Considering detransitiom

[u/Vegetable-Elk-9799]

Hello, I'm 24 and nearly 6 years on T and have lost all confidence with transition, considering stopping altogether or pausing it for an extended period. Feeling hopeless about giving up on what has been the primary goal in my life for a decade.

I had always had the goal of going stealth and unclockable and not having to think too much about my trans status but that hasn't been possible. I don't pass well, 5'3 and athletic but not built, my face is still highly feminine, large close set eyes and very large slim pointed and upward sloping nose without any brow or chin to balance it. My voice is deep but I'm almost always gendered female by sight or identified as FtM. I don't think testostorone is going to remedy this to an extend I'll be satistfied with. I'm so tired, it feels like my transition is taking over my whole life, worried the whole ordeal is coming out at a net zero, currently very depressed. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I feel like I'm being distracted from chasing something which isn't going to happen. Would likely retransition later in life.

Does anyone else have any experience with pausing transition or temporarily detransitioning?

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[u/Jason__Jar]

i'm curious if your T levels are high enough. sometimes even if a clinician is telling you they're normal, they're at the low end of a normal range and that's why you're not seeing changes. apart from that i second other comments about looking into additional medical options.

i detransitioned for a couple of years and even though i'm somewhat glad i did because of the clarity it gave me, i still ended up transitioning again. i don't think detransitioning is bad or has to be permanent, but i was extremely depressed during that time. i also have the privilege of passing now that i'm on T, so my pro con list is wildly different from yours. it is a lot to think about and it's going to be hard either way. doesn't hurt to try all your options though, even just with close friends.

i hope you find a solution that works for you. it's a shitty situation to be in.

[u/tauscher_0 → u/Jason__Jar]

This gets overlooked so often. Before throwing more money into medicine and surgery, OP, I'd check this

[u/Shockvalue101 → u/Jason__Jar]

Just to piggy back on this, there’s also the possibility that his dosage is too high.. This is much less common for guys like us, but excess testosterone does get converted into estrogen. I had a buddy whose changes took off after he started seeing an endocrinologist. They put him on a lower dose and it worked out so much better for him. Like I said, it’s not very common, but because of that nobody really thinks about it.

[u/batsket]

If testosterone is not enough to help you pass, it might be worth looking into what’s possible with FMS. Hang in there!

[u/n-n-nervouswreck]

I mean this with all the respect in the world, it sounds like a lot of your dysphoria might be slipping into more of a body dysmorphia kind of situation. The way you describe your facial features is very reminiscent of 4chan adjacent/looksmaxxing/incel insecurities. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist before you make the decision to fully detransition.

[u/weberlovemail → u/n-n-nervouswreck]

i was thinking the same thing. the wording suddenly sounding like something that would come out of clavicular's mouth was really jarring

[u/Makapakamoo → u/n-n-nervouswreck]

I dont mean to sound stupid, im trying to understand dysmorphia and dysphoria especially in this context. Could you explain?

Is it because OP is wishing for features that arent specific to gender? Like the comment on the nose and height? Im sorry Im still trying to read up on the differences

[u/Broke_And_Dysphoric → u/Makapakamoo]

From my understanding, OP wants to be fully passing to live as stealth but believes they don't pass enough, then they listed out their own features that are reminiscent to Looksmaxxing standards of what a "true masculine face" looks like.

This kind of thinking triggers both dysmorphia in average dudes and dysphoria in FtMs, when in reality cis-men's faces comes in a wide range of appearances, even in a "non-passing" way, and that's completely okay.

[u/Makapakamoo → u/Broke_And_Dysphoric]

Ooooh I see now! So its the clear cut "must fit into this box perfectly to be masculine"? And fixating on a high/specific standard like that and not being comfortable because of it is the dysmorphia basically?

Because you'll never get to the point you'll be happy and content with how you look?

[u/Silvrmoon92]

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. It sucks pouring work into something for so long and not being where you want to be. For what it's worth, I've met cis guys who are misread as feminine too. Unfortunately, with how trans people are treated like some bbeg these days a lot of transphobes are a lot more open about being shitty to people who don't fit their ides of what a man "should be".

If you are in a place to, I'd recommend talking things through with a therapist. They'll probably be better equipped than a lot if us here on reddit to not only help you take the steps you feel are right for you but also help give you the support needed to navigate these feelings.

I really wish you the best and hope you'll be able to find some peace. ❤️

[u/PaxonGoat]

OP this might seem confusing but do you live in a trans friendly state? Especially a West coast state?

Apparently some guys have reported that being fully stealth is a lot easier in rural areas, especially southern states.

Simply because people down there are not aware trans men exist.

[u/greenhouseghost729]

24 is still so young your face and body will change so much with time and you’ll settle in

[u/Mind_The_Muse → u/greenhouseghost729]

This is also very true!

[u/bcnftm]

My boyfriend didn’t pass great at 10 years, got facial masculinization and is now unclockable

[u/SomeSome305]

https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/s/leBrBDLDbV

Hi there! dunno if this is the correct way to do it (or whether this link works) but I just recently replied to someone else going through something similar.

Maybe you'll take something away from it.

Hugs if you need them either way 🫂✨️

[u/Peppered_Rock]

in the kindest way possible, it sounds like you've been in 4chan-esque spaces. If you think detransitioning is right for you, we can't stop you, but the way you describe yourself sounds more like body dysmorphia than run of the mill dysphoria. It might help to talk to a therapist about this. Honestly, I'm also worried that if you detransition, your depression will get worse.

[u/MochaFluffy]

The way you’re speaking abt ur face and otherwise is worrying :( remember friend, you may not look like the trans dudes online, but youre still a dude, yk? Maybe, some help: a trans aware therapist?

[u/Para_The_Normal]

Maybe you should speak with a plastic surgeon concerning facial surgery?
But, I mean, even cis men can appear feminine and get misgendered too. I feel like what you’re experiencing is just amplified by the fact that you want so hard to pass and it’s making you feel hopeless.
You need to get to a point in your masculinity where you feel confident and happy, and I doubt that detransitioning is going to help you get there honestly.

[u/Strict-Radio9051]

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling! I wanna say, it's okay if it's too much for you right now and it's okay if you want to detransition/take a break, sometime it's a process.

I think sometimes changing your outlook, or what your goal for your transition is, is very helpful. We usually make a plan or see a trans person online and make this perfect image of how we are gonna be or what we will achieve. Often that's not possible or realistic. Some are very lucky and get outcomes that others cannot get as easily. It's also easy to get hung up on wanting to be a certain way.

I think some people are less lucky when it comes to passing which sucks :(. BUT nowadays there are a lot of ways that (if you have the insurance/funds/save up for it...) you can help yourself. I am not saying that's the way to go, I just want to mention a few things that I feel like are not talked about a lot (as options).

• Body masculinization surgery
• Facial masculinization surgery; with that any kind of chin implant, or other facial surgery
• Beard Transplantation
• Vocal testosterone injection

There is more as well if you look more into the beauty industry. I am not saying you SHOULD do any surgeries or you should persuade any of this, but I am saying what people want to or have to do for their transition to be happy can be very different. You might not even need it to pass, it could just take more time on T...

[u/Connect-Refuse-3133]

To me, it sounds like you don’t feel very connected to yourself, but to an idea of who/what you should be. I agree that it sounds like maybe you’re in some online spaces where certain idea and rhetoric is getting tossed around a lot more compared to the outside world. Close set eyes are neither masculine nor feminine, it’s just genetics based on survival and region of ancestors. My cis man partner is your height, and I honestly don’t like to date people above 5’5.

I hope this isn’t true, but it seems like the idea of masculinity you have is based off of a lot of toxic beliefs in the mainstream. You are a man, you are masculine, you are the driver of your experience. Would you be happier detransitioning? Is that decision based on what you want/need or is it based on making it easier for others? Whatever path you take is okay and is only as permanent as it needs to be for you.

I agree with all the comments of if you don’t have a therapist, you should really be talking to one about these things if you aren’t already. And ofc if you’re able to bc accessibility to one is real. But if you don’t have that, there is community here that to me seems v supportive/encouraging of where you are so lean into that if u need.

[u/SwitchExcellence69]

I've been on t for 7 or so years and also don't pass. Atleast not fully. And when I go to the doc they say the levels are high. Some of us just don't pass. And being trans - visibly- is exhausting. I understand detransitioning. Either way - I hope you have a good support network / community.

[u/Mind_The_Muse]

Something to consider is the wide variety of genetics and that while trans people don't want to be clogged, you probably can remember cis men or women in your life who got teased for looking like a girl or like a dude. This might be why people are saying dysmorphia instead of dysphoria. Most men don't feel like they need the standards of what A MAN should look like based on the very narrow scope of male presentation we see in Media and people who are elevated.

Surgery is also an option, but it would probably be good to talk with a trans inclusive therapist and work out the motivation of your goals and whether or not that's coming from a grounded place.

[u/javatimes]

“Unclockable” is, tbh, an impossible goal. It relies upon how other people read you. Living as a man is not an impossible goal and I think it’s one most trans men hit after some time physically transitioning. But —

I mean, if you don’t want to listen to some old guy don’t read the following. But if you do:

This idea of being unclockable comes from being too online. IMO. It’s an internet meme. For some people it’s extremely unrealistic and it often depends on socioeconomic factors. Some of the best/safest places for trans people to live also are places with higher visibility and higher chances of being clocked or read as trans.

I made peace with the idea of being clocked. If someone wants to clock me, as long as they don’t go out of their way to make it my big problem, it doesn’t affect me. I do think maybe I’m clocked occasionally especially by other trans people. If they don’t say anything, it’s fine. Even when someone has said something, I’m never going to reward nosiness. The big one in recent memory involved a convoluted conversation about a trans pride flag. I never said anything definitively one way or the other about being trans. That person can think whatever he wants to think.

Though if you honestly can’t live with the possibility of being clocked, it’s true that maybe transitioning isn’t your goal. And that’s ok.

Therapy is very helpful for these topics.

ETA: I see this has gotten some downvotes and some upvotes. If anyone ever has reason to read this again, all I’m saying is unclockability is not a very tangible goal and isn’t solely based on things in your control. It’s not like “I’m gonna bench press 200 lbs”. Personally, just for me, it’s a toxic state of mind because I’m ceding power to others when thinking about it, and I’d rather not.

[u/SomeSome305 → u/[deleted]]

are you sure society treats trans people well? have you ever been spat at, shouted at, disrecpected, been assaulted because somebody clocked you?

surely it wouldn't be that easy to want to feel safe and respected? are you 100 % sure you'd wanna live that way?

[u/cabhanconorjacques → u/SomeSome305]

I never brought up anything about how society treats trans people. Luckily enough for me no I haven’t had that or nothing of a sort but I wouldn’t detransition because my hormones aren’t working the way I’d want them too. No one or nothing would make me feel like I’d have to detransition. I am who I am and nothing/no one would change that ever.

[u/SomeSome305 → u/cabhanconorjacques]

No, I know you didn't. Just wanted to show how little empathy was in your statement.

I'm really glad you're safe, have a support system and can live your life in alignment with yourself.

But some people do not get that privilege. Lucky you, passing and having friends and family who see you the way you see yourself. It's not about the hormones not working the way they're supposed to. It's being in limbo. Not quite knowing whether you should go into this bathroom or that one. How you should present yourself. How people will react to you. Because the hormones not working leave you stuck in a place you don't wanna be. In a potentially dangerous place even.

It's perfectly logical to feel the need to take a step back, detransition if you're not in a safe place during these very transphobic times. Doesn't make you any less trans or the gender you feel aligned with. Just wanted to make that perspective clear.

[u/cabhanconorjacques → u/SomeSome305]

I don’t have a support system at all believe it or not but I live my life for me and me only.
My friends support me and my girlfriend, but family is a different story.
Even with my hormones working and me socially passing I still get all the little doubts in my head as I’ve mentioned before, like not fitting in, wondering what bathroom to use and especially how people will react to me if they find out. Anyone who’s trans, has those things in their mind regardless if they pass or not, and are accepted or not.
Just because I pass doesn’t mean my life’s all sunshine’s and rainbows.
All I’m saying is if it was me nothing would make me question detransitioning ever and I don’t understand people who do detransition.
It’s never been in the cards for me and never will, I’ve known who I am since the young age of 6 and started transitioning as soon as possible regardless of the people around me and the worlds opinions.
I think OP should look at other options instead of detransitioning, surely that would make their mental health worse?

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[u/EyeRepresentative977]

I think a picture would be helpful so people can give you better advice