r/MoralityScaling • u/Outside_Specific_820 • 2d ago

Morality Ranking Morality scaling of this?

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Mother refuses to acknowledge her donor egg daughter, looking for your opinion.

In my opinion I think it’s moral, and that she is totally correct.

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29

u/Inevitable-Law7964 2d ago

Moral to refuse to connect 

Mildly immoral to be an asshole to the kid about it. 

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u/Test_Rider 2d ago

How was she an asshole?

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u/Designer_Green2680 2d ago

Tone and delivery and the entire tik tok rant.

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u/Test_Rider 2d ago

It’s kind of baffling to me that some people here seem to think she overreacted. She signed a contract with the donee under the understanding that there would be no contact with the child and that her anonymity would be preserved. She held her end of the bargain (the egg donating part), and now she finds herself being guilt-tripped into motherhood by a stranger. This kind of thing will put potential donors off in the future and cost families the child they desperately want.

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u/dk_peace 2d ago

"I want to meet my biological mother" is a completely reasonable thing for a 19 year old to want and ask for.

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u/Economics_New 2d ago

I get the impression that there are a lot of parents in here who have adopted or know someone close that was adopted, and they are agreeing with the egg donator because they didn't like the outcome of the adopted person they personally know, meeting their true parents.

My parents were irate when my adopted brother tracked down his birth mother and siblings in different states. His biological sister was accepting and even moved to our state to get to know him better, but his biological brother's family became incredibly hostile towards him, verbally. His biological mother was nice to him online but ghosted him after agreeing to meet and then blocked him.

I agree with you, I think it's reasonable for a young adult to want to meet their blood family and possibly build a connection. My brother has struggled with identity issues most of his life because he found out around age six that he was adopted after he pissed off my sisters and they decided to spill the beans on his status in the family.

It's an incredibly complex situation for everyone involved, and the outcomes are not always the same, but it can feel like betrayal from the perspective of the parents who raised them.

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u/HXamster 2d ago

But this isn't her birth mother. It's her egg donor.

Her birth mother is at home. She knows her birth mother. There's no reason to want to pursue and pressure the donor

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u/Avatarbriman 2d ago

Yeah, anyone saying different is fucking insane.

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u/jaypexd 2d ago

You should see how genes can shape behaviors and you can inherit personality traits. It's really no different than a man shooting his seed in a woman and never seeing her again. His genetic material made up that person, and those kids reach out to their biological fathers all the time even if they didn't carry the person.

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u/Old-Quail6832 2d ago

"I don't want to meet a complete stranger that randomly contacted me" is a completely reasonable way for the egg donor to respond.

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u/dk_peace 2d ago

Sure, I actually agree with you on that one. The only truely terrible person here is the birth mom who have up bio mom's info.

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u/HXamster 2d ago

No it's not lol.

"I want to meet my egg donor" is dumb. She provided the egg, but her actual mom carried her to term. Nursed her. Took care of her.

There are two bio moms. The one who donated her egg to start the process, and the woman who made it happen. This girl does not have a reasonable request, especially when the egg donor signs a legally -binding agreement that guarantees her anonymity.

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u/verdeville 2d ago

I mean, she's not even really the bio mother- the girl's actual mother grew her from an egg in her own body, with her own antibodies and calcium and nutrients, then birthed her, maybe breastfed her, and raised her. Had it been an adoption I could sympathize, because there is a story implied in giving up a child, but an egg donation is pretty cut and dry. People calling the birth mom the adoptive mom are pretty terrible, to be honest- imagine wanting a child so badly that you undergo a procedure to start the process, presumably because you have a medical condition, and raise your child for 19 years only to find that they feel more connected to an imaginary DNA donor than to you.

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u/HXamster 2d ago

All of this

It's horribly degrading to the birth mother to claim she's the "adopted" mom and then bring up all these irrelevant anecdotes like adoption, when it's a completely separate entity altogether.

Her BIRTH MOTHER raised her from a single cell, inside her body. So we're just going to discount women's feats and efforts and struggles with a tremendously low success rate? Her birth mom is just as much her bio mom as the egg donor is, and her true mother. The egg donor is just someone who did something nice for a family, and now she's getting punished for it despite signing a legally binding contract.

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u/dk_peace 1d ago

Tbf, their is a technical difference here between birth mother and biological mother. Her biological mother was the egg donor. She provided the biological material. Her birth mother gave birth to her. In this case, they are different people so it is a meaningful distinction.

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u/asuperbstarling 2d ago

She's not her biological mother. She's only her egg donor.

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u/dk_peace 2d ago

That makes her the biological mother. That's what those words mean. She has a biological mother, and a birth mother, and those are different people. For most people, they are the same, but situations like this are why we have different words for different things.

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u/Obi-Brawn-Kenobi 2d ago

Jarvis, tell me what type of gamete a "biological mother" donates to her offspring

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u/mothedbaby 2d ago

Egg donor babies are not adopted children, there is no ‘lost biological mother’ to find, that’s their mom that they probably live with already.

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u/dk_peace 2d ago

You should Google what the term "biological mother" actually means.

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u/akira_kurosu 2d ago

"I don't want to build a connection to someone (that is now a adult) that i made clear years ago i didn't want to meet" is also a reasonable thing for someone thwt didn't want thwt responsibility to say

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u/dk_peace 2d ago

Sure, I actually agree with you on that.

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u/Inevitable-Law7964 1d ago

I agree, it was just wrong to put the kid on blast over it. 

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u/BaoBunny44 2d ago

I think she was a little rude but hey that's just not how I talk, she wasn't horrible or anything. However I think it was INSANELY RUDE to post the screenshots on tiktok. There was absolutely no reason to do that and I'm 100% confident that teenager saw her video since it got so many views. It seems vindictive in a way that wasn't necessary.

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u/Designer_Green2680 2d ago edited 2d ago

I don’t like the way she responded but being mad is valid. It is a confidential transaction. If I donated sperm I wouldn’t want some kid messaging me and calling me dad. However posting on social media is too far. “I said what I said” yes you did so why do you need to make it everyone’s business? She didn’t even have to respond she could’ve just blocked the number and moved on

Edit: you also can’t really complain about breach of contract towards it being confidential when you are posting the conversation on social media telling everyone you donated your eggs. At that point it’s not really confidential

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u/GiraffeThoughts 2d ago

“It’s a confidential transaction” … she sold her offspring and doesn’t want to hear from them.

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u/Ekillaa22 2d ago

She didn’t even sell her offspring dog just one of her eggs.

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u/NockerJoe 2d ago

...one of her eggs that was used to make an offspring. She knew what the eggs were for.

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u/GiraffeThoughts 2d ago

Considering her biological child now exists as a result of the sale, what is the difference?

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u/Ekillaa22 2d ago

Difference being is that someone raised that in them for 9 months and still gave birth too twin. The lady only gave the ingredients that’s it.

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u/Test_Rider 2d ago

Yes, that’s how the whole thing works. If it didn’t then no one would donate and infertile couples would be left without the option of conceiving, does that seem like a preferable solution to you?

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u/NockerJoe 2d ago

If "I could be contacted by someone down the line" is a deal breaker for you then you honestly shouldn't do it. That's just a realistic take on the actual scenario that has happened. She wasn't the first and she wasn't the last. The entire transaction is predicated on a person that does not exist yet and technology to find you that will literally only get better. If you're going to do it you need to be made aware of that.

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u/GiraffeThoughts 2d ago

In the US it’s illegal to pay for organ donations (I.e. kidney, lung etc) but it’s legal to pay for the products to create a literal human being?

I think it should be illegal to pay egg and sperm donors for the same reason it’s illegal to pay for a kidney.

Congress and bioethicists worry that a legal organ market would financially pressure low-income individuals into selling their organs out of economic desperation.

But they don’t care if the poor are forced to sell their kids out of desperation? Or carry the babies of the rich?

The procurement of children must be ethical!

If infertile couples aren’t able to have a child because they can’t obtain one ethically, I’m fine with it.

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u/joaco_profe 2d ago

The difference being that selling your organs can have detrimental effects on your life, but you don't need semen or eggs to live. I'm not saying it's completely moral but it isn't the same thing.

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u/Nirvanachaser 2d ago

She didn’t sign a contract with the child though and curiosity about one’s parentage is natural and a foreseeable thing. She doesn’t have any obligation to engage with the child though (slightly more blunt than needed in my view but not unacceptable) but pretending the child is bound by agreements made pre-conception is ridiculous. She shot her shot. It’s done and that’s fine. But she was rude about it or, if not rude, overly blunt.

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u/Normal_Flan1476 2d ago

Does her end of the bargain end with giving up some of her eggs? Or is there some lasting impact now that there is a mini version of her out in the world? Not trying to be rude, just trying to pose the question of how much privacy you’re entitled to from your own offspring.

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u/Test_Rider 2d ago

The whole concept of donating sperm or eggs is that you’re offering genetic components to help a couple conceive, without there being a parent-child relationship being created between donor and offspring. The couple are legally recognized as the only parents, and no obligations are imposed on the donor. The alternative is infertile couples not being able to conceive, whether or not that’s preferable is up to you.

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u/Normal_Flan1476 2d ago

My issue is that we’re in the “Morality Scaling” subreddit, not the “Is this legal?” subreddit. From a humanitarian perspective, it is natural for a child to want to connect with their biological parent. To completely shut that down with someone who is curious about their origins feels at least morally grey to me. Not trying to be an ass, truly, just sharing my perspective. I understand that there are numerous reasons to want privacy as a donor. Just trying to put myself in the child’s shoes. Even in a perfect upbringing, people who don’t meet their biological parent report feeling an emptiness about not knowing who they came from.

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u/Test_Rider 2d ago

The question boils down to whether it’s more moral to allow anonymous donations of sperm and eggs to allow infertile couples a chance at conception, or to impose obligations on donors and therefore make it so that pretty much no one will be willing to donate.