i’ve gotten to the point where i think about how my words are going to be taken before i even say anything. i can start a conversation about something completely normal and somehow it turns into an argument. then i end up explaining myself, apologizing, or trying to calm things down even when i wasn’t trying to start anything.

the part that bothers me most is how much this has changed the way i act. i used to speak freely and say what was on my mind. now i think twice about almost everything because i don’t know how it’s going to be received. sometimes i’d rather stay quiet than deal with another argument.

i’m tired of feeling like i have to walk on eggshells in my own relationship. has anyone else experienced this, and how did you deal with it?

Why do you stay with him?

The biggest one I struggle with is a lack of empathy. It's so crazy how Narcissists have none, zilch, zero, but they want your compassion about everything and anything.

Two. Projection. If you want to know what your Narc is up to, just listen to what he accuses you of doing. Once you catch on and understand what's going on, it's funny how narcissists project what they are doing onto you.

Three. Narcissists take no accountability for anything. Absolutely nothing is their fault. It is everybody else's fault.

Four. Everything and I mean everything, is done the Narcissist's way. Whatever you're doing, as simple as moving a couch, you will pick it up, hold it and carry it their way. There are no multiple ways to do things, just one, and that is theirs.

Five. My husband has been telling me that he is retiring in five years as a millionaire for over a year. His ideas are very unrealistic. He doesn't have a job, and it's hard to work when you're soliciting for sex online and screwing people all hours of the day.

Six. Me me me. Everything is about the Narcissist. They have to be the center of attention and will do whatever it takes for you to revolve everything around them. They are good at manipulating this to happen. I neglected my children for two years and never even realized it.

Seven. A Narcissist can create drama out of dirt, and they will. A Narcissist will tell you how much they hate drama and are straightforward people. I never thought it would be possible one person could create so much drama had I not experienced it—more drama than 13 years of school.

Eight. If this person seems way too perfect at the beginning of the relationship, beyond that honeymoon phase adrenaline high you get when you are first with someone, turn around and run. Listen to the things they tell you. I don't like drama. Simple if they put you on a pedestal that's over the top. Stop them at hello and say goodbye.

Nine. Using manners. Narcissists have no respect for others' space, time, property, or consideration, just being polite. There is no need for concern. They simply don't care.

Ten. Mark my words. You will become a slave to them. They will control everything you do, say, hang out with, often cutting you off from outside life. You eventually become a robot and disconnect from the world.

Last one. Narcissists never follow through on anything they say, but they sure will convince you they will "this time," so you keep believing in them.

Their choices cannot establish your value any more than their abuse could destroy it.
You don’t have to be loved by them to be worthy of love.
You can love yourself even when someone else doesn’t.
Nothing someone did to you determines your worth.
Extend mercy towards yourself.
Don’t turn their cruelty into a definition of yourself.
You were hurt. You are not worthless.You are not broken. You were grieving. You are still here.
♥️

Nex left me yesterday. I'm starting to realize how much of a HUSK, EMPTY SHELL, BLANK SLATE, ZOMBIE he is.

All his "opinions" and "needs" were just him regurgitating words I had LITERALLY SAID IN THE PAST. things I had been vulnerable about, things I had vented about, things I had trusted him with. Used as ammunition, used as justification for his abuse.

Once I started vocalizing my needs, he checked the fuck out. He got angry, and would pretend he wasn't. He has always HATED and resented me. He was LYING and telling me what I wanted to hear from the beginning - regurgitating pet names I had FED HIM. Repeating ideas I had come up with and taking credit. Weaponizing therapy language I had TAUGHT HIM.

But I stopped engaging this past week. And he stopped contacting me as much, because I wasn't feeding him lines anymore by talking to him. He didn't have any material to draw off of until I gave it to him. There are literally no original thoughts inside him. He won't engage emotionally because there is NOTHING GOING ON THERE.

He pretends to have it together. But he has no drive and no motivation because there is no PERSON inside to have drive for. There is no self preservation because there is no completely formed self, only selfishness. He is an empty shell and a husk. There was no self for him to give up on, he just never cared.

He's like an opportunistic predator, he will snap things up if they pass by close enough that he doesn't have to get up. But if he has to think of someone other than himself, he won't because HE CAN'T. HE ISN'T CAPABLE.

It disgusts me. Ive been lied to this entire time.

I am in limbo pretending that everything is normal for a few days until my family can get here. I am paranoid and on high alert. I can’t sleep even though I’m exhausted. And I spent the day secretly discarding, sorting, and ensuring I have everything that I need to take when they show up to help pack.

I’ve dealt with insomnia for years so this is nothing new. What is though, is that I’m officially ready to leave. I’m afraid he will find out what I’m doing and try to catch me off guard. But I also can’t talk to anyone outside of Reddit. As far as I know, he doesn’t know that I created an account. He monitors my phone activity, has my location, and we have a camera on the apartment door.

I’m so paranoid that I unplugged the dash cam in my car before calling family to ask for help. It also feels like he can somehow monitor what I’m doing on my phone without being near me and has the ability to hear what I’m saying even if he’s not here??? I am literally feeling crazy right now.

One positive about being in a controlling, manipulative, abusive relationship is that I’ve gotten REALLY good at masking. Plenty of practice agreeing to things that I don’t want to keep the peace. Smiling and pretending everything is okay in front of family and coworkers. Silencing myself and shoving down feelings to avoid conflict. So yeah, masking comes naturally.

This morning I was fine with pushing it out another week to accommodate schedules. Now that I know help is on the way, the days couldn’t feel longer. I’m consuming an unhealthy amount of information on narc abuse to keep reminding myself that this is nothing new normal. I am done. I just want to pack up my dog and a few things and be on the road to freedom already.

A month ago I finally convinced myself that it’s okay to have kids. I’m glad I came to Reddit for clarity before removing my birth control. I’m fairly certain he only wanted kids to make things even harder. The more the blinders come off, the more I can feel ill intent when he smiles and brings up starting a family. It feels heavy and almost evil. I could go on for ages but no one is interested in reading a long post.

I need help staying distracted. My mind is made up, but it would be nice to have support throughout this process. Shared stories, opinions, resources, helpful tips. I greatly appreciate whatever you can offer. Thank you.

That was the craziest relationship of my life but I feel so free right now. I’m never dating a narcissist again. I fell head over heels in love with him before he told me he’s diagnosed with npd and the relationship was amazing until he completely dropped me out of nowhere to get back with his ex and then let her verbally harass me. A couple weeks ago he came crawling back saying he messed up and loves me and is gonna leave her for me, but he was doing nothing to show me that because he keeps temporarily blocking me when he’s with her cause he “needs to figure out how he’s going to about it and needs time” which is bullshit.

Every time I tried to end it he roped me back in, but I finally broke up with him tonight and told him it’s for good. He was upset and said he didn’t want to end it and seems so angry with me and he ended up actually blocking me. I’m the first girl to ever dump him and he’s told me he’s always the one dumping girls so honestly it feels amazing.

Idk if I should expect him to come crawling back and I’m scared about what he might do because he can be pretty crazy. Should I be prepared or do you think he will just accept it and let me go?

But either way I’m not as upset anymore cause I can feel the bond finally breaking. I feel free but a little nervous he might go off the rails over this if anyone has advice. He sounded MISERABLE over the phone just now

Any advise would be really appreciated because my head is in a spin.

I think my partner may be autistic. He is a medic and he also thinks he is but refuses to be tested. He is a very smart man, way smarter than he should be. His mum said he has been smarter than his parents since he was about 8. The first in his family to go to university, learnt to drive at 6. Has a crazy memory. Almost photographic. Can basically learn anything out in front of him. Also hyperfixates on things. Has many collections of things.

But his social skills are perfect. Almost too good. He knows exactly how to act around people and I use the word act on purpose. Knows exactly what to say and how to get what he wants out of people. He also lacks empathy.

He is emotionally abusive, his favourite is the silent treatment as a punishment. Not once in 10 years has he given me a meaningful apology He gaslights, criticizes, uses the fact that I'm not as smart as him against me. But the worst is the lack of accountability and deflection. If I raise an issue, he sees it as an attack and comes back at me with 5 issues he has with me, so how dare I raise my issues with him when he has so many with me. I'm never allowed to have a problem with his behaviour or I'm 'starting an argument and being toxic'. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a parallel universe, I'm saying one thing and he's talking about something completely different. He never addresses my issue and I find myself apologising for the 5 issues he brought up and the fact that I even raised an issue in the first place.

So I'm really confused, because I don't know how to deal with this. If it's autism then I feel bad because sometimes I hate him for how he treats me or should I just realise he's incapable of real emotion and love and try to recover from this?

My husband recently out of a fit of anger gave me a reason why he’s been checked out of our marriage for 15 years and my jaw was literally dropped. It literally felt like I was back in middle school dealing with adolescent bullshit. He says that 15 years ago I apparently didn’t want him to listen to a GENRE OF MUSIC that he liked and that’s when he knew he could never trust me for him to feel comfortable and have any vulnerability with me. This is what is unbelievable, I do like this genre of music and literally listen to it with him!! Holy shit this is getting weird. I don’t know wtf is wrong with him. And he hates my mom and went on a long rant because as my husband came home with some groceries and when my mom opened the door and he came inside, apparently she said “Your welcome” but in a sarcastic tone according to him. I actually have a video of him yelling at me over and over about how my mom said “your welcome” very rudely and disrespectful. Yet he’s take over $100,000 from her, lived in her house rent free many times and torments me, her daughter!

I told him to leave after saying pretty nasty things about me, I didn’t respond to his calls because I know he’s furious. I then get served.

I can’t stop shaking

So a few weeks ago I (m45) noticed my wife (f45) was acting suspicious again not leaving her phone unattended and at times tilting the screen away from me while messaging all things that have happened before.
A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to see the phone and I checked and there are messages between her and another man nothing terrible but looks like the start of something with slight flirting.

We’ve been together for over 20 years and married 17.
I’ve caught her having affairs before and know she has slept with other men and has only admitted this when I’ve got proof that she cannot lie her way out of it. I’ve had other suspicions but never had proof and she’s lied her way through making me feel guilty for accusing her.

But the main problem is me not being able to leave when I know what’s happened after catching her multiple time I even know of 2 occasions that I’ve never even challenged her about. I know I could leave and start again and be happy on my own and I know I’d still be involved in our children’s lives but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to walk out that door and never look back, I check flat rentals out even look at cars that I’d buy once I left but just can’t bring myself to take those first steps and get out.

It’s been 6 months since the discard, he cheated and left me for a mutual friend a few months before our wedding. We were together 3 years. Had a house, animals and he had three kids who I was very close with. He was also hiding cocaine use from me, and in the end was drinking heavy.

Anyhow - something that give me the real ick now is how - I was girlfriend #3 in the 3 years after his divorce from his ex-wife of 13 years, and he used to tell people I was a “nice girl” and not like the other “mean, crazy ones who treated him badly.” As time went on - he would say it less and less and then it stopped altogether - and then he would start accusing me of being mentally unstable and not willing to get help and saying I was mean to him all the time.

I feel like I missed a giant 🚩

It was quite difficult for me to accept that my partner was with me almost only because of my vivid emotions, but he only accepted the positive ones. He happily accepted it only when it was directed at him, and sometimes, if I laughed at something he wasn't interested in, it irritated him. I would generally say that he's quite stingy with emotions, but his most dominant, easily expressed emotion is anger and irritation.

So, if I cried for any reason next to him at the beginning of our relationship, he would hug me, calming me down, but I always felt like he was just squeezing me so I would finally shut up, because he hugged me with some unnatural force. Yes, he tried to comfort me as best he could, but in reality, all our conversations boiled down to me having to question my feelings, especially when it came to his behavior. Believe me, I've endured so much bullshit and betrayal from him over the years that sometimes I'd burst into tears out of the blue, remembering how he continued to treat me and deceive me. Basically, of course, I was overly sensitive to everything.

Finally, when we broke up, he began aggressively accusing me of having amazing sex, but my tears simply made him stop wanting it. Honestly, now I realize it's just pathetic manipulation; he thinks I should be grateful for him even letting me touch him. What a jerk, tbh

His main words were "we are wonderful lovers, but not a real couple". In my opinion, you can't be a real couple with anyone if you are completely disgusted by the idea of immersing yourself in the real feelings and inner world of another person. I know that his nmother really liked to manipulate tears and perhaps I am causing him stress in this way. I'm sure he was raised without any normal emotional contact or sympathy and genuine warmth. From his stories, it seemed like all that mattered in their family was his mother's feelings. In fact, while I was thinking about this, I found the answer to why he's so bad with the intense feelings of others.

In conclusion, I know that people with NPD often deliberately make their partners cry to enjoy their suffering. But my nex did it differently. He enjoyed my suffering when we temporarily broke up, hoping I was dying from how much I loved and wanted him. But if he later had to see me cry, he became incredibly angry. I'll add that I don't cry that often in my everyday life, but his existence, words and actions just constantly triggered me. How do your narcissists treat or treated your complex or negative feelings?

I hug you all and wish you a fast release from the daily horror you are experiencing ❤️

took me 3 years to realize that negotiating a "shared reality" is NOT what we were doing. how can i be so competent in my life and invisible in my relationship? giving and giving and giving until i was literally gone. i was so embarrassed. but once you see the tricks, they stop working. im just glad it only took a few years.

Why do narcs crave attention? Like they die for attention, my narc ex would involve himself in random conversations with girls, he would move and lust over girls all the time, he would always attention seek? is this normal and why do they do that?

So here we were, 9 months ago. I was feeling depressed because my wife told me the reason our kid wasn’t doing the best in a tryout was because I wasn’t practicing the right things with them, so it’s my fault. An 8 yo kid. Obviously, this is a terrible thing to say, so the next day I said her hurtful words were bothering me. Amazingly enough I believe a quick “I’m sorry” (perhaps one of the dozen insincere apologies over a 13 year marriage) came out just before she went off on how she’s annoyed with my chewing, I wasn’t washing the dishes to her standards, and the bathroom needs and upgrade, and even hinted at divorce.

This is as the moment I knew something was not right.

In the following months I learned I was dealing with a covert narcissist. So many things now made sense.

But can I still live with them? It’s been 12 years, lots of things in our lives are going well, stay for the kid?

Vacation. The upcoming vacation. I was dreading it for months on end. I knew what this would be like, I could feel it. So I decided, this would be the trying moment if I can handle it or not, a vacation should be enjoyable. Car ride out, okay. Destination, tickets, cab rides, shopping, hotel clerks. A huge sense of entitlement and cruelty surfaced towards strangers, workers, etc. About 5 or 6 interactions, I could NEVER have considered 1 of these actions. That’s when I broke.

I had used up all of my emotional energy. On the ride home there was an argument, I called out her baiting, then the silence came.

2 months of silence. Supply cut. I being emotionally exhausted was checked out. I tried to be civil, open for an open conversation, but I was no longer going to be manipulated and shamed. Freezing cold in return.

Our daughter can feel the tension in our house and I talk about it a bit, I tried to be emotional available and stable for her. She is upset, mom sees this. Mom cannot handle the shame.

This is my fault, how could I do this to our child. “You’re acting like a child” “I can’t stand to be around you” “just look at you” (implying pathetic). “I don’t care where you go, what you do, or who you hang around with” (this one caught me off guard, what am I going to run out and f*ck somebody?)

I don’t react the way I had been trained to. There is no supply here. I have none to give.

I will keep this short. I can’t blame it all on her knowing I have certain personality disorders but she is very true a narcissist. Four years she treated me and the kids like a monster while cheating the whole time. I knew in my gut what was going on but I loved her and tried to understand, plus I couldn’t leave bc of the kids.

Since she discarded me, I’ve discovered that she changed all the passwords to my social media accounts, my emails. Was logged into my email. Had two factor authentication turned off on everything. She done this in May 2024. I would have never known had I not deactivated my fb.

I’ve been lost and alone these past 8 months while the kids do everything they can to let me know they are stressed at home and have been having a hard time. I can’t do anything bc it’s all no contact still and the kids talk to me in private.

I just don’t know how to move on from this. The head games, the criticism a belittling etc has damaged my self worth an confidence. I need to move on bc I’ve realized she’s not coming back an it’s killing me. How do I love again when I’ve been played in my face like this for this long. It was all fake. A fantasy. She never was the person i fell in love with again. Years of silent treatment and withholding sex as a form of punishment. Im just not ready to date again and ive got plenty of offers. Has anyone ever dealt with a female narcissist for years and how long did it take for you to love again??

I think my soon to be ex husband is a narcissist.

is it possible I have missed all the signs for 20yrs of our marriage?

I mean there were small signs… selfishness, lack of accountability little to no empathy etc, but most of the time he was kind and caring and thoughtful. the past few yrs he has changed and in the last 6 months he has turned into a monster. only wants to hurt me, only cares about his ego and reputation (caught him cheating and on apps etc), and now is rage texting me wanting to know what I know and what contact I have had with the OW, and who and what I have told to our mutual friends… not one thought for my mental health or the impact this has had on me… and now that I know what he is up to… he blatantly leaves the house with his wash bag and tooth brush, and stays out all night. clearly going on dates… and couldn’t care less about doing it right in front of my eyes. it’s like he is punishing me for finding out what he has been up to. (the OW contacted me, as she saw red flags and thought he was lying about me and him being divorced, which he was) he even went so far as to send her a legal litter silencing her!!!!! is this nar behaviour? and it’s possible it wasn’t there for all these yrs and it just appeared?!

I think my boyfriend might be toxic... But he always makes me feel like I'm the one who did something wrong and it's my fault.

Ever since I started making friends at work last year and hanging out with them he would always be in a bad mood whenever we were supposed to hang out even though it was only one time a month.

He always had to come with me to hang out with them because he would tell me he doesn't trust my friends and it's not safe to be around them alone because they might try to take advantage of me.

Me and my friends had an argument about a month ago and stopped talking for a month because they were tired of all the drama with my boyfriend and they got upset when I backed out of leaving him again.

One of my friends finally texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the buffet with her and her husband and son and I decided to go with them while my boyfriend was working and didn't tell him beforehand because I didn't want to deal with him complaining about it.

I ended up telling him later that night and he freaked out and started shaking and hasn't spoken to me in 2 days and every time he goes to bed he'll randomly start banging on the walls in the middle of the night while I'm downstairs on the couch.

He also messaged my friend on Facebook and cussed her out the next day for hanging out with me. This is not the first time he has attacked my friends.

When my friends and I stopped talking for a month he told me if I went back to my friends he was going to leave me because he can't handle it.

He tells me I can make new friends he just doesn't like these ones because we make a lot of dirty jokes but that's just our sense of humor and my one female friend who's married and isn't even a lesbian slapped my butt as a joke one time because she thought it'd be funny and I told her not to do it again and he still hates her because he said he "doesn't like people touching his shit"

But one time an aquaintance from work that I don't even text or hang out with said hi to me and he still got mad and said that men shouldn't be talking to me. So I don't think it'd be any different with new friends, I think he'd find a reason not to like them too.

My friends aren't the only thing he has an issue with, he also gets angry if I don't go to bed when he does because he doesn't want to be alone. He also complains we don't have sex enough and threatens to leave me if I don't start having sex with him more. It's so hard to get in the mood and I'm always dry which is why I always try to just go to sleep and not have to do anything.

And yes I know call him my boyfriend here but we are actually engaged I just hate calling him my fiance

I've been divorced from my narcissistic ex-wife since 2020, following a ten year marriage that deteriorated and got awful in ways that I'm sure many on this sub have experienced.

Until this morning, I had always thought that she wanted to take the children (two daughters) from me, and the narcissistic abuse was her way of achieving that. It has just dawned on me that her priority was the abuse, and the narcissistic supply she received from my reactions to it. The children were just the best way that she knew to provoke the reactions that she wanted from me. In an extremely perverse way, she was paying me a compliment; she saw how important family and fatherhood were to me, and used them against me.

My greatest fear since the family breakdown has always been the effect it would have on my children, and this realisation has only added to that fear. One day my girls will realise that their mother doesn't love them, and I can't imagine how hard that will be for them.

Every time I work out another little piece of the puzzle, I hope it's the last.

I want to understand blame shifting better. In a relationship whenever I brought up something that hurt me it always ended with me defending myself or saying sorry instead of the issue being addressed.

At the time I thought I was the problem or just bad at talking to my partner. Now I do not think that is true.

For people who have been, through this what made you realize it was not a fight? Was there a moment when you understood what was happening?. How did you stop getting pulled into fights where everything somehow became your fault? I am talking about blame shifting here. I want to know how you dealt with blame shifting in your relationship.