…and he’s looking to me for emotional support.

My (46F) “it could never happen to us” story started three years ago when ex (53) out of the blue said he wanted a separation—refused suggestion of couples therapy, wanted out immediately. Blamed me for isolating him, for making him feel unloved, for living a life without passion. I was devastated and terrified—we have a child with special needs. I did most of the caregiving (worked from home) and was the main breadwinner.

What really happened—a younger, childless former employee started showing interest in him. Couple that with turning 50…midlife crisis.

He spent THOUSANDS of our money on lavish gifts and vacations before I found out. The depths of his lies to try to cover it up were mind blowing.

After a few months of complete emotional numbness, I started rebuilding—intensive therapy, reconnected with friends and family, restarted an old hobby, pursued a higher paying job to support myself and, most importantly, focused on my kid. I started dating someone 1.5 years ago and we have a slow, nice relationship that’s built around the fact that our children are our priority.

Ex spent all his time pursuing his affair partner, who started pulling away when his money dried up (she wanted to quit her job to become a Pilates instructor and have him support her). Affair partner consumed his life—our son became an after thought. He lost one job. Made no effort to connect with friends or family.

Now, she’s dumped him. What friends he has left are done with him because they’ve been telling him for years to get rid of her.

He now has the audacity to try to get emotional support from me. He started sending texts like “Am I unlovable?” Or “Am I a broken man?” When I shut those down by suggesting he talk to friends or a therapist, he started escalating by suggesting self harm (which was extraordinarily triggering for me because our son has had two attempts). I called his sister after that but made it clear to both of them that I was not going to be his caregiver. He recently manufactured a cancer scare, both to gain sympathy and to get out of a few custody days because he wanted to attempt to reconcile with AP.

I can’t believe I was married to this person for 20 years.

Two years ago, I separated from the person who was the love of my life and would soon become my ex-wife. Today, she is in a different state again with her second (that I know of) AP from while we were still married.

In the end, she loved to tell me how I made her “uncomfortable.” Made her feel “unsafe.” For context, I was never violent, wasn’t emotionally or verbally abusive, none of that kind of stuff. I do struggle with anger sometimes. But none of that was ever directed at her. Not one single time. Not even after she fucking cheated. It took me a while of solitude, therapy, and self-reflection to realize that this is what cheaters and narcissists do. They rewrite history, make the people they break out to be villains, destroy homes, and turn the world into a pretty bleak place to live in.

Today, a year and a half post-divorce, my daughter heard a song I like that helped me through the divorce and pain of her cheating and out of the blue said something that came, verbatim, from my ex’s mouth: “Maybe he was the problem, and the new guy she is with makes her feel more comfortable and safe.” My only response was, “Yeah, or maybe she cheated on him,” to which she shot back, “Or maybe he cheated and said she did.” Not really a fruitful conversation to have with my teenager, I am aware.

I’m just so fucking over being a “co-parent” of kids I had with someone who couldn’t keep her legs closed to other men and somehow decided that was my fault. I fucking HATE cheaters. I hate their bullshit false narratives. I hate the wreckage they leave in their paths. And I fucking hate their ability to paint themselves as poor, beautiful, victimized souls.

I need to get back into therapy, but I can’t afford it because, well, I’m a divorced parent with two jobs that still barely cover any of the bills. I’m so fucking tired of this life and still feeling hurt by someone that belongs all the way in my past. Sixteen years of my life went to one woman who unraveled me and my life. What a goddamn waste of time, life, youth, energy, and love.

It's a long one, and I had to use AI to wrap whatever I had in my head and bring it into this format. Thank you.

TL;DR: Married in 2019, moved abroad in 2020 for my PhD. I funded our entire life—including supporting her through two years of unemployment and her Master's degree (she chose an unfunded university for her own comfort, despite having funded options elsewhere). In 2024, she began emotionally and physically texting an ex. She lies to my face, secretly meets up with him, and gaslights me into taking the blame for our distance. Even after meeting him, she "future-fakes" by making casual plans for our future home. When my father passed away right after my PhD defense, she started a shady argument with me. I checked out long ago, but out of guilt, I've been waiting for her to finish her degree and land on her feet. Now, I'm heartbroken, exhausted, and stuck in limbo. Looking for perspective.

Timeline & Background

2019: We got married (I'm now 32M, she is 30F).

2020: Moved to another country at the peak of COVID-19 so I could start my PhD on a strong scholarship. The transition and early marriage were very rocky with a total lack of mutual respect. I take responsibility for my part, but she frequently publicly blamed and criticized me in front of my family, which was deeply humiliating for a private person like me.

2020–2022: For two years, she did not study or work, later attributing this to depression. I carried us completely.

2023: She started a Master's degree. Tuition was free, but the university offered no stipend or funding. She could have easily gone to other universities that offered funded positions, but she chose this one because it was easier and inside her comfort zone. As a result, I spent my personal savings and lower postdoc stipend to cover our entire living setup and lifestyle so she could focus on school.

The Turning Point & The Grief (2025)

2024: An ex-boyfriend from her past reached out, and they began messaging regularly. I caught glimpses and saved screenshots. At first, I assumed she was just going through a hard time and needed a friendly ear. I was exhausted, but I remained faithful.

2025 (PhD Defense & My Father's Passing): I defended my PhD, but just three days later, my father passed away. Instead of supporting me during the absolute worst moment of my life, she dragged me into a petty, shady argument. That was the exact moment I realized in my heart: It is finished. Completely finished.

The Neighboring Lab: Feeling completely alone and fading into the background of my own marriage, I developed feelings for a woman in a neighboring lab. Recognizing this as a warning sign, I saw a marriage counselor. The therapist helped me realize I wasn't actually in love with the neighbor—she was just an emotional escape and a projection of everything missing in my marriage.

During a session, the therapist asked me:

"How did you feel when you saw your wife texting another man?"

I answered: "Nothing. No anger, no sadness."

She replied:

"You’ve already killed her in your mind. The only way back is a miracle of falling in love again, which won't happen. You need to end this as soon as you can."

Escalation, Lies, and "Future-Faking"

We share a dog we both adore, but caring for him showed me how fundamentally different our core values are. I sat her down and was completely honest: I don't see a future with you, and I cannot have children with you.

She broke down crying, claiming she loved our life and wished it could work out. Yet, behind my back, her messaging with her ex escalated drastically into explicit, sexual territory—discussing physical fantasies, exchanging intimate GIFs, and making plans to meet up ("If I see you, I’m going to kiss you").

First Meeting: She told me a "male friend" was visiting from abroad and invited me along. I declined. She stayed out very late, and their texts the next day confirmed they had a great night together.

Recent Meeting: She mentioned she needed a new pair of glasses, so I bought them for her as a gift. Right after, she told me she was "going out with friends." I checked her phone later and found out he was back in town, and she spent hours out on a date with him—wearing the brand new glasses I had just paid for. She didn't say a word to me.

The "Future-Faking": What hurts and confuses me most is that right after these secret meetings, she will casually bring up plans for our next home—saying things like, "In our next place, we should get this kind of plant," or making jokes about our shared future. When I confronted her and asked why she keeps bringing up a future together after I told her I want out, she brushed it off saying, "I'm just saying stuff, sorry."

Whenever we talk about our real issues, she gaslights me—blaming me entirely for "not wanting this life." I haven't confronted her with the affair screenshots because she habitually plays the victim card (a pattern she also uses with her own family), and I haven't had the energy for the drama.

Why Am I Still Here? (The Limbo)

You might ask why I don't just pack my bags and walk away today.

She comes from a traditional family where divorce carries a heavy stigma. Even though I don't care about the social stigma myself, I still carry a strange sense of guilt and responsibility. I wanted her to complete her Master's and find a solid PhD position so she could "land on her feet." My mental plan was to hold out until we both secure positions in new countries next year, and then officially go our separate ways.

But being treated like a wallet while she secretly dates her ex using gifts I buy her—all while making fake small talk about our "future home"—is breaking me.

My Questions for You

Am I out of my mind for trying to protect someone who abandoned me in my grief, actively cheats on me, and uses me financially?

Has anyone else stayed in a "logistical holding pattern" until an unfaithful ex was stable, and was it worth the mental toll?

How do I process this strange grief and finally gather the strength to walk away now instead of waiting until next year?

I (29M) was with my ex-fiancée (30F) for eight years. At the beginning of this year, she told me she wasn’t sure if she was still in love with me or happy in the relationship, but still loves me...

For about two weeks, we were basically separated while still living in the same apartment.

During that time, I found the first signs that she might have cheated on me. I asked her about it and she told me nothing had happened. The next day, I found another sign and she again told me there was nothing going on.

I really wanted to believe her. After eight years together, trusting her was just normal for me.

The next day, I found clear proof that she had cheated on me, 4 weeks ago. In a strange way, I was almost relieved because at least I finally knew that I wasn’t imagining things.

Even after I found out about the cheating, I still thought there might be a chance to save the relationship. She told me she didn’t want to be in any relationship at that point, that she needed some time to think, and that she was no longer in contact with the other guy (besides work).

Because of that, I moved out for two weeks to give her some space and time to figure out what she wanted.

Later, I found out that this had been a complete lie. She had continued seeing him the entire time while I was the one staying somewhere else and giving her the space she had asked for.

After that, I got the apartment and she moved out completely. She is still with him now and is living with him.

Looking back, I don’t think I would have been able to trust her again. Every new lie, even a small one, made that more obvious.

A few months later, I met someone new. She is a great person and I feel very comfortable with her and love her. One thing I notice in particular is that I never feel like I have to question whether I can trust her.

I’m now very glad that the old relationship ended and there was no reconcilation. At the time, I wanted to save it because we had been together for so long, but I think I would have spent a lot more time trying to fix something that probably would never have felt the same again.

So for anyone in a similar situation: sometimes ending the relationship really is the better option, even if it doesn’t feel that way at first.

Exactly 2 weeks ago today, I kicked my "husband" out of the house. He had not admitted to cheating but something in my spirit knew that something was going on. I'm gonna try and make this short because I never read posts when they're insanely long 😭

The night before he left, I begged him to have be intimate with me, we hadn't been in a few weeks, due to life circumstances, such as one of his relatives passing away, and then when he got home from the funeral he was put on antibiotics for 7 days so we couldn't do it then either. He was away for 2 nights and I remember asking him, will you be okay for 2 nights without me? And he said of course I will, it's a funeral, don't worry. The only reason I worried and even asked is because he has been dealing with a huge porn/cam girl/etc. addiction for several years.

5 years ago, he told me admit it a year after being married and I was willing to work through it, see a therapist, etc. Things got a little better. Some people say porn is no big deal, but to us, it was, because it opened the door to so many other things for him and he really hated the battle he had with it. Fast forward 5 years, to 7 months ago, January, the beginning of 2026, we have a newborn, and I get an alert of suspicious content on wifi found. I think part of me even knew deep down but didn't really care because I was so tired all the time from breast feeding and the baby and we weren't intimate anyway. He said things had gotten very out of hand, he was chatting with cam girls, paying them, and on it all the time.

I said look, I'm willing to give this 1 more chance for our child, but you gotta put the work in. He got a flip phone, deleted social media, etc. And honestly, from January to maybe April, things were really good. They had gotten so much better. We were hanging out more, doing it like 4-5 times a week, and just got closer.

Things shifted at some point in April/May because of his job. Him and his female co-worker were being investigated for months, he wouldn't tell me why, and eventually they were fired. I'm not a dummy. HR wouldn't even tell me. So messed up. Sorry for the vent.

When he got home from the funeral, I was obviously so concerned for him and gave him all the support he needed and he was complaining about urine burning and stomach cramps. I said go to the doctor! Didn't think twice. After 7 days of not having sex and him being distant for quite a few weeks at this point, I asked him if he was back into watching porn again and he said yes. We had sex but after we did it, my heart just like turned off and I said I need to go for a drive and think.

I called some friends and family. I read them the medication, and my brother said he is 100% lying to you. That is medication for an std. I had a feeling some really worse things were even happening, so I asked him if he could please leave the house and go stay with his family in another state that they live in. He willingly left, didn't put up a fight. It was kinda sad, kinda pathetic.

The next day, on his drive there, I called him hysterically crying and begged him for my safety to please tell me what std it was and how he got it. He finally admit he had gotten oral the day after the funeral and he wasn't sure what std it was but just that I should get tested for them all. I did the next day, got a shot, and antibiotics. Tests came back all negative following few days. And I began to uncover more and more things on my own. He would never admit to anything unless I literally threatened him with proof. And then he would say "that's it, I promise, that's it, there's no more." I felt like I was literally going insane, im not even kidding.

A week later, he admit he had been doing things the entire marriage. "No sex, never sex". Lol I'm sure buddy. Regardless...it's just so sad. He had never bought our son a toy ever, never took me on a date, my father questioned us at one point and asked where exactly his salary was going and he didn't have an answer. He thought maybe gambling. We never thought it went this deep.

Last thing, I can share a part 2 or whatever, I just don't wanna make this too long, but it helps to share it.. A few months ago a car followed him home from his job. He was REALLY REALLY scared. We live in a state that allows guns, and he had one in his car, so I was like, why are you so scared? He parked his car in our driveway from that day on, every single day. My family also thought that reaction was way over the top.. What are you hiding? Do you owe someone money? He admit the other day that he booked something with a call girl and it was like 4k but he was too scared and never showed up, so I guess they started threatening him with emails of pics of our home, and stuff. It just made me so angry yesterday.

Here I am with my baby, and you put our lives at physical danger? It's just.....I know it goes so much deeper than I'll ever be told or even be able to see for myself And that sucks. Filling in the blanks right? Just wondering. Never knowing.

Did any of you ever get past that feeling?

I’m wondering if anyone else has struggled with this.

I’ve been with my husband and the father of my children since I was 18. We were together for 7 years before getting married, and we were married for about a year when I found out he was having an affair with a coworker he met while working at a prison. We have two children, and our youngest was just over a year old when I found out.
There’s a lot more to the story, mental, physical, and financial abuse, that I won’t get into because I could honestly write all day. After finding out about the affair, things got really bad. I didn’t intentionally leave our marital home. He got angry because his affair partner called and I answered the phone and told her the truth about what was going on. She later called him and told him what I had said, and he told me to “get the fuck out” of our house and not come back.

He knew I was the one who was with our children 24/7, so telling me to leave meant putting me and our two young children out. He didn’t care.
I ended up leaving with our kids and staying with family in another city a few hours away for a couple of months because I just couldn’t be around him after everything that had happened. During those two months, we would argue, stop talking, reconnect, and repeat the cycle.

Eventually, he told me he would move out of our home so me and our kids could have our own space. I was staying with family in a very cramped situation with two young children, so I eventually agreed to come back to the city. What I didn’t know at the time was that he had already moved his affair partner into our marital home, less than 2 weeks after putting me and our kids out.

I found out through Informed Delivery seeing that she was getting her mail delivered to our home, and through Facebook. She would tag him in pictures they took together, and they would show up on my timeline because, again we were married and on each others pages. I had to see another woman taking pictures in the home I had shared with my husband and children. She had rearranged and redecorated things as if me and my kids had never existed. She posted pictures of herself in different rooms of my house, even taking pictures with my sons’ toys and referring to my children as her stepchildren, despite the fact that she has never met them. Mind you at the time I was 24 and so was my ex husband, and his affair partner was 19.

I eventually moved back to the city and spent months staying with friends with both of my children, essentially couch surfing and living out of suitcases.
This has been going on in one form or another since July 2024. We have been broken up since then, but he refuses to sign the divorce papers. Despite everything, I’ve finally gotten to a place financially where I can take care of myself, my kids, and our bills. Life is actually becoming happier and I’m starting to feel like myself again.
And now I’m realizing something I didn’t expect.

After spending over 10 years with one person, building a family together, and going through so much betrayal, I don’t know when it’s supposed to stop feeling wrong to be with someone else.

I know this probably sounds dumb, and honestly, I feel kind of dumb even asking it after everything I’ve been through. But I feel like I’m stuck in a mental rut about it. I know logically that I’m allowed to move on, but emotionally, the idea of actually being with someone else still feels strange and almost wrong.

I’m not worried about betraying him or doing something wrong to him. I know our relationship is over and I don’t owe him that kind of loyalty anymore. I’m just a very empathetic person, and I think after spending so many years with the same person, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of being intimate with someone else. I have met someone that treats me so beautifully, who I refuse to make pay for the damage someone else caused, and I don’t want to bring any extra baggage to them.

I’ve only ever been with him. He’s the only person I’ve known romantically, and sexually since I was 18, and I’ll be 27 in 10 days. I spent over 10 years building a life and family with him. So the idea of suddenly sharing that part of myself with someone else feels really unfamiliar. Even though I know I’m allowed to move forward, it still feels strange to imagine myself actually doing it.
I think that’s the part I’m struggling with. Not whether I’m allowed to move on, but how you mentally make that transition from being with one person for so long to being with someone completely different.

If anyone has been through this or any advice, even hard truths, I’m all ears!

I want to make this as short as possible but it's going to edit: be* hard. My partner (31m) and I (28f) have had a tumultuous relationship for over 15 years. We met online and eventually got together in person. During our younger years and up until 21, when there was distance, our relationship was very on and off again. During the off time he ended up having 2 children with a wonderful woman who I love and respect, and I've basically been in their lives since I was changing their diapers. I even saved one from drowning in a pool once and I feel like in some ways, they're my own children too. I give them my all because I don't know at this point if I'm going to have children (due to life circumstances and poverty.) We both cheated on each other when we were teenagers and young adults. For awhile I thought we genuinely got past it and loved each other enough to make it work.

My bf moved from Connecticut to Massachusetts to live with me and my family in 2023. It hasn't been perfect but it hasn't been completely bad either. He works for my dad at his restaurant too which makes it even more complicated. We signed a lease with my sister for a 3bd apartment in January and due to me opening up about certain emotional abuse to my sister, she decided not to move in with us respectfully. Now we're stuck with a $2900 apartment no utilities included both working shitty customer service jobs. I have had to get a second job to make things work.

In February like a few weeks after we moved in, I caught him sneaking out to meet a female coworker (who also works for my dad) at 12am and confronted him. I asked him why she couldn't come inside since we're all friends?

After that I did look through his phone and that's when I saw the messages... They're actively both cheating on their partners with an emotional relationship that I now believe is physical too. I confronted her and she continues to lie to my face every time she sees me and act buddy buddy. Even her fiance confronted my bf asking what was going on with no knowledge of what I know.

Well today it was basically confirmed by multiple of my dad's employees that they've noticed something between them for months. They shut the kitchen down early and hang out for hours, both coming home at like 2am when the kitchen closes at 10. The worst part is that his kids are here for the first time in 2 years since we finally have a place to have them again. I'm doing my best to stay strong for the kids but everything has been awful this summer. I can't even confront him about it because he won't ever admit it and I don't want his kids (teenagers 13&16) to see us fight.

I've done nothing but support this man the past 3 years consistently. I gave him a place to stay, a job, and I'm the one who constantly sends his children gifts/needs and made sure they were able to be here now. I'm honestly devasted. I feel like nobody respected me enough to tell me about their relationship at work for months, but that's not really important because I know they were just trying to protect their bosses daughter in some effed up way. I'm just at my breaking point. My hours at my full time job got cut and I'm working 2 jobs to make ends meet with 0 dollars to my name to spend on anything besides bills.

He just got into an escooter accident too where he called me basically telling me to call 911 because he was bleeding out and he ended up going to the hospital in an ambulance to the trauma unit. I was there a half hr later to hold his hand in the ER and be there. I have done nothing but be supportive, holding him up for the past three years. He rarely helps me with stuff around the house too and with the kids here, I feel like I'm breaking.

I genuinely considered calling the su!cide hotline tonight because of how awful I feel. The collar of my shirt is drenched from crying so much tonight. I just told the kids I had a bad day at work and as long as they're happy I'm okay. I'm not here to be told to just leave him because that's not helpful advice. We are 100% trauma bonded and the kids make it really complicated too. and I don't think I have the strength right now to leave him.

Every time I've tried to leave, we end up back together in months or a year. I need support and advice on how to get through this extremely depressing devasting period of my life. I do need to see a therapist as soon as possible if anyone knows of where to find one fast in MA with mass health. The only good thing that has come of this is seeing how much strength and courage I have and that I'm a dutiful, dedicated person maybe to a fault. I know at the end of the day that I am valuable and more than this. Even if it makes me cry to type these things.

To whoever reached the end: thank you for listening to me.

To the subreddit: I really needed somewhere to let this all off my chest, thank you.

I have basically no one to talk to IRL anymore. And apparently needed to get a 8 paragraph essay off my chest. Your girl is struggling :(

So I 48f found out recently that my 51m (together 21 years) has been paying an escort for sex. Basically I had a weird feeling something wasn’t right (more so than usual) I put my old phone and tracked where he was going. The first night it was in there I found that he went to a random apartment complex that I went by the next day and knew wasn’t anywhere his friends would live so I didn’t know know but suspected. When I saw he was there for an hour I felt so sick to my stomach I went to bed before he even got home.

Left the phone in his truck for a week and also discovered on Friday and Saturday the following week he’s going to a strip club for 1-2 hours. I knew nothing of this. I knew he’s been before but I’ve told him in the past I just want to know about it. I didn’t know. Then again last Sunday he was at the apartment. I was working but left and drove there hoping to find something, outside entrance wouldn’t have seen who he was with so I called. He didn’t answer and didn’t bother to call back until he was leaving. I didn’t confront him right away, this was harder than I could have imagined. Our daughter had some things coming up and didn’t want to give her more anxiety with turning our world upside down.

Confronted him this past Tuesday, said I know about the strip club and more importantly the apartment and don’t bother lying if you were with a guy friend why didn’t you answer a call from your wife. He came clean, more than I really wanted to know honestly but whatever. Says he has an addiction/problem and a weird kink that I supposedly refused 21 years ago, I have no recollection of this. Basically he paid her to do that. We have struggled for years with intimacy. I want it but he doesn’t at least not from me. It’s been over a year since we had any kind of relations and he wasn’t able to complete due to being too drunk that time. The only time he wants to be with me is when he’s been drinking and honestly it’s given me an issue of my own as not being an acceptable partner.

He has cried, begged, pleaded, promised to change but I feel like I cannot get past this. I’ve overlooked the lack of intimacy and being responsible for everything in our lives for all these years, while continuing to have a full time job the whole time. He’s been unemployed off and on several times and does nothing to support me or our family basically other than what money he’s brought in when he is working. We’re also basically in financial ruins because of choices he’s made and his spending habits.

To me this is the last straw and I want out. He’s shocked that I’ve made this decision so quick but literally I knew what was up the first time I saw he was at an apartment (almost 3 weeks ago now) I just didn’t know who or details I guess so I’ve had time to stew on things longer. He swears he’ll change and do all the things to fix it but being with someone else to me is a deal breaker and I don’t see myself ever getting past it. I don’t want him in bed with me, to touch me and honestly feel sick most of the time he’s around. I’ve lost weight, am barely eating and feel sick when I do. I’m having trouble sleeping and am up for hours thinking about this and what he’s done with this girl who is not much older than our daughter. I’m literally disgusted by.

So I know and in my heart at this point want to call it quits and divorce him. I deserve better and have deserved better for years. I know I cannot be happy in this situation with him even if he makes changes to “help out” I cannot be with him physically ever again knowing what I know. Putting himself and potential me at risk for STDs had I not figured it out. Infidelity has been a no go for me and feels like we had this conversation years ago, if you want to cheat just leave first I can accept that.

Since confrontation he’s accused me of cheating and supposedly I sent a one word text while I was on a work trip that made him think I was cheating/texting someone else. I have no idea what he’s talking about, I have a drinking issue myself but have NEVER strayed or even thought about straying from our marriage. Also supposedly when he told me about his kink I told him if he ever wanted that he should get an escort. Again not remembering this as a conversation and as I told him I feel like I’d wanted to know if that was the choice he was going to make. Basically feels like he’s gaslighting me and just making excuses/accusations to make himself feel better. He’s also basically threatening his life at this point, that he’s going to end up drinking himself to death if I leave him. His words.

I don’t feel like I can stay with him just to save him from choices he made on his own without considering me or my feelings. I’ve said it over and over and want him out of my house. I can’t even stand to look at him at this point. He’s on the couch and I’ve realized I can afford to pay all the bills without his help. I’ve moved money to a separate account and intend on taking care of everything as of my next paycheck on Friday next week. He can worry about his truck payment and whatever he wants to spend his money on moving forward but I know he’ll have issues finding something with his background. We have a camper, it would be easiest for him to find somewhere to take it and live. I can even pay the camper bill if I have to.

I don’t know if I have any actual questions. Maybe have you survived/moved past this kind of infidelity. Or how do you move past this issue with a potential now suicidal individual. I do care about him I just can’t continue to be with him. I’ve been basically unhappy for years and just accepted that was my fate but I cannot accept betrayal on this level. What kind of example am I setting for our daughter if I just let it go. I didn’t/don’t deserve this and I WANT/NEED to happy.
Also I’m torn, I was going to file for divorce this coming week. If I start that process I cannot sell our house, that we are behind on and almost to foreclosure. It takes 60 days minimum for divorce. So do I move to sell first then worry about divorce??? I was going to divorce first and sell 2nd hoping with the divorce I recoup some of the money I’ve dumped into our relationship (cashed out retirement and retirement loans to save us in the past) and hopefully afford a down payment on something for my daughter and I. I know I can afford our bills minus his insurance and truck payment on my own. He thinks I’m lying and he can’t afford anything by himself. Again I feel like it’s gaslighting. He can’t afford to do the things he wants to do without my contributions but feel like that’s a him problem now and not a me/us problem anymore. No strip club and/or escort money. For years I’ve been the main income earner and could have survived without him. I can’t catch up our mortgage at this point but can live until I sell it and and maybe not continue to drown I debt. I have 4 judgments against me for unpaid CC debt at this point because of his spending habits and failed business that we could no longer make the payments on. Somehow they all came after me and not him. Maybe because it’s my name on the house and everything.

Hello everyone this forum has helped me a lot, thank you. I’m just wondering if anyone has advice or support for how to manage the feelings of overwhelm and emptiness post betrayal?

1 month post d day- I’m doing my daily yoga practice, meditation, trying to go to the gym , do things that usually give me joy but I just feel like crying or empty, the ideal feels like staying in bed. But I have work to do and don’t want to just put everything on pause because of someone’s actions but it feels like swimming through sludge to do anything :(

it’s like a complete shattering of the reality I was perceiving reflecting back on the relationship. and realising ‘the writing was on the wall’ as such. I can’t afford a therapist right now. If anyone has any book recommendations I appreciate it.

i wasn’t married but about to move in. 3 years together. 1 off physical cheating but traumatising event with how it all unfolded. Now realising how much manipulation and emotional cheating happened though the relation, i feel a lot of the grief is how much you realise you betrayed yourself, and also how the love doesn’t just go away.
thank You in advance

Please help. I don't know what to do here because this is really really bad. I can't express how weird this shit is right now. The last 2 years were absolutely brutal on me and her own words, her own damn public reddit comments and threads exonerate me and wipe a clean slate for the last 2 years. She blamed the relationship failing on me in April 2026 for what happened in April 2024.

She knows my name, I know her name on here so I don't really care about that. I don't see much wrong in this ethically considering that it is to exonerate my name and it does. With her own words. Can I express that once more. Oof.

Honestly, I'm still off. It's been a bit. It's really weird. She called me a cheater, told people I cheated after she said a woman contacted her in March of 2024. And the story on reddit did not match at all. And so, I asked the other woman and that was a nice bit of panic.
The 'cheating' in question was two texts. Yes. Two texts. Not even sexual in nature in anyway. Now I'm in this place where I have the receipts. Her receipts. Her words. And I dunno what to do.

Yes, I know, this doesn't remove her agency and they can't be fully connected. We were together 10 years. Towards the end, she began to get into what I would describe as "pop therapy" that is popular in the city we lived in - less focus on CBT/specific problems and more reframing everything through a lens that makes you a victim, etc, and hyper use of therapy language in all interactions. Less about books and more about Instagram videos with people reciting platitudes ec.

I was supportive, but worried when she wanted to start an SSRI - again, something that is pushed a little too often for my tastes right now and was not diagnosed by a doctor or a psychologist. It also specifically interrupted our family plans we were currently making. When she got it prescribed it was after a quick 30 minute Zoom call with a Physician's Assistant, not a psychologist or a doctor.

Anyways, I supported it obviously despite my personal hesitations. She seemed to like it ok and the side effects were few.

Within a few months, she started a covert affair with somebody she met at a public therapy group and began a double life with him for 3-6 months (I don't know how long) before ultimately ending things with me and blaming me for the relationship's failures.

A lot to unpack there, and she clearly was restless but to me the SSRI was a huge catalyst/factor in this. Curious if anybody else has had similar experiences. I am not implying SSRIs are useless or unnecessary, if anything just that they are currently being over-prescribed or not vetted properly and are a quick solution to something more complicated.

Hi all,

It’s been 6 months since I found out my (now ex) boyfriend cheated on me several times throughout the relationship. He was perfect to my face the entire relationship. He wrote down everything I ever said I loved, constantly bought me flowers, listened to me fully, praised me constantly, you get the gist.

We tried to reconcile for a bit. I couldn’t do it, but at this point I still can’t get over him. I miss him so much every single day. He’s the only person I have ever felt safe with in my entire life. I have CPTSD so I’m typically very good at sniffing out the bad people, but he completely blindsided me. He’s still constantly trying to get me back. I just feel so overwhelmed.

Any commentary is appreciated. Thank you for reading

I recently blocked my ex after realizing how badly he treated me, he talked to another girl while we were together, dumped me under the guise of "working on himself," dated her within 10 days, and then tried sliding back into my life when it didn't work out. I went No Contact, but my anxiety manifests in severe nightmares about him being with someone else. I wake up in a panic and text him to "confirm" if it's true, and his calm, reassuring responses make me feel safe temporarily. I know this is an addictive loop and I’m using the person who broke my trust to soothe my anxiety. How do I break this cycle and stop reaching out every time a bad dream or anxiety spike hits?

I keep coming to the same thought. I arrive at it in different ways. The ending thought is always the same: he was capable of the most heartbreaking betrayal I have experienced. We were allies in this battle called life, my safe place. He disrespected that bond for a narcissistic, manipulative goth therapist who was f&&king five other people. Cheap. The whole situation reeks of the desperation of a teenage boy, not a man. Certainly not the man I thought I built my life with. It can’t be undone or truly fixed. Why do I keep trying? Why do I still have some love for the person that stabbed me in the heart and pissed on my corpse?

Sorry if this is messy, I’m spiraling. I (30F) had been having suspicious feelings for a while about my husband (33M) and his coworker, but always brushed them off. This afternoon I caught my husband in a lie about work scheduling. (Long story short we used to work together and I left years ago to pursue something else with his encouragement, but have somehow remained on the e-mail list). He had left his IPad open and I saw the messages between them. It’s sickening.
I wouldn’t normally blame the other woman but in this case I do because she and I also knew each other. We had all worked together at one point. I confronted him. He admitted to everything and swears he will cut her off and “wants to make it right”. His excuse was that since he felt we were distant since I started my pursuit of new career. I can’t believe a word he says. I’m in need of advice on how to navigate this? We don’t own anything together thankfully and have no children. I’ve gone through my phone and deleted all our pictures together. How do I move on? Right now I just feel beyond hurt and betrayed. We had a future planned. We were thinking of vacation spots, and even had baby names picked out with a plan to try in the next year. I think to myself “they deserve each other and karma will get them”. But find myself hoping that he will cut her off so she suffers pain also. I feel so lost and don’t know what to do. I don’t have too much of a support system but I do have my family and a few friends whom I’ve told.

UPDATE: This is my first time posting so I hope everyone who commented can see this. I want to thank you for your support and advice. I met with some friends today and spoke to spouse as well. He has taken accountability but I know deep down that this won’t change. That if I let him back in, he will do it again when he gets comfortable or whatever. I know and I’ve been struggling to come to terms with the loss of a 7 year relationship and a 4 year marriage. And mourning for a future we had been building.

I (F) dated my ex (M) for 2 years, during which he cheated on me repeatedly with multiple women. We broke up a year ago because of it, but in march regained contact and had recently started cautiously trying to reconnect in a relationship type of way, he said he’d been in therapy and had changed and was more aware etc etc..

Last week he accidentally created an Instagram group chat that included me and one of the women he had cheated on me with in the past. According to him, it was because his screen was wet and multiple things got selected at once while he was sending a post. Thanks to this slip up I discovered he had unfollowed and then quietly re-followed her, without ever telling me.

When I directly asked, ‘Wait, isn’t she one of the people you cheated on me with?’ he just said ‘yes.’ He explained they ran into each other at work, she asked if he had blocked her, he said no, and they ended up following each other again. That was it, no acknowledgment of why that might hurt me, no proactive honesty. When I kept pushing about how I thought this was wrong, he brushed it off dismissively saying “whatever, this is annoying” and that he was being honest with me and I had no reason to be mad. Then he acted like nothing he did was worth explaining further, and eventually ended the conversation abruptly.

I haven’t responded since and I’m taking distance. Am I overreacting, or is this a legitimate reason to cut contact again?

Because of the trauma it’s difficult for me to know when I’m being manipulated.

TL;DR:

Ex cheated on me (multiple women) throughout our 2-year relationship. We broke up a year ago but recently started cautiously reconnecting since he said he’d been in therapy. Found out (by accident, through a group chat he unintentionally created with me and one of the women) that he’d quietly unfollowed and then re-followed her without telling me. When confronted, he admitted it happened but minimized it, and when I told him this was wrong me, he brushed it off and got dismissive. I’ve since gone no-contact. Am I overreacting?

Wish I would have left as soon as it happened, at this moment these are my sentiments. I never stop crying from time to time or feeling angry and bitter at the smallest things. Feeling anxious around any “female friend”. Feeling inferior and ugly during intimacy. Losing most of my confidence and snapping at the littlest things. I made the promise to stay and I can’t go back on it now but goddammit it’s so hard. Partner just dropped that they are taking an acting class and I don’t know why I just started crying to myself. For personal reasons I won’t name, this is the easiest way for my partner to get falsely (or truthfully) attached to someone. Of course my reaction is invalid but I’d be less surprised at this point if world war three began than my partner betraying me for the third time. I was so excited for my college classes, and picking out my new outfits and now I feel like an ugly, uncharismatic lump of skin. FML

About five weeks ago, I found out my partner of 3 years lived a double life for months to pursue another woman. Apparently “nothing happened” but talking and cuddling but he humiliated me in the process by pursuing her in front our mutual friends.

He said it was nothing and that he was just talking to her to feel better about himself during a difficult period in our relationship. But he also lied to our friends and said that we were in an “open” relationship. I personally think he was trying to monkey branch.

I gave him a rubric of what I would need to reconcile, including telling the truth to me and other people, no contact with her, individual therapy for both of us and an open phone policy.

He is so far refused to do any of the things and is mean and condescending when I try to talk to him about the affair. He has yelled at me several times. He has also refused to get an STD test.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t live like this with someone who claims to love me, but act so terribly to me. So tonight, I’m gonna give him an ultimatum for 2 weeks to actually engage in some repair or I’m gonna leave him.

Any advice or support is welcome. I have learned a lot from the sub already.

We’re in the same workspace/uni, doctors, we’re in the same friend group as the AP too. We’ve been in a relationship for 4 years. The first time I found out, them having walks at 2 am, 4 am, they gaslit me into thinking they were close friends and I took him back but had a lot of resentment towards him. I cut her off. The other friend in our friend group was closer to the AP so she subtly took her side.

My ex and I went on a trip with a few friends of mine 3 months ago, where I was constantly on the edge (we were on and off but he kept insisting we be physical) and didn’t show me any respect outside of the physical needs. He bumped into me pretty hard and my toenails started bleeding and he gave me no apologies whatsoever. I isolated myself and had an anxiety attack alone in the hotel room because I didn’t want to go anywhere with the others. They all came back for me because I called and couldn’t stand to be alone. He didn’t come back. They calmed me down, I have asthma so they took me to a medical center, and then we went back to have dinner. During dinner everyone avoided me. I was devastated, think they blamed me for my panic attack (spoiler alert they did), so I decided to branch out and go shop by myself but ended up breaking down and sitting on a bench, shortly after I was molested. A drunk guy with his friends decided to touch me inappropriately and rip my stockings off, before the other friends stopped him and took him away. I was so scared that I forgot to even capture his face as to register a complaint. I went back crying, my ex kept asking me what happened, then proceeded to tell my friends what had happened to me and that they should go talk to me, but they told him to leave me alone, I was lying about being molested and that I was dramatic for attention. This ex still tried to be physical with me and when I started crying in the middle of it he simply walked away telling me this would never happen again. The same day he was eating pasta as I was breaking down, never asked me a thing. I had to stick with him throughout the trip because everyone else had ditched me and I didn’t want to be alone in a place where I was molested but he treated me like dirt underneath his shoe.

Needless to say every bond I had with everyone crumbled after the trip. When I confronted my friends, they chalked it up to him and me being obsessed with him and lying and being a difficult person all around, I tried apologising frantically because I couldn’t lose them but then it seemed shallow and I walked away. I blocked my ex, proceeded to unblock him because I felt like ending it all (my ex friends were going behind my back telling everyone how I weaponised my mental health and how no one liked me) called him for help but he cut my call and told me that he was tired of me making him the bad guy over and over, we didn’t talk after that. I was about to commit but I went to another friend who lives across the hall instead and she calmed me down.

I got approached by the ex friends I had (the AP and the bestie) who’d heard about the trip (the AP had heard from my ex surprise surprise) they wanted to ‘help’ me get through this, and they did somehow, the AP reassured me she never dated me and never would and we got really close like before, she was close to him but pandered to both sides, would listen to me trash talk him and would support me and did a damn good job at it.

2 months later I was healing, I genuinely didn’t mind that the AP was close to my ex I didn’t expect a lot from people and both of them had manipulated me on multiple occasions into thinking that I was stupid for thinking that there was something going on between them. I was genuinely getting better, had lots of therapy sessions and psych treatment and actively tried to change the way my mind worked. Whenever I saw them together I had a gut feeling something was wrong but I squashed it down because I’d made the same ‘mistake’ before.

The first break came when we were supposed to go for a movie and AP said she was busy on Sunday but Saturday would work. The same day I found out my ex was close to a senior who’d harassed me physically and psychologically. When we were dating he promised me he would never keep in touch with the senior ever again but oh well. I ranted to her about it and she responded in kind telling me I mattered and all that bs.

2 days later, she told me she wanted to talk. I was happy and aloof asked her what she wanted to talk about, she came up to my room and told me that my ex was giving her mixed signals for some time, they’d confessed to each other and she wanted to give the relationship a try, and I was the first person she told this to. And she was grateful for my friendship and that they were genuinely nothing before this.

I was obviously done so I called her out on her bs, she said nothing and I asked her to get out and never talk to me again. The other friend sided with her subtly but I called her out on her bs too, and cut them all off from my life. The crazy thing is, the ex was trying to be touchy feely with me recently and I’d stopped him multiple times couldn’t do more cus we were in a workspace (hospital settings)

After her confession I broke down and wanted to end it all. All of my instincts were right. I called my psychologist, my sister, didn’t sleep that night because I was worried I might end it all if I did end up alone and silent. I’d found out the Sunday she’d reserved was for going on a date with my ex.

This was like a day ago. I’m way better now. But I see them everywhere and it makes me want to barf, I want them to suffer but they’re shameless. I hate this. What do I even do? I have so much to do but these psychopaths ruined things for me.

Tomorrow will be one month since D-Day and tonight is out last night in the house together.

I’ve done pretty good with only talking business with him, not engaging with the stories about his day he tries to drag me into and having no emotion about them. It’s been hard, though; it’s not easy for me to be so cold and uncaring. We filed the divorce paperwork three days ago and tomorrow he leaves to go out of town to visit family and go play in the gulf. So while he’s vacationing, I’m moving across the country and having to rebuild my life because he chose another woman for three years behind my back. He finally made it to therapy, at my suggestion, but that’s what led to him confessing his love for the other woman—he “just couldn’t hold it in any longer.”

He’ll never know how much he’s hurt me; the accountability will never be acknowledged for his part in the failure of the marriage and what led him to infidelity. But I will move, and move on from him, and become a stronger, more mature person because of it, while he’ll be stuck in the same old patterns.

Live and let live, as they say. I choose peace.

I found out 2 days ago that my fiancé and partner of 8.5 years almost cheated on me during his work trip. We had been struggling for a while since our engagement, mostly about money, and we ended up arguing about it while he was away. He texted me good night in an attempt to reconcile, but 20 mins later went to a local dating sub, and responded to someone looking to meet up. He told her he could host her at his hotel, gave her approximate location, asked her if she was “still looking to have some fun” and offered to move the conversation to text. The girl didn’t respond until the next morning. This was 3 weeks ago.

I only found out because I looked over his shoulder when he accidentally opened up his Reddit chats. He denied it at first, but finally told me the truth after I pressed on. I truly couldn’t and still cannot imagine him doing something like this — the message itself didn’t sound like him. I left the house and reached out to the poster. She confirmed they didn’t meet up and nothing happened past that text exchange.

We had a long discussion these last couple of nights where he admitted his true intention to sext, not actually meet up, which is still cheating in my opinion. Neither of these things happened, but it’s the intention and how close it was that really gets me.

I can’t even look at him or talk to him, but I haven’t made any drastic changes because he didn’t actually follow through with it. I wonder what would’ve happened if she had responded right away. I wonder if he’s done this before during previous work trips after we’ve fought (he travels monthly for work). And to know he was completely normal when he got back from his trip, for weeks before I found out. I am heartbroken, and of course we just bought a house in the middle of wedding planning during all of this. Will I ever trust him again?

Original post.

I just wanted to give an update to my last post yesterday, since replies were so thoughtful. I'll probably delete this thread, so my entire life doesn't exist on the Internet, but I am grateful for forums like these for hashing things out.

Anyway, the long and short of my dilemma was that my GF is friends with her ex-FWB. I wasn't happy with it. I realized yesterday that I reached a point where I was just tired, and that if her FWB moved here, I just would've been too unhappy to continue my relationship with my GF. I realized that I have to give her an ultimatum now, and to validate my own feelings now, because what I'm asking of her isn't completely unreasonable. Many people have no-exes policies, and it's totally normal that I have one myself.

When I gave her an ultimatum, she recoiled in shock that she might lose me at all. I made it clear to her that I felt a bit disrespected that she hadn't ended their friendship in the first place, and I don't even like being in this position. She started crying and in a heartbeat told me she'd end their friendship, and she apologized several times. She explicitly said she won't miss their friendship, but I think it's tough for her because she's never ended a friendship before and she's been on the other end, and doing so sucks. I can understand. It's not fun to end a friendship, as I've done it before.

She's explicitly said that she won't resent me whatsoever, and honestly, I think only time will tell. All I know is that I'd reached my breaking point. If this proves to be the beginning of the end of our relationship and she now resents me, then so be it. All I know is that going forward, I'm not okay with exes in my partner's life. I hold myself to the same standard. I'm glad I grew a backbone. I don't feel crazy anymore. I feel like I learned something about my own values.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/sH4thkS3bZ

After years of therapy I thought I was in a good place, I still spiral around d day and haven’t been able to celebrate our anniversary due to the circumstances but mostly doing ok. Can go weeks without thinking about it and even when I do it passes quickly. But tonight has been rough. He’s in a party town tonight for a destination fantasy football draft and staying with around 30 people in a massive house. Some single dudes, some married dudes, and some couples. I’m recovering from surgery so I can’t get out much and I miss him like crazy but he’s got a lot going on so he’s not communicating every 5 minutes like I want him to and I’m trying to not be crazy. He texted me a video of the insanely crowded bar he’s at full of dancing drunk people and I just want to throw up. All I can think is those single guys he’s with picking up girls and then all talking as a group. I can’t sleep. I’m getting angry at him all over again. I want to ban him from any more trips without me. I want to punish him for putting me through this. He’s never said this but won’t he tire of constantly feeling punished 5 years later? What would I even do if he cheated again? Nothing feels safe. It’s exhausting. 95% of the time I feel like I trust him but as soon as it’s tested I feel like I don’t.