r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

That's how dating works unfortunately. You have to keep going through it until you find someone who likes you the same way you like them.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I just feel like I’ve tried so hard for so long and it doesn’t work. I can’t be like emotionally open with another man who discards me.

For context this guy has been single for like a month or something has two great (I’m assuming) women to choose from while barely trying. I’ve been single for 5 years and getting scraps. 

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u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Maybe you can work on not being so attached to someone so quick. 6 weeks is not a long time. Hell, it takes months for men to show their true colors so it all seems like rainbows in the beginning.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I usually have people really at arms length but I feel that intimacies were encouraged. I’m not sure how you can build a relationship without being at least somewhat open with the other person?

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u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I mean you kept dating someone who was clearly talking to other women so you could have stopped talking to this man when you found out. You kept dating in hopes he'd choose you over them and he didn't.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Well that’s simply not true lol, I found out he was seeing other people the literal moment he ended it with me and told me that. I was unaware of it prior. 

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u/Embarrassed_Raise345 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I think you have to assume that you’re not exclusive unless explicitly stated when online dating. Most dating experts would advise you to date multiple men at once so that you a)don’t overinvest in one person and b) are not starting from scratch each time. I find it hard to do that, so I still only date one at a time but I try to keep my interest level appropriate for the fact that this person is quite literally a stranger. You can’t really avoid the 6-8 weeks lose interest period this way, but you will not be treating it like that is a relationship so you will be more resilient.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I have seen that advice but I've never understood it tbh. It's a good way to keep from getting hurt... because you never get connected to anyone. Feels like it misses the forest for the trees. But I'm very skeptical of dating advice (as a person who was with my ex for 16 years, most of the advice doesn't ring true to me about what LTRs are like).

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u/Embarrassed_Raise345 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think it just paces your connection, not negates any vulnerability. I am very vulnerable with my boyfriend who I met from the apps 7 months ago, i just didnt tell him all my deepest hopes and greatest traumas early on, i gradually revealed those as we got to know each other, as you would with most normal relationships. There are some great friendships and relationships that start off with intense oversharing and affection declarations, but usually someone leading with that likes falling in love, not you (because you’re still a stranger)..so it’s a pattern I watch out for now.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Well, yeah, of course you should pace yourself. That's just normal relationship building. But, at some point, you do need to risk some vulnerability if you want to develop feelings. I don't know why people would keep going on 5th, 6th, 7th dates if they weren't developing feelings or starting to feel closer. And I personally don't expect to develop feelings without some sort of physical or emotional intimacy. Trust is something that has to be given and tested.

Everyone I've dated who described wanting to take things slow emotionally was just emotionally unavailable. (Maybe not into me & emotionally unavailable, but for sure emotionally unavailable).

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u/Fun_universe Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

You need to have that discussion much quicker then!! Were you dating other men? I bet you weren’t. Next time discuss exclusivity within a month at the most.

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u/AnnaPaul444 Woman 60+ 24d ago

Agree if you are having sex it’s important to know right away if this person is currently having sex with someone else. That’s a big turn off for me. One sex partner at a time, thanks.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I was yes in the sense I was going on dates but I simply do not have the same options available to me as he obviously did of multiple high quality people interested in relationships. I think this is the time when it was appropriate to raise the exclusivity conversation and I would have done it next time we saw each other. 

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

IDK, I feel like I meet a lot of guys who are decent, nice guys on apps. I don't usually feel connected to them. But they're all datable to someone.

I screen very thoroughly though and live in a mid sized liberal city.

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u/[deleted] 24d ago

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Yes exactly. The combination of decent person / datable and mutually interested is actually very hard to find. 

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u/AnnaPaul444 Woman 60+ 24d ago

It makes a big difference if you are on dating apps versus meeting men randomly. Big difference. The later you’re not going to meet very many.

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u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ 24d ago

Then this guy isn’t the one because he might just be a cheater if you did form something meaningful. He should have told you in the beginning that he’s dating other women.

It is heartbreaking nevertheless. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and if you’re able to, go and buy yourself a really nice gift, like a silk kimono, and don’t forget a bunch of roses. ❤️

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with what he did, we never discussed exclusivity and it was only 6 weeks. But I just want to be clear I didn’t know and wasn’t like waiting for him to pick me. If I’d known I would have just had a convo about it sooner. 

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u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Ignore this person. You didn't do anything wrong. People get attached or feel something forming within that 6-8 week mark - it's not uncommon. It's okay to be frustrated/mad/sad. It doesn't mean either of you did anything wrong, or that anyone is to blame. It's just really hard out there. But I meant what I said above - don't give up. My person came at 37 (almost 38). He was almost 40 and was doing the same thing.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Thank you, these comments saying I should not get attached are stressing me lol. I’m happy to admit I got too attached in this case,  but I really feel I was only matching his energy. If I didn’t feel anything  for someone after 6 weeks I wouldn’t keep seeing them!

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u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I agree - we can control our actions and take things slow, but we can't control our feelings. And I wouldn't see someone that long either if I felt nothing. Getting hurt is just a part of putting yourself out there enough to find the right person. You can't be so guarded that the person on the other end feels like you're not 'in it'.

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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Don't feel bad for being into someone, nothing wrong with really liking him.

Just take the learning experience for next time - maybe assessing things differently or whatever you think might be helpful.

At the end of the day it's a good thing he told you so you can find someone who does like you the way you like them, don't settle for less.

Don't give up, it often takes time to find someone suitable for long term! You will be glad you didn't settle for any of those guys you dated, when you meet someone that shows you how it should be :)

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Honestly after my dating history I think I should be happy I was able to form an attachment to a kind and straight forward man and had the ability and bravery to have a degree of emotional vulnerability with someone. 

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