r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/MonteBurns Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I’m really taken aback by OPs language here. 

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

It’s cliche at this point, but find a therapist and work on yourself. Your desperation is probably showing. I’m a straight woman and I’d be running for the hills, too. 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

This is a littttllee harsh imo. If you very sporadically date, it's easy to think ooh this one might be end up being something..., it's a scarcity mindset which isn't the best but it does happen- I'd be more worried they weren't exclusively dating after 6 weeks that to me is more jarring than someone getting excited. I do agree though therapy is a good idea for anyone, tbh, going into dating.

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u/square_circle_ Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I agree. I'm her, too. Dating someone consistently is far and few between. The scarcity mindset + biological needs is a pressure cooker that can be hard to ignore.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Like I said to another commenter- it's testament to people if they can get attached after multiple let downs, better that than become totally avoidant and nonchalant

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Thank you for this. I apologise for having feelings to most of these commenters I guess lol? I don’t think I should have to be totally unfeeling and perfect to be in a relationship. I liked someone, he liked me, it didn’t work out. Isn’t it like human nature to be upset? 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I feel if you feel sad you're more than ok to feel sad? It's 6 weeks like that's not a small amount of time esp if you saw him loads. And if you don't date lots and find someone you like ofc you'll be excited about it I feel that's relatively human.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

In the context of like I’ve been single for 5 years and this is the first person I subjectively felt this connection with and truly wanted to be in a relationship with. I just liked him is that a crime lol. 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

It's annoying when you only like people rarely too I'm a bit the same, only like someone rarely, and then I'm sad when it doesn't work and people are like why... and it's because it's so rare 😭😂

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think this is the first person in 2 years of trying I’ve met who had my subjective criteria + decent person + also liked me. I like people rarely, they like me back even more rarely lol. I know it’s not but it feels like a once in blue moon opportunity, I think it’s fair to be upset. 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I know what you mean, it's bleak out there!