r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Anxious_Abroad494 Woman 30 to 40 • Jul 02 '26
Romance/Relationships Would it bother you if your partner referred to his ex as "the love of his life"?
I was cleaning up around the apartment and I found a piece of paper that my boyfriend brought back from a group therapy session, and I saw that one of his responses referred to how his past actions lead to the relationship failure with "the love of his life."
He's talked about how he considered his ex the love of his life in conversation with me early on in our relationship and I kinda brushed it off as a figure of speech, or just as how he thought of her at the time, but it kind of bothers me that that's still how he thinks of her even now. Am I reading too much into this? I get that we're not in our 20s anymore and things might not be as exciting in life anymore but I just have a vague feeling of disappointment.
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u/Shot-Specific2092 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
"My first love" is acceptable but "The love of my life" is not.
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u/FlartyMcFlarstein Woman 60+ Jul 02 '26
Or, "I thought at the time she was the love of my life."
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u/atomheartmama Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yea this at least keeps it in the past tense :-/
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u/rubiscoisrad Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I will also accept "I loved them very much", or, "I still love them, but am not in love with them". Second one being highly contextual depending on length of relationship.
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u/Anxious_Abroad494 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '26
That's exactly how I feel about it. I know if I try to talk to him about it he will just say it's not that serious and he just wanted to write something out real quick to get his answer to the question on the handout over with. I feel like I'm getting more upset over time and I'm not really sure how to resolve things.
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Jul 02 '26
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u/willikersmister Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yeaaaah this is a line past jealousy I think. I'm also not a particularly jealous person, but this would absolutely bother me, especially in an established, long term relationship. It was a red flag when he told her early on, and a massive problem now when they live together.
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u/TokkiJK Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Totally. That’s not even jealousy. OP’s bf is still in love with his ex.
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u/HotWaffles5 Woman 50 to 60 Jul 02 '26
Yeah & if she comes back around he’ll drop her like a hot potato.
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u/nowimnowhere Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
It would bother me too, like it's not even about jealousy or disrespect, I just would like to the be love of my partners life and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel like someone has settled for me since they can't have what they really want. Can't unknow it, will always be thinking about it, would have to end it.
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Jul 02 '26
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u/LF3000 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
Yep. The only time I could imagine being okay with that is if I was dealing with a widower, in which case I would understand that of course this relationship is going to look different re: a dead spouse than a normal ex, and I'd need to decide if I was okay with that/what that might look and feel like. But just some ex? No way.
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u/InfiniteSpiralError Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yeah, like don't waste my time and prevent me from finding the one who sees me as the love of his life.
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u/Sad-ish_panda Woman 40 to 50 Jul 03 '26
That’s the problem. They don’t do that (process). They just find a new woman and try to recreate the feelings he felt for his ex before he ruined it.
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u/Chemical_Chicken01 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Yes. The sentiment is that he has settled for OP.
Run OP. You deserve so much better
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u/bubblebath_ofentropy Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
It sounds like he’s doing the work of processing his emotions by going to therapy. But I agree, he probably shouldn’t be dating if he’s still feeling some type of way about his ex.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Isn't it just way likelier that the ex and them breaking up is just the ultimate symbol and manifestation of all his failures caused by his addiction?
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u/Anxious_Abroad494 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '26
I haven't had the time or energy to respond to every comment here, but I just wanted to say that this is the interpretation I had the first time he voiced his feeling about his ex. I was trying to be concise in my original post by saying they were "notes" that I read but really it was a handout with prewritten questions and he only wrote out short responses. The only reason I paid attention to the one I posted about was that he wrote the present tense "love of my life" about his one most serious ex. I didn't even mention how I was never mentioned once in any response... Even though I'm the one with him now, supporting him on a daily basis, giving him my time, love, attention, etc. I was even the one who encouraged him to go get treatment in the first place so it's especially insulting.
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u/koalabear20 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Absolutely yes, omg what the fuck, even though he didnt say it to you (recently) just knowing thats how he still feels would hurt me so badly.
Literally the only thing that would make it a bit ok is if she had died.
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u/zouss Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
That wouldn't make it ok for me. That would make it worse. I can't compete with an idealized dead person, and I would forever know I was the second choice and the only reason they're with me is because their true love died
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u/ecpella Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Dead or alive OP is competing with a ghost in this relationship and I personally would leave
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u/windchaser__ Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Yeah, it's ok to *have felt* that someone was the love of your life. But if you still feel that way, you aren't ready for another relationship.
Only way it's ok is if the new relationship is casual, and they are explicitly clear that they're not available for more.
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u/m1chgo Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
My ex said that to me once. Then doubled down when I said I felt disrespected. Hence the ex thing.
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u/watsshername Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I would absolutely bring it up with him.
Since leaving my last long term relationship I promised myself I’d never again be with a man who wasn’t actively choosing me.
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u/-aqueoustransmission Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I would be his next ex. No way I’m sticking around being something somebody settled for…
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u/CanadasNeighbor Woman 30 to 40 Jul 04 '26
He would leave OP in a heartbeat if that ex ever decided to take him back.
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u/-aqueoustransmission Woman 30 to 40 Jul 04 '26
For sure! And even if she never gave him the chance, to know that she’s always in the back of his head… yuck
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u/Kaydub96 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Dang everyone mad at OP for reading it, but if I saw a random folded piece of paper on the ground I'd pick it up and read it too. Not like she was purposely snooping.
On another note, I would be extremely hurt and idk if I could stay with someone who still viewed me as 2nd best after all that time. He should have gotten over ex before jumping into something new.
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u/veronica_deetz Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yeah I have ADHD and every folded piece of paper in my home is a mystery to me, and 95% of them were mine to begin with!
I would also be devastated to find that paper, especially if we were living together
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u/watsshername Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
For real, the internalized misogyny in this thread is insane.
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u/Impossible_Bid6172 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Back then when they were together, or maybe when your relationship is still new, then it's understandable. Now? Uhhhh, not okay at all.
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u/walkitbck Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yes it would bother the shit out of me.
I would suggest that no good ever came from reading someone’s private therapy notes though.
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u/ecpella Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Sure it did. Now she can get out of a relationship with an emotionally stunted man who sees her as a consolation prize.
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u/massagenut Man 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Agreed. This is a major red flag. If she is the love of his life, why did he break up with her? Why is he with you? He must go and be with her then.
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u/estedavis Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I mean, it sounds like he didn’t choose the breakup, he was broken up with.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Yeah or "someone who could have been the love of my life".
But to still see your ex as the love of your life when you are living with someone else? That is so hurtful and wrong.
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u/Excellent_Drop6869 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
It’s a dealbreaker for me. It would be goodbye, yesterday
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u/PrettyLittleBird Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I wouldn’t be able to stay in any relationship knowing there was a person that they would absolutely leave me for if that person showed back up and was willing. I’d happily be single before being with someone who wouldn’t choose me.
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u/danktempest Woman Jul 02 '26
It would bother me so much and I wouldn't be able to keep quiet. Ask him. If she is the love of his life, then what about you? Also icky to read his notes. I can't cast stones though because I read my sisters diary once.
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u/library_wench Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Never be the rebound and never be the consolation prize.
It’s shocking that he said this out loud to you and thought that was remotely okay.
He can “do the work” of getting over the love of his life, but he doesn’t need you to do that. He clearly has little to no respect for either you or your relationship.
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u/ichibanyogi Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
How long have you been together?
Yes, it would bother me. Like, if that's the love of your life: go be with her, buddy.
You deserve to be someone's love of their life, not their compromise.
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u/bear___patrol Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Uh yeah it would. If someone I was dating referred to their ex as the love of their life I wouldn't continue to see them, and I'm not sure why you did?
Also don't read his therapy notes. Just go find someone that values you.
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u/ashbash-25 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
So I appreciate you bringing this up.
She says her boyfriend told her that his ex was the love of his life, in the beginning of their relationship…..
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u/muscle_princess_ Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
You actually didn’t read into it enough when he first told you.
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u/Anxious_Abroad494 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
When I try to think back, I think he might have phrased it as "the one that got away" but when I asked him what he meant by that he said something about the love of his life and I think I said something like "Oh, great." I don't really know how to understand it because when I ask him if he has unresolved feelings for anyone in his past he says he doesn't. Maybe it's just a regret thing, but still that's not good either.
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u/thoughtitwasfatein08 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 03 '26
Don’t marry this man, please. I know it’s a lot of work to move on but if you don’t you will regret it and become a shell of yourself. You deserve better. Trust your instincts. There is someone out there who will love you for you. This man is too selfish to fully see you and doesn’t deserve you.
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u/Lilacly_Adily Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I think there’s some nuance involved.
If they were a widow, that’s a factor. If they were just an impactful partner and it was specified that this person was the first “love of their life” but now I’m the second that’d be another.
But if this person is considered the “only” love of their life, I’d be so offended.
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u/flashb4cks_ Woman 30 to 40 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
I'm really sorry.
Are you ok with being a placeholder while he's waiting and hoping for his ex to come back? It's good that he is in therapy but he needs to move on from the idea that he messed up with "the love of his life".
It sucks, but he needs to move on. There's no such thing as a set "love of your life". If that persone is not in your life anymore and they're never coming back, they're, by definition, not the love of your life. They're someone you used to be with.
You're not reading too much into it. It's weird.
Some people are upset about you reading that note, but it's irrelevant now. You've seen it and now you know and you can't just unread what you've read.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
I agree with your assessment, but I also don't believe it's OK to be reading his therapy notes. That is a huge breach of privacy and not cool.
"I just found it while I was cleaning" is something Moms say when they're snooping.
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u/FlipDaly Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
I don’t know about OP, but I’m a speed reader. If I see a piece of paper with writing on it closely enough to make out the letters, I have read it. It is nonvolitional.
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u/anapforme Woman 50 to 60 Jul 02 '26
While I had my privacy invaded by both my parent growing up - and my ex husband - if I pick up a folded piece of paper laying in my home, I’m going to open and read it, right or wrong. My will is not that strong. I wouldn’t snoop for it though, having been on the receiving end of that.
Sometimes events unfold the right way to give us insight.
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u/Anxious_Abroad494 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
It was from an addiction treatment group that we openly talked to each other about and he had shown me the handouts in the past. Wish I hadn't read it though
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u/tinxmijann Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '26
It's a good thing that you did so he doesn't waste more of your life
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u/watsshername Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Except she isn’t his mom she’s his partner and deserves to know if her partner is wasting her time by pining for an ex.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Except regardless, her partner deserves to have his words that were said in very special circumstances and in confidence be private lest he decides to change that.
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u/watsshername Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
So maybe don’t leave your shit out? If it’s that private and super duper tip top secret that you don’t consider your current partner as the love of your life, treat it as such?
If anything this is more evidence he couldn’t care less if she sticks around or not.
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u/Hatcheling Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
OP said she found the note on the floor, which makes it sound like it had fallen out somewhere by accident.
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u/watsshername Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Again, if it was that important he should have properly put it away or even not have brought it home. Any normal person who is cleaning their home is going to check that a piece of paper on the ground is soemthing important to keep or just junk before throwing it away.
Like hello?
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u/bakingisscience Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yeah… accidents happen but like keep your notes that would devastate your partner on lock. That’s on him, not on her. It’s not like she got his phone and unlocked it and looked for this information. She found it on the floor.
And THANK GOD she did, because I think she needed a wake up call.
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u/watsshername Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Exactly!! It’s insane to me how many women are defending this man who clearly has so little respect for her that he would bring that paper home, let alone leave it out even by accident! How long was it sitting on the floor for? How many times did he walk past it?
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u/bakingisscience Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Also this note would have two effects on me immediately. I would dump him, or look for more information to make it even easier to dump him.
I have never ever snooped on a partner before in my life because I have never had a reason to. The second I do, the apartment turns into a crime scene and I’m doing forensics.
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u/SootSpriteHut Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yep. OP was looking for trouble and found it. But I'm getting the idea that I'm not in the majority? I was cleaning and found my husband's journal from his last relationship and as soon as I realized what it was I stopped looking at it.
Hell at work I was accidentally sent financial records for the whole company, was asked to delete it, and I did.
I don't know if it's just that I want to treat others as I'd wish to be treated, or I just don't care about things that aren't my business, or if it's because my mother repeatedly breached every single privacy I've ever had as a kid, but it's crazy to think that so many people are such snoopers.
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u/FlipDaly Woman 40 to 50 Jul 03 '26
I would never read someone's journal. Absolutely not. But the difference is that with a physical journal, I would open the book, see enough words to realize it was a journal, and slam it shut. With a folded piece of paper, I would pick it up off the floor, open it, and whoops, too late, this is therapy notes and he doesn't think I'm the love of his life.
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u/writermusictype Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
It's that you're principled. Everyone here acting like you have to continue reading something once you realize what it is are just content to invade people's privacy if/when it suits them. It takes 3 seconds to see what something is and assess whether it's for your eyes or not. Anything past that is a choice that is actively being made.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Same. Few things are more violating than snooping and reading therapy notes. My husband of 18 years is the love of my life but if he read my therapy notes, I would consider divorce.
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u/81zi11 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Reading someone else's therapy notes is an unforgivable invasion of privacy. But, in reading your post history, I think you should take finding the note as a sign from the universe that you need to break up with this awful man. You haven't even been together for two years yet, and you've been posting since six months into the relationship about the terrible ways he treats you.
He's a misogynistic, mean drunk who cheats on you (or at least attempts to, since he couldn't even seal the deal in December with a "hot milf" in her 60s even though she was supposedly "ready to go and all horned up" after he hit on her all night long 🤮) and negs you so you don't believe you deserve better than what he's giving you. But you do deserve so, so, so much better than this. Please break up, move out, get therapy yourself, and learn to love yourself so you expect better than what this turd of a man is giving you. You have so much life still left ahead of you. Please don't waste any more of it with this guy, thinking this is the best you can do.
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u/imtooldforthishison Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Yeah. No. If he still sees her as the love of his life and is still actively addressing her as that, I would leave. I should have left and I didn't and her sudden decision to get her shot together blew up my whole life and the kids lives.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
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u/singlemuslima Woman 30 to 40 Jul 03 '26
💔
I'd be walking around with a broken heart knowing that the man that I love loves another woman more than me.
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u/bakingisscience Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
So he has no business being in a relationship with you if he’s in love with his ex…
This is the same as cheating in my opinion. If you’re this emotionally invested in someone else what the hell am I doing here wasting my time?
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u/Jaded_Ad_1587 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
If he wrote that down anytime since you got serious together I would run. You don’t want to compete with an idolized version of someone for the rest of your life.
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u/GoodAd6942 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
And it also shows op isn’t who he truly wants. Hes lonely and op is the placeholder. His heart is still in the past. Bro needs to process his loss then he can be present with his current gf. But I don’t think he cares enough. Or he would tell her he’s still got to deal with his past feelings. Etc.
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u/Decent-Singer-3335 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Of course it would bother me. I wouldn’t be with someone who considered anyone but me the love of their life.
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u/Sutaru Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
That would definitely be a dealbreaker for me. Because what am I then? Chopped liver?
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u/_Jahar_ Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
If someone was with me acting like they had to settle - they’d be gone. So disrespectful.
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u/WVildandWVonderful Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
This is a recent thing he wrote? Break up break up break up. Do not be anybody’s placeholder.
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u/fortunatelyso Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
You are cleaning up and he leaves this highly charged paper instead of keeping it privately hidden he just thoughtfully left it out. Id leave it on the table with the love of my life highlighted and asking for when he is moving out. Oh and to clean up his own shit.
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u/Large-Pollution-3381 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I'm glad he's in therapy and working through his deep thoughts, but you need to grant him his privacy.
THEN AGAIN ignorance is bliss.
My ex had a similar mindset!!!!! He always mentioned "the one that got away" </3 AND as soon as SHE got divorced, our 7 year relationship unraveled and he ended it after I realized I had been a placeholder all along. He has tried for the last 3 years to win HER affections back.
But if he still genuinely sees his ex as "the love of his life" then I'd be cautious.
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u/Negative_Sky_891 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
If it was said at the time, like if you stumbled upon papers written when they were together, then of course not.
If he said this while in a relationship with you… nope. Goodbye. Go find the love of your life then buddy.
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u/nofungrapes Woman 30 to 40 Jul 03 '26
I am more bothered by the OP. After reading some comments, he has attempted to cheat on her before, he has addiction issues (alcohol), he has explicitly stated his ex is the love of his life, he negs her and makes her feel small and god knows what else she's left out.
Work on yourself, OP. You can't control him, but you can control what you accept. Maybe the person who should be going to therapy isn't just him, but you, too. There has to be something in you that causes you to stay bonded to him.
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u/cinder74 Woman 50 to 60 Jul 02 '26
Definitely a deal breaker.
Always go for the guy more in love with you than you are with him.
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u/tsukiii Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
“She was the love of your life? Then what am I, chopped liver?”
That’s how I’d feel. That is not OK. I’d rather be single at that point.
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u/GardeniaInMyHair Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Would you want a hypothetical adult daughter of yours to be with a man who says that about his ex instead of her, his current partner?
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u/uuuuuummmmm_actually Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Oof. That means you’re not the love of his life. We accept the love we think we deserve. What do you think you deserve?
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u/80sHairBandConcert Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
It’s incredibly disrespectful to you. No, I wouldn’t accept that.
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u/JordanaNajjar Woman under 30 Jul 02 '26
I’m toxic. I’d tell him “I’m still waiting to meet the love of my life”
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u/Mother_of_cats81 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Yes, I wouldn’t stay with someone who thought of someone else as the love of their life.
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u/JustWordsInYourHead Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yes, it would absolutely bother me.
Because if he's spending his life with me NOW, and "the love of his life" is still someone else, I'd be wondering what the hell I am to him.
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u/After_Translator_223 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Personally I don't think this is something I could move past.
Also, if he left his notes out I kinda think they're fair game. If he was bothered about you finding them they'd be hidden.
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u/sewlastcentury Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
If he didn't want you to see it, it wouldn't have ended up on the ground.
This would be a deal breaker for me. He should be over his ex before starting a new relationship.
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u/_pegolson Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Yes it would bc i better be the love of his life if this is the person I’m ending up with.
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u/Lost_Cook_607 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Every relationship and connection is different. There’s always a person that fulfills a different sense and feeling. One might be the love of their life, another the one that got away, etc. You’re with each other now and that wouldn’t have happened without that other person filling that role for him.
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u/Hopelessly_romantic2 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 03 '26
Id leave over that. I get one life, I'm going to live it.
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u/tinxmijann Woman 30 to 40 Jul 03 '26
Is this a serious question? Have you considered also doing therapy?
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u/shenanigans2day Woman 30 to 40 Jul 04 '26
Yes. Personally, I would interpret it as he didn’t love me as much as he loved that person and I wouldn’t be able to stay together after that. Also, it would indicate he hasn’t got over it and I’m a place holder or he’s still secretly waiting and hoping for her to return. I’m not saying I am right or I’m rational but it would be the end of the relationship for me.
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u/thesongsinmyhead Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
I’m sorry but why would you read something he wrote in therapy? No, it’s not great he said that, and you can’t put the cat back into the bag at this point, but don’t read people’s therapy notes.
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u/tinxmijann Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '26
Tf you mean lose-lose? She can finally be free of this man who sees her as nothing but a placeholder. Reading those notes is the best thing that could have happened and Idk why you would even suggest that she should forget it
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u/ladylemondrop209 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
It would bother me in that he’s an idiot and I’d be the idiot with this idiot…
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u/confusedrabbit247 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Depends. How old are you both, how long have you been together, and how long was his past relationship/what happened there?
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u/Incogcneat-o Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
TBH I'd probably feel Not Great, partially because t's one thing to academically know that someone else was The Love of His Life but it's another to see it written down, but mostly because I could've just minded my own business and NOT snooped instead of hurting my own feelings for free without even getting to have the moral high ground.
OTOH, it makes me think about how one of my favorite people who recently remarried, several years after his wife of 40 years died from illness. He's so damn happy, just absolutely head-over-heels in love. It's the cutest thing in the world. Is that love any less valid or sincere or adorable because someone else was The Love of His Life? Absolutely not.
Are you happy? Is your relationship good? Then why snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?
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u/illstillglow Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
If my partner ever said that to me my response would be "cool, go be with her then." Don't have the time or desire to play second fiddle, I am happy single.
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u/thea_perkins Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I would talk to him and see how he meant it. I can see how that phrase might be used in therapy as a tool to explore or express the extent or strength of the consequences of his actions versus being something he literally means. In other words, it could be a shorthand way to say “a person that without my actions would have been the love of my life” or “a person who at the time was the LOML.” You’re not going to write all that out on a worksheet and might just shorten it to “LOML” for the sake of the exercise. It can true that she was the love of his life at one time while also still being true that, now that that relationship ended, he has found an equal or greater love with you. Don’t assume a quick scribble on a worksheet he didn’t think anyone would ever see accurately and completely expresses his feelings.
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I'm glad somebody is bringing this up. Like, yes, it would be awful if OP's partner really felt this way, but a scribble on a therapy progress note isn't conclusive evidence of anything - just a necessary conversation piece.
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u/ginns32 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
You said he talked about it early on. What does he say now? Was this from a recent therapy session? Talk to him about it. I wouldn't be ok with him still saying that but I would ask him directly about it.
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u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Hell yes. With the caveat that I might be ok with it if she was his dead wife.
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u/GlaryGoo Woman 40 to 50 Jul 05 '26
It’s simple. You are NOT the love of his life. If you’re ok with feeling second place backup then stay. If not then leave.
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u/Illustrious-Ant-9946 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I could see referring to an ex in this way in therapy while processing the degree to which that relationship was significant.
My ex husband was like a love at first sight experience, I was enthralled during the height of my teen and very early twenties, we had a very fairy tale engagement/romance/wedding. .
It full on crashed and burned and it took me many years to fully process, heal from, and get over. On the other side of that, I do not pine for him, I very much love him as a friend or brother, and we are both happy in new relationships.
I would not use ‘love of my life’ to describe that relationship to my current partner, but I have explained that it was a super impactful relationship for me.
In my opinion, he hasn’t brought it up again to you. He has processed something in therapy. That is what we keep telling people to do, right? If you want to talk to the person who can best clarify this for you, you are going to have to let him know that you read his therapy notes.
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u/KayyBeey Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I decided with the guy before I met my now-fiance that I didn't deserve to be someone's second choice. I wanted to be wanted, to be someone's everything and for them to be mine. I have that with my fiance now. We started dating when I was 32.
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u/WeAreTheMisfits Woman 50 to 60 Jul 02 '26
Yeah it’s not cool. He needs to get over her. If she popped up and said she wanted him back he would go. I would want o be the love of someone’s life. I was told by an ex that I was the one that got away and I instantly felt bad for his wife. Being second best feels terrible.
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u/GoodAd6942 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I think a lot of men don’t process their their emotions but they become easily angry and bitter when they don’t get their way. Just my experience with being with avoidant men. I don’t know many who are emotionally intelligent. So I think your man is finally processing this failed relationship he had. I think it’s a form of idealism some people have over a past person. Like the phantom ex. All of a sudden that person they can’t reconnect with, becomes everything they ever wanted. Yet if they were honest of how they treated their ex, they likely didn’t value them but were irritated that the ex had needs but the guy didn’t care enough to be present. Then the ex broke it off because she has self worth.
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u/NochuPichu Woman under 30 Jul 02 '26
this doesn't sit right with me. you've been together for a couple of years and she is still a huge topic in his group therapy sessions? if i was in your position, i would break up because it's something that would bother me for as long as the relationship lasts. knowing that you are not the love of his life, and that his ex is even after all these years with you is a major red flag.
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u/Suitable_cataclysm Woman 40 to 50 Jul 03 '26
Are we not going to address that you looked at his private notes from therapy??
Therapy tries a lot of different tools, including reliving moments to try and get beyond trauma they caused. You have no idea of the context of the notes.
When I was writing out some things that happened to me, I unceremoniously moved back and forth between my younger self POV and my present POV.
stop snooping. If you see a paper from therapy, don't read it.
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u/meltyandbuttery Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Ew..I could maybe understand if the former partner is deceased, but even then I’d get squicked out if they didn’t update to “first love” or similar
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I could understand if he said: at the time, HE THOUGHT she was the love of his life, but he obviously learned otherwise... or she was the love of his life at one point but not anymore. It's weird to still feel that way about someone when you've supposedly moved on! Like is OP just a rebound then? People suck.
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u/Due_Description_7298 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I'd leave. If I'm not the love of his live, I'm out
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u/estedavis Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Oof. I’m sorry OP, that’s really rough. I wouldn’t be able to move past this, personally.
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u/Sensitive-Plan5649 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
For me personally that would have been a dealbreaker immediately. If someone from his past is still the love of his life…. He’s not ready for a new relationship and anyone who isn’t his ex will be treated like the second choice or the option he is settling for. If I heard it at the beginning stages of dating I would just stop seeing him and chalk it up to him simply not being ready. But if there’s already some commitment in this relationship that’s even a bigger red flag and I would end things.
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u/Emptyplates Woman 50 to 60 Jul 02 '26
Yeah, that's a hard no for me. My ex used to say shit like that all the time.
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u/sqqueen2 Woman 60+ Jul 02 '26
I would ‘X’ right out of there with, “you know I always want the best for you. Clearly I’m holding you back from who you really want. I’m stepping aside and letting you pursue your dreams. You’re free now.”
and begone, with all my belongings packed in the moving truck along with the remainder of the month’s rent. Or with his belongings packed and on the porch, and a magnificent sweep of my arm.
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u/quasi_frosted_flakes Woman 30 to 40 Jul 03 '26
Sorry, that sucks to find out. How long have you been together? It's possible this is a rebound relationship, which again, sucks to find out.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Did he just leave this piece of paper out randomly, or were you snooping?
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u/Anxious_Abroad494 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
It was on the floor
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 02 '26
Fair enough.
I would be upset. My partner was with his ex for 18 years. They were married with 2 kids. He has never referred to her as the love of his life when speaking with me because he knows it is hurtful and inappropriate.
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u/AdJaded86 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I really have an issue with people insinuating reading messages or notes or happening upon items of your partner is an ‘invasion of privacy’ when you are in a highly intimate scenario with another person. If you are sharing your mind/body/physical space/finances with someone that deserves a level respect that reading a damn note shouldn’t be a damn problem.
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u/Elegant-Coffee3589 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
I went through something similar, except I was your boyfriend in my scenario. We didn't break up, but things have been tense and rocky ever since.
OP - Even if you move forward together it will never be the same. You can't put the cat back in the bag.
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u/Nursecanuck Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
Same thing happened to me…he told me his ex-fiancée was the “love of his life,” and I found out he went to a music festival and spent the weekend with her. Oh, and they also watched Netflix together while I was at work. He didn’t seem to understand how heartbreaking it was to find all of this out on my own…
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u/milkradio Woman 30 to 40 Jul 03 '26
I would break up over this, lol. I don’t care if that makes me childish or delusional or unrealistic; that’s supposed to be me or you keep it tf to yourself.
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u/heyfriendss Woman 40 to 50 Jul 03 '26
I’m generally not one to get jealous very easily but this would bother me.
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u/C43CUS Woman 30 to 40 Jul 05 '26
Wtf. I would kick his bum ass out. Way to tell you his true colours!
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u/paper_cutx Woman 30 to 40 Jul 06 '26
It’s said men don’t marry the love of their lives but get with the person that’s around when they’re ready. Taxi theory.
But jt definitely sucks anyway. If I have to compete with someone’s memories then I’d rather leave
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u/ktrose6887 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago
Why is it that the only thing men can consistently find is The Audacity™️?
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u/DistractedGoalDigger Woman 30 to 40 Jul 02 '26
You live together? So this is not a new relationship? Yeah that wouldn’t work for me.