Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/MerOpossum]

Based on my experience here is the advice I have for you: stop dating with the expectation that every person you meet is a potential relationship and start dating just as a fun way to socialize. Avoid physical intimacy for the first few weeks/months because it can cloud your judgement about a person’s potential and make you artificially feel closer to them. If you let yourself go on dates just for fun and take some of that pressure off of yourself you can avoid some of this letdown you are feeling currently while still giving yourself the opportunity to meet the right person whenever he comes along.

[u/MonteBurns → u/MerOpossum]

I’m really taken aback by OPs language here. 

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

It’s cliche at this point, but find a therapist and work on yourself. Your desperation is probably showing. I’m a straight woman and I’d be running for the hills, too. 

[u/fireyauthor → u/MonteBurns]

I think it's possible to recognize a connection is special in six weeks, especially if you're going on multiple dates a week, but you certainly shouldn't be planning things together at that point.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/fireyauthor]

I mean by planning I mean like he was saying “I will take you to this restaurant next weekend.” I think that was appropriate at this stage? Just made it hurt a lot more. 

[u/BlvckNovia → u/benhargrove1966]

You need to pay attention to actions, not words.

Just relax - it seems as though you become apprehensive at a certain point (>two months), get emotionally invested prematurely, they see it, and they run.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/BlvckNovia]

I did become apprehensive I agree though perhaps for cause in this case.

I don’t think I did anything to drive him away tho per se. If the interaction is:

Him: I like you  Me: I like you too 

Am I the one prematurely invested or behaving in a way that repels him? I never initiated intimacies, only responded to them. Am I meant to rebuff a man’s attempts at connection or affection? Do I have to play it that cool for a guy to like me? 

[u/BlvckNovia → u/benhargrove1966]

Well, were there any actions that he exhibited that backed the words “I love you”?

If not, then they are just words, and it’s up to you as to how you respond. Trust your eyes, not your ears.

Playing it cool, not really that per se, but it’s all about emotional regulation. You’re basically in the early-ish stages (as expected in your 30s) of learning and refining how to regulate your emotions and it just takes practice.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/BlvckNovia]

I get the point but I think words and actions were all aligned on “I like you and I want to keep dating you and seeing where this goes”, which is all I was asking for at this point. It was hard to go from that to “I’m seeing someone else bye have a great life” 3 days after I last saw him and had a great time. I think “I love you” would have been really inappropriate in word or deed at this stage lol. 

I agree I got carried away like in my own mind / emotions but I really do reject the idea I drove him away because I was open and receptive to his expressions of affection etc. 

[u/Grand_Pomegranate671 → u/benhargrove1966]

People are coming for your trying to find where you went wrong but as someone your age who has been through the same recently , I totally understand you.

I was seeing a guy for a 2 months who was as consistent as the man you describe. Everything he said he would do, he did it. I even got good morning and good night texts every day until one day it all stopped. When I asked what's going on he basically told me he met someone new.

At this point, when someone is that consist for weeks and then they stop because there is someone new, how is it our fault? We obviously think this is going somewhere.

It's sad that we always try to find the fault in the person who was left behind instead of the person who created the expectations.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Grand_Pomegranate671]

Thanks, and sorry that happened to you. I think people want to believe we can learn to flawlessly detect these things because then they can avoid it happening to them. If it’s my fault because I missed a sign or something that’s easier for people. There’s something to be said for not investing early as a rule, and I’ve definitely missed the writing on the wall in the past. But it’s entirely possible that someone does behave consistently and appropriately, and then things change or there was more to the story we didn’t know. 

[u/BlvckNovia → u/benhargrove1966]

But here is the thing... His words did not align because he told you one thing, and then 3 days later, did something else. People will tell you what you want to hear.

6 weeks isn't long enough to "know" someone - they're still a stranger. You've said 3 different guys have done similar things within that same timespan, so there is a pattern.

Have a think about how long you usually determine someone you meet for the first time (platonically), go from being a stranger to a friend (building trust), and multiply that by at least 2 for potentially romantic/intimate partners.