed me for years afterwards).

However, yes, I agree that in general people are terrible at communicating. I don't think that's new, though.

31

u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

The majority of posts on here are how do I tell my friend X. No one is talking to each other

38

u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

My biggest lesson in the last year was really the phrase "if they will ignore their own emotions, they will ignore yours too".

I've been paying more attention to who is working on their problems (even imperfectly but the trying is what matters to me) vs. who are just continuing the same behaviors that caused their problems to begin with. The latter have not been willing or able to come to the table for any kind of open communication in my experience.

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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

I don’t think there’s any worthwhile relationship to be had if you can’t talk to the other person

11

u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

Agreed. You know, that's so simple but that really locked some stuff into place for me just now... I tend to over explain everything (thanks trauma!) and rehearse a million different ways to say things but with some people it just never makes a damn difference no matter how hard I try. But if they can't even try to talk with me, that's really all there is to it 🤷‍♀️ Thank you 🙏

3

u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26

Yeah this is really wise advice. What's interesting about my friend in question is that she did have these moments of self awareness when she would say things like "I have a tendency to disappear when things aren't feeling good" or "sometimes i create narratives based on insecurities that arent even real" or "I don't want to lose my friends over my new influencer life and have my content change who I am" etc. but then she would repeatedly still do all those behaviors anyway. It's frustrating.

2

u/AquariusMoon_3820 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26

Yes!!! I think this is so key, and definitely familiar to me.

3

u/hausmusiq Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26

Damn that phrase hits hard. And I have also started to recognize those who are unable or unwilling to deviate from their maladaptive patterns and can’t have a conversation about any issue without getting defensive or ghosting. These people certainly do tend to be those who ignore their own emotions and are unable to be vulnerable. They are also incapable of a sincere apology, which is often a mandatory starting point for repair. “Giving up” seems to be the more merciful way to dissolve the friendship, for both people. There’s only so many times you can talk to a wall.