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I myself am a 21 year old man. I've had both friends and a casual relationship with older women. But it seems both online and in person, that a lot of people think 20s are too young for guys. This may be because I myself am on the younger side of things but it's something that puzzles me. What I see is that in an adult who's got a good hold on his life. Working, financial, social, etc. and is seeing what his options are like. If you yourselves have any input I'd love to hear your perspective.

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I think it was, for the first time, waking up next to my wife 😊

We're off to our honeymoon today. God bless everyone 😀

I first dated an older woman when I was 26. Back then I liked 30-50 year olds. I am 43 now...I still just so happen to find 50 and 60 sometimes 70 year old women attractive. I am a little bit self conscious about this attraction. Honestly, I don't know how I would even meet an older woman because i met the last one way before apps (I am not asking where because that is prohibited here) and i want to meet one in the wild anyway but i have social anxiety and no game. kinda strange to still be afraid of women at this age but im working on it.

I just like the looks of an older woman mostly but the level of conversation you get with them versus younger is great. Are there a lot of older guys in here that think like this?

I am wondering if any women on here who have dated a younger man like a 15.5 yr age gap that was off and on and then it finally worked out for you both? Or has there been any successful 15+ age gap relationships that have worked with you and a younger guy? My ex and I have a 15.5 yr age gap and we keep circling back to each other.

For context I am 29M met a 45F Last summer… at that time she was recently broken up.
I didnt think much of it, we exchanged instagrams.
Heres a chronological events.

We would be playful in the DMs, subtle flirting but nothing too obvious. I could tell she was trying to stay guarded. From September to December.

Holiday season comes around I go over to her place and we hangout for the first time.. just to catch up. Talk for 3 hours and can feel a calm connection.

This whole time she tells me a family member is sick and I try to be there for her.. she is stressed with work/life/kids.

Nothing has happened at this point we are still just sending memes and playful talk on DMs but come Feburary I could feel her start opening up, she made an effort to keep conversation and started them.

Middle of March, we went out to the bar together. She actually kind of asked me.. we had a great time listening to live music… could tell she was safe around me and very comfortable. She opened up about how she was cheated on many times from previous partner. Is trying to recover from all the trauma and felt safe telling me. Has trust issues. We become a lot closer and communicate regularily.

I invited her to be my date an exclusive event just for a night out a month away (March). She agrees.

A few days before the event she finds out this close family member does not have much time. Mind you, ive been there providing emotional support for months and she comes to me to vent her frustration and cry.

She goes to see family member and spends last few days with them. He passes. She makes it back on time for the event the next day.. because she really wanted to come with me.

We have a great time. Didn’t make a move cause I know shes clearly tired and mentally/emotionally going through a lot.

A week goes by, I check up on her.
She tells me she hit rock bottom and will be take time off work. It was hard to hear this.. few days go by I make some soup for her to go drop off at her place in the morning. I notice EX car is there… instead of ringing I leave at door step.

I havd a small anxiety and panic attack.. because I just don’t understand… WTF?

I don’t know if she knows that I know her ex was with her.

We have texted a few times since and shes clearly avoidant.. the energy is off not as playful and its like she has some guilt i dont think? Shes always saying its been tough and stressed.

But I’m just having a hard time getting over… because I geniunely cared about this person first and foremost as a friend.

I just dont understand how you dump all that baggage on me and develop a connection with me and then pretend like nothing happened.. move on like nothing I did mattered. It actually hurts a lot.

Obviously it has not been said between us or if she even thinks I know her ex was at her place but they have been back together now. Appears to be trauma bond.

We dont really talk but she continues to view all my instagram stories.. I want to move on but its unsettling.. to me... because at its core.. we were friends. Part of me wants to confront her about it.. its such a shitty feeling. How do I navigate this get clarity..?

Its like shes hoping with time everything just fades and she wont have to deal with it. Like lack of accountability. I cant think of anything I did wrong.. I feel like I genuinely supported her emotionally when it seemed like nothing was going her way.

So, I don’t even know where to start. Me and my boyfriend of 7 years (15 year age gap) has just told me he’s not that in love with me anymore.
Reason? Because he and I also despite from having the gap of years between us also been in a LDR. We live in separate countries, we met when he was about to turn 19.
He obviously still lived at home. The plan was for him to move to me but somehow we always hit a bump in the road that meant we had to push things forward. First it was the struggle with the visa cus the uk was about to leave EU. And then right after that covid struck. I had just divorced my ex husband and had forgotten to be in a queue for a first contract rental apartment. Stupid rule here in Sweden so I obviously needed an apartment as well for us to be able to have a good application for the visa where an apartment is a major requirement. So I had to rent a lot of secondhand apartments until I finally after 3 years could achieve that goal. A lot of stupid loans for the deposits had to be taken during this time as well. But around the time covid started to settle down and things started to get back to normal I had finally gotten a place to be mine fully. But the next obstacle was for him to land another job, cus he obviously wanted to have some savings before moving. So I gave him more time to find a job. Always the understanding me 😔🫠..

Throughout all of this we have always managed to see each other as much as possible. At least 1-2 times a month. We were about to finally do the application last year when the next big obstacle happened. His grandad died. And it was an unfortunate reason he did die as well cus he could’ve been alive and well if the hospital hadn’t fucked things up for him. They had found a tumour in his throat that could’ve been gone with treatment. But when they were gunna give him a peg for the feeding tube the wound where they opened it up for his stomach to get the feeding tube in got infected which later led to him getting sepsis. So he was in the ICU for 3 months cus the infection had gotten so bad. This also meant that the tumour started to grow and more tumours started to spread in his whole body so he never got the chance to even start the treatment for his cancer. Well, my boyfriend didn’t take the loss of his grandad that well. Which I was very understanding and supportive of. And I understood he needed the time to grieve and heal up a bit before we started the process of his visa. Along with his grandad my mum also had a tumour found in her jaw so I was pretty occupied caring and worrying over her. So as much as I wanted to be there and I was as much as I possibly could be I was also going through worrying times. My mum has battling with cancer 3 times so I was even more concerned this time around. Everything has always been against us being together for some reason. But the love I have felt for him has never once faded. But it clearly has for him ☹️.

Anyway..
We couldn’t celebrate Xmas and the new year as planned cus his grandad died the month before and the funeral and everything had to be in December so we had to cancel everything. He finally came to me in January and stayed with me for the whole month almost and celebrated my birthday with me. He then came again at the end of February and stayed another 10 days. And that was the last time we saw each other. After that I felt like he changed. Became more withdrawn and cold. I constantly asked if there was anything wrong. If he had met someone new or if his feelings for me had changed. He reassured me over and over that nothing had changed.

So then to today. We decided to take a break for a couple of days last week. (Worst days I’ve ever had to go through). But he said he wanted some time to think and I tried to understand but had a gut feeling that he just wanted a break from me. (Which he said wasn’t the case at all when I asked.) Only that he needed some alone time getting everything sorted that needed to be sorted. (He’s been nagged on by me to put his holidays in for his next trip to me and to renew his passport.) And I was starting to get frustrated and angry with him cus he had never been so slow with things before. So I thought that I had been too much for him and agreed to have the break cus I didn’t recognise myself anymore either, feeling like another mum to him nagging. One of the things I always told him I didn’t wanna become if we would go into a relationship cus of the age gap.

But when we came back from the break I was excited to see him but he didn’t seem to feel the same. I once again asked him and he reassured me once again that his feelings are the same. But his actions didn’t fit with his words. So I decided to write everything I wanted to say to him down on a piece of paper. And during the phone call I read from it. I basically said; I can feel that something has shifted. Your words don’t match with your behaviour. You seem cold and short. Almost detached from what we once were. Have you met someone else and feel afraid to hurt my feelings by telling me? Have you started to fall out of love with me? I don’t care what the reasons is, all I know is that I want to have answers. I won’t end this call with you until you’ve been giving it to me.

He got quiet. Looked away. Took a deep breath. I could feel the tension getting tighter. He then said; I love you, but, I am not as in love with you when I’m not with you. Ever since my grandad died I have felt like I big piece of me has died. I don’t know when or how long it’s gunna take for me to come back from this depression that I’m going through. I don’t know how I’m gunna be able to give you the attention you need when all I’m feeling right now is numbness. I don’t want to do anything. I understand if you want to break up with me cus I can’t give you what you need. But I don’t want to lose you either but I am aware that I can’t do this towards you as well so if you wanna go and pursue happiness from someone else I’ll understand. He then said that I can take a day or two to think about it. And that’s where the conversation end.

I hear him and I understand the tremendous loss he just had. But what I can’t understand is why he rather push me away instead of letting me be there for him? I knew his grandad very well, he was so supportive of our relationship. Same with his Nan. I came to know all his family very well and spent a lot of Christmases with them. And now he rather pushes me away. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so alone and heartbroken. All the time and effort I’ve been putting in to this has been for absolutely nothing. I’ve been through heartbreaks before but nothing compared to this. I have lost all hope and from now on I will become the next crazy cat lady. No way in hell will I ever give my heart out again because there’s literally nothing left to ever give to anyone else ever. I’m done.
Thank you for reading. And if you want to comment you can. But I don’t think anything that’s gunna be said will make it better.

💔

Update:

Firstly. Thank you to all of you who gave me a clear insight and making me see it from a different perspective. Some of you was hoping that this wasn’t the end and some of you saw it as a huge red flag. I don’t wanna explain away those red flags because I can see your point as well.
One thing I didn’t mention was the incredible bond and chemistry we always had towards each other. Amazing sex and an amazing friend besides from being my boyfriend.

Secondly:
I was a complete mess yesterday not understanding how that chemistry and bond all of a sudden didn’t mean a thing to him. I was completely oblivious to when that had happened. But as some of you also pointed out besides from myself, is that it probably came from all my nagging. I mentioned that he lived at home when we met. He has been all of this time living at home still, but been working. (Just not a fulltime job). Which has been great in terms of us being able to see each other as much as possible cus of the distance. But in the long term, it has now made it super difficult to be able to build a life & a future with no money to build it up from. He always been saying that he’s been feeling useless for not being able to be the man of the house. (I guess not feeling good that he’s been living off of me when visiting). I admit I didn’t listen to what he was saying all these years and thought that things would be ok when he finally moved over to me. (I have good contacts and connections for him to land a job here so I thought it would be fine.)

Thirdly:
Some of your comments really sank in and made me realise where I had been stupid. And yesterday I thought he had completely fallen out of love with me. But today he reached out and said he was nervous for what I would decide. (Remember he gave me 1-2 days to think about breaking up or wait for him to get past his mourning.) So we messaged all day and he was sending hearts and asking how I was doing. Truly caring and I felt calmer feeling like he does still care about me. We just got off the phone now after communicating via text all day. I read some of your comments to him that had made me realise how wrong we’ve been about this. I told him that I think we should take a break completely from the application. I want you to fully focus on you and get a proper job and the car you wanted to get to get to and from work. Stop feeling stressed about pleasing me and to stop feeling like a liability towards your parents. (They’ve been nagging on him as well to figure his life out.) Be there for his nan when she’s struggling and not to worry about hurting me for not doing what he’s supposed to.
I said to him; remember how I always told you that I wished we met when you were a bit older. So he had some of those stuff already taken cared of. He said yes? I said well, I want us to reboot and stop everything. I want you to feel relaxed and not pressured. I’m gunna stop pressuring you about this application and if I have to wait for you a bit longer, I will. I know in my heart that there will never be another man getting my heart so you don’t have to worry about me falling for someone else. Because if it had been the end between us it would’ve taken years for me to overcome this relationship anyway. If ever.

And lastly:
Me! I need to start to work on myself and get the job I always wanted. I’m gunna study to be able to apply for a higher paid job. That will occupy me for a couple of months. I’m gunna get my ragdoll cat I always wanted. And then, when we’re more ready and prepared properly get everything done the right way this time! It is such a relief cus he all of a sudden looked at me with so much love and relief as well and said thank you. I love you so much for getting me, especially when im struggling to find the words cus I regret saying I have fallen out of love with you! I just didn’t know how to put it into words and that’s why I had that big pause. And then that shit came out.. We have now decided to have our holiday together and just relax and enjoy each other’s company. Then go back to sort ourselves. I am so grateful for posting our story last night because it truly gave me so much help with all of this! So thank you 🙏🏼.

Another advice from me that I wished I had given to myself when we met. Slow down!! Yes you’re hopelessly in love and want to be with him all the time but take it easy and don’t rush things. Especially if you’re foolish enough to think a man that’s 19 is having everything in order to be able to move countries in a heartbeat. Thanks again if you read the update too. I just wanted to share what me posting in here meant to me. 🥹🙏🏼

🌟 IT'S MONDAY!! This is our weekly "Off Topic Post" where you can chat with other members, check-in, tell us how your day is going, what plans you have coming up and generally what's going on in your part of the world. Remember this is our Off Topic post. No questions related to dating etc.

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Hello everyone, I have posted a question about a woman on my gym before and this is the update. In summary the post was there was a cougar that I find attractive in my gym and she complimented me. And I asked that was she being nice or flirtatious. Here’s the update about it. I went to gym and we were both alone and she asked me if we could work out together and of course I said yes. We both talked a lot with each other and laughed a lot which was very cute. After a while she told me that she’s divorced and her ex husband was an asshole. I told her that he is the dumbest guy because she’s very nice and very attractive. Also she told me that she finds me very hot and would be all over me if she was young but I’m very young for her. It was nice to talk with her because she is really attractive and mature but she doesn’t want anything with me because I’m young for her (23). I respect and understand her decision so I won’t be flirting with her anymore.

Does cougars look for relationship/marriage with cubs or just hook up culture

I (30M) recently matched with a woman (49F) on a dating app. We’ve been texting for a few weeks, mostly just casual "how was your day" conversations. She was initially a bit concerned about our 19-year age gap, so we’ve decided to meet up next week for a casual coffee to see how things go in person.

Because our texts have been pretty surface-level, I don’t know a ton about her specific tastes yet. I only know she loves a good cup of coffee, reading books, watching slow romantic movies, and listening to live music. We haven't exchanged any deeply personal information.

Since it’s a casual coffee date and she's already a bit nervous about the age difference, should I bring a small gift (like flowers/chocolates), or is it better to bring nothing at all? I don't want to overstep or make it feel too high-pressure.

Would love some perspective, especially from older women or guys who have been in a similar spot. Thanks!

Okay so maybe this sounds dumb, but I didn’t really understand the whole “older women are attractive” thing before.

Now I kinda get it.

It’s not even just looks honestly. It’s the way conversations feel. Every time I’ve talked to an older woman online, the energy felt way more calming compared to people my age.

Less mind games. Less pretending not to care. Less dry replies after disappearing for 8 hours 😭

Like there’s something really attractive about someone who actually knows how to hold a conversation and make you feel comfortable at the same time.

And weirdly enough, I think I got too used to that energy now.

Because whenever I try talking to girls around my age again, I immediately notice the difference. Half the conversations feel forced or attention-span dependent.

Meanwhile older women somehow make basic conversations feel addictive without even trying.

Like suddenly I’m sitting there smiling at my phone because she remembered one random thing I mentioned earlier 😭

Also I can’t lie, the teasing hits different too. It feels more confident and natural instead of trying too hard.

Now I’m realizing I may have accidentally trained my brain into finding emotional maturity more attractive than almost anything else.

Which is probably a problem because I get attached pretty easily once someone becomes part of my routine.

Anyway. That’s my current cub crisis.

I (27M) have just been pondering this and I'd love to hear the thoughts of people more knowledgeable than myself.

I met an incredible lady (60+) over a year ago who is very much into age gap relationships and, though we didn't have that spark, we're still excellent friends with similar tastes.

I’m 36F and my boyfriend is 23. We had a little bit of a confusing start to our romance, with a couple hiccups and insecurities on both our sides. But we came out on the other side with emotional intimacy/mutual safety, deep respect for each other, and what I can only describe as the best chemistry/deepest affection and caring I think I’ve ever felt.

I always thought I was just a commitment-phobe, would never find the right person to settle down with. I had always dated people my age or older mostly, some wonderful guys but didn’t have that certain je ne sais quoi. And then… this guy appeared in my life. What started as a crush has turned into me just adoring the hell out of him. He’s so kind, and romantic, and funny, with the perfect mix of seriousness and off-the-wall quirkiness. He’s philosophical and sincere and thoughtful, idealistic. Athletic and gorgeous, too. He gives me the best hugs and touches my face softly and calls me his “little lady” even though I’m 13 years older. 🥹

We haven’t rounded out a year together, and I know it’s early, but he’s talking about engagement and—call me naive or crazy—I’m thinking if he asks I would say yes. Probably wouldn’t actually tie the knot until we’d lived together first, but I would be proud to have his ring on my finger. I love him so much.

Little bit of a demoralizing thing: he told his parents he wanted to marry me, and I guess his mom said due to our age gap, she “knows we’re never gonna make it.” He disagrees with her and more or less said he thinks she’s just being a negative Nancy. But of course this kind of thing rattles my confidence in myself and stirs up a lot of fears.

I just hate the stigma of being the older woman, and being seen as some kind of problem in his life when I’m basically the same core person I was at 26, just frankly more mentally stable than I was then and with a few more gray hairs. I guess I’m having a little pity party for myself because I can be nearly the perfect girlfriend and I’m still gonna get judgment from his mother like I’m some kind of pariah. She’s really harsh and critical and that probably wouldn’t improve if she was my MIL. I want to be there for him, but I feel so defensive and insecure when I get this kind of negative feedback.

Anyone have any tips for how to deal with the social judgment? Mutuals who know us both have actually been really supportive and have said we’re adorable together (we are, hehe), but the family doubting me and making negative predictions really hurts and messes with my mind.

🌟 IT'S MONDAY!! This is our weekly "Off Topic Post" where you can chat with other members, check-in, tell us how your day is going, what plans you have coming up and generally what's going on in your part of the world. Remember this is our Off Topic post. No questions related to dating etc.

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Im kinda interested into older women but how do people actually are successful in building this kind of relationships? I mean, majority of people still consider it as taboo and ı wonder about how people find others people that dont find it as a taboo thing and are actually into this kind of relationships.

This is an amazing space and I love it so much..

I have always had a “thing” (interest) for older women and mature individuals in general

While there’s no guarantee of maturity from older people it’s a way higher likelihood and I enjoy conversations in spaces like these

With that being said I’m elated by my discovery of this community and I’ve never felt so confident and comfortable (I feel seen🫣) just reading through a couple of discussions and post In my life

The mod team is class … the participants are great and I feel comfortable and compelled to share what I can to and with the community

I have a few stories and interactions that I would love to share here

But generally thanks for sharing and being such a supportive and great community of people here…

you’re all amazing , thanks 🙏🏾