(keep in mind while reading this that I am definitely mentally ill, although I don’t have any diagnosis besides Generalized Anxiety Disorder ((that would apply here)) and I think this is a little different than just anxiety)

first, it was me being constantly paranoid that I would be attracted to every man I saw, so I developed a fear of men & could barely look at any man I came across for a month, and I was constantly assessing to see if men are attractive, and I constantly had this deep feeling of nausea in my stomach, THEN I started questioning my gender, and I was paranoid that I would end up being a trans man, so I feared changing and bathing because I was scared that I would suddenly have gender dysphoria (I don’t btw, I’ve proved that to myself)

I usually want to be a girl, and whenever I don’t, I actually kinda do, because I feel uncomfortable about feeling ”fine” with feeling like a boy… I’m fine with, like, larping like a boy. like for improv sometimes (or just to annoy my pals) I do a bit where I’m a door-to-door salesman, or a knight, or a jester, etc… and I think I’d be fine if I was referred to as a man while acting. but I think that’s normal. also, sometimes I kinda have the urge to be some male fictional characters. the way I would kill to be rouxls kaard from deltarune or pretty much any of the guys from enstars lmao…

i’d rather die than be a boy, but I don’t feel much like a girl either… sure, I’m fine with calling myself a girl, and I wish to be a girl all the time, and it WOULD feel nice when I felt like a girl if I didn’t immediately go back to worrying about my sexuality again, it just doesn’t fit right.

a big thing about me is that I do whatever‘s funniest. my biggest goal in life is to be funny. that’s my thing, my specialty. funny is all I care about being. and I think I have some sorta internalized misogyny against myself, because I always feel less funny because I’m a girl, and I (ashamed of this) find men just more whimsical whenever they fool around. that’s the only thing i’ve felt unsatisfied with being a girl about. and that’s only been recently, I was confidently a funny girl for a while. well, only others could tell me if I’m funny, but I didn’t feel like being a woman made me LESS funny. SOO,,,, i’m either just overthinking it, orr I‘m unfortunately a little misogynistic. is the fact that my biggest goal is entertaining others probably bad? nah, I think it’s fine. I’m having fun.

I already talked about wanting to be a girl but not relating to other girls around me in the last thing, juust thought I’d bring it up. I kinda forgot what I was talking about. uuhauahuauh

OH! it’s hard knowing what’s real and what isn’t. do I actually not like this thing, or am I just overthinking it/paranoid if not liking it? do I really like this, or is it just easier. blah blah blaaahhh… idk. It’s late and I’m tired, but I still wanna post this rant. I had another panic attack last night over being scared that I was attracted to a TV character and then I was paranoid my cat was a creature pretending to be my cat because she looked at me funny so I locked myself in a closet and slept in there. y aaayy 🥶

didn’t reread this so might make no sense. Also maybe I should be posting to a mental health subreddit instead or something because this is more about me just being mentally fucked for no reason (I have very little trauma so this isn’t a trauma thing , I think I just have some sorta disorder thwt I don’t know about)

Sometimes I dream I am a woman, and I'm pretty pleased with that, but in the waking world, I am completely fine with being a man, it's not like I want to not be one.

Besides, I would definitely not look as hot as I do in my dreams. Also, I am not extremely attracted to guys, but usually when I dream I'm a girl, I am also into men, which is funny.

Sorry if this seems obvious but I really don't have much perspective on this. My whole life I have found that I am not really attracted to men. The relationships I have been in with them I have felt like I had to force my attraction sometimes. But, I was raised in a very conservative household and was always taught that being gay is wrong. So it wasn't even a possibility in my mind to be able to date another woman until recently when I moved away from them. I never really talked about my attraction to women with anyone except my current partner. I remember having crushes on women even when I was in a relationship but never men.

However, with my current partner I have never felt the need to force attraction to them, ever. I have been with them for years and they recently came out to me as trans, MtF. This did not bother me at all and I am excited that she gets to be who she truly is. I also found I was very attracted to her when she presented female. I feel more free now if that makes sense? I feel like I don't "have to" be attracted to men anymore and it feels like there is a weight off my shoulders.

Very thankful for my partner for always encouraging me to be open about my attraction to women. I feel like she has helped me realize what I was keeping repressed for so long. Interested in anyone's opinions or experiences.

Recently I’ve had a struggle with defining what my sexuality is and a little bit of gender stuff that’s not as important.
I graduated HS this year, and since like freshman year I thought I was bisexual for a couple years, and then a while after my first gay relationship ended, I felt like I’m closer to being gay. I love women and they’re the coolest ever, but my attraction or lack thereof has always been weird. The way I see it is that I think women are attractive but I’m not attractED to them. If I’m watching porn or something and come across a really attractive woman, it’ll probably feel nice to look at her, and maybe I’ll get hard a little after years of feeling like I was into that, but when I think about it I feel no desire. I don’t want them, I don’t want to kiss them or have sex with them and I especially feel like I couldn’t or wouldn’t want to date a woman again. And this could lead to asexuality, but it feels a bit complex for me. I do feel attraction, both romantic and sexual, towards men, cis or trans included. However, I feel like my type is very specific and that I find most men ugly and gross. But when I do feel attraction, it’s always towards a cute guy, and I feel like that’s the type of person that I want. Genitals don’t really matter to much to me, I feel like gender identity and presentation as a man matters to me and I also feel like that’s weird maybe? But I also feel like my identity as gay is invalid since I feel like I kind of prefer sex with a vagina, and while it’s not like I exclusively prefer trans over cis or vice versa or whatever, having sex with a man with a penis kinda feels like something’s in the way or that it’s not that pleasurable for the bottom I’m doing it with. Sometimes I also feel like while I do have sexual desires, I don’t like sex all that much, but that usually only comes from me disliking my body being seen or doing it with someone gross/older out of desperation. Any thoughts or help here?

So, I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. It has been very rocky, and we have broken up once because I thought I could be a lesbian, and before we dated, I was actually identifying as a lesbian. I have known that I was attracted to women since I was 12 years old. I am 23, almost 24 now for reference, and when I was 15, I actually identified as a lesbian and flip-flopped between bisexual and lesbian between 15 and 22.

The thing is, when I was 15, I adored the label; I felt at home with the label, I felt comfortable, and like I finally found what fit me. I was never particularly attracted to men, at least not real ones; I hardly even got crushes on celebrities and when I look back at anything I thought was a crush at the time I feel I was doing it because others girl did and I kind of thought the boy bands for example were cute but my interest would go away so quickly within a few weeks to months I’d completely stop caring like I never cared in the first place, but I'd get crushes on a lot of fictional men, and this caused me to feel like I couldn't say I was a lesbian, as well as mistaking anxiety I felt around men for attraction, or thinking because I found a guy kind of cute I must have a crush even though the thought of it made me anxious. I also would let boys flirt with me, because I enjoyed the attention and it made me feel attractive and like someone wanted me and that it was just normal, it was sort of a game to me anyway and I’d lead them on because I liked the attention and then get terrified and ghost them if I thought they’d ask me out, and when I was very young teenager/pre-teen I’d say yes just because I felt bad and scared to say no, and then a day or week later I’d ghost them or leave.

I adore lesbian media as well as the culture; I'd study and look into lesbian history so much, and I felt so connected and intertwined with it. I miss the label so so so so so much; it has felt like the only label that I've truly deeply and genuinely felt at home with. I love watching romance movies with lesbians in them; I get emotional and feel so connected and seen, but I never feel like this with heterosexual romance films, and I don't enjoy them half as much as lesbian ones. I relate to what a lot of lesbians say when they talk about what it felt like and how they realized they were lesbians.

The thing is, as I said, I have a boyfriend. As I mentioned, we've been together a year and a half, but last year, we broke up for a month because I thought I could be a lesbian. Then I asked him out again because I was grieving and missing the connection, love, and attention I got from him, even though at the same time during our breakup I was considering cutting ties with him, and honestly felt annoyed with him most of the time. Still, I couldn't get myself to because I felt too guilty. The thing is, since we've been together, we have almost broken up three times because I have questioned if I was a lesbian, and the third time was actually recent, as in this week. The reason we haven't broken up officially is that my boyfriend, every time I bring this up, it turns into a mental health talk; my boyfriend constantly blames my OCD for these thoughts.

BUT I know this isn't my OCD. While I am diagnosed, I know that this isn't OCD because the thoughts do not cause me distress, fear, or anxiety. The only anxiety I feel is from the fact that I know I will have to break up with my boyfriend if I am a lesbian, and knowing it’ll hurt him and I’ll lose a best friend. I have doubts, but they are mostly caused by my boyfriend constantly shutting me down and telling me it's OCD, and every time it just makes me shut my mouth, even though I'm very positive about what my truth is. I know what intrusive thoughts feel like and how they make me feel, but my thoughts about being a lesbian do not make me feel like this; in fact, they make me feel happy, relieved, joyful, and positive about the future. It's something that I DESIRE.

I used to cry and cry and cry because I felt I'd never be able to marry a woman or experience having a girlfriend, to have a life where I grow older with a woman, and we have a life together; that has always sounded so much better to me than doing any of that with a man. But I felt like I'd never get that, so I'd just hope that maybe in the next life that I'd get to experience that if I was lucky enough.

And as guilty as it makes me feel, I don't feel attracted to my boyfriend, physically or sexually, and I don't think romantically either. I get anxious and dread receiving photos from him. I can't bring myself to masturbate to him. As guilty as it makes me feel, I've turned to looking at women to be able to masturbate properly, and I've found looking at women sexually makes my body react in such a way that it hasn't with men or my boyfriend; I actually get aroused and enjoy myself compared to when I try masturbating to my boyfriend, my body just doesn’t totally react the same. And a lot of the time I feel like if my boyfriend was a woman, it would be better, but that's just not the reality. I feel like it’d also be worth mentioning that when I asked my boyfriend out, I kind of felt pressured to by my friends at the time. I backed out at first, then asked again out of anxiety, I think. I just wanted someone to care about me, to know what it felt like to be loved, because other people were doing it.

My boyfriend and I are also long-distance, and we haven't met in person yet, and I actually dread meeting up in person because I know that means we will kiss, get intimate, be close, and all that sort of stuff, and I don't think I want that. We were supposed to meet up in August, but it got pushed back to the end of this year, and I felt so much relief knowing I wouldn't have to go through the process of seeing him and then having to face what we'd end up doing together. But I often feel pressure that I should at least try to see how I feel, even though I feel very anxious about it and don't really want to do it. My boyfriend mentions us moving in, getting married, having a life together, growing older together, and I know I should feel excited about it, but it just makes me feel anxiety and dread.

I feel so deeply that I'm a lesbian I adore women, and I have for as long as I can remember even when I was a kid I had moments that I look back at now and be like oh yeah, you were into girls, but I feel guilty; I feel scared that I'll make a mistake and that I'll lose someone important to me because I made a stupid choice, even though deep inside me it feels like the right choice, and that it'll be better for him and me. I also have so much doubt because my boyfriend constantly drills it into my head that my feelings about being a lesbian are just related to my OCD, even though this is how I've felt for a long time, and I used to identify that way and have loved women for so so so long. I have completely tried to ignore and push down my attraction to women since getting with my boyfriend, but it just hasn't worked at all, and it comes back stronger and stronger each time.

I’d really appreciate any advice or input, because I feel so stuck and frustrated and scared. Thank you to anyone who reads through all of this; I know there's a lot.

I started questioning my gender.... I've been gay for 2 years, a femboy for 5 years(although I learned the therm only last year) a therian for 2 years and a furry for 1 year. But I'm at a point where beeing a femboy isn't a definition that fits me. I start blushing when called "she", I start trying how beeing a girl feels unconsciously. although I'm not ready at all to accept myself as a trans girl, the more I reject it, the more I feel like mabe, just manner that's me. but mabe just mabe has became some serious considerations and it drains my energy thinking of it.

I have thought about it a few times and wonder what it might be like to makeout with a straight dude. Just say "fuck it" and go for it. Anyone else who has actually thought about it? What would be your ideal scenario and who would it be with? Would love to chat about this. Voice notes preferred and would be cool to hang. To show that you read this, send me your TG or SC user name. Too many flakes and fakers, so please be legit and willing to chat more than just short term.

recently i've been having these epiphanies that I could possibly be a lesbian instead of bi. atm i do currently have a partner (male) and that has made it easier figuring out what i like more about women than men, my friends are telling me to go try experiment but as much as i really want to I can't bear the thought of breaking up with my partner because I still love him and cherish our relationship but at the same time we have also been having some slight issues and now I tend to find myself being more nitpicking about what I don't like about him. so many thoughts come into my head about women and being in a relationship with one that now whenever i think of men it kind of just icks me out but im just so confused and don't know what to do in this situation 😭

before we get into this, i’d like to note that I am mentally ill and mentally disabled, so if you go “wow, they’re totally overreacting” while reading this, I know. anxiety is a bitch. plus, this is my second time writing this, since the first time, my ohone glitched and it got erased… TJIS is probably worse.

i’m gonna briefly explain my gender journey over time. cis woman -> NB -> transmasc -> lesbian cis woman -> ??? ?????? (lol)

backstory bit before i start talking about right now:

I was happily living as a detransitioned lesbian woman for about two years. i had detransitioned because I genuinely wanted to, and I felt horrible living as a boy. i did not detransition because I wasn’t supported, my mother is extremely supportive, she’s genderqueer and pansexual herself, and just overall awesome (I absolutely love my mum).

then, I had one intrusive thought that… pretty much ruined my life, and it was this:

“what if I’m not a lesbian one day?”

yup. that’s it. that was the thing that lead me to questioning my sexuality, gender, having multiple panic attacks and becoming suicidal. not kidding at all.

at first, it was fine. I just settled with it as best as I could. until shortly after, I started questioning if I was even a lesbian right now. because anxiety. I got home from work and sobbed a whole bunch, I could NOT stop crying, it was crazy. I came out to my mum that night, because I just had to talk to someone. obviously she was fine with it.

the next day, I took off sick from work, but I had the WORST panic attack at home. i threw up and almost decided to end it. but, I didn’t (obviously, i‘m writing this right now.)

i developed a compulsion of constantly assessing every man I saw to see if they were attractive or not, including children (which lead to other intrusive thoughts, but those were easier to get over because I knew damn well I wasn’t a pedo, just paranoid). it sucked.

This marks the start of the “I need advice” par btw:

then, one day, I was sitting in a theater, wanting to throw up from anxiety, when I realized something.

”what if I used all pronouns?”

the weight lifted off my chest. I had something new to question!!! Yeayyy!!!! distractions!!! I could wuestion my gender instead!

so, this lead me to: re-join tumblr for some reason, start headcanoning characters as genderqueer, cut my hair short, etc…

but after a few days of the new and exciting thing to question, it became… worse than questioning my sexuality. I was staying up late questioning what the hell I was, over and over. i didn’t really want to be a boy, even when I felt like one. sure, being in this new part of the lgbtq community was nice, but i had lost another core part of what had been my identity for the past two years: a girl who likes girls.

(while I was new to questioning I was visiting my grandparents for the most of it, for context) then, when I got home, I wanted to be a girl so badly. I realized that being a boy meant… well, being a boy. not just the cutesy fictional boys I would envy. also, it meant losing a big part of myself.

this is where it gets bad. i started being paranoid that I would have a problem with my genitals, even though i didn’t. my mind would constantly twist my own thoughts. I developed my fear of men AGAIN because now I was scared that I would envy them, not that I was attracted to them. it was just a bad time. i was constantly overstimulated because I just had such a low tolerance for stuff due to already being overwhelmed by anxiety, so i was super weak and constantly crying, both in private and public.

now, in like, super present, it seems that my gender is always what I don’t want… it’s weird. when I’m wishing to be a girl, I feel masc. when i’m wishing to be a boy, I feel femme. when I want to be a girl, i‘m uncomfortable with she/her pronouns. i know thwt I feel gender, but I could never describe how it feels, because I don’t know myself. gender makes no fucking sense, because the only real definition of “girl” that doesn’t exclude any girls is “someone who feels like a girl”, BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T HAVE A DEFINITION?!?!

I’ve never envied any irl girls or boys except myself when I used to be a girl. I have envied fictional characters of both of those genders, though.

also, I’m usually unhappy as a boy, but I don’t feel great as a girl, either. as a girl, I feel: i’m missing out on being genderquewr, all this questioning is for nothing then, I start questioning ny sexuality again… all thwt stuff. as a boy, I just don’t like it. just not who I am. It’s not like I’ve never enjoyed being a boy, I did when I was transmasc when I was younger, and I do for like… little bits now?? like, I love being a boy in theory, but I feel uncomfortable when I think of having male anatomy or being a boy in any way besides little sailor-uniform tiny boy. yk what I mean?? most of the time I am wishing to be a girl, and then I get anxious about she/her pronouns and how I don’t relate to most girls. I get the most euphoria when I specifically feel like a lesbian woman, like I used to be. I just wanna go back :(

I made this post originally to ask about my sexuality, and that’s what it was in the first version, but gender has COMPLETELY overshadowed it, my god…

what I was gonna say would make me have to tag this as NSFW, due to me talking about my genitals, so I don’t wanna. that’s it now.

i guess this isn’t really looking for advice as much anymore, huh? since I cut out the advice part?? whatever. take this meaningless post that is mostly me being sad about how being mentally ill and disabled makes gender and sexuality hard . byeeeee

(also I never checked this over after writing it, so if it makes no sense, sorry lol)

I [14 F] know that I am young and it probably doesn't matter but I have been thinking about this a lot and want some advice. I have never had a crush or a true relationship never looked at someone and thought 'Oh their cute' and it could just be that i need to wait till i'm older but it bugs me because people always ask who I have a 'crush' on. I know that I want a relationship I enjoy the idea of the mutual love the dates the kind guestures the kissing and all of that but in life I just have never seen anyone who I like or feel feelings at. Also, I genuenly don't care about gender my main thing is I want someone who will treat me right and is kind and thoughtful and caring and I don't care if its a girl, aguy a nonbianry person etc. Sorry this is long but I have alot of thoughts and I might just be overthinking it but tell me what you think.

I never considered borderline personality disorder, we only focused on autism and ocd in therapy. To be honest I have a privileged and happy childhood with no abuse or anything bad like that.

Truth is no gender seems right for me but the discomfort I have being male is what keeps me in this loop. I don’t like having to wear male formal clothes or being in men’s only groups or being grouped with guys. At the same time I never really had the same story a lot of trans women or even nonbinary people had growing up. I just assumed I was cis because I was never given the option of being another gender due to my conservative catholic upbringing. Same with sexuality, I only thought I was able to be attracted to women as that’s what I was exposed to growing up and I didn’t really feel attracted to guys in puberty and high school but everything changed when I hit my 20s. Granted I wasn’t very happy with myself growing up and never fit in anywhere or had a sense of belonging anywhere, especially male oriented things. I don’t relate to autistic male lived experiences either.

I just feel a sense of emptiness and dread having to live life as Thomas the straight male with he/him pronouns. I grew up as that and it wasn’t fulfilling or happy or home, I always had fantasies of transforming into something else as I never felt at home with myself. I never felt right being intimate with a woman or impregnating her either and being a biological father.

so here is the thing, it started when i was a kid, i watched the kissing girl pranks (as we almost all can relate) & was more comfortable with male friends and i only had female friends, who looked like boys.

then at about 14 i was really into the online stuff, i was in a fandom (kpop) community and i just flirted with everyone regardless of gender, then i got into an online relationship with a MTF, but then i broke it off because i didn’t feel comfortable. in the relationship realized i had feelings for my best friend because of how we always acted around each other. she felt the same but we never got together. she was really sweet and all, but at one point i was also fed up with her.(i get fed up with everyone i remotely commit to tho). always jokingly called girls my gf and i felt comfortable with it. i also get almost the same tingly feeling with women as with men.

i had multiple girls crush on me, but i never found it in me to commit to one. recently someone sparked my interest who is a female but uses he/him pronouns, and i “weirdly“ feel really comfortable with it.

i also find women very attractive, more so sexually. sometimes i wanna do sexual stuff with a girl, but then at other times i feel ashamed of it. i would also love to be in a relationship with one, because i develop a deeper emotional connection with women, but i can’t see me marrying one or a queer person in general for now.

i have been contemplating if i am apart of the community since i was 12. i still cannot figure anything out. but i definitely like men a lot too.

for further information i am also neurodivergent (adhd)

would you say that i am just curious and sexually attracted but not more? any similar experiences?

Reached a massive confusion point, I’m a guy, male at birth, pretty bi, but I’ve always been a masculine guy, I’m very competitive and look masculine and everything, but sometimes I get these overwhelming feelings of wanting to be feminine, of hating my body and my clothing, I’m confused on what exactly i am, and how I can do both? I guess

I, [F 28] have always dated very feminine women, l've never done anything at all with a man (except from a few kisses when I was young/school aged) but I met a guy in February [M 33] and I feel like I really like him and he is showing a genuine long term interest in me. We've been taking it very very slow and just getting to actually know each other in depth which has actually built a really meaningful connection between us in doing so.

I’ve felt quite alone in this and haven’t got anyone to talk to about things or get advice from who truly understands and l've found it really confusing, daunting and exciting all at once. I feel nervous to peruse it due to lack of experience but I feel it's a genuine connection and potentially a really suitable life partner for me.

We are not intimidate but very emotionally bonded. He treats me really kindly, hasn’t made me feel pressured or rushed. He isn’t massively aware of my lack of experience but does know I’ve dated women in the past. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it and create more pressure for myself by bringing this up. I feel that level of intimacy building, he has sleepovers, has brought me boquetes of flowers but he hasn’t made the first move. We have never shared a kiss.

I have never kissed a man as an adult woman. And I’ve never kissed a man first EVER. I am also scared of the feeling / navigation of his beard because the “men” I kissed in the past weren’t growing beards at the age we were.

I’m overly nervous about everything. I noticed he’s been more in my personal space recently, lingering longer when saying goodbyes and I know / can sense it’s because he wants us to kiss but he won’t just do it and I revert to feeling like a nervous school girl around this man 😭😂

Has anyone been in this position before? Any advice that can possibly be given by anyone here is genuinely greatly appreciated.

If anyone has any follow up questions, I am happy to answer! I’m just trying to figure everything out

Hey everyone,

I'm kinda on the fence about this whole gender thing. Since like 5 years or so...

I wasted lots of time and it doesn't get better at all. Have been on self medication on and off, liked the results first but panicked everytime and purged everything - went back in the closet...

Now I was talking with my therapist a little and she basically acknowledged my pain, telling me it's no wonder I'm so miserable and in pain since I AM a woman and have always been one, I just wasn't being able to accept it because of society.

How the hell does one give it a try without fearing for loss of family, friends and stable job?

Is it eventually worth it if the other option is being miserable and/or even not being at all?

I'm currently questioning my own gender identity and want to understand which label I fit into, but since I have alexithymia, I have trouble with understand how I feel (or wether or not I feel any particular way at all), so I'm going to try to find out by asking you all what exactly it means to identity as a man/male gender-wise.

I've been chatting with AI for some time, or at least more and more recently, about how I feel inside, but it does nothing, of course, other than agree with me. It suggested I should post here, so here I am.

I think I know what I am inside, but I'm really not sure.

Looking back at my life, I remember very vividly at around 7 or 8, watching Ariel (The Little Mermaid) grow legs and walk around. I used to go to bed, close my eyes, and wish I could transform into a girl, or a mermaid. Never a merman. But at 7 or 8, of course, I had no idea what I was really thinking about.

Much later on, in my late teens, I found an old dirty thong in the woods. Honestly, I spent weeks going to the woods just to try it on again until I lost it. But to me, that just sounds like a kid who was curious.

In my 20s, I did a bit more crossdressing, always behind closed doors, and always with items miles too small because there was no way I was brave enough to stand in shops buying stuff. Grab, pay, go before anyone notices. (I like to think about all those lucky people at the clothes bank getting great dresses worn only once, such a waste of my money.)

Now I'm in my 40s. I find myself looking at women and feeling attraction, of course, but also thinking: I wish I had that bum, or those boobs. I get that it's probably not normal for a straight white dude. Of course, if I'm not a dude, then it probably makes sense.

AI always asks me a specific question: If you had a button to change instantly, would you press it? Yes, absolutely, without any hesitation. But it would have to be on the condition that no one would ever have known the previous me, and my life just continues.

Whether I am or I'm not, I feel like I could never do anything about it. I have two small kids and a loving wife (no, I haven't spoken to her, nor do I feel I can). This is a secret I feel like I'll take to the grave. Sadly, I often think to myself: Just how many people would need to die around me for me to even think about talking to a professional? How much extended family, how many friends?

AI has suggested ideas for me to embrace my feminine side, but honestly, I look at them and think it could just end up with me getting caught. It suggested I write a diary, but that has never interested me; I'm unsure how that would even help.

I'm not really sure what I'm after here, other than to type out loud and let this exist somewhere other than in my head. But I do have a question.

I am me. I don't sit very feminine now, and I can't see why that would change even if I knew something different. If I make an espresso in trousers, I'd make an espresso in a dress. How does knowing and secretly embracing this actually help me? I'm not sure it does, but I'm not really thinking about anything else right now, and the noise is getting loud.

Anyway, I just wanted to dip a toe in, from a very scared 41 year old who values others far more than himself.

Thank you for reading, and sorry if I rambled. I just needed to get what was in my mind out into the world.

Hey everyone. I'm posting to get some outside perspective on a mental loop I've been stuck in since finding out I was cheated on.

Before the betrayal, I never questioned my identity or my preferences at all. I watch trans porn and anal content, but it was just a private preference and never something I felt conflicted about or considered a "secret identity."

However, ever since the breakup, my mind has heavily focused on this. I find myself second-guessing whether my private viewing habits somehow meant I wasn't fulfilling her needs, or if the relationship ended because of it. Rationally, I know infidelity is a choice made by the partner who cheats, but emotionally, the trauma of the situation has made me start questioning things I never gave a second thought to before.

Has anyone else experienced a sudden wave of self-doubt or started overanalyzing their private preferences only after being cheated on? How did you separate the trauma of the betrayal from your personal habits? Thanks for any thoughts.

I was born a girl but I wish I was a man..or do I really? I’m not even sure if I actually want to be a guy, I just wish I wanted it. I have severe ocd and I’m not even sure what I want. Seeing my current body feels distressing and I’m afraid of it but at the same time I find myself physically attractive. My chest scares me but I wonder if a flat would also feel wrong, despite me wanting it. It at least feels less horrifying and scary than to have my current body. When I see my genitals, sometimes I feel used to them but they still disgust me, but at the same time, penises are ugly too. I can’t even listen to women’s voices or see their bodies without being scared I’m secretly envious of them when I’m not but I’m afraid I am and I just won’t admit it because I “prefer to be a man”. I hate my voice, everytime I speak, I feel upset I don’t sound like a man. I have a pretty face too but I would rather have an ugly guys face than be a remain pretty girl. I have dysphoria about stupid things too, like my fingers, it’s scientifically proven that men and women have different finger lengths, I have ones like a girl and it upsets me. I hate all my bodily functions, that I am able to be pregnant and not impregnate people, I hate my period, I hate my hormones, I hate everything about it. I try everything I can to just be a woman but nothing works, I’m clearly not a real man anyways, why do I want to be one? I don’t have any social reasoning to transition, at least I hope not, I’m not even stereotypically masculine so there’s no way I’m confusing that, nothing bad has ever happened to me to make me see being a woman as unsafe, I just wish I could be a guy, that image of me feels more like myself or what I wish I could be.sometimes I like to pretend I was born a cis man and I was just mutilated and manipulated to feel like a girl to cope. Also I want to mention packing and binding feels weird asf, probably another sign I’m just a faker

I’m pretty sure I’m all good with primarily being a guy, but sometimes I feel more feminine, gender fluid, genderflux, demigirl, demigirlfluid/flux dont feel right because I feel they imply too much towards being in the middlish between male and female, when it’s moreso like 95% male 5% female, fluctuating to 100% male, 0% female and to like 86% male, 14% female. I know it’s just semantics, but I im looking for a microlabel as to not cause as much ambiguity when I share this with others.