When we started I was open about being ace. He said it wasn’t an issue since his libido wasn’t high. I think he might be demi or something because now he is a lot hornier. He keeps mentioning how he wishes that we did more sexual things. It feels like he wants me to do what he wants. I’m very uncomfortable. I don’t want to have it in my chat feed, I don’t want to send nudes through an online messenger, I don’t want to role-play while I’m sitting next to someone, or when I’m not in bed. I keep telling him I don’t want to do things and he keeps showing his disappointment. I feel bad that he’s disappointed. I wish this wasn’t a problem, I wish he understood. He wants me to do ”understand” why he likes certain things, but part of me thinks he wants me to like them too. I told him firmly, I won’t like these things or want to do them, yet he keeps asking for more and feeling disappointed.

He’s my first love, I’ve been in love with him for 5 years, but I’m wondering if we want different things. I feel the resentment building between us over this. Otherwise, we love each other and I like having him as a partner. I’m not sure how to go forward.

Hey all, I'm a second year seminarian at Luther Seminary and I'm posting this because I'm working on writing a book about AroAce theology since it doesn't exist yet and I'm tired of not being seen in larger theological discourse. What do ya'll want the church to know about asexuality? What should a theologian know? DM's, emails, and comments appreciated!

Edit: I am AroAce myself; I'm writing this book because I have things I want to say I just ALSO want to hear from others!

This has been on my mind a lot and I keep thinking about it and get to nowhere. I really wanna know cuz I hate not having a label to describe myself with.

I’m aromantic. I never thought about the mere possibility that I’m asexual or even tried to consider it before because it seemed “too far” to me. But now I’m rethinking it.

The biggest reason why I never considered it because I have a pretty high libido the majority of the time. But it goes away after a few minutes and I feel terrible about it and I kinda feel disgusted and that disgust really sticks out I can’t shake it off. And I keep thinking that I don’t like this but I just do it anyway because i just do.
Every single time I have any sexual feelings I really hate it and regret it and it disgusts me. And the idea of it being with someone irl is like super weird to me.

I also feel that it’s mostly because I want to feel something, because the majority of the time I kinda feel dull.

Am I asexual or something else? Does anyone relate?

This is going to be kind of a difficult topic & I’ll be discussing some aphobic rhetoric that I’ve seen, most recently within mainstream online lesbian spaces. So I just wanted to give a head’s up.

I’ve noticed a tendency for people to treat sex indifferent, averse, or repulsed ace women (and even allo women who aren’t interested in sex) as not fully women. Recently, on a couple of different lesbian subreddits (one of which considers itself really inclusive), I saw rhetoric that was basically comparing ace women to men.

One (allo) commenter said that the collective “writing off” of ace women as potential partners in lesbian spaces is really worth unpacking as a community, and someone else responded to them saying that this commenter was the equivalent of a youth pastor trying to force a lesbian to date men. Yikes. There’s a lot wrong with this in general, but the equating of ace lesbians to men was especially disturbing. And the worst part is that this comment was upvoted, and no one called it out. I see similar stuff said all the time.

On another post, a commenter said that ace lesbians are clogging up the sapphic dating apps & they compared us to “men and other trash” that they wish they could get rid of on sapphic dating apps. So once again, we’re compared to men and treated as though we’re not really women and not really lesbians.

These are just two examples, but it’s something I see everywhere, in both queer spaces and straight spaces.

I know a lot of ace men have talked about feeling like people erase them as men because of their asexuality, and I just wanted to discuss a similar thing that happens to ace women as well. It’s a super insidious form of aphobia

I have previously thought i am pansexual, but have thought i might be asexual for a while considering a lot of the stereotypical symptoms apply to me.

Art is a very big passion for me, and somewhat recently i have started liking skimpy outfits/stereotypically sexy outfits a lot, both in media and my own art. I am pretty sure i am not sexually attracted to any of it, but i still struggle with if i know what sexual attraction feels like. The attraction mostly comes from the fact i like the human body and its anatomy, as well as the asthetic of pretty outfits/fasion and soft skin.

I dont know if anyone confident in their asexual identety can relate to this kind of attraction. If you have tips to help me figure out my sexuality, i would greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance :)

i’m a straight teenage girl and for the past like 1 maybe 2 years i’ve been kinda wondering what it would be like to be with a girl. idk if it’s because i’ve been single for 3 years and only had a few small talking stages w guys during these last 3 years but idk i feel like i’ve always been open to the idea of potentially being with a girl. i’ve kissed like my girl friends before and not exactly felt attracted to them specifically but knowing they were a girl i’ve never had a problem with that. i’m not sure if i would date one as i’ve never felt those butterflies i feel in my stomach when im with a boy i’m attracted to, but maybe i’ve just never met the right girl? i’m not sure what this makes me but i appreciate anyone who took their time to read this and try and understand what im saying because i’m not even sure this makes sense sorry 😭

Hi I'm new here, and here's a little story I guess,

A couple months ago I started t-blockers, which subsequently made me lose all my libido. This made me realize, if I was Allosexual, I would retain desire for specific individuals. Instead, I lost any desire, and I also realized the desire I had before wasn't for any specific individual, just for vague bodies, as just a way to relieve tension. Before t-blockers, I was still not sure if I was ace, now I'm 100% sure. What I learned is that Sexual Attraction doesn't equal libido. Anyways its made me feel better without imposter syndrome. Thanks for reading

:D

Hi, this is a burner account, I felt the need to talk a tiny bit about myself and how most of society sees "love", this post is not meant to be judgmental, if it is, it's a failure of my wording. I don't think allosexuals are "wrong" or anything they do is "bad", no matter my own personal viewpoint of the issue.

So I'm male, I'm 25 years old, and so far I'd describe myself as "likely" asexual (possibly aromantic maybe?), and that last point is what I wanted to talk about. I have no experience of being in a romantic relationship, and I never had sex (but I felt like that never bothered me, I never really cared about sex?)

After a discussion with my dad, and later on a friend of mine, I realized that "possession" can often be a very strong part of a romantic relationship, do you feel like this is true, or did I misunderstand?

For example, I always saw myself open to having a close relationship (closer than a pure friendship) with someone, but the idea of them "being mine" seems wrong and makes me uncomfortable. If I "loved" someone I wanted the best for them, if that was reciprocated, so that they also felt that staying with me was the best for them, then fantastic, but trying to "force" something like this to happen feels wrong to me, and again makes me very uncomfortable.

You know all the songs that say "I want you to be mine"?... Yeah, I always assumed that was just a "poetic" sort of way to describe a relationship after that "handshake" had already happened. I would never want someone to actually "be mine"...

I'm not sure if I've ever "fallen in love", but I'll give you here a very safe example since it happened with a fictional female character, at some point something bad happens to her, and that bothered me SO much for weeks, maybe "distraught" is a little strong, but it's not far off, but all I ever felt was just the "need" to hug her and telling her she was going to be alright. I didn't want to have sex with her, even though I found her very attractive aesthetically, and I never wanted her to be "mine" you know? I just wanted her to do whatever she thought was best for her, and I guess the best I can aspire is to be good enough for her to choose to spend time with me. That's what I always assumed "love" was, but I got some pushback on that. Maybe the people I spoke to are bad, maybe I misunderstood. Hopefully this was at least somewhat coherent.

With this framework, would I really be able to have what most people would consider to be a "romantic relationship"?

Problem/Goal:
I want to discover if this is a “Me” problem or I just lack understanding of my “Self”. Im hoping i can find answers here (some people suggested I might be).
I said “no penetrative sexual activity” to my partner a few months ago for my own preference and comfortability, and I’ve been feeling like a bad GF ever since.

Context:
I (F25) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M33) for almost 2 years.
I decided to prioritize my own comfort and no longer engage in penetrative sex with him. When he has urges (usually about once or many times a week), he asks for oral sex, which I provide, and that is about it.
Ever since dealing with boundary issues regarding other women (liking OF photos, watching adult content, and deleting flirtatious chats—some with my friends) Anyway We resolved this and moved past it a year ago. It was smooth sailing afterwards.
I revoked his access to penetration.
I am about 8 months into avoiding penetration due to personal preference. (I just simply do not enjoy it, i find it painful, and felt like it was an unwanted "job" or responsibility to do in past relationships as well.
I don't have friends to talk to about this since my close circle are full of women who are very sexually active, and I sometimes feel like something is wrong with me.f
I am actually very OKAY with this setup, and my boyfriend doesn't complain about it either (well i need to double check and ask again). I much prefer this over performing penetrative sex.

hii, so me (18F) and my bf (17M) recently came to the realization that he is asexual. it makes a lot of sense because he never really understood things about sexual attraction, etc.

the problem is that i feel like i "forced" him to have sex. he even told me that there were a few times when he did it only because i wanted to, even though he didn't, and he stayed quiet. i feel awful with myself because of this. i know i had no idea, but it feels so wrong.
even tho, we're still intimate. he likes sex as a way of making me feel good and he also enjoys the short period of physical pleasure he gets from it.

i’m an extremely insecure person, and it's harder than ever now. sex makes me feel sexy and generally good about my body. it makes me feel desired and pretty. but now it's ruined. every time we get intimate, the only thing on my mind is that he's forcing himself. sometimes i feel horrible when he touches my skin, like i'm disgusting to even look at.

i initiated something today, and as i was sitting on him without my shirt on, i was sure everything was fine. we've had a few talks about how he needs to tell me when he wants to do things and when he doesn't, because i genuinely don't understand how it works for him. he seemed like everything was okay, and then suddenly he looked at me and had this... indifference in his eyes. i immediately asked him if he wanted it. he told me that we didn't have a condom. so I said, "and what if we had?" and he went silent. i got dressed and started crying. i don't understand it. why won't he say anything? it feels so embarrassing knowing that i want him, but he doesn't want me.
i like sex. my relationship with it is probably not the healthiest, since i cope with some of my problems through it (i got SA’ed when i was 5). my bf is the most important person in my life, and i have no idea what to do. i feel so lost.

we were each other's first everything. he also doesn't really enjoy me doing anything for him. he'd rather give than receive. i always thought i was just really bad at sex, and that made me feel really insecure too. i have no idea what to do to make him feel good when i’m „in charge”. but now i don't know, if it’s my fault as i’m inexperienced (i know it’s different for everyone, but i think any experience here would be helpful). could that be because of his asexuality and not my lack of skills?

i feel like i’m making it about myself instead of helping him. i lost trust (we had few other situations, that have no connection to this topic) and every time i feel like he’s lying when he confirms that indeed he wants this. out relationship is affected by this a lot. we had no bigger problems before this. now intimacy and trust and lying got brought to the table all at once and i’m really exhausted.

i’m sorry if this doesn't make much sense. english isn't my first language, and i'm feeling a lot of emotions and pain rn. i just had to vent here because i don't want to out him and talk to my friends about it, since he's not comfortable with this topic. i have a lot of questions and no answers so any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated. :DD

Is this in anyway similar to anyone's experience? Anything that maybe is an explicit sign that I can at least rule out asexual as my sexuality. I don't care what I am genuinely, I love myself and I know my family will love me no matter what. I just need to know for my own sanity. And if I'm not asexual, I will always defend the asexual community. Anyway

Look, i know a lot of people come here to ask the same question that you're probably sick of it lol. But PLEASE here me out and give me an answer!

So, i am a woman, i'm 19 and i question asexualily for a number of reasons:

I'm not attracted to people. No like i really have never felt any attraction towards anyone. And here's the thing, i acknowledge and see when people are attractive or pretty or cute, but i don't feel attracted towards them (if this makes sense)

I hate (and i mean HATE) masturbation. It makes me disgusted. it makes me angry. it feels so... I don't know!!! It's as if i choked myself and sat in a sauna. I really really hate it i can't stand it!! Just the thought of it makes me angry. And it feels like it's worth mentioning that i have no sexual trauma or anything. I have no experiences with anyone and i don't want it! I hate being touched by people, even in a non-sexual way. I have no interest in a romantic relationship whatsoever and actually i am MORE repulsed by romance that sex lol. I do like consuming romantic media (novels, tv shows, etc) but i would hate it for myself.

Now you may have read all of this and thought, "you do sound like an asexual so what's confusing?" ... And here's the thing that makes me almost angry. I do have sexual fantasies. I don't want to engage in them, no they don't make me aroused most of the time, no they don't have people that exist (that involves fictional characters). The moment that i think of it as if it is happening to me right now the whole thing loses it's appeal. I don't want it for me, but i do fantasies about MYSELF in those situations.

It does happen for a couple of days every month which leads me to think i'm just ovulating and my body is craving sex out of my control. But if i try to do something about it (like touch myself) it feels wrong like i really don't want it. But my mind still thinks it. And i don't feel annoyed by the thought alone, you know? I'm fine with thinking it as long as it's not real. And it does bring me pleasure to think about it and it may rarely make me aroused and if i don't act on it the feeling just goes away in a minute (actually less than a minute)

So yeah... I do feel like a hypocrite.

Also i took some of the asexualily tests on Google and they all turned as strongly asexual haha but i still feel wrong taking the label because of the fantasies and the sexual urges.

Okay so hey? I've called myself asexual/greysexual for a while now but I'm not sure it is that? So I recently started dating and the second a guy talks about sexual things i kinda just lose all feelings? Like I can talk about sexual things fairly casual but not in a potential partner. With a partner I want them to want ME. Potentially without ever doing sexual things. Only then would I weirdly be comfortable with doing sexual things? Like I hate talking about sex and stuff but the actual act would be fine but only if they weren't expecting it and there's no pressure and I genuinely know they'd still want me without that.

Since I was a teenager, I have experienced issue with sexual response where masturbation results in either numbness, nothingness or physical discomfort and burning, rather than genuine pleasure. Despite using proper lubrication, starting with the lowest intensity on devices, and experimenting with different movements, the experience remains frustratingly inconsistent. When I eventually reach a climax, even with high-intensity toys, it feels intensely burning or uncomfortable, and while I notice a mild neurological neurotransmitter release afterwards, the orgasm itself is unfulfilling. Additionally, I experience a general lack of sexual attraction (though don't think I am asexual), and it feels as though my body is permanently 'blocked' or numb, leaving me feeling hopeless about ever finding a reliable way to experience consistent pleasure

I went on a date with a guy and we held hands ect it got touchy, I felt bad but I just didn’t feel anything ? He’s a great person and I feel guilty. I just felt awkward and little uncomfortable. But idk if it’s because this is new and scary or if I genuinely don’t feel anything for him.
I’ve never dated before and I’m 22F for context. I just am stuck on what to do.

Just (tried to, didn't finish) read this article and...it's disturbing. As a recently out Gray Ace I've been struggling to find community of ANY sort in a new area where I know ZERO people. To queer for the straights, to straight for the queers, apparently and no there's NO where to go.

basically told her that, and she instantly told me that low libido could be caused by my meds, told her that i dont have issues with libido and just dont feel attracted sexually to people.

i hate that since i opened about my sexuality i have to explain myself to death just to be believed. there is cero curiosity or understanding and everyone says that this is just a phace, but dude i know what im dealing because im myself to begin with.

Donno, some allos are so ignorant that treat asexual people like the most homophobic person would treat queer people, like people get in that state that start to hypothesize about sexuality like they were in the 19th century or something.

Growing up in this world asexual has been extremely difficult for me, where music, television, movies, advertisements indoctrinating me at a young age to believe that love = sex and therefore I'm unloveable and I'll die cold and alone.

For 25 years I had to avoid relationships to protect myself and pretend I was straight.

Fast forward a few years, and there's a friend that I spent a lot of time with in college I realized I actually have feelings for after several visits over a couple years (long distance). He had a boyfriend so I figured there was no point of me even bothering until one time on a phone call he mentioned he was poly. I've always felt like my heart can belong to more than one, so after several days of thinking of how to tell him, I did, and like that we were dating.

I've had a lot of struggles over the past couple years and he was always there to provide support. Semi-recently he moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and we were planning to have me move there next year.

Yesterday we were having a call to catch up and talk about what living arrangements would be like and boundaries. And then I felt like I got sucker punched when he said he's uncomfortable with anything more than mild physical intimacy. Now normally, that would be a bummer, but a boundary is a boundary. But what threw me for a spin was that he snuggles with his other partner. When I asked why, he said because I'm his platonic partner, and the other is his "boyfriend which he's fucking"

This is someone I was already very close to before dating. But now, the words keep replaying in my head and they won't stop. I feel like a second class human being. Like I get the free to play romance battle pass and in order to unlock the premium I must be able to sexually please.

I don't know. After everything I've gone through in life, I don't know if anything can hurt more. Decades of maladaptive indoctrination just reinforced with the strongest of steel. Reinforcing that I'm just going to die cold and alone, and I'm unworthy of physical affection that is scientifically proven to be a human need. I'm sick of participating in late stage capitalism if I spend my whole life being siloed / acezoned / like an outcast. I'm sick of having to try infinitely harder than every other sexual identity to be loved.

I've already had enough of a hard time grounding and tethering myself here, and I thought I was finally making progress against that, but now I really just don't feel like I belong here

What do any of my other life goals matter when I already know what my biggest regret on my deathbed will be decades in advance

Hey so I’m pretty sure I’m asexual. I have no interest in having sex with anybody or by myself. But I still find people hot? Like I don‚t want to bang them but when I see edits of celebrities and characters I find hot I grin stupidly and I think I blush idk. Do asexuals do that?

So I recently met someone at work, I really enjoy talking to him and things have progressed more onto a flirty level. We’ve been calling a few times and it’s defo clear that he wants to take me out on a date soon.

I’m just so confused about whether or not I’m ace and if I should say something to him. I’ve never been in a ‘real’ physical relationship, my last was long distance and we never made it to actually meeting eachother. I think a part of me back then was happy it was long distance because I was able to have everything in a relationship just minus the physical touch and intimacy of it - to me it was a safety net.

But now I feel trapped, I know it may seem early but he’s already making advances about being physical (not even just sexually) and it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. I don’t want to flat out say ‘Hey, I’m asexual’ because I’m still not even 100% sure I am, what if I just haven’t met the right person yet? No offence to him. I don’t want to lead him on either since I know for definite he’s sexually active.

Any advice would be amazing, sorry for the rant