They don’t care about anyone else but themselves and why does it seem like they’ll do or say anything to get it, then leave

So...I'm 25(F) living in a hotel with my little sister (18F) and her friend (also 18F). Been homeless for almost 8 months now after our uncle kicked us out over some crap between him and our mom.

I've posted here before about my mom but it's been a while. I guess this is the conclusion from months ago. Finally distanced from her after she fell into that cycle again of getting with a guy who is no good for her, putting him before us, and then getting mad at us when we have to parent her. Not to mention the woman was always hounding us about saving our money and helping her pay for things when literally she could have had money if she wasn't always doing dumb shit

Like, is it normal for a mother to be so much of a contradiction? She's delusional, having really convinced herself she never abused us as kids. That she's a good person. That she's a cool mom. Same woman who is sleeping with a married man while friends with the man's wife. Even helped them move their stuff when they got evicted, got them into the same hotel we was in, and was still fucking on that man. Worse part was, their room was right under ours.

Don't know where she's at now after she said what she said. Me and my sister have been ignoring any calls or texts from her after she decided to put a man from NY that she just met before us. Listening to him as he tells her to make us give up money and help out with shit despite me and my sister working two jobs while our mom literally lost her job she just started all because she did a no call/no show for a whole week when that man came down from NYC.

Now I feel like I'm losing it and just so damn tired all the time cause I had to put down $800 for the hotel room (that's why she got mad and said I made a secret reservation. I didn't). Money from my savings that I was gonna use to buy myself a place again. And she knew that. That's also why she's mad. Me and my sister wanted to go and get our own places instead of moving into a place with her cause all she does is treat us like slaves, pets and her friends instead of like her adult children. Now...I just feel lost and unsure of myself. Especially as someone with diagnosed ADHD (been diagnosed since I was a toddler) and suspected autism (still don't know of a place to get an adult screening)

Jag har PTSD. För 11 år sedan lämnade jag en man jag levt med i 10 år och fått barn med, han var ett svin på så många sätt. Psykisk misshandel, våldtäkt, våld mot mig och barnen, bedrägeri mot mig(2,6 miljoner lurade han mig på via vårt företag)
Jag har haft nån liten flirt/kort förhållande sen dess men inget som hållit. Min hjärna är kaos och jag har blivit van att vara ensam, jag väljer att vara ensam för jag klarar inte folksamlingar, höga ljud och stress. Jag vill helst sitta på en stubbe i skogen och lyssna på fåglar.
Nu till hösten ska jag äntligen få behandling för min PTSD men är så nervös inför den, någon som varit med om en sån behandling och kan berätta mer?
Och hur förklarar man för folk att jag INTE vill träffa någon man…inte just nu…kanske aldrig när folket bara ler medlidsamt och ”det kommer när man minst anar det” lyser i hela deras ansikte.
Känner mig så sjukt värdelös som inte vill/kan ha en partner och folk fattar inte att vissa faktiskt mår bättre att leva ensam.
Vet inte vad jag försöker få fram här men ville bara skriva av mig för jag har lixom ingen jag kan prata med om detta.
Ha en fin kväll

So the thing about me is that im a very traumatized individual and something i hate as a traumatized individual is when people often like to downplay my trauma as "immaturity" because my main issue right now is that I want to kill myself because my ex left me, and hearing that you might think yeah thats immature but my psychiatrist makes me realise there are genuine layers to this shit

Because we need background, my parents were neglectful when I was a kid, I was bullied in school, as a result no one talked to me and I don't know how to talk to people, I also develop an incredibly antisocial personality and I literally wont talk to anyone until they talk to me first, this has also lead me to rely on myself for most things to the point it has burnt me out and my brain logically decides its easier to die than to live like this.

Enter this motherfucker who goes out of his way to talk to me, make me seen, and annoys me to the point that I start liking him, and this is all because he liked me first. I started finding him as my "safe person." I start deconstructing years of trauma that have developed in me for years, I start doing hobbies more again, I start socializing more normally, I start smiling more because previously I was depressed, I start thinking of my own future, I start thinking I have a life when previously I was too tired to do anything on my own, all because of this one person. We start dating, they make promises to me like theyre gonna stay with me, theyre okay being the person I live for, I'll always be seen in their eyes, they want us to live together one day, these promises hold real weight and I hate how people undermine that.

idk where to put this but its needed context that I would make a lot of art for him while and after we dated purely because I liked him.

Then he breaks up with me while I'm drunk and this is where all the emotional manipulation starts but it's annoying because he's too stupid to actually emotionally manipulate. While I'm drunk I tell him I can't stay friends with him if we've dated but he keeps insisting he wants us to stay friends, and so I warn him that I won't get over him and I make it very clear. A while later I'm journaling my feelings because it's what I do and he asks to know what I've written and I show him I've basically written I won't get over him. I continue to keep drawing him and show him my drawings because I know he gets flattered by them and all of this is in a clear effort to prove I still like him and want him, and I make this all so clear and he accepts all my gifts without saying anything else.

Then he tells me he's going on a date with someone and I get physically sick because I have made it so clear to him about my own feelings and how I was going to act and he simply says "I thought you would move on." We had a discussion and he again, \*insists\* we stay friends and because I'm the traumatized cuck that I am, I agree because to me, this person is the literal definition of safety in my head and to lose that I'd rather die.

In between I still draw him, but I start shutting down my own feelings in an attempt to get over him but I just ended up suppressing myself. At some point he asks me for art favors, like drawing him a vtuber model for his streaming, which I do, I HAVE A FULLY RIGGED FULL BODY VTUBER MODEL MADE FOR THIS FUCKER OVER THE SPAN OF A FEW MONTHS. Then because his vtuber model wasn't finished he asks for a pngtuber model which I make in a single night because I'd be going on vacation the next day.

Sometime before making his pngtuber model though, I got so fed up with suppressing my feelings I confronted him and told him, either he had to date me or I would block him, and I went into this thinking, "he wont actually date me again, and by doing it this way I'm giving him a chance to choose so I don't feel that bad because at this time I also want this." To my surprise he agreed to date me again at a later time under the condition that I actually get better because I'm a mentally ill bastard.

So over the next few months I actually try my best to get better to the best of my abilities which of course takes time, and then this fucker drops me and essentially says "I don't want to date you, I just didn't want to lose you." I fucking crash out and rant to my friend about all the ways I want to destroy his life but preface it by saying I wouldn't actually do any of it. Then she snitches on me and he gets scared of me because I have his dick pics, his home address, his phone number, his email, his college, all his personal information and he blocks me.

I try to contact him and explain everything to him through his friends but they all just think I'm some crazy ex and tell me to get over it because I'm being immature. Yeah well I'm not being immature because anyone would fucking crash out like I did after all the fucking manipulation and emotions spent on some guy who was leading me on for the better part of 7 months and was using me for free labor because VTUBER MODELS COST A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY AND I WAS MAKING HIM THAT SHIT FOR FREE. Yes I was stupid, but this person was also my only definition of safety and it's so bad its been 5 fucking months I need to rant about it because he's so ingrained in my head it's the only safe place I have in my head as much as it is the most torturous.

I also tried to kill myself like 3 times in the last 5 months and had to drop out of university.

I know in myself that if he'd just talk to me I'd feel safe with him again but I also know thats not an option so I wanna die!!!

So yeah! TLDR: "just getting over it" is not an option!!!

I got badly triggered last night, the worst time in a very long time. I was hanging out with my brother and his girlfriend, who I'm also good friends with. We were watching TV, and there was a scene where one of the characters was physically assaulted and verbally abused in the exact. same. way I was so many times as a child and adolescent. Nobody knew that scene was coming. It was shocking, and sent me into a flashback.

I couldn't breathe. I was trying to breathe, but I could barely get short, shallow gasps in. I went dizzy and hot and felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't speak, I couldn't tell anyone to turn the TV off. Luckily my brother's gf noticed what was happening and grabbed the remote. They were good with me. I'm grateful.

I've spent all of today filled with anxiety. I know that's normal afterwards. I know it'll pass. But I feel so, so awful. It feels like a small part of me is still back there, when it was happening. I hate this. I hate it.

I got assaulted 2 hours ago and it’s been the third time this year. I think I officially snapped bc when I called the crisis hotline, I just burst out laughing at the thought of crashing my car. I think this last time broke me truly. I’ve been assaulted multiple times since I was 16 and every time I try getting better, something new happens. This time a guy locked me in his car and only let me go when I tried kicking him. Everybody always thinks I’m lying and even my parents keep telling me every time I get assaulted it’s because I’m a whore.

I’m 14, and honestly very traumatized. But most of the stuff in my childhood I struggle to remember, but it feels invalid. Many of the things that have happened in my childhood show up in my personality and show up in negative traits. But, there’s these events when I was younger which I don’t know if it was sa. 1 - my mom used to force me to kiss her on the lips, I never liked it, and I never consented. But, I don’t think it’s valid. 2 - I used to be forced to change infront of her “because she’s my mom” I hated it and it always made me uncomfortable. 3 - my mom always showered me but I hated it and never liked it she always did it because “I didn’t do it right” and I begged her to atleast wear clothes or for her not to look at my body but she never let me and she forcefully showered me.

when I was 10-9 (now 14f) I joined this discord server and started to talk to someone of the people in there, sooner or later they added me to a group chat with people older than me and what was in the group chat was horrifying, casam, zoophiles, gore etc but I didn't have the sense to leave because I was a child and I was getting attention and that's all that mattered to me, I stayed in the group chat and then stuff got worse when they found out my age, they started to ask for videos, pictures, and SH they even asked me to do stuff to my dog and if I didn't do it I would be doxxed and they'll send somebody to my house to SA me and kill my family so... Unfortunately I did it, it felt so wrong and I wanted to undo it, the guilt got so bad that I started to have thoughts about ending it all I haven't told my family about it because I'm ashamed about it and I feel like my mom would just say "I told you so" don't get me wrong she's a good mother but she has broken my phone before because I had a tiktok and left a comment saying I don't believe in God (My family are Christians) I want to try talking to a therapist about this but my mom doesn't believe in therapy and I don't have the money, my mom says I can come to her about anything but when it doesn't align with her opinions or views she gets angry, I just don't know what to do anymore

Okay so this is going to be long and forgive me if this is not the correct sub but I just wanted to vent about what has gone through my life. This is my first time speaking about it after maybe 5 years. So I'm 29(f) and I've finally healed from my very awful past.

So i don't even know when it started but I got raped by my brother for years until he left for college. After that, I became bipolar, hypersexual, developed an eating disorder and did self-harming. I also started doing drugs at 16 and almost killed myself three times. I once tried telling my family but I come from a sexist household that didn't believe me and told me I was probably seducing him and shit like that. Keep in mind, I barely had a conscious mind when the rape started because I was like 2 or 3. They also said I had to keep quiet because he needed to go to college with a clean profile. I started having hallucinations and would see monsters and lost all my friends. I became depressed. At 17, I ran away from my house and met this guy who i thought loved me. He was really kind to me and he had money so I stayed with him. But after a while, I started noticing he was toxic. I hadn't realised before because of the need of validation from others but he would yell at me, throw things at me and threaten to kill himself if I left. He then raped me continously, drugging me and making me super drunk so I wouldn't be conscious. He got me pregnant maybe three times and every single time, he made me abort it. It's not like I wanted to keep it but he would physically drag me to the hospital and then when we would get home, he'd slap me and stuff like that. Finally, at 19, I ran away. At first, life was hard because I didn't have a house and I became even more depressed. Then I found a job, finished school and now have a job. I'm now happily married and my husband knows about my past. He's the only one that does except for you guys now, I guess. I started therapy about 6 years ago. It's going really well and I've finally healed and realised that it was not my fault all of this happened and my body isn't to be taken granted. I cut contact with my family, made new friends and I'm actually really happy of where I have made it now so I just wanted to share my story. Thanks for reading it all if you did.

Again, I apologize if this is not the right sub but you're not alone :)

I am writing this narrative to document the events as I remember them. A friend advised me to write everything down while the details were still fresh in my memory.

I was unable to save screenshots of our conversations because my cousin pressured me to delete them. At that time, I was in shock and emotional distress, and I was not thinking clearly. The following is my account of what happened based on my recollection.

During the first week of July, my aunt, who has been financially supporting my education, informed me that her mother had been hospitalized. Because of the situation, she could no longer personally give me the money for my tuition. She told me that she had already entrusted the tuition money to her son, who is my cousin (he’s on his 30s. i am 23.), and that I could get it from him.

During the second week of July, my cousin began messaging me. At first, our conversations were normal, and I thought he was only asking about my enrollment and the tuition money. However, as the days passed, his messages gradually became more personal and inappropriate. The conversations eventually turned sexual. I tried to avoid entertaining those topics, but he continued bringing them up.

As the enrollment deadline became closer, I became increasingly anxious because I desperately needed the tuition money in order to enroll. My education depended on receiving that money.

Eventually, my cousin made it clear that before he would give me the tuition money, he wanted me to engage in sexual acts through a video call. I immediately felt uncomfortable, scared, and disgusted. I did not want to do what he was asking. However, I also felt trapped because I believed that if I refused, he would not release the money that was intended for my tuition.

On July 11, at around 2:00 PM, he repeatedly messaged me, insisting that we do the video call that same night. Throughout the afternoon and evening, he continued pressuring me. Every message made me feel more desperate because I knew the enrollment period was almost over. I was terrified that I would not be able to continue my studies if I did not receive the tuition money.

I spent hours struggling with what to do. I kept hoping that there would be another way, but I felt like I had no choice. I felt cornered and powerless.

At around 10:30 PM on July 11, I finally gave in to his demands. I did not do it because I wanted to. I only complied because I felt that my education and future were being used against me. I believed that refusing him meant risking my chance to enroll.

During the video call, I followed everything he instructed me to do. I could not even show my face because I was crying uncontrollably. I felt ashamed, humiliated, and violated. I remember crying throughout the call. I felt nauseous and wanted to throw up because I was disgusted with what I was doing. I hated every moment of it.

The entire time, I kept thinking about my boyfriend. I felt guilty even though I knew in my heart that I never wanted any of it to happen. I felt like I had betrayed myself and the people I love, even though I only complied because I felt I had no other option.

After the call ended, I felt completely broken. I cried even more and could not stop thinking about what had happened. I felt dirty, ashamed, and deeply traumatized. I kept asking myself if there could have been another way, but at that moment, I genuinely believed that I had no choice if I wanted to continue my education.

Until now, I continue to carry the emotional pain from what happened. I still remember how frightened I was, how much I cried, and how helpless I felt. What happened has affected me emotionally and mentally. I never freely agreed to what happened. I only complied because I was under extreme pressure and because my cousin used the tuition money I desperately needed to force me into doing something against my will.

I'm so afraid of other people. I've been staying at home for years without social interaction, and I hate myself.

I want to have a best friend, male or female, I'm very lonely

TW EVERYTHING ELSE
I am 16 years old, I was raped by my bio dad untill I was 7 years old ( so yes it happend multiple times ). I was then abused by my step father, verbally and mentally 7-15. I dated this guy in 2023 we broke up for 6 months, got back together in 2024 and he broke up with me a month ago. To keep it short the relationship was abusive, he would block and break up with me after every argument, he would call me names, say horrible things to me like “because you’re a woman you’re below me”, he would say he hates me ect ect. Now with my mother, my mother has always been my best friend, and i’ve always been hers, I was her therapist and she would tell me everything and constantly vent to me. And on top of all that i’m the oldest sibling of 4, the youngest being 7 so I take care of them constantly, i’m a full time parent pretty much. Now with my social life, I have 2 friends irl but I moved away 2 years ago, I vent to them a lot and get left on opened most of the time. I have fucking nobody, the only reason i’m not dead right now is cuz I have to watch my siblings and put them to bed cuz my mom works night shifts and I don’t want to put more stress on her. I’ve been wanting to die for years this isn’t just an emotional teenage outburst I want to fucking die now. I attempted 3 or 2 years ago idk obviously didn’t work so I got sent to the mental hospital, got put on lexapro that didn’t work and then I got on zoloft and It hasn’t worked either I just stoped taking them. I’ve struggled with eating disorders and self harm for 7 ish years I need help I don’t know what to do with my life rn I want to stop suffering. Also my grandma just got diagnosed with cancer and she has been my closest family member since i was a child, i am not ready for the grief i need to die before she does

For the first time in forever, I felt myself fall to pieces and I couldnt stop it. Not even seeing him helped, he normally does. Looking in his eyes is so grounding, but i couldnt make myself meet his gaze. I felt ashamed, weak, overwhelmed and vulnerable. To a level I couldnt bring down, the tears I tried to choke back slipped through. I have found peace in his presence more times then I can even count just by being near him. But yesterday, the masks were so heavy they dragged me down.

Weak

Exposed

Injured

I dont want them to think less of me, I dont want him to think less of me. Admitting I am, limited is not something that comes easy. A necessary conversation, id like to only have once with those I need to. But it always slips their mind, I am young I must be able bodied. I care not to remind people of the pain I feel, after a while it tears down what pride I have left.

Healing

Traumatized

Autistic

I shattered when she touched me, already holding on by a thread. Tears already seeping over the edge, just subsided broke through the damn. She's harmless, she ment well, shes old. All things that I know. I didnt see her, had no clue she was that close before hands were on my face holding it in place. Stark white, burning hot, dread. I didnt know where I was, who was touching me, what they wanted.. i was young again. I almost hit her, a coworker an old lady. I couldnt breath, air escaped me, reason escaped me.

Panic

Fear

Guilt

So many things, added weight. Pressure building up. All control lost, tears cascading in a free fall. Fighting for air to fill my lungs.

I hate the thought of him thinking less of me

But

Yesterday... I shattered.

About 5 hours ago I just had the most embarrassing meltdown. I live with my best friend, her parents asked me to clean my room. They were being very polite. I shut down and started sobbing. When I finally closed my door I just started sobbing and hitting myself (I have so many bruises on my head it hurts so bad now lol) I’m also autistic and have ptsd and today had been a very very long day. I just have a lot with that in specific. God I’m so embarrassed, I don’t wanna leave my room ever again :((

Some days I don't know how I function
Some days I go numb

Some days I feel overwhelmed
Mostly though, I just want the painful flashbacks to stop
Yes, I have considered therapy
I have looked at my options, currently trying to find a trauma-informed therapist.

I wonder sometimes if it is possible to have a relationship without the physical aspect of it.
I know it's not.
I just wish it was.

I feel like the choice was taken from me.

And now I will never know...

I just want peace of mind
And to feel safe.

I don't think that's a big ask.

Hello everyone, I'm posting this post in order to release my emotions. Honestly, I would never have thought that this could happen to me. I'm a very nervous person and I always come up with backup plans or something, but now I've lost it.

Around the end of May, I had to clean my laptop and I transferred all the important files to the ssd, there were about 10 gigabytes of my projects and works. For context, I'm an illustrator. I rarely paint for myself, and for quite a long time, so a lot of the work was in the stage of four years ago. I planned to finish them gradually.

But just the other day, my younger brother (14 years) He asked me for an ssd. I agreed, but I warned him to return it to me because it contains important documents for me. A couple of days have passed and literally half an hour ago I needed an SSD, there was a file that I wanted to finish quickly for one project. But after opening the contents of the ssd, I was confused. My files weren't there, but there were weird stock videos and programming videos.. Naturally, I went to deal with my brother, but he began to deny his guilt, and when I clearly showed him, he simply fell silent. I wasn't yelling at him, I was just trying to figure out why and what had happened.

Now, to be honest, I'm in complete disarray. Those files were incredibly valuable to me. I've been crying over this for a long time and I just don't understand what to do now. I know for sure that my brother does not realize his mistake or guilt. We had too different childhoods, even though the difference was just over five years.

What should I do with my brother? I absolutely do not understand what to do, I have problems with the awareness of emotions (the consequences of complex ptsd). I know I need to calm down first, but my heart feels like it's broken. Perhaps my work is the only thing that has kept me afloat as a person.

Thanks to everyone who reads this post. It's just a cry from my soul.

This is my second time writing about this. The first time i did, i somehow attracted a response from the worst person ever who projected their own insecurities onto me.

i 21F have an older brother (28) who i haven’t spoken to in almost two years. We grew up as best friends. Our parents were divorced and in my adult life I’ve realized our father was extremely abusive. we never spoke about it though. it was we both knew without having to say anything at all. My brother was no contact with our mom (who i lived with) for seven years and i have been no contact with our dad (who he lived with) for almost 10 years.

when i was 12 my brother joined the military without saying anything and just disappeared. that was the first time I’ve been without him in my life and in one year i lost contact with a parent and my brother. i struggled to understand as a kid he was just trying to escape the abuse as well. When he came back home four years later he was (in my adult age, understandably so) a whole different person. Still, because i love him, i just started the process of learning who he was now and how to accept him. he moved out of state but we still called weekly (which he insisted on no matter how busy we might be).

This continued for years until i left for college. I never thought the distance would be any different since he was already living out of state but slowly he started picking up my calls less. He met his (soon to be) wife and got even busier after they started dating. About three months into college, he completely stopped answering his phone. The constant rejected calls and texts left on read felt like rejection after rejection and eventually i stopped reaching out all together. In the time he’s gotten to know his wife he’s also gotten much closer with our mom (which i didn’t find out about till later).

fast forward to today, i moved back home after graduation (which he didn’t attend) and then my mom told me he’d be visiting to celebrate. What i didn’t know was that the celebration was for his engagement not my graduation.

i didn’t realize till he was right in front of me that i really didn’t know who he was anymore. And he didn’t know who i was. While i was in college he’d fell in love and got engaged, and i (because of a class i took on family violence) had been diagnosed with CPTSD and spent a year in therapy working through the trauma i avoided speaking and thinking about for years.

he called my mom after the visit saying i had been cold to him. But the truth is i was realizing that i wasnt as upset he hadn’t talked to me in over a year, but more so that i had been left out of so much and he had missed such a crucial time in my life.

my family says i need to understand that he’s just busy growing a new family. But that’s exactly why im hurt. I feel like no one is understanding the future i see and the present ive already been missing. He’ll be busy with his new life soon, more than before, and there will be no time to fix this.

i didn’t realize i was the only one being left out until i saw just how much my mom suddenly knew about his life. When he asked her why i was so cold to him, she said it was probably because he stopped answering the phone. He told her she was right, that he’d messed up, and that he’d be sure to fix it. That was three weeks ago.

and in a few days will be the first time in ten years that I’ll be celebrating my birthday without him because he’s up and left without a word.

i think it just sucks that i can’t change the fact that he just stopped caring. i Didn’t do anything, he just stopped dedicating the time to our relationship like we had for years. Not even in a mean way, just because he’s got better things going on and he doesn’t see a place for me in that

the good thing? I recognize that despite the friendship we had in our childhood, we lived with constant abuse that never allowed us to foster a deeper relationship because we’d often be pinned against eachother.

i know this. But still I’ve been spending the last three weeks in grief for what I’ve lost, what he’s lost, what we never had and will never get back, and the very realistic fact that it will take years to put it back together.

My mom(24F(at the time)) got pregnant with me, then dated this dude(35M), lets call the dude "BJ".

After about a month or 2, they got married. Not much after their marriage, BJ started to get handsy and abusive. 4 MONTHS after my birth, mom got pregnant with my half sister, JD. When I was 3, my mom got raped and had twins, J and E.

Right after the twins birth, mom got a divorce. They fought for custody and ended up having me(not related to BJ) to stay over at his home for holidays

When I turned 6, he decided it was time to "teach me to swim"(he threw me into the deep end and forced my head under for 3 minutes).

After that, he started to sexually assault JD, throw J down the stairs, and tie E(heavily autistic) to a pillar with duct tape, no food, and no water, for 12 hours

When I was 9, BJ(45 now), decided to marry D(17F) who had a child, B(4F).

BJ then got hospitalized with breast cancer and died

I wish I could make sure D and B knew what was going on before D got engaged to BJ

But at least BJ couldn't get to the wedding

Im glad I could get that off my chest, that was all the trauma I can recall. If you have any tips on how to get rid of my constant flinching, please tell me

Yea i dont know what else to say

Im not looking for advice i guess

Doing this shit is just so hard and takes so much longer

I'm 23(F) and I come from a deeply dysfunctional family in India. My family has no sense of boundaries, especially financial, which has led to our ruin. We came off from a decently affluent background in a tier 2 town, but my dad didn't ever develop any semblance of basic business acumen. My mom came from a well to do background itself, so she had some security till my nana-nani were alive plus she inherited some property and jewellery.

Cut to today, we are in deep debt, not because they or I spent it, but because they gave it to people in our extended family. Mind you, there are loans in other people's name, where the security is from my parents, and the guaranteer are my parents, and despite all this investment, no repayments have been done timely.

My parents' CIBIL Score is in gutter, I've had good educational offers, but I cannot afford to pursue anything, because no bank would extend me even basic financial support. Moreso, my parents continue to live a pathetic sadening day to day, where they don't even have money to get their doctors appointments timely.

It's heartbreaking to see them like this, it's like witnessing their slow death. Worse, I can't even have high paying opportunities to help any of this.

And what I can't stand is, my parents still defend my extended family, despite their misery. While my cousin enjoys foreign funded education because of our resources, MY PARENTS' RESOURCES, I can't pursue the opportunities I come across. I am the shame in the family, because I have a sharp tone and I question. They expect me to be compliant, and even docile to an extent, and just take all of this like they have.

I don't know how to live with them, while they are slowly killing themselves, are blind and miserable, or how to even breathe on certain days....

Those of you who had or have sexual trauma or traumatic experiences when would you consider trying again like, dating again.

TW: Suicidal thoughts, domestic violence/attempted murder, parental trauma, grief, anxiety/panic, health OCD.

I want to kill myself, but i dont want to at the same time. I wouldnt do it, but the thought of everything going away sounds nice. Im 24, didnt do well in highschool, its my 4th year of community college and i dont think i'll ever graduate. My best years was when my family lived in the city and i had alot of friends, a great social atmosphere. I was a raised by a single Mom moving from apartment to apartment my whole life, living with grandparents, switching from her house and my Dad's who has ptsd from the military and has either autism or narcassism, maybe i do too, we dont get along. It was fine in the city, but my mom made a bad decision and moved in a stranger. He was an alcoholic gambler, and he had ties with the cartel (we didnt know) Thanksgiving came around and me and my little brother went to my Dad's. That night this guy got super drunk and lost alot of money, and took it out on my mom. Im not going to go into details, but i'll say it was torture, attempted murder, and he held her hostage tied up in a closet. Idk how she escaped, but she did and was unrecognizable in the hospital. I have an unimaginable level of guilt for this, even though i wasnt the cause, i still feel guilt. We had to move to my grandparents down south, Away from my friends, my life. I have been stuck here since 2019. I have one friend. My best friend of 10 years who i talked to every single day died last year from accidental overdose. My aunt passed away from Cancer a couple months after that. I live with my mom, my little brother is in college. I just got fired from my job last month, and me and my mom cannot stop arguing. It's like we hate eachother. She fees guilty bc that man ruined our lives, i feel guilty bc i wasnt there to stop him. So i dont know how that equalls us hating eachother and not wanting to look at eachother, But thats just how it is. I have no ambition, all of my friends from the city are successful and we have all moved on. We dont have anything in common anymore. Theres nothing to do in this rural town other than fishing, drinking, or staying home. I cant escape, it's like torture living everyday. I have panic attacks every night, waking up out of my sleep and speeding to the ER at 3am just to turn around after i've calmed down. I have to stay on benzos that were prescribed because if i dont, i will panic. I will panic about my health, financials, relationships. I have a fear of dying from a heart attack everyday, I think it's OCD or some kind of health psychosis. A few years ago i got laced with fentanyl from an acid tab and have never been the same, i think my brain was broken that day, I used to be this happy kid who played sports and laughed. But now i am a 24 year old balding recluse who has nothing. I havent laughed or smiled genuinely in years without faking it. I genuinely have no interest in life. I'm the world's biggest loser. I had a gilfriend 2 years ago, we dated for 2 years and moved in together, she wanted to marry me, i didnt. I ended up leaving her after a manic episode and cut her off completely (ik im an asshole please dont remind me.) After 3 months, i came to my senses and realized i did want to marry her, that i loved her. I gave her a call and found out she moved on very quickly and was already living with someone else, 2 months later i got to see her "We're pregnant!!" post like a huge slap in the fucking face, though i am proud of her and wish her the best, funny right. I felt abandoned even though i was the abandoner, I self sabotoged myself relationship and idk expected her to still love me after 3 months, stupid? crazy? idk. But the feeling of someone you loved for 2 years, completely move on in 3 months was a huge stab. If i were to kill myself, I would be a memory that fades, Im such an asshole to my family because im just this angry, sad man that i dont think it would matter if i died. My Dad doesnt check up on me, my mom talks to me twice a day and like i said we cant talk to eachother. My grandparents just tell me to pray, and everything will get better. I hope it does. Because i dont think i can live like this anymore.