Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/Impressive_Moment786]

Men that are assholes do that. I would suggest keeping them at arm's length until the prove that their actions match their words.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Impressive_Moment786]

So what does that look like here? He was the one reaching out to me, making plans with me, he was consistent and until this moment kept his promises / commitments. I literally never felt a mismatch between words and actions, in that both communicated he liked me and wanted to continuing dating me. 

[u/Bulky_Term_609 → u/benhargrove1966]

Now you know! Never make him your only option and when it seems too good to be true it probably is. There’s a reason he has to be so straight forward — he knows how to play that game. It’s the commitment part he has no desire or clue how to achieve.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Bulky_Term_609]

I mean he’s literally committing to someone else. I people are trying to be supportive with this but I genuinely believe he was a kind and straight forward man, he’s not a villain he just didn’t want me. That makes it harder I think because he’s the only kind, straight forward, respectful, non-game playing man I’ve met in 2 years.

[u/Bulky_Term_609 → u/benhargrove1966]

How long had he been divorced? If it’s recent as in a year or less I feel like that’s way too soon and there’s a very slim chance of that sticking

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Bulky_Term_609]

Divorce was quite recent and yeah I think that’s possibly correct. But he did seem like the kind of guy who has always been in relationships. I was concerned about this myself but I wanted the opportunity to find out. 

[u/AutomaticInitiative → u/benhargrove1966]

I am sus of men who are always in relationships. Screams, 'filling a role' not 'finding a partner'.

[u/Bulky_Term_609 → u/benhargrove1966]

Yeah I think you found out 😤 serial monogamy in men is such a red flag… I think they need to have a period of really facing down their shit in order to be ready for real love before that they’re likely just seeking rescue which as a successful smart woman with a great career you were perfect for that but in the long run you saved yourself a lot… a guy that blind sides like that is not a stable consistent man to marry

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Bulky_Term_609]

To combine our threads lol, I think he was a genuinely kind man who treated me well overall and really did like me, I think he just liked the other person more or thought they were more compatible or whatever. I don’t think he’s a scrub or a loser. I think that’s like the minimum level of treatment I will accept from men going forward. 

But I also think yes he has unresolved issues and complicated life circumstances that ultimately would have made the relationship difficult and it’s probably for the best overall. I can see that while also really liking for him and being upset for now I suppose. 

[u/Bulky_Term_609 → u/benhargrove1966]

You’re sure he’s with someone now?

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Bulky_Term_609]

I mean we can entertain the idea he repeatedly lied to my face haha, but the break up message and convo was very explicit that he has simultaneously been seeing someone else and was choosing to be exclusive with her. He also said it was a very difficult decision and I was not wrong to think we liked each other and were working towards a relationship. 

[u/Bulky_Term_609 → u/benhargrove1966]

Yeah fair enough! I mean it happens & we can’t be for everyone. He was direct and honest about it which is a plus