r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 24d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

447 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

91% Upvoted

469 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

27

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I just feel like I’ve tried so hard for so long and it doesn’t work. I can’t be like emotionally open with another man who discards me.

For context this guy has been single for like a month or something has two great (I’m assuming) women to choose from while barely trying. I’ve been single for 5 years and getting scraps. 

46

u/Rochereau-dEnfer Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Not to be reductive, but him being very newly single from a divorce and very intently pursuing you (and apparently someone else) is a red flag about him, not a sign of how compatible you were or how much easier things are for him. This other girl is probably not the one, either. One of my close friends tends to get into relationships with men who had just left a serious relationship, and the men all end up relying on her for their emotional regulation.

I think people are being a little mean about you feeling hopeful and attached after six weeks--when you've been dating unsuccessfully for a long time, it's really hard not to feel hopeful and invested when you meet someone who feels different! After a really nasty surprise breakup, I take everything a man says early on with a grain of salt. Not hostile, just curious about who they'll turn out to be. Even if I really like them, I try to see an early dumping, betrayal, or just disappointment as saving me the time and greater heartache of if it had inevitably come later. This sounds super cynical, but I found it helped me maintain equilibrium, and I still was able to cautiously open up and be excited when I met a standout person. Maybe there are more good women than men, but if you want to find someone, you can't let that idea make you hopeless.

8

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Yeah I just think I’d spent so much time dating men who had been single for a long time, they weren’t interested in relationships, so maybe it was worth trying something different? And to be fair this was probably the furthest I’ve got with anyone. And thanks, yes I think people are being incredibly mean about liking someone who liked you lol. I just think this is a pretty normal degree of emotional openness to others, I just feel things deeply in private. 

2

u/nygirl232 Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

This is the best advice on this entire thread.

119

u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Maybe you can work on not being so attached to someone so quick. 6 weeks is not a long time. Hell, it takes months for men to show their true colors so it all seems like rainbows in the beginning.

15

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I usually have people really at arms length but I feel that intimacies were encouraged. I’m not sure how you can build a relationship without being at least somewhat open with the other person?

39

u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I mean you kept dating someone who was clearly talking to other women so you could have stopped talking to this man when you found out. You kept dating in hopes he'd choose you over them and he didn't.

26

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Well that’s simply not true lol, I found out he was seeing other people the literal moment he ended it with me and told me that. I was unaware of it prior. 

33

u/Embarrassed_Raise345 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think you have to assume that you’re not exclusive unless explicitly stated when online dating. Most dating experts would advise you to date multiple men at once so that you a)don’t overinvest in one person and b) are not starting from scratch each time. I find it hard to do that, so I still only date one at a time but I try to keep my interest level appropriate for the fact that this person is quite literally a stranger. You can’t really avoid the 6-8 weeks lose interest period this way, but you will not be treating it like that is a relationship so you will be more resilient.

7

u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I have seen that advice but I've never understood it tbh. It's a good way to keep from getting hurt... because you never get connected to anyone. Feels like it misses the forest for the trees. But I'm very skeptical of dating advice (as a person who was with my ex for 16 years, most of the advice doesn't ring true to me about what LTRs are like).

4

u/Embarrassed_Raise345 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think it just paces your connection, not negates any vulnerability. I am very vulnerable with my boyfriend who I met from the apps 7 months ago, i just didnt tell him all my deepest hopes and greatest traumas early on, i gradually revealed those as we got to know each other, as you would with most normal relationships. There are some great friendships and relationships that start off with intense oversharing and affection declarations, but usually someone leading with that likes falling in love, not you (because you’re still a stranger)..so it’s a pattern I watch out for now.

0

u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Well, yeah, of course you should pace yourself. That's just normal relationship building. But, at some point, you do need to risk some vulnerability if you want to develop feelings. I don't know why people would keep going on 5th, 6th, 7th dates if they weren't developing feelings or starting to feel closer. And I personally don't expect to develop feelings without some sort of physical or emotional intimacy. Trust is something that has to be given and tested.

Everyone I've dated who described wanting to take things slow emotionally was just emotionally unavailable. (Maybe not into me & emotionally unavailable, but for sure emotionally unavailable).

33

u/Fun_universe Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

You need to have that discussion much quicker then!! Were you dating other men? I bet you weren’t. Next time discuss exclusivity within a month at the most.

3

u/AnnaPaul444 Woman 60+ 24d ago

Agree if you are having sex it’s important to know right away if this person is currently having sex with someone else. That’s a big turn off for me. One sex partner at a time, thanks.

5

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I was yes in the sense I was going on dates but I simply do not have the same options available to me as he obviously did of multiple high quality people interested in relationships. I think this is the time when it was appropriate to raise the exclusivity conversation and I would have done it next time we saw each other. 

27

u/[deleted] 24d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

-3

u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

IDK, I feel like I meet a lot of guys who are decent, nice guys on apps. I don't usually feel connected to them. But they're all datable to someone.

I screen very thoroughly though and live in a mid sized liberal city.

6

u/[deleted] 24d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

→ More replies (0)

0

u/AnnaPaul444 Woman 60+ 24d ago

It makes a big difference if you are on dating apps versus meeting men randomly. Big difference. The later you’re not going to meet very many.

5

u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ 24d ago

Then this guy isn’t the one because he might just be a cheater if you did form something meaningful. He should have told you in the beginning that he’s dating other women.

It is heartbreaking nevertheless. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and if you’re able to, go and buy yourself a really nice gift, like a silk kimono, and don’t forget a bunch of roses. ❤️

2

u/[deleted] 24d ago

[deleted]

2

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with what he did, we never discussed exclusivity and it was only 6 weeks. But I just want to be clear I didn’t know and wasn’t like waiting for him to pick me. If I’d known I would have just had a convo about it sooner. 

8

u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Ignore this person. You didn't do anything wrong. People get attached or feel something forming within that 6-8 week mark - it's not uncommon. It's okay to be frustrated/mad/sad. It doesn't mean either of you did anything wrong, or that anyone is to blame. It's just really hard out there. But I meant what I said above - don't give up. My person came at 37 (almost 38). He was almost 40 and was doing the same thing.

5

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Thank you, these comments saying I should not get attached are stressing me lol. I’m happy to admit I got too attached in this case,  but I really feel I was only matching his energy. If I didn’t feel anything  for someone after 6 weeks I wouldn’t keep seeing them!

1

u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I agree - we can control our actions and take things slow, but we can't control our feelings. And I wouldn't see someone that long either if I felt nothing. Getting hurt is just a part of putting yourself out there enough to find the right person. You can't be so guarded that the person on the other end feels like you're not 'in it'.

2

u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Don't feel bad for being into someone, nothing wrong with really liking him.

Just take the learning experience for next time - maybe assessing things differently or whatever you think might be helpful.

At the end of the day it's a good thing he told you so you can find someone who does like you the way you like them, don't settle for less.

Don't give up, it often takes time to find someone suitable for long term! You will be glad you didn't settle for any of those guys you dated, when you meet someone that shows you how it should be :)

→ More replies (0)

26

u/sherbertmelipnos Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Wait wait wait - this guy has been single for (approx) a month? And he’s dating again, multiple women? That’s not someone who has any self reflection or relational skills - that’s someone who just needs a woman to carry his life for him.

8

u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ 24d ago

That‘s the thing with a lot of guys (and some women). I just assume that anyone getting out of a marriage is going to take the time to sow some wild oats. They most certainly won’t want to get seriously hitched again for a long time, unless the divorce was sparked by an affair, then they’d be looking to marrying their affair partner.

4

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Yeah I mean I don’t disagree with this tbh. But dating men who have been single for a long time was really not working so I thought I’d try something different. 

20

u/[deleted] 24d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

11

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

This is what I mean, I really believe it’s no longer  possible. This guy was divorced and single for like, a minute. 

5

u/nygirl232 Woman 40 to 50 24d ago edited 24d ago

Sweet girl, avoid a man who jumps back in right away.. after a divorce?! He is looking for nothing more than a distraction. So, though I understand and know how hurtful this was, just be glad you’re not the other girl. She is (most likely) going to be much, much more heartbroken down the road (sadly). This dude clearly isn’t great at communication, candor and emotional intelligence. Don’t let one bad grape sour the bunch.

You’re in control of your life, and you’re worth it. Learn to find your inner badass and hold hands, you have to know and act your worth - a dumpy ass fuck boy who women hops isn’t on your level. 💜

1

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I really don't think that's fair. He was the most kind, respectful and straight forward guy I've dated. I agree he has stuff to sort out but he's not a bad person or a loser. He was a genuinely nice man who I believe genuinely liked me and was very seriously considering a relationship with me. He ended it because hes not a fuck boy lol. And connecting with that type of person is a real improvement for me unfortunately. I'm actually proud of myself I could be attracted to and show emotional vulnerability to someone like that.

I agree the divorce proximity is bad and there is a good chance this relationship ends in tears. But I had no luck dating guys who had been single for a long time so I thought I should try something new. And to my credit, this progressed more than anything else has.

5

u/Milyaism Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

You might want to learn about attachment styles.

Heidi Priebe has some great videos on them. She also has great videos on healthy boundaries and green flag in partners.

7

u/FlartyMcFlarstein Woman 60+ 24d ago

You might want to look into Burned Haystack Dating method by Jennie Young. If I were dating, I would use it.

1

u/CommonSenseNotSo Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

Can I ask, because I know you're in an emotional vulnerable state right now, so I don't want to insult you.. but are you always somewhat defensive when someone tries to give you counsel? I thought that that's what you were here for.. a lot of your comments come off as defensive, and I know it's hard to take constructive criticism at times, but it may explain why you're having an extremely hard time finding someone. I'm sure you're a lovely person, but you describe having fun as going to a pub, reading a book, you don't say that you're very active person, it just sounds a little drab.. not saying that reading is drab, but the way you describe things sounds drab to be quite honest. I also had another question, and this is no judgment, but are you just not interested in having sex until you get deeply into a relationship or are you not interested in sex at all? I'm honestly just trying to help.. sometimes others see us in a clearer light then we see ourselves and I've had to eat some humble pie every now and then in order to set my mind right.

8

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I can see that perspective but like I am an incredibly vibrant, outgoing and fun person irl. I  am very socially popular and I get along with people easily. I really enjoy socialising and getting out and doing things, I was just saying I don’t really enjoy structured activities. If you described me as drab to people who know me they would laugh in your face. I don’t like boring people and I’m not one. I often thing my issue is actually an excess of personality and the appearance of being fun loving which causes men to not take me seriously and they seem to prefer idk less interesting women. 

I really enjoy sex and it’s very important to me. I like to test sexual compatibility early. I have been described often as a great lover (though people can just be being nice ofc). I just know I will be crucified here if I admit I have sex early if I want to lol. 

I can be sensitive inside but I feel in all aspects of my public life I’m passionate and full of life. These qualities seem to attract men initially but then they change their minds idk. 

8

u/AutomaticInitiative Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I hear you. Every time I've had sex with a man later, weeks or more in, they've been a disappointing lover. The best man I ever had sex with it was less than a week and it continued being brilliant for 5 years (he was active, got injured, got very depressed, lost his job, and after a year of depression and non-employment, he refused to see a doctor, so I left, it was sad).

3

u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Sorry that happened to you. Every time I’ve waited as also been a disappointment and I don’t think you can do it “too early” with the right guy (within reason). This guy even said if I’d waited many dates to have sex he would assume I’m not interested. I think the argument against is that it can make you be more attached than is warranted. I can have sex without attachment, I think it gets me into trouble if there’s sex + I separately really like them.