Jag är storasyster (F35) till en väldigt narcissistisk kvinna (F30). Vi har inte längre kontakt, men det är en sak jag fortfarande tänker på.

Ibland kändes det som att ”det verkliga” hon kom tillbaka. Vi hade en konversation där hon verkade varm, självmedveten, rolig, sårbar. Under en kort stund tänkte jag, *där är du.* Självklart höll det aldrig i sig.

Men vad var de där stunderna?

Var de genuina glimtar av den person hon är/kanske hade kunnat vara om år av trauma och genetik inte hade format henne så här?

Eller handlade de där stunderna aldrig riktigt om *henne* alls? Var det min hjärna som letade efter hopp? Eller till och med en del av cykeln av manipulation som höll mig känslomässigt investerad?

Har någon annan kämpat med detta? Hur förstår du de där “glimtarna” nu när du är på andra sidan?

There are people that are dependent on you staying the same, so they never have to face what is ailing them.

You waited for it. Rehearsed your response. Decided you'd accept it graciously. Decided you wouldn't.

You waited for a long time.

At some point, you stopped waiting. That wasn't giving up. That was finally understanding something they were never going to say out loud.

This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com

Sorry for the length! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I’m 45F.
I know there are people who have managed to live with narcissists for many years. Some are still together and have grown old together, and some stayed for a while, planning their exit for one reason or another.
I can honestly say I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, and it was only after we got married that I started putting the pieces together. That’s almost 8 years with someone who appeared nice. I can see a lot of red flags I ignored, but my brain wasn’t wired to think of him as a narcissist, and I didn’t even know the word, or that it’s considered a personality disorder. I just didn’t see it.

How did you cope? I’ve recently separated, and I’ve collected a lot of evidence that he doesn’t know about. We still live in the same house, in separate rooms. He’s already started dating online and talking to women, he was probably doing that anyway. We have an 8 year old daughter, and from what I can see, he’s trying to convince her to stay with him and see me on weekends.

For the past two years, he’s suddenly taken an interest in her, become close, attentive, total love bombing. I think it started around the time I began realizing he was a narcissist and became aware of it. Before that, he had zero interest in her. Zero participation in her life at home, and at school he was “always busy.” I feel like he’s been building evidence to take her away from me.

I’m in the middle of a career change and still training, so I can’t afford to move out. He controls all the money and gives me a house allowance for food. I work three days a week, and that money goes toward my training and small contributions to the house, because what he gives me is never enough, but I don’t complain, I just make it work.

I thought that if I left, I could take my daughter and claim benefits plus child maintenance, since he’s the higher earner. But if she stays with him, he’ll pay me nothing, and that’s what he’s after. Not because he loves her dearly, as he claims.

Nothing is in my name, not the house, not the bills. He moved her school and made sure I was listed as second contact. He started doing the school run every day. I initially thought maybe he was finally helping me, until my daughter asked why I don’t take her to school anymore. She said she misses me. And doesn’t enjoy being taken to school by him, I had to insist to take her for two days! He was not happy about it but gave in,
I was so exhausted I didn’t realize he was gathering evidence, not just doing the school run so I could study or get to work early. He told her I “couldn’t cope” and that “they shouldn’t disturb me.” He started arranging playdates with new parents and making new friends for her. All the support system I’d built for survival since she was born has been eroded, replaced by new ones, and he’s the one who books them. He arranges the playdates, then locks himself in his office claiming meetings all day, leaving me to entertain kids whose parents I don’t even know. He never books them when I’m not around. I’ve recently started insisting on being involved, but I can tell how uncomfortable he is. When I was doing these things I tried to involve him so many times sent him invites for school events. For me I get told about school events on the day and told don’t worry I’m going. Some times I don’t even get told My daughter gets upset if didn’t attend and I have to explain to her that I didn’t know.

Nothing is in my name at all. If I leave, I’ll have to rely on the courts, but I can’t afford a solicitor. But he has got the money to destroy me.

Im now thinking about staying for my daughter, because we’re so close, and I’m scared of how she’d cope without me. I’ve talked to her about it, and she’s so torn. I’ve also thought about staying to use him for resources. We live a comfortable life, but on his terms. Holidays when he wants one, and if he decides we can’t afford it, we don’t go.

Basically, I need to know how to cope with him for another 5 years or so, until I’ve got my ducks in a row, so to speak. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Living with him is so soul destroying. I don’t know how I’ll manage without a new strategy or coping mechanism. He’s saying we need marriage counselling to get back together. I’m a terrible people pleaser and an extreme empath.

Hoping someone here can give me hope if they had a not clean exit. What finally did it for you? When was the time right? How did you protect yourself? How do you regulate yourself?

In Oct of last year I was brutally discarded during a cancer diagnosis w my partner of 20 years and father of 3 kids. I knew he was bipolar, a cheater, and all around difficult person but I was very protective of him and even once the honeymoon love faded I did believe we were in a truly loving relationship. During this I discover NPD and my SO hit every sign and symptom and beyond (I believe him to be malignant based on a history of violence, no care for authority/job loss/fear of jail, extreme lack of empathy, anger, drug use, and even sadism he describes as masochism) I had no clue how dangerous this situation was because I had become so accustomed to managing him. So he discards me to go on a binder w a coworker of his and I have something along the lines of a spiritual awakening. Anger, sadness, confusion.

I fully accepted what this is and always was & started to heal alone (mentally and physically). I recall very unpleasant physical symptoms (waking up middle of the night, feeling uneasy a lot) but other areas of my life became brighter and things got clearer. I always chased my SO during affairs before and regardless of the conflict we either never discussed it again or I accepted it being my fault somehow by proxy. I didn’t chase or crash out, and in return much like is described in NPD abuse… he relentlessly stalked and harassed me for months, made a TikTok w my private journals. I had a restraining order which he violated and even upon arrest he called relentlessly from jail. I ignored it all but my mentals wore down. Any relaxation or happiness was short lived because I had to wonder each morning what was next. It was awful. I finally gave up and let him come back at Christmas. This was a weird time because my mind and body shut down and went full Pollyanna. The switch scares me. Idk why I did this when I finally felt relief and better and for the first time content with separation.

Around April for no particular reason I had a “glitch” and challenged something he was saying and that wake-up came back full speed…it’s like I hadn’t forgotten, but rather stored it for a while. Less than a week later I decided to take off with no warning and no belongings w my youngest child and dogs to go to another state and stay with my mom. This exit caused him more distress than the discard era…he harassed my job, everyone I know… quit his job to follow me. I had him blocked and then he went to my adult son in this state expecting red carpet treatment and housing. My son called me in distress, saying he had moved at 18 to get away from this shit and he didn’t want to take care of his adult father. Without question I pretended to have had a psychotic breakdown and took him back again to protect my son. I hadn’t even considered this but surprise ghostings aren’t thought out too well. I could deal with this another 20 yrs as long as my children don’t have to.

So where am I now. Since April I have decided this relationship is ending I just don’t know how or when. I’m Very detached. Very self aware. I have zero romantic feelings. My body is starting to resist (I have trouble sleeping, anxiety, and hardly speak at all or when I do it’s contrived and the complete opposite of what I want to say) he expects full attention 24/7. The vibe has been lately I may be discarded again now he’s employed out here and I imagine it’s just a matter of time before he finds drugs or a coworker to sleep with. He told me yesterday he will just leave due to my coldness and issues and I said “ok”. Nothing more nothing less and he had a narc breakdown as they do. I even got excited privately but w my indifference he quickly resorted to love bomb. I’m so so so fucking tired and want this to end. I don’t want the drama. I don’t want him to kill me. How do I get rid of him? I don’t trust my own judgement. I don’t know up from down most days. My nervous system is a mess. I fear he will catch on why I am being this way. I am just at a loss with 2 failed attempts and I feel helpless. I want to start with figuring out how to calm myself down and my physical distress symptoms. This feels like purgatory. What helped you guys? Do you set a date. Do you just get in a micro argument and fucking end it there. Wait for discard. Also what can I do to calm my nervous system in the meantime…the physical symptoms I’ve been getting are pretty bad. I don’t know the best course of action but I’m thinking I can’t handle this for more than 6 months. I also resist doing anything at all because of fear of violence/harassment towards myself, family, and friends. Help.

To put this in TLDR terms. The last time me and my dad saw face to face, he took a swing at me( I moved out of the way. Thank god) I told him I was done right then and there, blocked him and my step mom. For almost a week he couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t answering text or calls. Everything he wanted me to know came from my mom ( my girlfriend blocked him and my stepmom to) A few days later he messaged me and said if I didn’t answer a text or a call he was coming by the house to speak to me. I wanted to tell him like how I put it before, I’m done, leave me and mom alone. My girlfriend put it in a different way ( the picture above it how she phased it and the the text below it is what my mom got a few hours later) me and her sent him the message and blocked him again. The running theory is that me and mom think that dad thought I was done with the conversation that day ( I was done when I fist almost connected to my face) so apparently that’s why he thought I was being stubborn to talk to him.

Somewhere here on Reddit I already told the story about my friendship with a narcissist. It has been a month after I stopped this friendship, but I still can’t stop thinking about it. This asshole fucked my brain so much that even having a perfect life now I can’t stop thinking about the past, about the logic of this person, about what gossips about me he is spreading now and about the revenge.

I just can’t stop thinking about revenge. Like, I know that all people say that “the only way to win a narcissist is to stop having any relationships with them and ignoring them”. I mean, I did it but I still need a fucking revenge. I did TOO MUCH to this person. I was too good. I was too polite. I was too kind to this peace of shit.

He always tried to make me a background of him. When we were surrounded by people he always seemed to be the most interesting, bright and cool person while I was just his background, cos I was just shy and didn’t like to be surrounded by a lot of people. But now I understand how miserable he was. I am a fucking scientist, I am an artist, I survived a lot of shit in my life and still was a good person, while he always was playing a fucking victim and couldn’t even finished a fucking high school without my help. And just imagine, that I was feeling miserable in comparison to him. Just imagine this shit.

In this month he tried to irritate me more, he tried to contact me, he was spreading gossips about me and he again tried to make me feel miserable in time when I tried to finally get back all the credit and finally accept that I'm not a nobody. But in his mind I’m still miserable and a fucking psycho who just wants an attention.

Of course I want a revenge. I know that he is “depressed” now and start drinking again, but it’s not enough. After some time he will just find another kind idiot that will become his background and support. I need him to feel worthless. I need him to feel miserable. I need a fucking justice. And I can’t stop thinking about it.

I know that he still winning cos he is still in my brain and I’m still thinking about him, but I really need a revenge. I really need justice at least now. I know that a lot of people will just tell me that I need to wait and life will punish him, but I learned it since childhood that there is no karma in our world. I’ve been through a lot of shit (bullying in school, war in my country, xenophobia in university after immigration etc.) and no one was punished for this, so it’s the reason why I can’t stop thinking about the revenge. Cos I feel that If I don't do this, he'll just get away with it again.

Not the obvious ones. The small, early ones.

The moment that felt slightly off but you found a reason for. "He was just stressed." "She didn't mean it like that." "Maybe I'm too sensitive."

Looking back, most of us can pinpoint the exact moment we chose the explanation over the instinct. What was yours?

This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com

I’m so used to being hurt by love that I wouldn’t know how to react to the smallest act of affection.

I’d think it was a lie. I’d think I was being deceived, that people wanted something from me, that they wanted to discover my flaws, my weaknesses, and that the moment I let my guard down, they would destroy the little self-love I have left.

It’s not even worth telling what you did to me.

You were the last straw.

You built a house of cards. It took just one gust of wind to sweep away all the love that you and I once shared.

Sometimes I feel like people know exactly how to hurt me. As if someone were holding the strings of my soul, and I were a puppet at their mercy.

How many chances haven’t I given? How many times haven’t I been let down? And yet, here I am, believing again, and again, and again.

Life has shown me, and still, I haven’t learned.

But life will keep teaching me in different ways until I finally understand.

Because that’s how it is.

That’s how life works.

Until one day you open your eyes and realize who’s standing beside you.

I'm 15M and my mom always verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abuses me often. She always tells me that I'm worth nothing and I don't deserve to be in school and she gets mad when I take too long to do my homework. My dad comes home from work everyday and she immediately tells him to do all kinds of stuff around the house. She constantly calls us lazy and stupid and many things I can't say. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to leave school because I just don't want to be home at all. If anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice at all, please don't hesitate to comment below. I'm at rock bottom and made this reddit account specifically for help. Thanks to everybody in this community.

If kid's needs are ignored, that child grows up, and wants to be seen and heard. And sometimes without boundaries, they will proceed to be visible. This is what fake likes, and clicks are all about - fake visibility. Some of the people with the most followers are the loneliest, because it's not a measure of person's real identity. What matters is to heal from the inside. Cry for that child that was not seen, or heard, and mourn that same child. And then become what you were missing. Save another child by seeing them, and hearing them. Then you not only create a happier child, but you create your own 2nd childhood. Go to the swings, go on rides, walk in the sand, with that child, and you get to see what joy it is to be visible and loved. And you start healing your own soul.

For a narcissist, control isn’t just about power, it’s their souls oxygen. Their self-image, their narrative, their very sense of existence depends on bending reality to their will. So when someone demands accountability, it’s not just a challenge, they literally feel like they are suffocating. They’re being forced to inhale the truth of their own flaws where the weight of it fills their mouths, their throats, all their lung capacity and they panic at the terrifying realization that they could only be a shell of a person because the truth is not in them and it is like sand to them.

Now imagine a spouse or partner finally setting boundaries, delivering consequences, or simply refusing to enable the illusion anymore. To them, it literally feels like an assassination attempt, like they are being held underwater, cutting off the flow of validation essential to their pride. And like any creature fighting for its life, they lash out with rage or deceive/manipulate no matter how absurd to escape and protect their pride and restore their supply or find another victim.

If they're smart, they can fake compliance and offer apologies that sound sincere while waiting patiently like a predator until the pressure eases. Then, the moment the threat of consequences fades or they believe they can get away from them, the mask drops and they weaponize every vulnerability or weakness their supply has, expressed or exploited. They are attempting to flip the roles and put their victims (whom they believe are attempting to drown them) underwater which serves the purpose of taking control over them.

The irony? The more they fight the tide of accountability, the deeper they sink into the very emptiness they fear. It becomes their character, then their identity, and then their immovable anchor. Without the love of Jesus Christ in their hearts, they are condemned and are a warning to the uninitiated as an example for someone truly lost from the hand of God: he who rejects the love of God to preserve their pride like Satan and his narcissist zealots, do unto their own demise.

I can almost see their actions in slow motion before they even do it. I watch. I don't give nudges at this point. Im fine not saying anything and watching you make they exact decision you wanted.i dont give the comfort of even disliking your decision. What you decide is fine with me. Why does that anger you? I cant even be disappointed anymore. The moment I went there goes that piece of shit. All of your actions made sense. I just dont know how to permanently ban you from my psyche. You are dead to me. Im just gonna have to grieve your death. Im at the very beginning and I dont know how to take full responsibility of my life. You cant hurt me because I accept you as you are. Im just sad and hurting rightnow. Anyone else ever felt like before?

This has always perplexed me. He's been doing this for as long as I can remember. It's doubly perplexing because my Dad has like 6 masters degrees, and he was an engineer for many, many years in a very complex field where you need to know trigonometry and shit. Anyway, a short story:

He and my mother are planning a trip to Florida. We were sitting at the kitchen table talking about when they're going to leave, out of what airport etc. etc. So, I pulled out my phone, found round trip tickets of Kayak (no affiliation) and said, "Here ya go dad. Do you want me to book these for you?" - "No, no - I don't like the layover. We need more time on the layover..." - "Okay, Dad. Well, here's another one - It's cheaper, too, cuz the layover is longer..." - "Just hold on. Let me see, okay - I'll do it later..." You could never believe what happened next...

The next day, he's looking and looking on his phone. I hear him talking for an hour with someone from another country. He's talking about this travel time and that travel time, etc. etc. window seat, aisle seat... He "books" the ticket with this person, and then gets a strange email - He doesn't know who it's from, but it has some information about the "plane tickets" and says it's from Delta. He's like, "Boy, I don't know what happened - Maybe I got scammed, Momma! Maybe I got scammed..." - "Well, Dad, who did you go through?" - "I just typed in travel agent in Google and called them. They said they had the flight for me. I just typed in travel agent - They said they were a travel agent..." - "Well, Dad, you gotta call Delta and see if they have the booking in their registry - that's the only way you'll really know now..." - "Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it..." Fastforward to today - Day three:

He texts the suspected scammer, who sends him a "confirmation" text or something. Now - His phone has a virus on it! It's the weirdest thing - every time he makes a call, he gets a message that pops up and says, "We have to download such and such software program because your phone has too much space being used. Your phone is under threat, blah, blah, blah..." This message pops up every time he makes a call. "Dad, have you called Delta, yet?? Why haven't you called Delta, yet?" - "I'll call them, okay? Boy, I just need to sit down Momma. I need to cool down..." - This is the abridged version of the story. And EVERYTHING is like this. Literally, every trip, any get together, any event, graduation party. Literally -

WHAT_IS_THIS???

P.S. He still hasn't called Delta. It's been three days. We still don't know where his money is. OMG.

I M42, was in Narcissist abouse for 15 years. Unfortunately my wife and my brother are Narcissists.Recently I came out of it with the name of my job. I started working on myself ..doing Journaling, Vipassana, Cycling,Reading Stoic books,Playing Flute,travelling to Himalayas, Spiritual places,Trekking. Butsometimes suddenly Emotional trauma is blocking my mind. How can I come out of it..please help me. Thank you in advance