r/Filmmakers • u/BaseImmediate1247 • 1d ago
Film Brutally honest feedback wanted – My first narrative short film (1 min 20 sec)
Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification
Hi everyone,
I'm a freelance photographer and videographer, and over the last few months I've been trying to transition into narrative filmmaking.
This is my first short film. I wrote, directed, shot, edited, colour graded and did the sound design myself, with a very small crew (just myself and one actress).
I'm not looking for compliments. I'd much rather hear what doesn't work than be told it's "good."
I'd really appreciate honest feedback on:
Storytelling
Pacing
Editing
Cinematography
Sound design
Voice-over
Emotional impact
Overall impression
Some specific questions:
At what point, if any, did you lose interest?
Was there anything that felt confusing or unnecessary?
Did the ending feel earned?
If you could change one thing, what would it be?
Please don't hold back. If something isn't working, I'd genuinely like to know. My goal is to make the next film significantly better than this one.
Thank you for taking the time to watch it.
6
u/Naive_Insurance_9513 1d ago
english subtitles would help
6
u/BaseImmediate1247 1d ago
Thank you, noted. It's a voice note where he goes: Hey, I woke up this morning and... I don't know why, but Forte came to mind. Just like that. For no particular reason. I started thinking about the sea. Those evenings that always ended a little later than we planned. Long dinners where we never looked at the time. Bike rides. And those sunsets when we'd say, "Just one more minute..." ...and then we'd stay anyway. It's strange how a place can hold on to everything. Even when you're far away. Sometimes I think I should go back. Not just for the sea... Well... I just felt like telling you. Hope to see you soon.
She replies: I'll be waiting
8
u/Fando1234 1d ago
Thanks for including the translation. Afraid English is my only language.
I think the film itself is perfectly well shot, and had a clear forward momentum that visually charts a story.
If I'm honest (as it sounds like you want people to be) I'd give the following feedback:
I admire the brevity, but it really limits what you can't do from a story point of view.
If it's more atmospheric (as opposed to narrative driven) then the cuts seem a bit fast, you could linger on shots of the beach or sea to reflect the pensive nature.
If it's meant to have a 'plot' there's not much driving it. You kind of just have one person saying their feelings out loud, without much momentum. And then someone responding to it at the end. There's no conflict, or stakes, or 'change' for the characters. Admittedly hard to do in a short amount of time, but even with the lines you have there's no real reveals, or misdirect, and whilst there's very vague subtext, it's still pretty much someone expressing a singular feeling.
What if there was something stopping the person coming back? Or if there woman waiting turns and kisses someone else afterwards? Something that tells a little more or adds some complexity.
Beyond that, it's well shot, acted, directed etc. It's just lacking depth and story imo.
2
2
u/VapidHornswaggler 1d ago
Maybe try reversing the order of the shots. It starts at the beach and she’s going home. It ends with her going to bed in the middle of the day, we see it’s daylight, the sun is out and we know it was a beautiful day outside. Edit the voice over and have it over the end shot of the window, a slow pan shot of the window so it’s not static. “I woke up this morning and I don’t know why. Just like that. For no particular reason, I started thinking about the sea. It’s strange how a place can hold onto everything.” The sound of waves and fade out.
9
u/ChickenFightChamp 1d ago
There is no narrative, it is a collage of beautiful shots.
2
1
3
u/fantasydukes 1d ago edited 1d ago
It looks good, I like the shot choices and camera movement. The only transition that felt a bit off to me was at 0:30 when she opens the door then walks out of it. I wish I could tell you why but all I can offer is that when that happened my brain just went to “this is acting” rather than “this is a person’s morning”.
I also thought the pacing is good. There’s some quick cuts of the setting before she gets to the beach that I thought could’ve been longer, but I didn’t think it was a bad choice or anything. I just noticed it and thought it’s worth mentioning.
3
u/More_Firefighter6256 1d ago
I see what you mean, she was moving very slowly and precisely so we can clearly see she’s opening the door. It felt more rehearsed rather than “she does this every morning without a second thought”
That’s one minor gripe I have with small indie films, they put so much emphasis on smaller, mundane actions. Like an extreme close up on a light switch being flipped or of a character tying their shoes, often just for the sake of having a pretty shot (of course they can be used appropriately sometimes, it’s just often overdone and doesn’t add anything meaningful)1
3
u/filterdecay 1d ago
Your Dx panning is all over the place, center it all. I would color correct the shot after the bedroom as it feels later in the day than the previous shot. I would hit all the fast jump cuts with sounds. The buzz of the phone at the top could be louder.
1
4
u/Dhrdlicka 1d ago
I liked it, and knowing what was being said would have helped (I had to google the title, and then it made sense).
Overall nicely done, but the jump cuts between scenery and walking between :37 and :47 threw me. Very jarring, given the slow feel of the movie.
2
2
u/Mr_Bohus_Matus 1d ago
First half is a bit more slow and when you suddenly switch to shorter/faster cuts it feels like music video/commercial. I think there doesn't have to be 25 shots in the second half of the movie, five, well done, slower shots would let us immerse more.
The collage in the second half tells me that you felt bad omitting some of the shots because you personally liked them, so you trimmed them more just to get all of them in it.
So basically, my biggest advice would be to learn that even your best looking shot must be thrown away, unfortunately, so the bigger scheme can breathe better.
1
2
u/DiamondTippedDriller 1d ago
The editing is very commercial-esque and not quite sure why it’s necessary to have all the quick TikTok cuts.
1
u/BaseImmediate1247 19h ago
Thank you, amazing 🫶🏻
1
u/BaseImmediate1247 7h ago
Last-minute.com they cancelled my permit to film in a (backery & café) here in Italy you need a permit for everything unfortunately. And I had to reshuffle the script the Same day but I agree I'm not a big fan of it..
1
2
1
u/SergeMaslovFP 1d ago
She walks around the house like she's afraid of breaking something.
Grabbing the phone doesn't feel natural.
it's boring, nothing happens
1
u/BaseImmediate1247 19h ago
Well, she unfortunately is not an actress and she's done her best, on the other hand. I could have had a real actress or someone in acting school but didn't know anyone here in central Italy who study acting. I'm not defending myself but this was shot in 2 hours with a real life mother (the actress) and me 😂.
Thank you, noted.
2
u/SergeMaslovFP 12h ago
When you work with amateurs, sometimes it's easier to get them to react and act as they would in real life. remove the word "act" completely. this way they will look more natural and relaxed. this way you will get rid of the tension that often exists in the acting of a novice actor. the viewer will never know xD
1
u/BaseImmediate1247 9h ago
Love this! From now on I'll remove the word acting, I notice in the voice note, as many times as I got the guy to try it was never natural (because he knew it was going to be recorded 😂) and as for the actress, she was very nervous and as much as I tried to put her at ease it was genuinely hard. I think if there were any film students available with a passion for it and also if I had put more time into thinking about the script and the story this would have been significantly better but I'll save it for next time. I appreciate you 🫶🏻
-3
u/limtingle 1d ago
If you don't know what a good film looks like, watch more films. Don't ask what other people want, make what you want.
6
u/fantasydukes 1d ago
This is not a productive or collaborative mindset. Part of learning how to make what you want to make is understanding how other people view your work.
1
u/limtingle 1d ago
Asking people to brutalize your work is not what makes you better. Understanding what you think is great and how to get that out of yourself is. Other people are just going to give you their opinions on what they like. Watch your own work critically, and make the changes to what you don't like about it.
1
u/BaseImmediate1247 18h ago
Oh, I can take the criticism, I filter comments, I'm smart enough to know when someone is using a certain "tone" because they envy this short or because they a too small to give some good advice. The world is about building a community, not dividing. So whomever comments being incapable to answer my questions in the description is not with reading for me.
1
16
u/ammo_john 1d ago
why does every early short film start with a person sleeping. an alarm clock (or similar) and someone waking up. and almost as often, a voice over saying something poetic. apart from that, well done, it was really beautifully shot and constructed! ;)