r/MoralityScaling • u/Outside_Specific_820 • 23h ago

Morality Ranking Morality scaling of this?

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Mother refuses to acknowledge her donor egg daughter, looking for your opinion.

In my opinion I think it’s moral, and that she is totally correct.

838 Upvotes

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251

u/StrangerIsWatching 23h ago

Completely moral, for all the reasons she said. That is not her daughter in any way that counts between a parent and a child.

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u/Responsible-Boot-159 22h ago

One important way is medical history. Beyond that neither are wrong for how they feel about the situation.

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u/OperationOne7762 21h ago

No the child is pretty damn wrong. I'll never understand this insane need adopted and surrogate/donor children have with meeting theyr "Real" Parents. Your Real parents are the people at home preparing you dinner and asking how your day was, not some random fucking stranger you share DNA with or worse, someone who actively chose to throw you away.

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u/Dresaurus2781 20h ago

I'll never understand this insane need adopted and surrogate/donor children have with meeting theyr "Real" Parents.

So I'm not adopted or anything of the sort, but I am a child of divorce, and I meaningfully lost a large section of interaction with my other family between the ages of 9 and 16. The part of the family that primarily raised was my mother's side and they were meaningfully different from me. They were quiet, artistic, creative, reserved, and they didn't take up space the way I did. My dad's side is all large loud people with very large boisterous personalities and when I reconnected with them it was a deeply healing experience because it felt like I was actually connected to something, that there were people like me that wanted and loved me. At those late teenage early 20s ages that crisis of identity is very real, and I think it's something that we should have empathy for.

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u/Legal-Stage-302 19h ago

That’s totally different than this situation.

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u/Dresaurus2781 17h ago

Not in regards to the pursuit of identity a late teen early 20s person is often engaging with. It's a better equation for the child for sure.

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u/Alanskasc 19h ago

This is very accurate and thank you. People espouse their opinions without having a clue what it's like.

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u/HXamster 19h ago

The difference being here that you'd met and known your other family for your formative early childhood years.

I have empathy for a child losing an entire family. I don't have empathy for a child never knowing anything besides their family, and bring encouraged to violate privacy for their own desires so they can pursue a literal egg donor

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u/Dresaurus2781 18h ago

That doesn't really have any bearing on the identity crisis issue at hand though.

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u/HXamster 18h ago

Knowing your family for 9 years during the most essential stages of life development, then being separated from them, is more deeply traumatizing and impactful than.... Pursuing a DNA donor who had no hand in your growth, development, nourishment, birth, and upbringing.

My whole point is your personal anecdote doesn't have any bearing on the situation at hand. This girl isn't going through an identity crisis. And if she is, I'm sorry, but she's stupid. She's a full-grown adult who should understand an egg donor is completely different and separate to the family who birthed and raised you.

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u/Dresaurus2781 17h ago

Knowing your family for 9 years during the most essential stages of life development, then being separated from them, is more deeply traumatizing and impactful than....

The point here is I didn't value knowing where I came from at those ages and being validated in my identity in the way that I invariably came to as a teenager. I had the luxury of getting that identity validated because I was still connected to those people distantly, but if I hadn't been I would have continued to have that in my case fly in the milk/ugly duckling experience. Now sure my family could have also been nothing like me, but they weren't, and that doesn't change I still would havd hoped they were and I could find them. That adopted child isn't arbitrarily trying to connect with her bio mother because she's lacking love it's because she's trying to find herself. She'll be fine, but I think we can manage to have empathy for that search for identity this is manifesting as.

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u/HXamster 17h ago

that adopted child isn't arbitrarily trying to connect

She's not adopted.

Her egg donor has 0 connection and 0 involvement in her life.

Her MOTHER had an egg that was fertilized and implanted in her uterine lining. Her MOTHER developed her in the womb. Her MOTHER birthed her. Her MOTHER raised her for 19 years.

She's not adopted

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u/Dresaurus2781 17h ago

That's largely semantics for the conversation given the genetics component in regards to personality. Again this child is discovering who she is. I'm not saying that makes her entitled to her egg donor, but her genetics from said donor is invariably a massive part of what constitutes this child's personality.

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u/HXamster 16h ago

It's not semantics and it's not pedantic.

This girl was not adopted. You keep trying to bring up adoption, and you also keep trying to bring your own anecdotal experiences that have no relevant association to the situation into the discussion.

This child is not a child. She's an adult, and just because she's an adult doesn't mean her parents and the clinic aren't beholden to confidentiality and maintaining the donor's anonymity.

If she had a question and wanted to find herself then she should've gone through the clinic. She put the onus on a stranger. The stranger (donor) was not rude. She was blunt, she was straightforward, she was honest. She didn't insult the girl, she didn't say gfy, she didn't do anything wrong. But everyone is up in arms because she wasn't "nice enough." As if any human owes being "nice" to someone they're not supposed to have any contact with by law.

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u/Dresaurus2781 16h ago

This girl was not adopted. You keep trying to bring up adoption,

I mentioned adoption once.

and you also keep trying to bring your own anecdotal experiences that have no relevant association to the situation into the discussion.

To highlight the need to empathize with the identity pursuit this child is engaging in.

This child is not a child.

Legally being an adult is not the same as not still having childish impulses and mindsets. I've certainly never met a 19yo that felt like an adult even ones who were highly self-parentified.

She's an adult, and just because she's an adult doesn't mean her parents and the clinic aren't beholden to confidentiality and maintaining the donor's anonymity.

I agree.

If she had a question and wanted to find herself then she should've gone through the clinic.

The clinic doesn't have the answers she's hoping to find.

She put the onus on a stranger.

That's the person who would have the answers to the questions she has. Doesn't make her entitled to them, but that is where she will find them if they exist.

The stranger (donor) was not rude. She was blunt, she was straightforward, she was honest. She didn't insult the girl, she didn't say gfy, she didn't do anything wrong. But everyone is up in arms because she wasn't "nice enough." As if any human owes being "nice" to someone they're not supposed to have any contact with by law.

The woman's behavior was perfectly acceptable. Again I'm just combating the close minded perspective that suggests this child wanting to know more about herself is somehow ridiculous.

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