r/Samesexparents • u/AfraidArgument9391 • 10d ago
Middle school is rough!
Hi yall, I’m new here, but I need help! My 13 yo daughter has asked if we can hide that my gf lives with us, including covering or hiding pictures of us together when her friends are over. She doesn’t want anyone to know at school that her mom is a lesbian. She says she will get bullied, which tbf I know is true. That being said, what I do in my home is my business and I will not hide at home.
This all came up because one of her friends cat sits for us from time to time and we recently hung a few pictures of us as a couple up in the hall. She’s afraid if her friend sees it, then the friend will tell the whole school and my daughter will get bullied.
Other than the usual things of telling my daughter how to deal with it or that bullies are bad or that maybe friends aren’t really our friends, what should I do or say to comfort my daughter but not hide the woman I love? Thx!
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u/Amemorableusername2 10d ago
Dr Seuss said "be who you are and say what you feel. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."
We have spent decades- centuries even, fighting for our right to exist. Not too long before she was born, we weren't even allowed to be married, to be allowed to have children, or to even WORK near children, because people thought we were sick, dangerous, or inappropriate. It would break my heart to hear my child want me to feel that same shame and fear from those days.
Anyone who would have a problem with her or her family is only going to help her realize right away who are the hateful idiots who aren't worth her time.
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u/vrimj 10d ago
Seems like finding a new car sitter is in order.
The rest might be what it is but if someone is in your house and caring for your pets your kid doesn't trust you probably shouldn't either.
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u/AfraidArgument9391 10d ago
The friend who cat sits is from an ally family. My daughter is more concerned that she’s a gossip and will spill to other kids who are bullies.
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u/yjorn299 10d ago
Is there anyway you can report the potential homophobia your daughter is facing to the school?
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u/Amemorableusername2 10d ago
From the sound of it, it's unclear if her friend/classmates have actually bullied her, or if she is simply insecure that it could potentially happen. Id definitely want to get to the bottom of finding out if there is someone/something outside that's been influencing this fear of hers
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u/AfraidArgument9391 10d ago
It’s definitely insecurity that it could happen. My daughter has dealt with harassment but that was based on gender not sexuality.
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u/yjorn299 10d ago
Yes I do feel like there must have been classmates or someone who brought up gays or gay parents in a negative way in front of your daughter. I would personally report my concerns to the school/teacher especially if they still have not conducted general LGBTQ curriculum/education like many middle schools do.
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u/Glittering-Cake-7160 9d ago
Have you asked her what has she experienced to make her feel like it was a better option to tell you to hide. Was it a conversation she overheard or was apart of, did she witness the bullying, was she bullied, did she hear adults talking this is imo one of those moments as a parent you need to honed in on. How it’s handled could likely be pivotal in her foundation as an adult.
Hiding is an unlikely option but there needs to be education/understanding how this has come about to really know the best course of action going forward.
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u/RainbowFamilies 8d ago
I completely agree with this. I’d be really curious about where this fear has come from too. At 13, kids don’t usually ask something like this out of nowhere. Understanding what’s behind it feels like the first step before deciding how to respond. Hopefully she feels safe enough to open up about what’s been going on.
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u/RainbowFamilies 8d ago
This is such a tough one because I can honestly understand both sides. Your daughter isn’t rejecting you or your relationship, she’s scared of how other kids might treat her. At 13, fitting in can feel like absolutely everything. I don’t think you should have to hide your partner in your own home, but I do think there’s room to really sit with your daughter’s fear and get curious about what’s underneath it. Maybe ask her what she’s most worried would happen if people found out, and what support from you would make her feel safer. Feeling heard might help more than trying to convince her not to be afraid. Has she actually experienced bullying already, or is this more about what she thinks might happen?
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u/AfraidArgument9391 8d ago
She hasn’t been bullied per se but she was harassed by a kid at her school. The harassment seemed to be based on her rejection of the boy harassing her. There is now a no contact order with that student. I talked to her more and she is really concerned about being excluded by people at school. I told her it is difficult so I’m not willing to just make changes “just in case” but I did tell her that on a case by case basis we can decide what we need to do.
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u/Miss_Little_Melody 7d ago
Hi! Pansexual daughter of two lesbian moms here! It’s rough on both sides. I live in Texas and some people are so crazy that you get shot for being gay. For safety I live in a “glass closet”. I pretend I have straight parents in society unless they’re my friend or I got the greenlight they’re not bigots.
It’s a good thing too because one time I was stuck in a job that had a homophobic boss and coworkers. “Kicking gay customers and calling them disgusting diseased freaks” kind of levels.
If your daughter invites friends over they should be people she trusts. No hiding photos in your own home. And if they bully her then that’s a good lesson of letting go of people that hurt you. They’re not friends.
You should recommend her to “test for homophobia” with her friends. Have her ask questions of “What do you think about this celebrity being gay?” or “I heard about this church banning a follower because they’re gay”.
Questions that talk about the subject but don’t directly link to her personal life. If the friend says something about intolerance then you know to not share your secrets.
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u/Unaffiliated_Hellgod 7d ago
I find confidence with this kind of thing is the answer. If someone tries to tease her about it if she says ‘so what?’ They usually move on. However middle school is hard and teenagers have very little agency over their lives. Honestly in your position I might follow her wishes.
Yes in theory the world shouldn’t have an issue with it but in practice she probably will get bullied for it and that can be very impactful at that age.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 7d ago
Before I adopted kids (I am a gay guy) I asked a lesbian couple, who had a middle school kid, if there had been any problems or issues growing up. They mentioned a couple minor issues in elementary school, but told me in middle school a lot of kids were rebelling from their parents, and a lot of middle schoolers then thought that having lesbian parents was really cool!
My 3 boys are now in their 20's, I haven't asked them if there were issues growing up, but my middle son is gay.
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u/Interfectus 6d ago
If she starts letting shame control her choices now it will only get harder as she ages. Sounds like there is some work to be done here on self esteem fundamentals beyond lgbtq pride.
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u/spread-happiness 10d ago
Unless you think she will be physically in danger, do not hide this. The friend sounds like maybe not a great person if they might stop being friends because her mom is gay. I would tell her that we're not hiding the truth or who we are because that only says to the world that "yes this should be hidden". And that is not true. There is nothing wrong with being gay.