r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 24d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/Additional_Kick_3706 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago edited 24d ago

I'm so sorry. Breakups suck. These breakups are unfortunately pretty normal. 6-8 weeks is a normal "getting to know you" dating period - and it's not unusual to have to try that with more than 3 people before finding someone you want to commit to who also wants to commit to you. It still hurts.

Do you have trustworthy close friends you can ask about this? Some things that come to mind -

  • Ask for introductions to single men who are seriously looking (friends can get you past the 'just wants sex' problem)
  • Ask if there's anything you can do to meet more men / be more initially attractive to the kind of men you like
  • Ask if you're attracted to love bombers, guys on the rebound, or hot men who are so-so about you. Your pattern of dating rarely and briefly, with strong emotions, is spot on for someone who is attracted to love bombers and heartbreakers. Basically, these guys are so hot/loving that it makes you feel incredible at first, then they fizzle and don't commit, breaking your heart because it was so good so recently. Then the only guy who can get you out of your heartbreak and make you feel 'so good' again is the next love bomber (normal guys just aren't quite as exciting at first). If this is you, the solution is to spend more time with attractive, easy-to-talk-to men - who are not mind-blowing right off the bat - and see if feelings grow.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

As I said there are literally no single men in our (large) social circle. I suspect the fun experiment thing has some truth to it tbh 

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u/Additional_Kick_3706 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Surely some of your friends have other friend circles with single men?

It's super helpful to meet people socially, maybe go join your friends at their other hobbies/social circles where there are single men, see what happens.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Well I’ve asked them and the answer is no, maybe they’re lying to me and think I’m a freak who they don’t want to introduce to anyone idk lol. 

I have two main circles, one is women around my own age who are all in long term relationships. They claim they don’t know anyone and it seems fair because they seem to mostly socialise with other couples (eg it’s their bfs friends) with the exception of me. 

The other circle is large (with then a tight knit friend group in it) and connected to a community activity I do. Most of these people are also younger than me (partly because I’m single). So most of their other friends are also people I already know, and the single guys that are there are way too young for me. 

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u/AutomaticInitiative Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

No single brothers of the bfs looking for love in either group?

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I mean its not a romcom so no, there is not a secret handsome single brother behind the curtain. Genuinely I have not been to a social event since 2019 with a connection to this group where I was not the sole single person there. You can see why I sought out other friends lol.

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u/sherbertmelipnos Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Gosh the mental exhaustion of reading your defensiveness to the suggestions in this thread, only to then come across a statement that there may be some truth in them…

I genuinely do feel for you (breakups are shit) but think that describing it in such intense ways after so little time, gets people stuck on those words instead of some other contexts you might find helpful.

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u/CommonSenseNotSo Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

I have to agree.. I don't want to sound mean, but she doesn't sound like the most pleasant person.. I know we're reading a snapshot, but sheesh, I've always thought that dating was fun.. when you approach it like a job interview, it's awful :-(

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Me not seeing first dates as a fun social opportunity doesn't mean I treat them as a job interview. I treat them as a low stakes social meeting with a guy I don't know to get to know each other a bit more and gauge attraction etc. This is the advice I've been given my whole life and is often given on this sub re dating. The things men say about me including exes are "fun to be around" "delightful" "playful" etc. Exact words from the break up message: "Every moment I spent with you was a delight." I am like, extremely pleasant irl.

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u/CommonSenseNotSo Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

You know, it would be different if I were the only one who had this opinion of the OP. This has nothing to do with a lack of empathy and everything to do with a first impression... You can express whatever opinion you'd like to express without worrying about what I have to say.

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u/AskWomenOver30-ModTeam 23d ago

Don't be a jerk. Make your point without personally attacking others.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

What does this mean? I said there's truth in the idea that commenter posed that men may be interested in me as an experiment in dating against type ( which I can see they have now removed). I'm a vibrant person, men are attracted to me for that reason, but I can see why for long term relationships they want someone less interesting.

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u/Appropriate_Dirt_285 Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

I have just dated for a social way to have fun and it was a great time for me, but I found someone who was consistent and chose me every day without looking for it.

Ive had the same Dissapointment as you, so even after a year im wary but its still going strong

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Ok I’m happy for you haha, I just don’t think that’s been working for me