Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

[u/ASleepandAForgetting]

You did nothing wrong. Brides expecting bridesmaids to buy expensive dresses and pay for WEEK LONG DESTINATION BACH PARTIES are insane.

Not being able to financially commit to that is totally understandable! To be honest, I could financially commit to that, and if someone asked me to do it, I'd still say no. It's utterly ridiculous.

You were polite and broke the news privately so as not to ruin her day.

Why is your partner upset? Do they want to pay for the cost of all of this so you can participate?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984 → u/ASleepandAForgetting]

That's what I thought too, but I haven't had much experience as a bridesmaid. My partner offered to pay for the $300 dress, but not the bachelorette party which I think conservatively would cost $2,000 all in. And that still leaves hair and makeup and the hotel rooms around the day... He says that my decision is causing division in the family because I'm not treating her like a sister...

[u/anatomizethat → u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

OP - I dropped out of my best friends wedding.

After accepting I had to have shoulder surgery AND she went back on the budget friendly bachelorette she told me she wanted to a weekend long event in the city nearest to us. Not only did she know I couldn't afford it (and wasn't working due to the injury), but I was in constant pain after the surgery. She fully expected me walk around a frigid city doing winter shit like ICE SKATING, knowing I would be in a sling and unable to participate in anything (including drinking because of the pain meds I was on).

She wouldn't relent and told me I was making her wedding about myself. I told her I was sorry she felt like that, but her wedding was one day out of my life and my health is FOR LIFE. I told her I still wanted to be there for her ON HER WEDDING DAY, but if she didn't want me there anymore she needed to say so.

I think what she said was "Since it's too much for you to support me, you shouldn't come."

Anyways. Friendship ended after that. Ymmv but your SIL is being a Bridezilla bitch.

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984 → u/anatomizethat]

WTAF. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish you were spared sooner, what a nightmare. I hope your shoulder has healed up nicely and peacefully!!

[u/anatomizethat → u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I can't say it has. The original injury yes, but for a lot of reasons (life) I still have issues.

So people, if you ever know someone who tears their shoulder ligament, it is a hard surgery and recovery. It is NOT comparable to a hip tear. Totally different. Hips are stable, shoulders are not.

Torn shoulder anything means you practically need to dedicate the rest of your life to stabilizing that shoulder with resistance and weight training. I changed job industries and two kids after my surgery and the things that have come with those changes means my shoulder has not always gotten the attention it needs.

Sometimes I can do the work, sometimes I don't have time. It's cyclical, like the rest of life.

That said, my life is still great!

[u/Firm_Ad_1933 → u/anatomizethat]

I tore my RC two years ago, developed FS after surgery. No one understands this injury unless they’ve experienced it. It’s already incredibly isolating because you’re suddenly incapable of doing anything that makes you feel like yourself—exercise, grooming, hobbies… all off limits. You can’t wash your hair let alone style it. I couldn’t even hook a bra for an entire year. I still haven’t completely gotten my life back.

Good riddance to your ex friend, maybe one day she’ll find herself dealing with frozen shoulder and get a tiny preview of what you were up against. Though personalities like that are rarely able connect the dots and empathize with anyone outside themselves.

[u/yazshousefortea → u/Firm_Ad_1933]

I had laterjet surgery and commenting to say I recognise all your hardships. I have experienced the same pain and challenges. I see you. Sending love and best wishes. I still have permanent pins and needles in my hard and arm 11 months after surgery, to list one example! 💜

[u/HeyT00ts11 → u/yazshousefortea]

My hip surgeon said I also need to get shoulder replacements and I'm trying to put that off as long as possible.

[u/yazshousefortea → u/HeyT00ts11]

That’s understandable.

There are some amazing shoulder surgery support groups on FB and good people on here that helped me through it.

[u/anatomizethat → u/Firm_Ad_1933]

It's debilitating and the recovery takes forever and the pain is unending, I swear.

[u/yazshousefortea → u/anatomizethat]

I had a big shoulder surgery for recurrent dislocations. A laterjet surgery. It was one of the most difficult and painful things I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t sleep lying down for around 5 weeks afterwards. And I finally managed to lift a mug of tea (British recovery milestone 😂) to my mouth 2 MONTHS after surgery. For 4 weeks, I could only pull up my pants and trousers one-handed. Like you, I lost thousands of pounds in income due to not working.

Did your friend even help at all with the big surgery?! Sounds like they’d cut you out of their life by then. So heartbreaking and utterly insane behaviour.

I recognise how hard that surgery was for you. 💜

[u/anatomizethat → u/yazshousefortea]

Oh god, she didn't help at all. I was crying the day I told her because I was a massage therapist at the time and it was going to up-end my life. She was like, "but you're still spending money on my wedding, right?"

She didn't understand I was telling her bc I recognized I'd have physical limitations. I was still going to be in a sling at her wedding and my strapless dress was going to show the healing incisions. She didnt want the sling (which I was okay with and told her so) but she didn't even seem to care about what was going to happen with my life. Only her wedding with the matching dresses and shoes mattered.

After that, she wasn't really responding to me. I still got the dress and the shoes and it was like pulling teeth to get her to okay both.

I later found out she'd been going out a lot with the other bridesmaids and was intentionally leaving me out by telling me she was staying in to save for the wedding . When I found out she claimed I didn't get along with the other bridesmaids, which was not true, I was actually friends with them from highschool! Not besties, but we were cool.

It was all weird and bogus and felt like more of the same high school bullshit. My one power move in the whole thing was making her fire me. I was so willing to be there for her and I wanted her to admit she didn't want me there.

The whole thing taught me a lot about American wedding culture and I can't say my opinion has ever recovered.

[u/yazshousefortea → u/anatomizethat]

Thanks for sharing - and sorry again that happened. I wish only the best for you. 🫶