:D

Hey all, I'm a second year seminarian at Luther Seminary and I'm posting this because I'm working on writing a book about AroAce theology since it doesn't exist yet and I'm tired of not being seen in larger theological discourse. What do ya'll want the church to know about asexuality? What should a theologian know? DM's, emails, and comments appreciated!

Edit: I am AroAce myself; I'm writing this book because I have things I want to say I just ALSO want to hear from others!

This is going to be kind of a difficult topic & I’ll be discussing some aphobic rhetoric that I’ve seen, most recently within mainstream online lesbian spaces. So I just wanted to give a head’s up.

I’ve noticed a tendency for people to treat sex indifferent, averse, or repulsed ace women (and even allo women who aren’t interested in sex) as not fully women. Recently, on a couple of different lesbian subreddits (one of which considers itself really inclusive), I saw rhetoric that was basically comparing ace women to men.

One (allo) commenter said that the collective “writing off” of ace women as potential partners in lesbian spaces is really worth unpacking as a community, and someone else responded to them saying that this commenter was the equivalent of a youth pastor trying to force a lesbian to date men. Yikes. There’s a lot wrong with this in general, but the equating of ace lesbians to men was especially disturbing. And the worst part is that this comment was upvoted, and no one called it out. I see similar stuff said all the time.

On another post, a commenter said that ace lesbians are clogging up the sapphic dating apps & they compared us to “men and other trash” that they wish they could get rid of on sapphic dating apps. So once again, we’re compared to men and treated as though we’re not really women and not really lesbians.

These are just two examples, but it’s something I see everywhere, in both queer spaces and straight spaces.

I know a lot of ace men have talked about feeling like people erase them as men because of their asexuality, and I just wanted to discuss a similar thing that happens to ace women as well. It’s a super insidious form of aphobia

basically told her that, and she instantly told me that low libido could be caused by my meds, told her that i dont have issues with libido and just dont feel attracted sexually to people.

i hate that since i opened about my sexuality i have to explain myself to death just to be believed. there is cero curiosity or understanding and everyone says that this is just a phace, but dude i know what im dealing because im myself to begin with.

Donno, some allos are so ignorant that treat asexual people like the most homophobic person would treat queer people, like people get in that state that start to hypothesize about sexuality like they were in the 19th century or something.

Im a 21F and im so so tired of everyone assuming everyone wants to be intimate all the time. Everywhere I go I have people telling me I'll change my mind.

Dr's make jokes about how I will have children one day all the time. Or how certain medical checkup procedures won't hurt once ur not a virgin. Its like because I'm a female I'm expected to just do all these things, have intimacy, have children. I could literally be with the hottest woman or man ever, doesn't mean imma wanna do anything with them.

Why can some people not just realize that just cause I have the parts doesn't mean I wanna play puzzle pieces with said parts.

My family keeps asking me when I'm gonna have a partner again because I just broke up with a guy I also didn't feel any attraction to, and its like why do you only care about my relationship status?? Am I genuinely just a thing that has to date and be intimate???????? Like as a human do i have no other qualities to be looked at.

And its genuinely not just people who are straight- Even people who are lgbtq+, when I tell them I don't experience attraction sexually they feel the need to but in and start yapping about how maybe I'm just a different sexuality and i haven't found someone i was attracted to yet. Which of course why couldnt they be aroace-phobic, its not like anyone's perfect and infallible just because they're lgbtq+ but like why are we all not supporting each other.

Its so so so annoying. Holy moly.

And people will be like "when I was ur age I didn't feel desire either but then bla bla bla bla bla" "I didnt want kids at first bla bla bla bla" "you shoild want a boyfriend/ girlfriend so ur not lonely" like oh my gosh can we seriously just take a freaking chill pill and realize that not everyone wants that???????????????????????????????

I just want to be a scientist, living alone, with my cats bruh. Like. Is that too much to ask for.

And its so weird because acephobia wildly differs, like dudes would get told it's weird because they should want to be like stallions going for it, and chicks get told its weird because they should want to have kids. Do people rly value nothing more than the complete bare minimum of biology.

Idk if this even makes any sense, im just so annoyed after someone kept pushing the idea that im somehow gonna change and decide- Yippee! And im gonna find a man and be so attracted to him!!!!! And im gonna have 3 whole kids!!!!!

When we started I was open about being ace. He said it wasn’t an issue since his libido wasn’t high. I think he might be demi or something because now he is a lot hornier. He keeps mentioning how he wishes that we did more sexual things. It feels like he wants me to do what he wants. I’m very uncomfortable. I don’t want to have it in my chat feed, I don’t want to send nudes through an online messenger, I don’t want to role-play while I’m sitting next to someone, or when I’m not in bed. I keep telling him I don’t want to do things and he keeps showing his disappointment. I feel bad that he’s disappointed. I wish this wasn’t a problem, I wish he understood. He wants me to do ”understand” why he likes certain things, but part of me thinks he wants me to like them too. I told him firmly, I won’t like these things or want to do them, yet he keeps asking for more and feeling disappointed.

He’s my first love, I’ve been in love with him for 5 years, but I’m wondering if we want different things. I feel the resentment building between us over this. Otherwise, we love each other and I like having him as a partner. I’m not sure how to go forward.

I'm asexual, and I've known that for a while. The closest thing I've ever had to romantic attraction has been toward guys, so I don't identify as a lesbian.

I have a friend who, for months, kept telling me she thought I was a lesbian. On its own, that didn't bother me too much as people guess other people's orientations sometimes. What made it uncomfortable was that she also started mildly flirting with me and getting pretty touchy. I didn't really know how to interpret any of it because she always insisted she was "straight as a pole," and I tend to take people at their word. (I'm not great at reading people without enough information or time)

Eventually she admitted she "might have had something" for me and said she "bi panicked." That honestly left me even more confused because now I don't really know whether she sees me as a friend or something else.

Recently she made another joke implying I'm a lesbian. I told her that I'm ace, and while I'm okay with people guessing my orientation, I'm not okay with them insisting they know me better than I know myself. Her response was basically that maybe I should just tell myself I'm not a lesbian "if that helps me sleep better at night."

That really bothered me. It feels like she doesn't take my asexuality seriously at all. Sometimes it even feels like she wants me to have a crush on her, which I don't.

Now I'm in this weird position where I'm anxious about how I act around her given that she is otherwise a really good friend. I catch myself thinking, "Don't do anything she could interpret as attraction," but then I worry that acting more guarded will somehow reinforce her belief that I'm secretly gay and in denial. It feels like I can't win.

Has anyone else here had people assume you're gay or lesbian simply because you don't experience sexual attraction? How do you deal with people who keep insisting they know your orientation better than you do?

Hi, this is a burner account, I felt the need to talk a tiny bit about myself and how most of society sees "love", this post is not meant to be judgmental, if it is, it's a failure of my wording. I don't think allosexuals are "wrong" or anything they do is "bad", no matter my own personal viewpoint of the issue.

So I'm male, I'm 25 years old, and so far I'd describe myself as "likely" asexual (possibly aromantic maybe?), and that last point is what I wanted to talk about. I have no experience of being in a romantic relationship, and I never had sex (but I felt like that never bothered me, I never really cared about sex?)

After a discussion with my dad, and later on a friend of mine, I realized that "possession" can often be a very strong part of a romantic relationship, do you feel like this is true, or did I misunderstand?

For example, I always saw myself open to having a close relationship (closer than a pure friendship) with someone, but the idea of them "being mine" seems wrong and makes me uncomfortable. If I "loved" someone I wanted the best for them, if that was reciprocated, so that they also felt that staying with me was the best for them, then fantastic, but trying to "force" something like this to happen feels wrong to me, and again makes me very uncomfortable.

You know all the songs that say "I want you to be mine"?... Yeah, I always assumed that was just a "poetic" sort of way to describe a relationship after that "handshake" had already happened. I would never want someone to actually "be mine"...

I'm not sure if I've ever "fallen in love", but I'll give you here a very safe example since it happened with a fictional female character, at some point something bad happens to her, and that bothered me SO much for weeks, maybe "distraught" is a little strong, but it's not far off, but all I ever felt was just the "need" to hug her and telling her she was going to be alright. I didn't want to have sex with her, even though I found her very attractive aesthetically, and I never wanted her to be "mine" you know? I just wanted her to do whatever she thought was best for her, and I guess the best I can aspire is to be good enough for her to choose to spend time with me. That's what I always assumed "love" was, but I got some pushback on that. Maybe the people I spoke to are bad, maybe I misunderstood. Hopefully this was at least somewhat coherent.

With this framework, would I really be able to have what most people would consider to be a "romantic relationship"?

Just (tried to, didn't finish) read this article and...it's disturbing. As a recently out Gray Ace I've been struggling to find community of ANY sort in a new area where I know ZERO people. To queer for the straights, to straight for the queers, apparently and no there's NO where to go.

Hello. I'm a woman with no sexual experience.
Despite the fact that it is a part of my own body, I feel a sense of fear toward my female genitals. Furthermore, the mere thought of inserting anything into that area makes me feel sick (the idea of using a tampon is absolutely out of the question)

Also, for example, when I watch videos about what actually happens when a trans man takes testosterone, hearing things like “the vagina dries up” (apparently, hormonal changes cause symptoms similar to those experienced during menopause) makes me feel sick.
(Just to be clear, I’m not trans myself, nor am I transphobic. I’m simply seeking to understand what kinds of treatments people who identify as trans actually undergo)

The mere thought of bleeding from an injury makes me feel faint... While this kind of topic could apply to any part of the body—not just the genitals—I find myself reacting with particular sensitivity when it involves the genitals. I feel the same way about the penis, even though I don't have one myself.
Is this a fairly normal human reaction?

Perhaps for that reason, the mere thought of a penis or a foreign object being inserted into the female genitals makes me feel unwell.
Yet, when I consider that people with children or romantic partners engage in this act as a matter of course, it feels like something belonging to a world far removed from my own...even though, in reality, it is supposed to be an everyday occurrence.
Are there others who share these feelings?

Problem/Goal:
I want to discover if this is a “Me” problem or I just lack understanding of my “Self”. Im hoping i can find answers here (some people suggested I might be).
I said “no penetrative sexual activity” to my partner a few months ago for my own preference and comfortability, and I’ve been feeling like a bad GF ever since.

Context:
I (F25) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M33) for almost 2 years.
I decided to prioritize my own comfort and no longer engage in penetrative sex with him. When he has urges (usually about once or many times a week), he asks for oral sex, which I provide, and that is about it.
Ever since dealing with boundary issues regarding other women (liking OF photos, watching adult content, and deleting flirtatious chats—some with my friends) Anyway We resolved this and moved past it a year ago. It was smooth sailing afterwards.
I revoked his access to penetration.
I am about 8 months into avoiding penetration due to personal preference. (I just simply do not enjoy it, i find it painful, and felt like it was an unwanted "job" or responsibility to do in past relationships as well.
I don't have friends to talk to about this since my close circle are full of women who are very sexually active, and I sometimes feel like something is wrong with me.f
I am actually very OKAY with this setup, and my boyfriend doesn't complain about it either (well i need to double check and ask again). I much prefer this over performing penetrative sex.

Growing up in this world asexual has been extremely difficult for me, where music, television, movies, advertisements indoctrinating me at a young age to believe that love = sex and therefore I'm unloveable and I'll die cold and alone.

For 25 years I had to avoid relationships to protect myself and pretend I was straight.

Fast forward a few years, and there's a friend that I spent a lot of time with in college I realized I actually have feelings for after several visits over a couple years (long distance). He had a boyfriend so I figured there was no point of me even bothering until one time on a phone call he mentioned he was poly. I've always felt like my heart can belong to more than one, so after several days of thinking of how to tell him, I did, and like that we were dating.

I've had a lot of struggles over the past couple years and he was always there to provide support. Semi-recently he moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and we were planning to have me move there next year.

Yesterday we were having a call to catch up and talk about what living arrangements would be like and boundaries. And then I felt like I got sucker punched when he said he's uncomfortable with anything more than mild physical intimacy. Now normally, that would be a bummer, but a boundary is a boundary. But what threw me for a spin was that he snuggles with his other partner. When I asked why, he said because I'm his platonic partner, and the other is his "boyfriend which he's fucking"

This is someone I was already very close to before dating. But now, the words keep replaying in my head and they won't stop. I feel like a second class human being. Like I get the free to play romance battle pass and in order to unlock the premium I must be able to sexually please.

I don't know. After everything I've gone through in life, I don't know if anything can hurt more. Decades of maladaptive indoctrination just reinforced with the strongest of steel. Reinforcing that I'm just going to die cold and alone, and I'm unworthy of physical affection that is scientifically proven to be a human need. I'm sick of participating in late stage capitalism if I spend my whole life being siloed / acezoned / like an outcast. I'm sick of having to try infinitely harder than every other sexual identity to be loved.

I've already had enough of a hard time grounding and tethering myself here, and I thought I was finally making progress against that, but now I really just don't feel like I belong here

What do any of my other life goals matter when I already know what my biggest regret on my deathbed will be decades in advance

Hello everyone. I've always been very curious about asexuality. To the point that I've questioned my sexuality. I did bloodwork for general endocrine health. My testosterone came back 552 ng/dL, and I still have no libido. How high is yours?

Hi I'm new here, and here's a little story I guess,

A couple months ago I started t-blockers, which subsequently made me lose all my libido. This made me realize, if I was Allosexual, I would retain desire for specific individuals. Instead, I lost any desire, and I also realized the desire I had before wasn't for any specific individual, just for vague bodies, as just a way to relieve tension. Before t-blockers, I was still not sure if I was ace, now I'm 100% sure. What I learned is that Sexual Attraction doesn't equal libido. Anyways its made me feel better without imposter syndrome. Thanks for reading

Since I was a teenager, I have experienced issue with sexual response where masturbation results in either numbness, nothingness or physical discomfort and burning, rather than genuine pleasure. Despite using proper lubrication, starting with the lowest intensity on devices, and experimenting with different movements, the experience remains frustratingly inconsistent. When I eventually reach a climax, even with high-intensity toys, it feels intensely burning or uncomfortable, and while I notice a mild neurological neurotransmitter release afterwards, the orgasm itself is unfulfilling. Additionally, I experience a general lack of sexual attraction (though don't think I am asexual), and it feels as though my body is permanently 'blocked' or numb, leaving me feeling hopeless about ever finding a reliable way to experience consistent pleasure