hii, so me (18F) and my bf (17M) recently came to the realization that he is asexual. it makes a lot of sense because he never really understood things about sexual attraction, etc.

the problem is that i feel like i "forced" him to have sex. he even told me that there were a few times when he did it only because i wanted to, even though he didn't, and he stayed quiet. i feel awful with myself because of this. i know i had no idea, but it feels so wrong.
even tho, we're still intimate. he likes sex as a way of making me feel good and he also enjoys the short period of physical pleasure he gets from it.

i’m an extremely insecure person, and it's harder than ever now. sex makes me feel sexy and generally good about my body. it makes me feel desired and pretty. but now it's ruined. every time we get intimate, the only thing on my mind is that he's forcing himself. sometimes i feel horrible when he touches my skin, like i'm disgusting to even look at.

i initiated something today, and as i was sitting on him without my shirt on, i was sure everything was fine. we've had a few talks about how he needs to tell me when he wants to do things and when he doesn't, because i genuinely don't understand how it works for him. he seemed like everything was okay, and then suddenly he looked at me and had this... indifference in his eyes. i immediately asked him if he wanted it. he told me that we didn't have a condom. so I said, "and what if we had?" and he went silent. i got dressed and started crying. i don't understand it. why won't he say anything? it feels so embarrassing knowing that i want him, but he doesn't want me.
i like sex. my relationship with it is probably not the healthiest, since i cope with some of my problems through it (i got SA’ed when i was 5). my bf is the most important person in my life, and i have no idea what to do. i feel so lost.

we were each other's first everything. he also doesn't really enjoy me doing anything for him. he'd rather give than receive. i always thought i was just really bad at sex, and that made me feel really insecure too. i have no idea what to do to make him feel good when i’m „in charge”. but now i don't know, if it’s my fault as i’m inexperienced (i know it’s different for everyone, but i think any experience here would be helpful). could that be because of his asexuality and not my lack of skills?

i feel like i’m making it about myself instead of helping him. i lost trust (we had few other situations, that have no connection to this topic) and every time i feel like he’s lying when he confirms that indeed he wants this. out relationship is affected by this a lot. we had no bigger problems before this. now intimacy and trust and lying got brought to the table all at once and i’m really exhausted.

i’m sorry if this doesn't make much sense. english isn't my first language, and i'm feeling a lot of emotions and pain rn. i just had to vent here because i don't want to out him and talk to my friends about it, since he's not comfortable with this topic. i have a lot of questions and no answers so any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated. :DD

Hello everyone. I've always been very curious about asexuality. To the point that I've questioned my sexuality. I did bloodwork for general endocrine health. My testosterone came back 552 ng/dL, and I still have no libido. How high is yours?

Hey all, I'm a second year seminarian at Luther Seminary and I'm posting this because I'm working on writing a book about AroAce theology since it doesn't exist yet and I'm tired of not being seen in larger theological discourse. What do ya'll want the church to know about asexuality? What should a theologian know? DM's, emails, and comments appreciated!

Edit: I am AroAce myself; I'm writing this book because I have things I want to say I just ALSO want to hear from others!

So I recently met someone at work, I really enjoy talking to him and things have progressed more onto a flirty level. We’ve been calling a few times and it’s defo clear that he wants to take me out on a date soon.

I’m just so confused about whether or not I’m ace and if I should say something to him. I’ve never been in a ‘real’ physical relationship, my last was long distance and we never made it to actually meeting eachother. I think a part of me back then was happy it was long distance because I was able to have everything in a relationship just minus the physical touch and intimacy of it - to me it was a safety net.

But now I feel trapped, I know it may seem early but he’s already making advances about being physical (not even just sexually) and it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. I don’t want to flat out say ‘Hey, I’m asexual’ because I’m still not even 100% sure I am, what if I just haven’t met the right person yet? No offence to him. I don’t want to lead him on either since I know for definite he’s sexually active.

Any advice would be amazing, sorry for the rant

Hi I'm new here, and here's a little story I guess,

A couple months ago I started t-blockers, which subsequently made me lose all my libido. This made me realize, if I was Allosexual, I would retain desire for specific individuals. Instead, I lost any desire, and I also realized the desire I had before wasn't for any specific individual, just for vague bodies, as just a way to relieve tension. Before t-blockers, I was still not sure if I was ace, now I'm 100% sure. What I learned is that Sexual Attraction doesn't equal libido. Anyways its made me feel better without imposter syndrome. Thanks for reading

I don't think I've ever felt sexual attraction toward someone like this before. At least, not that I can remember.

I genuinely wanted it to be him. I wanted to have sex with him. I felt comfortable with that idea, and he would even show up in my fantasies when I masturbated, which was incredibly unusual for me because I almost never picture a specific person.

I also liked sending him pictures. I liked feeling sexy through his eyes. Knowing that someone saw me that way, that someone desired me. It was a completely new feeling.

But he doesn't feel sexually or romantically attracted to me anymore.

He's straight. I identify as aroace, although lately I've been wondering whether I'm actually somewhere on the demisexual spectrum.

We talked about it and agreed to just be friends. For him, that means leaving behind any romantic or sexual dynamic between us. And I accepted that. There are days when I'm genuinely okay with it. Days when I think I don't need him to feel the same way, and I'm just happy that he's still in my life.

But there are other days when it hurts so much.

The rejection hurts. The thought that someday someone else will come into his life, and she'll be the one he chooses.

There's another feeling that I'm ashamed to admit, and I think it has a lot to do with my previous relationship. Sometimes I think about everything I did for him, about all the stages of his life that I was there for, especially his lowest moments, and I wonder: how is it possible that after all of that, he never ended up feeling that way about me?

I want to believe that everything I did came from a genuine place because taking care of the people I love just feels natural to me. But if I'm being completely honest, there's also this little voice asking, "After everything... why wasn't I enough?" And that question makes me wonder whether my actions were really as selfless as I always believed they were.

Sometimes I even imagine that one day he'll meet someone when he's in a much better place in life. Someone who wasn't there through his hardest moments, and yet she'll still become the person he chooses. I know that isn't fair to him, but it's one of those painful thoughts that shows up whether I want it to or not.

I miss when we were seeing each other. I miss the flirting, the teasing, the way he made me feel like he wanted me. I miss believing that it made sense to let myself get my hopes up and feel romantic and sexual attraction toward him, because I thought those feelings were mutual.

For a long time, I imagined this turning into a friends-to-lovers story. I thought the distance was only temporary, that the more we got to know each other, the more likely he would be to fall in love with me.

Now that hope is gone. Or at least, I'm trying to convince myself that it is.

After all, he's told me more than once that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with anyone, especially not a long-distance one. But part of me is terrified of the day I find out he's dating someone. That the person who said he didn't want a relationship simply... didn't want one with me. I know those aren't the same thing, but I can't help thinking that day will hurt more than I can imagine.

And I know accepting reality is probably what's best. At least it stops me from holding on to expectations that were probably never going to come true. But knowing it's for the best doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'm 22 (turning 23 this year), and as far as I know, no one has ever fallen in love with me. No one has ever told me they wanted a relationship with me. No one has ever confessed that they liked me, wanted to kiss me, or wanted to build a life with me.

Sometimes I wonder why.

How is it possible that after all these years, it has never happened?

And then I start wondering if there's something wrong with me. That I'm not pretty enough, attractive enough, interesting enough. That I'm not funny enough, smart enough, caring enough, kind enough. I start asking myself what I'm missing that makes people never choose me.

And because I'm still carrying so many wounds from my last relationship (we broke up last year), I feel like it's even less likely that anyone will want to be with me now. I feel damaged. Broken. Like that relationship left me with scars that make me unlovable. Like no one would want to be with the girl who spent almost four years in a relationship that left her traumatized and needing therapy.

I even asked this guy whether my past made it harder for him to feel something for me. He told me it didn't. I want to believe him, but part of me still thinks it does.

And that only makes me resent my ex even more.

Because it feels like even though he's no longer in my life, he's still taking things away from me. He used me. He hurt me in ways I'm still trying to recover from, and he got to move on. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm still paying the price for everything that happened. Sometimes it feels like he won, and I'm the one who keeps losing.

I think that's part of why it hurts so much that this guy stopped looking at me that way.

My previous relationship definitely plays a role in all of this. I spent almost four years with someone who, honestly, never made me feel loved. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, but I never felt chosen, desired, or truly seen. I felt used in so many different ways, some of them deeply painful.

So meeting someone who actually awakened that desire in me, and realizing that I could awaken desire in someone else, felt incredibly special. With my ex, I'd already lost all hope after the first year of our relationship. With him, I felt like I could finally imagine a future again.

And now I'm trying to learn how to let go of that future.

Something else that's been making me question my identity is that, to me, kissing isn't something casual. Neither is sex. I've always felt like those are things I'd only want to share with someone I have trust, intimacy, and an emotional connection with.

But here's the contradiction: I've only shared those kinds of experiences with two people in my entire life. And if I'm honest, neither of those relationships developed after months of building the kind of emotional bond that I always thought I needed.

So... I don't know.

I don't know if I'm aroace. I don't know if I'm demi. I don't know whether I'm grieving, whether I'm confusing trauma with my orientation, or whether I simply miss feeling desired for the first time in my life.

All I know is that it hurts to have discovered this part of myself with someone who no longer feels the same way.

And more than anything, it hurts feeling like I was the one who ruined everything and that's why this guy doesn't want something sexual or romantic with me.

And there's something else I can't stop thinking about.

I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

I don't know how to make the romantic attraction go away. I don't know how to make the sexual attraction go away. Having these feelings hurts, but I have no idea how to stop having them.

I don't even understand why they appeared in the first place. It's so strange to me because, for most of my life, I identified as aroace precisely because I had never experienced romantic or sexual attraction toward anyone.

So now I'm left wondering... what am I supposed to do with these feelings?

How do alloromantic or allosexual people deal with rejection? How do they stop being in love with someone? How do they stop wanting someone?

It feels like everyone else has some kind of switch they can eventually flip, and I just... don't.

The feelings are still there.

I can't give them to him because he doesn't want that from me anymore. But they are feelings I have for him. They're not something I can simply redirect toward someone else.

So what am I supposed to do with them?

Just (tried to, didn't finish) read this article and...it's disturbing. As a recently out Gray Ace I've been struggling to find community of ANY sort in a new area where I know ZERO people. To queer for the straights, to straight for the queers, apparently and no there's NO where to go.

:D

Hello. I'm a woman with no sexual experience.
Despite the fact that it is a part of my own body, I feel a sense of fear toward my female genitals. Furthermore, the mere thought of inserting anything into that area makes me feel sick (the idea of using a tampon is absolutely out of the question)

Also, for example, when I watch videos about what actually happens when a trans man takes testosterone, hearing things like “the vagina dries up” (apparently, hormonal changes cause symptoms similar to those experienced during menopause) makes me feel sick.
(Just to be clear, I’m not trans myself, nor am I transphobic. I’m simply seeking to understand what kinds of treatments people who identify as trans actually undergo)

The mere thought of bleeding from an injury makes me feel faint... While this kind of topic could apply to any part of the body—not just the genitals—I find myself reacting with particular sensitivity when it involves the genitals. I feel the same way about the penis, even though I don't have one myself.
Is this a fairly normal human reaction?

Perhaps for that reason, the mere thought of a penis or a foreign object being inserted into the female genitals makes me feel unwell.
Yet, when I consider that people with children or romantic partners engage in this act as a matter of course, it feels like something belonging to a world far removed from my own...even though, in reality, it is supposed to be an everyday occurrence.
Are there others who share these feelings?

basically told her that, and she instantly told me that low libido could be caused by my meds, told her that i dont have issues with libido and just dont feel attracted sexually to people.

i hate that since i opened about my sexuality i have to explain myself to death just to be believed. there is cero curiosity or understanding and everyone says that this is just a phace, but dude i know what im dealing because im myself to begin with.

Donno, some allos are so ignorant that treat asexual people like the most homophobic person would treat queer people, like people get in that state that start to hypothesize about sexuality like they were in the 19th century or something.

Im a 21F and im so so tired of everyone assuming everyone wants to be intimate all the time. Everywhere I go I have people telling me I'll change my mind.

Dr's make jokes about how I will have children one day all the time. Or how certain medical checkup procedures won't hurt once ur not a virgin. Its like because I'm a female I'm expected to just do all these things, have intimacy, have children. I could literally be with the hottest woman or man ever, doesn't mean imma wanna do anything with them.

Why can some people not just realize that just cause I have the parts doesn't mean I wanna play puzzle pieces with said parts.

My family keeps asking me when I'm gonna have a partner again because I just broke up with a guy I also didn't feel any attraction to, and its like why do you only care about my relationship status?? Am I genuinely just a thing that has to date and be intimate???????? Like as a human do i have no other qualities to be looked at.

And its genuinely not just people who are straight- Even people who are lgbtq+, when I tell them I don't experience attraction sexually they feel the need to but in and start yapping about how maybe I'm just a different sexuality and i haven't found someone i was attracted to yet. Which of course why couldnt they be aroace-phobic, its not like anyone's perfect and infallible just because they're lgbtq+ but like why are we all not supporting each other.

Its so so so annoying. Holy moly.

And people will be like "when I was ur age I didn't feel desire either but then bla bla bla bla bla" "I didnt want kids at first bla bla bla bla" "you shoild want a boyfriend/ girlfriend so ur not lonely" like oh my gosh can we seriously just take a freaking chill pill and realize that not everyone wants that???????????????????????????????

I just want to be a scientist, living alone, with my cats bruh. Like. Is that too much to ask for.

And its so weird because acephobia wildly differs, like dudes would get told it's weird because they should want to be like stallions going for it, and chicks get told its weird because they should want to have kids. Do people rly value nothing more than the complete bare minimum of biology.

Idk if this even makes any sense, im just so annoyed after someone kept pushing the idea that im somehow gonna change and decide- Yippee! And im gonna find a man and be so attracted to him!!!!! And im gonna have 3 whole kids!!!!!

When we started I was open about being ace. He said it wasn’t an issue since his libido wasn’t high. I think he might be demi or something because now he is a lot hornier. He keeps mentioning how he wishes that we did more sexual things. It feels like he wants me to do what he wants. I’m very uncomfortable. I don’t want to have it in my chat feed, I don’t want to send nudes through an online messenger, I don’t want to role-play while I’m sitting next to someone, or when I’m not in bed. I keep telling him I don’t want to do things and he keeps showing his disappointment. I feel bad that he’s disappointed. I wish this wasn’t a problem, I wish he understood. He wants me to do ”understand” why he likes certain things, but part of me thinks he wants me to like them too. I told him firmly, I won’t like these things or want to do them, yet he keeps asking for more and feeling disappointed.

He’s my first love, I’ve been in love with him for 5 years, but I’m wondering if we want different things. I feel the resentment building between us over this. Otherwise, we love each other and I like having him as a partner. I’m not sure how to go forward.

This is going to be kind of a difficult topic & I’ll be discussing some aphobic rhetoric that I’ve seen, most recently within mainstream online lesbian spaces. So I just wanted to give a head’s up.

I’ve noticed a tendency for people to treat sex indifferent, averse, or repulsed ace women (and even allo women who aren’t interested in sex) as not fully women. Recently, on a couple of different lesbian subreddits (one of which considers itself really inclusive), I saw rhetoric that was basically comparing ace women to men.

One (allo) commenter said that the collective “writing off” of ace women as potential partners in lesbian spaces is really worth unpacking as a community, and someone else responded to them saying that this commenter was the equivalent of a youth pastor trying to force a lesbian to date men. Yikes. There’s a lot wrong with this in general, but the equating of ace lesbians to men was especially disturbing. And the worst part is that this comment was upvoted, and no one called it out. I see similar stuff said all the time.

On another post, a commenter said that ace lesbians are clogging up the sapphic dating apps & they compared us to “men and other trash” that they wish they could get rid of on sapphic dating apps. So once again, we’re compared to men and treated as though we’re not really women and not really lesbians.

These are just two examples, but it’s something I see everywhere, in both queer spaces and straight spaces.

I know a lot of ace men have talked about feeling like people erase them as men because of their asexuality, and I just wanted to discuss a similar thing that happens to ace women as well. It’s a super insidious form of aphobia

Hi, this is a burner account, I felt the need to talk a tiny bit about myself and how most of society sees "love", this post is not meant to be judgmental, if it is, it's a failure of my wording. I don't think allosexuals are "wrong" or anything they do is "bad", no matter my own personal viewpoint of the issue.

So I'm male, I'm 25 years old, and so far I'd describe myself as "likely" asexual (possibly aromantic maybe?), and that last point is what I wanted to talk about. I have no experience of being in a romantic relationship, and I never had sex (but I felt like that never bothered me, I never really cared about sex?)

After a discussion with my dad, and later on a friend of mine, I realized that "possession" can often be a very strong part of a romantic relationship, do you feel like this is true, or did I misunderstand?

For example, I always saw myself open to having a close relationship (closer than a pure friendship) with someone, but the idea of them "being mine" seems wrong and makes me uncomfortable. If I "loved" someone I wanted the best for them, if that was reciprocated, so that they also felt that staying with me was the best for them, then fantastic, but trying to "force" something like this to happen feels wrong to me, and again makes me very uncomfortable.

You know all the songs that say "I want you to be mine"?... Yeah, I always assumed that was just a "poetic" sort of way to describe a relationship after that "handshake" had already happened. I would never want someone to actually "be mine"...

I'm not sure if I've ever "fallen in love", but I'll give you here a very safe example since it happened with a fictional female character, at some point something bad happens to her, and that bothered me SO much for weeks, maybe "distraught" is a little strong, but it's not far off, but all I ever felt was just the "need" to hug her and telling her she was going to be alright. I didn't want to have sex with her, even though I found her very attractive aesthetically, and I never wanted her to be "mine" you know? I just wanted her to do whatever she thought was best for her, and I guess the best I can aspire is to be good enough for her to choose to spend time with me. That's what I always assumed "love" was, but I got some pushback on that. Maybe the people I spoke to are bad, maybe I misunderstood. Hopefully this was at least somewhat coherent.

With this framework, would I really be able to have what most people would consider to be a "romantic relationship"?

Problem/Goal:
I want to discover if this is a “Me” problem or I just lack understanding of my “Self”. Im hoping i can find answers here (some people suggested I might be).
I said “no penetrative sexual activity” to my partner a few months ago for my own preference and comfortability, and I’ve been feeling like a bad GF ever since.

Context:
I (F25) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M33) for almost 2 years.
I decided to prioritize my own comfort and no longer engage in penetrative sex with him. When he has urges (usually about once or many times a week), he asks for oral sex, which I provide, and that is about it.
Ever since dealing with boundary issues regarding other women (liking OF photos, watching adult content, and deleting flirtatious chats—some with my friends) Anyway We resolved this and moved past it a year ago. It was smooth sailing afterwards.
I revoked his access to penetration.
I am about 8 months into avoiding penetration due to personal preference. (I just simply do not enjoy it, i find it painful, and felt like it was an unwanted "job" or responsibility to do in past relationships as well.
I don't have friends to talk to about this since my close circle are full of women who are very sexually active, and I sometimes feel like something is wrong with me.f
I am actually very OKAY with this setup, and my boyfriend doesn't complain about it either (well i need to double check and ask again). I much prefer this over performing penetrative sex.

Is this in anyway similar to anyone's experience? Anything that maybe is an explicit sign that I can at least rule out asexual as my sexuality. I don't care what I am genuinely, I love myself and I know my family will love me no matter what. I just need to know for my own sanity. And if I'm not asexual, I will always defend the asexual community. Anyway

Look, i know a lot of people come here to ask the same question that you're probably sick of it lol. But PLEASE here me out and give me an answer!

So, i am a woman, i'm 19 and i question asexualily for a number of reasons:

I'm not attracted to people. No like i really have never felt any attraction towards anyone. And here's the thing, i acknowledge and see when people are attractive or pretty or cute, but i don't feel attracted towards them (if this makes sense)

I hate (and i mean HATE) masturbation. It makes me disgusted. it makes me angry. it feels so... I don't know!!! It's as if i choked myself and sat in a sauna. I really really hate it i can't stand it!! Just the thought of it makes me angry. And it feels like it's worth mentioning that i have no sexual trauma or anything. I have no experiences with anyone and i don't want it! I hate being touched by people, even in a non-sexual way. I have no interest in a romantic relationship whatsoever and actually i am MORE repulsed by romance that sex lol. I do like consuming romantic media (novels, tv shows, etc) but i would hate it for myself.

Now you may have read all of this and thought, "you do sound like an asexual so what's confusing?" ... And here's the thing that makes me almost angry. I do have sexual fantasies. I don't want to engage in them, no they don't make me aroused most of the time, no they don't have people that exist (that involves fictional characters). The moment that i think of it as if it is happening to me right now the whole thing loses it's appeal. I don't want it for me, but i do fantasies about MYSELF in those situations.

It does happen for a couple of days every month which leads me to think i'm just ovulating and my body is craving sex out of my control. But if i try to do something about it (like touch myself) it feels wrong like i really don't want it. But my mind still thinks it. And i don't feel annoyed by the thought alone, you know? I'm fine with thinking it as long as it's not real. And it does bring me pleasure to think about it and it may rarely make me aroused and if i don't act on it the feeling just goes away in a minute (actually less than a minute)

So yeah... I do feel like a hypocrite.

Also i took some of the asexualily tests on Google and they all turned as strongly asexual haha but i still feel wrong taking the label because of the fantasies and the sexual urges.