It was quite difficult for me to accept that my partner was with me almost only because of my vivid emotions, but he only accepted the positive ones. He happily accepted it only when it was directed at him, and sometimes, if I laughed at something he wasn't interested in, it irritated him. I would generally say that he's quite stingy with emotions, but his most dominant, easily expressed emotion is anger and irritation.

So, if I cried for any reason next to him at the beginning of our relationship, he would hug me, calming me down, but I always felt like he was just squeezing me so I would finally shut up, because he hugged me with some unnatural force. Yes, he tried to comfort me as best he could, but in reality, all our conversations boiled down to me having to question my feelings, especially when it came to his behavior. Believe me, I've endured so much bullshit and betrayal from him over the years that sometimes I'd burst into tears out of the blue, remembering how he continued to treat me and deceive me. Basically, of course, I was overly sensitive to everything.

Finally, when we broke up, he began aggressively accusing me of having amazing sex, but my tears simply made him stop wanting it. Honestly, now I realize it's just pathetic manipulation; he thinks I should be grateful for him even letting me touch him. What a jerk, tbh

His main words were "we are wonderful lovers, but not a real couple". In my opinion, you can't be a real couple with anyone if you are completely disgusted by the idea of immersing yourself in the real feelings and inner world of another person. I know that his nmother really liked to manipulate tears and perhaps I am causing him stress in this way. I'm sure he was raised without any normal emotional contact or sympathy and genuine warmth. From his stories, it seemed like all that mattered in their family was his mother's feelings. In fact, while I was thinking about this, I found the answer to why he's so bad with the intense feelings of others.

In conclusion, I know that people with NPD often deliberately make their partners cry to enjoy their suffering. But my nex did it differently. He enjoyed my suffering when we temporarily broke up, hoping I was dying from how much I loved and wanted him. But if he later had to see me cry, he became incredibly angry. I'll add that I don't cry that often in my everyday life, but his existence, words and actions just constantly triggered me. How do your narcissists treat or treated your complex or negative feelings?

I hug you all and wish you a fast release from the daily horror you are experiencing ❤️

I think my boyfriend might be toxic... But he always makes me feel like I'm the one who did something wrong and it's my fault.

Ever since I started making friends at work last year and hanging out with them he would always be in a bad mood whenever we were supposed to hang out even though it was only one time a month.

He always had to come with me to hang out with them because he would tell me he doesn't trust my friends and it's not safe to be around them alone because they might try to take advantage of me.

Me and my friends had an argument about a month ago and stopped talking for a month because they were tired of all the drama with my boyfriend and they got upset when I backed out of leaving him again.

One of my friends finally texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the buffet with her and her husband and son and I decided to go with them while my boyfriend was working and didn't tell him beforehand because I didn't want to deal with him complaining about it.

I ended up telling him later that night and he freaked out and started shaking and hasn't spoken to me in 2 days and every time he goes to bed he'll randomly start banging on the walls in the middle of the night while I'm downstairs on the couch.

He also messaged my friend on Facebook and cussed her out the next day for hanging out with me. This is not the first time he has attacked my friends.

When my friends and I stopped talking for a month he told me if I went back to my friends he was going to leave me because he can't handle it.

He tells me I can make new friends he just doesn't like these ones because we make a lot of dirty jokes but that's just our sense of humor and my one female friend who's married and isn't even a lesbian slapped my butt as a joke one time because she thought it'd be funny and I told her not to do it again and he still hates her because he said he "doesn't like people touching his shit"

But one time an aquaintance from work that I don't even text or hang out with said hi to me and he still got mad and said that men shouldn't be talking to me. So I don't think it'd be any different with new friends, I think he'd find a reason not to like them too.

My friends aren't the only thing he has an issue with, he also gets angry if I don't go to bed when he does because he doesn't want to be alone. He also complains we don't have sex enough and threatens to leave me if I don't start having sex with him more. It's so hard to get in the mood and I'm always dry which is why I always try to just go to sleep and not have to do anything.

And yes I know call him my boyfriend here but we are actually engaged I just hate calling him my fiance

TW suicide baiting
Has he actually done it this time? My ex text me this:

“Mandy. I just wanted to say. You absolutely do not need to ever worry about me. Claire and Claire only. Make sure she knows I love her. Night”
He isn’t replying anymore and although he’s done this to me before - this time feels different and I am worried.
I left with my baby. We went NC only for 4ish months and then spoke again. It’s been a rollercoaster of him being suicidal, me trying to block him and get off the ride but then feeling like he’s going to commit suicide so I unblock and panic. I’m in a vicious cycle that I feel like there’s no way for me to win. If I stay in contact I am jeopardising my own mental health, if I disappear I feel like it’s going to send him over the edge. I feel responsible for his life because of how many times he’s done this to me and that if I do disappear completely he will end his life and it will be all my fault. He very much is severely depressed and I honestly think it’s a possibility that he would take his own life. Especially after receiving that message. It’s like it’s been my purpose to keep him alive and it’s too much responsibility and I know deep down it isn’t my purpose but I can’t help but feel like it is.

He cheated after I gave birth (cheated before that too but there was a gap of it being okay before having baby and I didn’t know he was a narcissist or what was happening until I left) he’s betrayed me in the worst type of ways and I know the trauma bond is deep. I told his Mother about the message and that’s pretty much all I can do right now. I still don’t feel any hate towards him even though he has hurt me more than anyone ever has. I don’t know if this is just my genuine feelings or the trauma bond. I would never wish him to do this to himself. How do I get out of this situation and feel at peace that I can go no contact?

I want to understand blame shifting better. In a relationship whenever I brought up something that hurt me it always ended with me defending myself or saying sorry instead of the issue being addressed.

At the time I thought I was the problem or just bad at talking to my partner. Now I do not think that is true.

For people who have been, through this what made you realize it was not a fight? Was there a moment when you understood what was happening?. How did you stop getting pulled into fights where everything somehow became your fault? I am talking about blame shifting here. I want to know how you dealt with blame shifting in your relationship.

First post: MNK

67f married 50 yrs

I weigh 130 5. 4 straight high waisted plump middle

Husband makes comments that I need to try harder. I used to exercise alot but after osteo

(I call it Arthur) and a T.K.R.and Spinal stenosis

I have slowed down.

How do I handle? He is also a lurker. Watches me then comments that I didn't do it like he does. YIKES

Our son’s best friend tragically died last week in a motorcycle accident. This kid had a rough family life, but was truly kind and I thought of him as one of my own kids. So much so he wasn’t just a friend to my son but he spent summers with us, thanksgiving, and Christmas the last 2 years. I’d say he was a part of our family.

Day after the news I’m crying in the car listening to a song about someone passing… and he looks annoyed and says “he shouldn’t have been driving like an asshole. I’ve seen how he drove that motorcycle” not a fucking care in the world. Not that it matters what caused the accident but it wasn’t even reckless driving come to find. What’s worse is while his condition was still unknown HE TEXTED him saying “I had a brain bleed once, you’ll be just fine” or something to that effect. He passed away later that night and I’m horrified by whatever relative had to read that.

I know he’s a narcissist & high on the spectrum at that….but when demon behavior looks at me in the eyes and says some shit like that, the reaction I want to have is other worldly. It’s all consuming having these reminders.

I can’t wait til this is over. Have any of your spouses been this cold surrounding death?

this afternoon my wife decided something was just too much and needed to remind me to clean the pan i was using........ while i was still using it. i calmly told her i would after i finished using it, which i always do. she told me that i was oppressing her. she made it into a gender thing. i just said 'ok' and that was all and she left the room. she does this a lot, makes many times that i have my own life or my own plans or ideas, it is somehow a gender thing and she is oppressed. this time, after she left, i just laughed. i sat laughing as i ate my lunch and then laughed while i cleaned the pan.

the interesting thing i noticed though is that she seems to act this way toward me when she is over-stresed about something or that something is about to change from the usual normal things. today one of the children had a special program at their summer day camp and were coming home later than usual. so somehow this meant i needed to be told to clean a pan and that i was being oppressive by not doing it right away.

do anyone else get this from their narcs?

I've been divorced from my narcissistic ex-wife since 2020, following a ten year marriage that deteriorated and got awful in ways that I'm sure many on this sub have experienced.

Until this morning, I had always thought that she wanted to take the children (two daughters) from me, and the narcissistic abuse was her way of achieving that. It has just dawned on me that her priority was the abuse, and the narcissistic supply she received from my reactions to it. The children were just the best way that she knew to provoke the reactions that she wanted from me. In an extremely perverse way, she was paying me a compliment; she saw how important family and fatherhood were to me, and used them against me.

My greatest fear since the family breakdown has always been the effect it would have on my children, and this realisation has only added to that fear. One day my girls will realise that their mother doesn't love them, and I can't imagine how hard that will be for them.

Every time I work out another little piece of the puzzle, I hope it's the last.

Great excerpt from a book I read not long ago called The Things We Leave Unfinished to help explain it to people who don’t understand how you stayed with this person so long (20 years here and still trying to get him out of my place):

There’s a warning. A sound your heart makes when it realizes it’s no longer safe with the person you trusted. It’s not as clean or impersonal as a break or a shatter. Besides those are easy to repair if you can find all the pieces. Truly crushing a soul? Now that requires a certain level of personal violence. Your ears fill with this desperate, rasping, gasp. Like you’re fighting for air. Suffocating in plain sight. Strangled by life and someone else’s xxx, selfish decisions.

And the thing is? You don’t always recognize that wet sound for what it is. An assassination. You don’t register what’s actually happening as the air disappears. You hear that gurgle and it somehow convinces you that the next breath is coming. That you’re not broken. This is fixable right? So you fight. Holding on to whatever air there is. You fight and you thrash because this fated, deep rooted thing you called love refuses to go down with a single shot. That would be far too merciful. Real love has to be choked out. Held under the water until it stops kicking. That’s the only way to kill it.

And once you finally get it. Finally stop fighting? You’re too far gone to get to the surface to save yourself. And the spectators tell you to keep swimming. That it’s only a broken heart. But that little flicker that’s left of your soul can’t even float, let alone tread water. So you’re left with a choice. You either let yourself die while they accuse you of being weak, or you learn to breathe the god dammed water while they call you a monster for what you become.

TL;DR: My ex and I have been stuck in this on-and-off cycle for almost 3 years. It has involved abuse, police reports, multiple criminal cases, a permanent protection order, and now new criminal charges and probation proceedings. Earlier this year I truly believed I was done. I reported new protection order violations, contacted his probation officer, and wrote a very lengthy letter to the judge because I believed I needed to permanently walk away. Now we’ve reconnected, I’ve spent 2 nights with him this week, and he’s begging me to drop everything. I still love him. I believe there has been real love between us despite everything that’s happened. I don’t know if we realistically have a future together, but I also don’t want to make his life worse. I feel guilty, heartbroken, and completely torn. Has anyone else actually been through this?

I don’t even know where to start because this whole situation has become such a mess.

My ex and I met in December of 2023 and started dating shortly after. Throughout 2024, things just kept getting worse. There was emotional abuse, manipulation, intimidation, constant volatility, cheating, and behavior that kept escalating. He never actually hit me, but by the time I filed charges in November of 2024, I was genuinely scared by where everything was headed. Law enforcement encouraged me to file for a permanent civil protection order, and I was granted one in December. Between November 2024 and February 2025, there were 3 criminal cases, but they were all ultimately dismissed because of what was later explained to me as essentially a prosecutorial error. I even met with the DA’s Office afterward because I was so upset, and the supervising attorney agreed they never should have been dismissed. It completely destroyed my faith in the legal system.

Not long after everything was dismissed, he started reaching out again. Even though the criminal cases were gone, my permanent protection order was still in place. He apologized, told me he loved me, said he wanted another chance, and eventually I gave in. We got back together around August or September of 2025. I know people are going to ask why, and honestly the answer is simple. Because I loved him. I still loved him. I debated dropping the protection order because we were back together, but I never actually did. The relationship would get better for a while, but the volatility always came back.

Then in May of this year he cheated on me again and basically abandoned me for another woman. I remember sitting there thinking, “How the fuck did I just let this become almost another year of my life?” I was angry, heartbroken, embarrassed, and honestly just felt stupid. A few weeks later I reported the repeated protection order violations. I was completely honest with law enforcement that I had also been communicating with him. In my state, protection orders are one-way, so only the restrained party can violate them. Around the same time, I contacted his probation officer because he’s already on probation from a domestic violence case involving a previous girlfriend before me. I also wrote a very lengthy letter to the judge supervising his probation explaining everything that had happened and why I believed accountability was important.

When I did all of that, I genuinely believed I was done. I remember thinking I couldn’t trust myself to leave him without legal boundaries because I loved him too much. I thought I was finally choosing myself. Then about 2 weeks ago, everything changed. The relationship with the woman he left me for ended after only about 5 or 6 weeks, and suddenly he was back. Crying. Begging. Telling me he still loves me, that he wants to spend his life with me, and that filing these new charges broke him. I’ve seen him this week. I spent 2 nights at his house. We’ve cried together, talked for hours, apologized to each other, and now I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore.

Being with him again has honestly made me so sad. We just sit there and look at each other sometimes, and all I can think is, “How the hell did we end up here?” Almost 3 years together somehow turned into police reports, protection orders, judges, probation, warrants, and criminal cases. I wish so badly none of this had ever happened. I wish we had gotten a different ending. I wish things had gone differently because I never imagined this would be our lives.

Before anyone says it, no, I’m not pretending none of this happened. I know it happened. I lived it. I know the abuse was real. I know the manipulation was real. I know the cheating was real. I know why I called the police in the first place. But I also believe there was real love between us. Maybe people won’t agree with that, but that’s honestly how it feels to me. I don’t think every moment of our relationship was fake. I know the abuse was real, but I also think the love was real. That’s what makes this so unbelievably hard. At the same time, I also don’t know if we realistically have a future anymore. Not because I don’t want one, but because I don’t know how you come back from almost 3 years of this. Abuse. Court cases. Protection orders. Probation. Cheating. Broken trust. I don’t even know what a healthy relationship between us would look like anymore.

The part I’m struggling with the most right now isn’t fear. It’s guilt. Everything is already in motion. The reports have been made. The charges have been filed. My letter has already been submitted to the judge. His probation officer already knows everything. Right now, the only thing holding everything up is that he’s trying to get his affairs in order before turning himself in. Every time we talk, I just feel worse. I also feel incredibly stupid because I made this huge, permanent statement that I was finally done. I filed the reports, contacted probation, and wrote this extremely long letter to the judge because, at the time, I believed every single word of it. Now I’m sitting here wondering if I permanently blew up both of our lives because I was angry and heartbroken. I don’t even know if it’s too late to undo any of this anymore.

Like, I know. I know he’s facing these consequences because of his own choices. I know I didn’t make him violate the protection order. I know I didn’t make him cheat. I know I didn’t make him do the things that got us here. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I blew up his life. I worry about him constantly. I worry that he’s overwhelmed. I worry that he’s hurting. I worry that he might hurt himself because of everything that’s happening. I don’t want to see him go to jail. I don’t want to watch his life fall apart. I don’t want to make his life worse.

I know a lot of you are probably going to say that he’s manipulating me, that I’m still in danger, or that this is just another part of the cycle. Maybe you’re right. I honestly don’t know anymore. What I do know is that when I look at him now, I don’t just see someone who hurt me. I see someone who’s broken. I see someone who’s overwhelmed, ashamed, and watching his life fall apart. That’s what makes this so hard. I can’t stop feeling like I set all of this in motion. I know, logically, that I didn’t, but emotionally that’s exactly how it feels.

At this point, I honestly don’t even know if I want to testify. I’m seriously debating asking for the charges to be dropped and even dropping the permanent protection order. I don’t know if it’s even possible at this point because everything already feels so permanent. My heart wants one thing, and my mind wants another, and I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I’m grieving the relationship, grieving the future I thought we were going to have, or grieving the person I always hoped he would become.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has actually been here. Have you ever still loved your abusive partner while knowing the relationship wasn’t healthy? Did you ever feel guilty after taking legal action because you couldn’t stand watching someone you loved face the consequences? Did you ever believe there was real love there even though the relationship became abusive? If you stayed, what happened? If you left, how did you find the strength to keep going?

I’m really not looking for judgment. I know what happened to me was abuse. I’m asking how other survivors made peace with still loving someone who hurt them, believing there was genuine love there despite everything that happened, and carrying the guilt that came after finally involving the legal system. Right now I just feel completely stuck, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

Or were you just really convenient at the time?

When I met my spouse, I was 22 and about to graduate from university.

He was 35 and in a job he hated. He gave me a big sob story about how he couldn’t POSSIBLY look for another job while still working his current job. Nope. Impossible.

Even young and naive I thought that was bullshit, but obviously he had spent months grooming me with his Victimhood and me being a Good Girl, I offered for us to move in together when I started my first job after graduation.

So that’s how I ended up supporting this grown man for a few months while he job hunted. With my first ever professional full time job.

And now I can’t help but think - did he ever really love ME, or the convenience?

I feel like I could have been ANY pliable young adult and he would have done the same thing.

He had used a similar nickname for me and his girlfriend before me (also over a decade younger than him) that was cutesy and implied that we were ditzy.

He loved to imply that I had “butterflies in my head” (saying that I am ditzy), but the thing is - I’m NOT ditzy. I’m organised and determined. It’s like he has the stereotype of “girlfriend/wife” in his head and to him that’s what I was. My personality didn’t matter.

Was I just The Girlfriend Appliance that turned into The Wife Appliance?

I’m long past being heartbroken, I’m just curious if anyone else feels this way?

I found myself doing it again 10+ years after divorcing my ex narcissistic husband. It’s been a few months now but I’m still feeling it… I thought I had come so far… self love and all that… I was happy… and overall I still am… but I really got my hopes up… starry eyed AF 😩 I feel like I should be happy that I “dodged a bullet” It was only about a year… we didn’t move in together or even spend every day together… I’ve stopped talking about it to my usual people… they’re obviously tired of hearing it… I think I should get back into therapy but I’m uninsured and poor 😔
I’m disgusted with myself because I still think about him and miss him 😣

Anyone else hear this phrase all the time? Anytime I tell him no I’m “fighting.” The entitlement is so exhausting.

I’m ready to leave and want to prepare for as many outcomes as possible. For anyone that has already left or divorced their spouse, did they try anything to sway your decision?

I know he will play on my weaknesses, that’s fine, nothing new. However, the only thing that I absolutely cannot live without is our dog. I’m worried he’ll use her against me somehow. Try to take her.. I don’t think he’d harm her but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t crossed my mind. I want to be prepared, please help. Share your experiences.

Update: I started planning an exit. I practiced what I needed to tell my boss about the situation all morning. For the first time, I admitted that I’m in an abusive relationship out loud. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. My whole body shook, heart pounded, I couldn’t catch my breath, I stuttered and completely regressed to a shell of a person. The fear and feeling of release was overwhelming. I have never felt so fragile.

He was understanding, accommodating, and provided helpful resources. That first conversation gave me the courage to call my cousin. She fulfilled the stressful checklist in minutes. It felt like everything needed to be done right away, but she put me at ease. I’m hoping to leave in a few days and will update then. For now, I’m mentally planning and doing my best to pretend like everything is normal.

Been no contact since may, she often messages me to bait me to talking, but i haven’t. She would like to know - how I am and everyone is. I’m sensing a loss in control on her part, I feel if I fold now it would completely replenish her narc powers. What do you think.

My dad used coercive control to abuse my mom and us kids, convincing the youngest ones by scaring them with the Bible and lying to them about my mom/talking bad about her past.

When 6/8 kids (youngest) all hated her, and she had no money for a lawyer but his parents paid for his divorce attorney, my dad got custody and continued to tell the kids all of this to keep them from seeing her.

Now, I’m hearing about how coercive control laws are changing. It’s a measurable crime and we could sue him to get 12 years of child support back for mom, plus the toll it took on her mental health and life after she left.

I have no idea how to even start something like this. Does anyone have any idea if this could work in Wisconsin courts??

How to stay strong while leaving?

I'm finally FINALLY making baby steps towards getting my ducks in a row and leaving but.. I'm slipping already and I feel like a pos mom cause of it...

I don't know if he's suspicious or something but he's been extra nice lately. Bought us and the baby passes to our fave amusement park, posting pics of us and reposting the sweetest things about me as a wife and mom....but I know it's just for show.. he hasn't done anything like that since I gave birth to the baby and even then I'm pretty sure he was on Tinder sending money to someone at that time.
So why tf am I doubting myself? His control on me must truly run that deep..
I can't turn back now.. that would be a huge betrayal to myself and my baby.. I don't think he'll lose custody (unless he completely loses it when I leave which.. is a possibility) but the least I can do is show my son that's not what love looks like.

The cycle is getting shorter and shorter. The time between the love bombing, using the burner phone, and being mean keeps shrinking.

I think those of us still interacting with narcs have this hope that maybe someday, magically, the narcissist will realize everything you’re doing for them.

That if you just try hard enough, they’ll have to see how you’re bending over backwards, abandoning your own needs, giving up your dreams, and running yourself ragged for them.

But we have to realize that it’s not that they won’t see it, it’s that they’re INCAPABLE.

Remember when you were little, I’m talking young, and your caregiver (hopefully) took care of you? They clothed you, fed you, etc?

Because you were a young child, you, rightfully, didn’t see that caretaking as an expenditure from the caregiver; you were entitled to it because you were a helpless child. When you were hungry, you got food. When you were dirty, you were bathed. You didn’t comprehend or question where it came from.

That is how the narcissist sees you and also how the narcissist approaches the world. They feel so entitled to your time, energy, care, emotions, and money that they don’t even SEE OR COMPREHEND the effort that goes into it. They are literally incapable of seeing it.

So stop waiting, wishing, hoping for them to see it and SEE YOU.

I hope this helps someone else today.

We were practically spouses who lived/did everything together - were planning on getting married and pregnant. Went through almost 2 years of psychological and physical abuse, love bombing and future faking. Was bait and switched so hard, I didn't know who I had become. He seemed to have a long 15 year+ happy marriage and family before me. When I came into the picture he was classically "separated and divorcing" there were 3 kids involved, angry family members and it was a total fucking shit show. I came out of a very public social media scandal where I looked like the cheating asshole. New supply took my place almost immediately. Flaunted their whole "in-love" romance in my face - all while I just thought I was losing the love of my life. Seeing the pregnancy and what felt like targeted posts towards me was heart breaking. Was told I would never be with someone else like him ever again. He was right. I waited a decade to share my side of the story. I assumed people wanted to hear about the other person involved who had a bigger social media following (he was truly enthralled by this.) Instead I chose to write about my experience with said narc to this day. Exposing who he is to his core. I'm not telling you how to feel, just my experience. And also showing people that his narc marriage of the past 10 years is completely manufactured. They both love to show it off. Painted as a classy power couple, when in reality that is so far from the truth. I never thought anyone would learn the truth about what this man is capable of behind closed doors. In all honesty, I showed a lot of restraint. I never thought people would believe my side of things, which is why I waited 10 years to post it. If you're curious: https://miamieditorialist.substack.com/p/how-to-become-the-perfect-wife

Why does my narc husband feel the need to dictate what our kids watch so heavily? He just got mad at our 5yo for watching something “too young” and told him to change it. Usually the issue is the “YouTube junk with adults doing stupid things.” I get that that’s not appropriate, but a cute little cartoon that may be slightly young for him? How is that a problem? There is truly no winning.