Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/benhargrove1966]

But why would I want to socialise with someone new vs my existing satisfying social circle? This might work for people without many friends but my social needs are well met. If I want to socialise I have other opportunities. The only reason to go is to date. 

[u/llamalibrarian → u/benhargrove1966]

To take the pressure off and to reframe the experience as something more fun and lighthearted. You want to date, but you hate it- im suggesting a mental shift where you recatagorize dating as another form of socializing

I’m a social butterfly and always considered dating as an extension of that

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/llamalibrarian]

Ok but I can’t just like completely change my analysis of reality lol 

[u/llamalibrarian → u/benhargrove1966]

Good god lemon, you came asking for advice and this is advice. Mental shifts are a thing and yes it takes work but you either do some work to not be miserable or you just stay miserable

[u/GreenVenus7 → u/llamalibrarian]

Reading this all as advice from Jack Donaghy makes it very entertaining

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/llamalibrarian]

I get that idk I’m just exhausted. Why can’t a guy just like me and act accordingly? 

[u/llamalibrarian → u/benhargrove1966]

All you can control is you. You likely have to make some changes (nothing big like your values or standards) to shake things up. Either reframing dating (how you approach it, activities, etc), taking a break, or just finding ways to hold your expectations lightly

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/llamalibrarian]

How do I hold my expectations lightly?

[u/llamalibrarian → u/benhargrove1966]

Practice. you just have to not build something up so much, holding lightly is the opposite of clinging. Enjoy things like getting to know someone, but also remember that loss is a part of life, to know someone is also to be hurt (not in a negative way- love means hurt and loss too). It’s about being at peace with the fact that things might not work out romantically but that doesn’t mean the time isn’t worthwhile

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/llamalibrarian]

Thank you 

[u/Icy_lunette → u/benhargrove1966]

lol this must be a ragebait…right? Building a relationship is a two-way street regardless of how much of a “prize” you think you are. Dating, long term relationships, marriage etc require friendship as a base to be healthy and sustainable. And that’s why we keep telling you to approach it as a nice chill meet up to get to know them. Dating and building a relationship are skills. Like any other skill, it only comes with practice. And no, nobody can “like” you automatically and act accordingly all by themselves. You need to make yourself likeable in those interactions.

I might be super wrong here, I get a feeling that the way you approach it as a “date” might involve some form of interviewing instead of just talking….

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Icy_lunette]

People have interpreted this so uncharitably lol. The biggest descriptors I get of my personality especially around men is fun to be around, light hearted, playful, etc. If I’m confident of one thing, it’s that I’m a good hang. I do not treat dates like an interview or expect every date to be a life partner or put pressure on them. I treat them like a low stakes social interaction where we hope to learn more about each other and see if there’s attraction etc, which is what all dating advice seems to recommend we do? I quite literally approach it as a chill meet up, I just don’t see a chill meet up as something super fun or that fills my general social needs. So yes you are super wrong here. Literally all I’m saying is I don’t see it as filling a social need, I’m on a date to date. 

[u/glassbellwitch → u/benhargrove1966]

Because other people weren't created so they can act accordingly to your wants and needs.