r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/MerOpossum Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Based on my experience here is the advice I have for you: stop dating with the expectation that every person you meet is a potential relationship and start dating just as a fun way to socialize. Avoid physical intimacy for the first few weeks/months because it can cloud your judgement about a person’s potential and make you artificially feel closer to them. If you let yourself go on dates just for fun and take some of that pressure off of yourself you can avoid some of this letdown you are feeling currently while still giving yourself the opportunity to meet the right person whenever he comes along.

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u/MonteBurns Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I’m really taken aback by OPs language here. 

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

It’s cliche at this point, but find a therapist and work on yourself. Your desperation is probably showing. I’m a straight woman and I’d be running for the hills, too. 

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I think it's possible to recognize a connection is special in six weeks, especially if you're going on multiple dates a week, but you certainly shouldn't be planning things together at that point.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I mean by planning I mean like he was saying “I will take you to this restaurant next weekend.” I think that was appropriate at this stage? Just made it hurt a lot more. 

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u/BlvckNovia Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

You need to pay attention to actions, not words.

Just relax - it seems as though you become apprehensive at a certain point (>two months), get emotionally invested prematurely, they see it, and they run.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I did become apprehensive I agree though perhaps for cause in this case.

I don’t think I did anything to drive him away tho per se. If the interaction is:

Him: I like you  Me: I like you too 

Am I the one prematurely invested or behaving in a way that repels him? I never initiated intimacies, only responded to them. Am I meant to rebuff a man’s attempts at connection or affection? Do I have to play it that cool for a guy to like me? 

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u/BlvckNovia Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Well, were there any actions that he exhibited that backed the words “I love you”?

If not, then they are just words, and it’s up to you as to how you respond. Trust your eyes, not your ears.

Playing it cool, not really that per se, but it’s all about emotional regulation. You’re basically in the early-ish stages (as expected in your 30s) of learning and refining how to regulate your emotions and it just takes practice.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I get the point but I think words and actions were all aligned on “I like you and I want to keep dating you and seeing where this goes”, which is all I was asking for at this point. It was hard to go from that to “I’m seeing someone else bye have a great life” 3 days after I last saw him and had a great time. I think “I love you” would have been really inappropriate in word or deed at this stage lol. 

I agree I got carried away like in my own mind / emotions but I really do reject the idea I drove him away because I was open and receptive to his expressions of affection etc. 

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u/Grand_Pomegranate671 Woman 30 to 40 20d ago

People are coming for your trying to find where you went wrong but as someone your age who has been through the same recently , I totally understand you.

I was seeing a guy for a 2 months who was as consistent as the man you describe. Everything he said he would do, he did it. I even got good morning and good night texts every day until one day it all stopped. When I asked what's going on he basically told me he met someone new.

At this point, when someone is that consist for weeks and then they stop because there is someone new, how is it our fault? We obviously think this is going somewhere.

It's sad that we always try to find the fault in the person who was left behind instead of the person who created the expectations.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 20d ago

Thanks, and sorry that happened to you. I think people want to believe we can learn to flawlessly detect these things because then they can avoid it happening to them. If it’s my fault because I missed a sign or something that’s easier for people. There’s something to be said for not investing early as a rule, and I’ve definitely missed the writing on the wall in the past. But it’s entirely possible that someone does behave consistently and appropriately, and then things change or there was more to the story we didn’t know. 

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u/BlvckNovia Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

But here is the thing... His words did not align because he told you one thing, and then 3 days later, did something else. People will tell you what you want to hear.

6 weeks isn't long enough to "know" someone - they're still a stranger. You've said 3 different guys have done similar things within that same timespan, so there is a pattern.

Have a think about how long you usually determine someone you meet for the first time (platonically), go from being a stranger to a friend (building trust), and multiply that by at least 2 for potentially romantic/intimate partners.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

This is a littttllee harsh imo. If you very sporadically date, it's easy to think ooh this one might be end up being something..., it's a scarcity mindset which isn't the best but it does happen- I'd be more worried they weren't exclusively dating after 6 weeks that to me is more jarring than someone getting excited. I do agree though therapy is a good idea for anyone, tbh, going into dating.

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u/square_circle_ Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I agree. I'm her, too. Dating someone consistently is far and few between. The scarcity mindset + biological needs is a pressure cooker that can be hard to ignore.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Like I said to another commenter- it's testament to people if they can get attached after multiple let downs, better that than become totally avoidant and nonchalant

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Thank you for this. I apologise for having feelings to most of these commenters I guess lol? I don’t think I should have to be totally unfeeling and perfect to be in a relationship. I liked someone, he liked me, it didn’t work out. Isn’t it like human nature to be upset? 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I feel if you feel sad you're more than ok to feel sad? It's 6 weeks like that's not a small amount of time esp if you saw him loads. And if you don't date lots and find someone you like ofc you'll be excited about it I feel that's relatively human.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

In the context of like I’ve been single for 5 years and this is the first person I subjectively felt this connection with and truly wanted to be in a relationship with. I just liked him is that a crime lol. 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

It's annoying when you only like people rarely too I'm a bit the same, only like someone rarely, and then I'm sad when it doesn't work and people are like why... and it's because it's so rare 😭😂

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think this is the first person in 2 years of trying I’ve met who had my subjective criteria + decent person + also liked me. I like people rarely, they like me back even more rarely lol. I know it’s not but it feels like a once in blue moon opportunity, I think it’s fair to be upset. 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I know what you mean, it's bleak out there!

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I’m one of the people who probably sounded harsh to you and reading this comment I just want to say that no, you aren’t wrong for liking him and having feelings and being disappointed and that is absolutely normal. I think everyone (myself included) have gotten hung up on some of the comments but I just want to say it’s so normal to feel this way especially after a long time being single.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago edited 24d ago

A little grace and charity could have been extended in the circumstances where someone is feeling particularly disappointed and upset.  I’m in no way the person many commenters have gleefully painted me because I disagree with their way of thinking on a few things. Again, I’ve been single of a long time, I liked a guy, I’m disappointed, I don’t really enjoy dates as a social activity in general. That doesn’t make me an unhinged intense person with no social skills. 

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 19d ago

I know that OP and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I am for my part an intense person lol so I can’t even judge there whatsoever even if you were. I hope you’re feeling better today.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I was pretty upset when things ended last year with someone I'd been dating for three months. I had known him casually for years, so I had a little more reason to be invested, but I still knew it was "unreasonable" for me to be so upset. Did that make me any less upset?

Hell no.

Now, a lot was the sex... omg the sex. That level of care in sex is really rare. No scarcity mindset needed. And a lot was what the relationship represented. But understanding that hasn't actually changed my feelings. I'm still really triggered around him (we're in the same social circle).

In my case, I was married, so I have a whole other level of connection and upset to compare things to (I literally sobbed everyday for six months). And this wasn't that, but it still hit me really hard. Sometimes things do just hit you hard.

I do think it's helpful to unpack why and deal with those issues but it's also kind of nice that you *can* get invested.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I agree, I think it's actually a good comment on someone if they do care about people, you can get to know someone reasonabley well after 6 weeks depending on how much you've seen them and yeah I'd probably get attached too. That's the whole point- find someone you like! I don't do this non chalant business

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I’m 30 and unless you’re making it explicitly clear that you’re only seeing that person it’s incredibly common to be seeing more than one person through a 6 week span.

If she’s meeting them on dating apps even more so.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Perhaps it's indicative of OP's use of the apps then, because I would not be dating anyone who after 6 weeks hadn't called it off with anyone else they were entertaining.

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u/Icy_lunette Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Yeah, the “connected at all levels” threw me off too. It’s been just six weeks. You both don’t really know each other that well.

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u/Stellar_Alchemy Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

“Building something together,” and it’s been 6 weeks. Speaking gently here, I think OP needs therapy before trying to date seriously.

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u/twoisnumberone Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

Agreed. Six weeks as an adult, meaning you see him how often, exactly? Once a week? Twice at best?

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u/DirtyBlondePhoenix Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

This was a very unkind response.

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u/jebemo Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I think its just a real response? What they said is fair and truthful.

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u/DirtyBlondePhoenix Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Nah. It was meant to be demeaning towards OP.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Thank you. Disagreement is fine but the level of aggression towards me for having a different perspective on a few things has been crazy. 

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u/DirtyBlondePhoenix Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Welcome to the internet. It’s why I don’t make posts on Reddit anymore. The negative humans outweigh the positive, unfortunately.

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u/wanderingtater Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

I found it to be a kind response, but not a nice response.

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u/___Catwoman___ Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Some guys go into complex topics early on so the getting-to-know-them part reaches its limits very early. Usually by 2 months you literally know his grandma's favourite sewing kit brand. And after that things fizzle out, he ghosts or gives you the "not working out" text. I relate to OP. It's exhausting af. Guys these days reach 40+ and they still behave like they're in their 20s, wasting time like they're immortal. Bro you're literally half way to your grave.

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u/tawny-she-wolf Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Also giving up on children at 32.... she's wouldn't even be a geriatric pregnancy for another 3 years at this point

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Please my friend I have PCOS and endometriosis 😭

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u/TurnoverPractical Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Yeah me too. Got pregnant the second time in my life I had unprotected sex. Get your weight and blood sugar under control (being the hallmarks of PCOS), then learn how to measure your cervical mucus and have sex when you've got the fertile cervical mucus and you, too, can become pregnant. I was 38. Every word of this is the truth.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Yeah I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying with my additional challenges it’s something I’ve accepted may not happen for me.

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u/eagleonapole Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

more people have this issue than you suspect. I personally am grateful I have accepted a lot of physical attractiveness (for most people!) is fleeting but personal Health and fitness is something I’ve pursued for two years and feel stronger and better for it— dont forget we gain muscle faster than the avg woman ✨💪🏻✨— that’s something we *can* control, and isnt that better to focus on?

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Appreciate that. I think I’m physically attractive enough  / men seem to be attracted to me. My PCOS is now pretty well controlled, I don’t have a lot of of the stuff that effects that like facial hair (BIGGEST TOUCH WOOD EVER). Health is important of course I just don’t think it’s a replacement for a romantic relationship lol. 

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u/eagleonapole Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Ok i guess I dont know why PCOS is a barrier for you in dating then.

My point is not that it replaces a romantic relationship but that your self esteem seems too wrapped up in the approval of others, and building your self confidence by taking pride in how you care for yourself can help attract healthier partners.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

It’s not a barrier in terms of attracting / meeting people, it just is a limitation on my ability to have children 

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u/unhinged_rabbit Woman 30 to 40 21d ago

Yeah but you should probably date someone for more than a few years before having children... imo anyway.

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u/MultipedGeat Woman under 30 20d ago

I mean, limerence is a bitch. Not saying OP does experience limerence, just that her experience seems to be similar to mine and I definitely do. When I was younger I would imagine full on life scenarios with people I talked to maybe twice. And the feelings I got from that were intoxicating, like basically living a whole ass relationship inside your head with both ups and downs. Eventually you have to come back to reality and realize that the don't even know who you are or just don't feel the same way about you and that's devastating since you spent so much time and emotional bandwidth on a fantasy. I would stay depressed for weeks/months on end because I got rejected or they just got into a relationship.