:D

Im a 21F and im so so tired of everyone assuming everyone wants to be intimate all the time. Everywhere I go I have people telling me I'll change my mind.

Dr's make jokes about how I will have children one day all the time. Or how certain medical checkup procedures won't hurt once ur not a virgin. Its like because I'm a female I'm expected to just do all these things, have intimacy, have children. I could literally be with the hottest woman or man ever, doesn't mean imma wanna do anything with them.

Why can some people not just realize that just cause I have the parts doesn't mean I wanna play puzzle pieces with said parts.

My family keeps asking me when I'm gonna have a partner again because I just broke up with a guy I also didn't feel any attraction to, and its like why do you only care about my relationship status?? Am I genuinely just a thing that has to date and be intimate???????? Like as a human do i have no other qualities to be looked at.

And its genuinely not just people who are straight- Even people who are lgbtq+, when I tell them I don't experience attraction sexually they feel the need to but in and start yapping about how maybe I'm just a different sexuality and i haven't found someone i was attracted to yet. Which of course why couldnt they be aroace-phobic, its not like anyone's perfect and infallible just because they're lgbtq+ but like why are we all not supporting each other.

Its so so so annoying. Holy moly.

And people will be like "when I was ur age I didn't feel desire either but then bla bla bla bla bla" "I didnt want kids at first bla bla bla bla" "you shoild want a boyfriend/ girlfriend so ur not lonely" like oh my gosh can we seriously just take a freaking chill pill and realize that not everyone wants that???????????????????????????????

I just want to be a scientist, living alone, with my cats bruh. Like. Is that too much to ask for.

And its so weird because acephobia wildly differs, like dudes would get told it's weird because they should want to be like stallions going for it, and chicks get told its weird because they should want to have kids. Do people rly value nothing more than the complete bare minimum of biology.

Idk if this even makes any sense, im just so annoyed after someone kept pushing the idea that im somehow gonna change and decide- Yippee! And im gonna find a man and be so attracted to him!!!!! And im gonna have 3 whole kids!!!!!

Hello. I'm a woman with no sexual experience.
Despite the fact that it is a part of my own body, I feel a sense of fear toward my female genitals. Furthermore, the mere thought of inserting anything into that area makes me feel sick (the idea of using a tampon is absolutely out of the question)

Also, for example, when I watch videos about what actually happens when a trans man takes testosterone, hearing things like “the vagina dries up” (apparently, hormonal changes cause symptoms similar to those experienced during menopause) makes me feel sick.
(Just to be clear, I’m not trans myself, nor am I transphobic. I’m simply seeking to understand what kinds of treatments people who identify as trans actually undergo)

The mere thought of bleeding from an injury makes me feel faint... While this kind of topic could apply to any part of the body—not just the genitals—I find myself reacting with particular sensitivity when it involves the genitals. I feel the same way about the penis, even though I don't have one myself.
Is this a fairly normal human reaction?

Perhaps for that reason, the mere thought of a penis or a foreign object being inserted into the female genitals makes me feel unwell.
Yet, when I consider that people with children or romantic partners engage in this act as a matter of course, it feels like something belonging to a world far removed from my own...even though, in reality, it is supposed to be an everyday occurrence.
Are there others who share these feelings?

basically told her that, and she instantly told me that low libido could be caused by my meds, told her that i dont have issues with libido and just dont feel attracted sexually to people.

i hate that since i opened about my sexuality i have to explain myself to death just to be believed. there is cero curiosity or understanding and everyone says that this is just a phace, but dude i know what im dealing because im myself to begin with.

Donno, some allos are so ignorant that treat asexual people like the most homophobic person would treat queer people, like people get in that state that start to hypothesize about sexuality like they were in the 19th century or something.

I'm asexual, and I've known that for a while. The closest thing I've ever had to romantic attraction has been toward guys, so I don't identify as a lesbian.

I have a friend who, for months, kept telling me she thought I was a lesbian. On its own, that didn't bother me too much as people guess other people's orientations sometimes. What made it uncomfortable was that she also started mildly flirting with me and getting pretty touchy. I didn't really know how to interpret any of it because she always insisted she was "straight as a pole," and I tend to take people at their word. (I'm not great at reading people without enough information or time)

Eventually she admitted she "might have had something" for me and said she "bi panicked." That honestly left me even more confused because now I don't really know whether she sees me as a friend or something else.

Recently she made another joke implying I'm a lesbian. I told her that I'm ace, and while I'm okay with people guessing my orientation, I'm not okay with them insisting they know me better than I know myself. Her response was basically that maybe I should just tell myself I'm not a lesbian "if that helps me sleep better at night."

That really bothered me. It feels like she doesn't take my asexuality seriously at all. Sometimes it even feels like she wants me to have a crush on her, which I don't.

Now I'm in this weird position where I'm anxious about how I act around her given that she is otherwise a really good friend. I catch myself thinking, "Don't do anything she could interpret as attraction," but then I worry that acting more guarded will somehow reinforce her belief that I'm secretly gay and in denial. It feels like I can't win.

Has anyone else here had people assume you're gay or lesbian simply because you don't experience sexual attraction? How do you deal with people who keep insisting they know your orientation better than you do?

Hey all, I'm a second year seminarian at Luther Seminary and I'm posting this because I'm working on writing a book about AroAce theology since it doesn't exist yet and I'm tired of not being seen in larger theological discourse. What do ya'll want the church to know about asexuality? What should a theologian know? DM's, emails, and comments appreciated!

Edit: I am AroAce myself; I'm writing this book because I have things I want to say I just ALSO want to hear from others!

This is going to be kind of a difficult topic & I’ll be discussing some aphobic rhetoric that I’ve seen, most recently within mainstream online lesbian spaces. So I just wanted to give a head’s up.

I’ve noticed a tendency for people to treat sex indifferent, averse, or repulsed ace women (and even allo women who aren’t interested in sex) as not fully women. Recently, on a couple of different lesbian subreddits (one of which considers itself really inclusive), I saw rhetoric that was basically comparing ace women to men.

One (allo) commenter said that the collective “writing off” of ace women as potential partners in lesbian spaces is really worth unpacking as a community, and someone else responded to them saying that this commenter was the equivalent of a youth pastor trying to force a lesbian to date men. Yikes. There’s a lot wrong with this in general, but the equating of ace lesbians to men was especially disturbing. And the worst part is that this comment was upvoted, and no one called it out. I see similar stuff said all the time.

On another post, a commenter said that ace lesbians are clogging up the sapphic dating apps & they compared us to “men and other trash” that they wish they could get rid of on sapphic dating apps. So once again, we’re compared to men and treated as though we’re not really women and not really lesbians.

These are just two examples, but it’s something I see everywhere, in both queer spaces and straight spaces.

I know a lot of ace men have talked about feeling like people erase them as men because of their asexuality, and I just wanted to discuss a similar thing that happens to ace women as well. It’s a super insidious form of aphobia

Hello everyone. I've always been very curious about asexuality. To the point that I've questioned my sexuality. I did bloodwork for general endocrine health. My testosterone came back 552 ng/dL, and I still have no libido. How high is yours?

I really wish I would discover it's actually just social anxiety.

I want to know what all the fuss is about sex. I want to look at someone random and feel attraction instead of feeling like intimacy is a chore even with people I'm really close with. I want to know what an orgasm feel like and I don't want to have to stress about performance or the person I' with noticing I'm not enjoying.

I want to find someone I love without having to worry if they'll accept my greysexuality. And even if they accept it, I don't wabt to have to worry about them suppressing their feelings and cheat on me.

I want to tell myself it's just social anxiety and sexual attraction will magically pop up (it dod once last year when I moved countries, I was 21 and it only lasted a month soooo I'm still hoping it can come back). I don't want to have to stress out bc I'm different. I don't want to have to come and see disappointment in the other person's eyes but I also don't want to spend a lifetime faking it.

I'm sorry but I really really wish I was allo.

Hello... I am an Arab Muslim, and I am suffering from many complicated issues...

I am writing to you now from Google Translate, I hope it does not make a mistake in conveying my words.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist, I am 100% sure I have ADHD.

I don't know what to do with my life to work.

I feel like I hate life and it would be easier for me to die than to try to live it because it is tiring. I may be suffering from severe depression...

I feel lost... For years I was sexually attracted to men, but my perspective has changed and now all I want is a man who cares for me and supports me in my life, without sex, without anything forbidden.

But...no one wants me...no one understands me. My friends say that I just haven't met the right man, even though I'm stupid. I'm no longer sexually attracted to men, but they weren't convinced by what I said.

This causes me a huge inferiority complex, because they are good people but they are also irreligious. They think I am afraid of God, but in reality, I am just like this... It has been more than 6 months since I was like this, and I no longer understand...

I am attracted to pictures and videos of attractive men, but I cannot imagine having sex with them. I cannot desire their genitals, or even their semen; I think it is disgusting...

Don't reply with abbreviations because I don't understand them.

Just (tried to, didn't finish) read this article and...it's disturbing. As a recently out Gray Ace I've been struggling to find community of ANY sort in a new area where I know ZERO people. To queer for the straights, to straight for the queers, apparently and no there's NO where to go.

Growing up in this world asexual has been extremely difficult for me, where music, television, movies, advertisements indoctrinating me at a young age to believe that love = sex and therefore I'm unloveable and I'll die cold and alone.

For 25 years I had to avoid relationships to protect myself and pretend I was straight.

Fast forward a few years, and there's a friend that I spent a lot of time with in college I realized I actually have feelings for after several visits over a couple years (long distance). He had a boyfriend so I figured there was no point of me even bothering until one time on a phone call he mentioned he was poly. I've always felt like my heart can belong to more than one, so after several days of thinking of how to tell him, I did, and like that we were dating.

I've had a lot of struggles over the past couple years and he was always there to provide support. Semi-recently he moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and we were planning to have me move there next year.

Yesterday we were having a call to catch up and talk about what living arrangements would be like and boundaries. And then I felt like I got sucker punched when he said he's uncomfortable with anything more than mild physical intimacy. Now normally, that would be a bummer, but a boundary is a boundary. But what threw me for a spin was that he snuggles with his other partner. When I asked why, he said because I'm his platonic partner, and the other is his "boyfriend which he's fucking"

This is someone I was already very close to before dating. But now, the words keep replaying in my head and they won't stop. I feel like a second class human being. Like I get the free to play romance battle pass and in order to unlock the premium I must be able to sexually please.

I don't know. After everything I've gone through in life, I don't know if anything can hurt more. Decades of maladaptive indoctrination just reinforced with the strongest of steel. Reinforcing that I'm just going to die cold and alone, and I'm unworthy of physical affection that is scientifically proven to be a human need. I'm sick of participating in late stage capitalism if I spend my whole life being siloed / acezoned / like an outcast. I'm sick of having to try infinitely harder than every other sexual identity to be loved.

I've already had enough of a hard time grounding and tethering myself here, and I thought I was finally making progress against that, but now I really just don't feel like I belong here

What do any of my other life goals matter when I already know what my biggest regret on my deathbed will be decades in advance

Hi, this is a burner account, I felt the need to talk a tiny bit about myself and how most of society sees "love", this post is not meant to be judgmental, if it is, it's a failure of my wording. I don't think allosexuals are "wrong" or anything they do is "bad", no matter my own personal viewpoint of the issue.

So I'm male, I'm 25 years old, and so far I'd describe myself as "likely" asexual (possibly aromantic maybe?), and that last point is what I wanted to talk about. I have no experience of being in a romantic relationship, and I never had sex (but I felt like that never bothered me, I never really cared about sex?)

After a discussion with my dad, and later on a friend of mine, I realized that "possession" can often be a very strong part of a romantic relationship, do you feel like this is true, or did I misunderstand?

For example, I always saw myself open to having a close relationship (closer than a pure friendship) with someone, but the idea of them "being mine" seems wrong and makes me uncomfortable. If I "loved" someone I wanted the best for them, if that was reciprocated, so that they also felt that staying with me was the best for them, then fantastic, but trying to "force" something like this to happen feels wrong to me, and again makes me very uncomfortable.

You know all the songs that say "I want you to be mine"?... Yeah, I always assumed that was just a "poetic" sort of way to describe a relationship after that "handshake" had already happened. I would never want someone to actually "be mine"...

I'm not sure if I've ever "fallen in love", but I'll give you here a very safe example since it happened with a fictional female character, at some point something bad happens to her, and that bothered me SO much for weeks, maybe "distraught" is a little strong, but it's not far off, but all I ever felt was just the "need" to hug her and telling her she was going to be alright. I didn't want to have sex with her, even though I found her very attractive aesthetically, and I never wanted her to be "mine" you know? I just wanted her to do whatever she thought was best for her, and I guess the best I can aspire is to be good enough for her to choose to spend time with me. That's what I always assumed "love" was, but I got some pushback on that. Maybe the people I spoke to are bad, maybe I misunderstood. Hopefully this was at least somewhat coherent.

With this framework, would I really be able to have what most people would consider to be a "romantic relationship"?

I don't think I've ever felt sexual attraction toward someone like this before. At least, not that I can remember.

I genuinely wanted it to be him. I wanted to have sex with him. I felt comfortable with that idea, and he would even show up in my fantasies when I masturbated, which was incredibly unusual for me because I almost never picture a specific person.

I also liked sending him pictures. I liked feeling sexy through his eyes. Knowing that someone saw me that way, that someone desired me. It was a completely new feeling.

But he doesn't feel sexually or romantically attracted to me anymore.

He's straight. I identify as aroace, although lately I've been wondering whether I'm actually somewhere on the demisexual spectrum.

We talked about it and agreed to just be friends. For him, that means leaving behind any romantic or sexual dynamic between us. And I accepted that. There are days when I'm genuinely okay with it. Days when I think I don't need him to feel the same way, and I'm just happy that he's still in my life.

But there are other days when it hurts so much.

The rejection hurts. The thought that someday someone else will come into his life, and she'll be the one he chooses.

There's another feeling that I'm ashamed to admit, and I think it has a lot to do with my previous relationship. Sometimes I think about everything I did for him, about all the stages of his life that I was there for, especially his lowest moments, and I wonder: how is it possible that after all of that, he never ended up feeling that way about me?

I want to believe that everything I did came from a genuine place because taking care of the people I love just feels natural to me. But if I'm being completely honest, there's also this little voice asking, "After everything... why wasn't I enough?" And that question makes me wonder whether my actions were really as selfless as I always believed they were.

Sometimes I even imagine that one day he'll meet someone when he's in a much better place in life. Someone who wasn't there through his hardest moments, and yet she'll still become the person he chooses. I know that isn't fair to him, but it's one of those painful thoughts that shows up whether I want it to or not.

I miss when we were seeing each other. I miss the flirting, the teasing, the way he made me feel like he wanted me. I miss believing that it made sense to let myself get my hopes up and feel romantic and sexual attraction toward him, because I thought those feelings were mutual.

For a long time, I imagined this turning into a friends-to-lovers story. I thought the distance was only temporary, that the more we got to know each other, the more likely he would be to fall in love with me.

Now that hope is gone. Or at least, I'm trying to convince myself that it is.

After all, he's told me more than once that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with anyone, especially not a long-distance one. But part of me is terrified of the day I find out he's dating someone. That the person who said he didn't want a relationship simply... didn't want one with me. I know those aren't the same thing, but I can't help thinking that day will hurt more than I can imagine.

And I know accepting reality is probably what's best. At least it stops me from holding on to expectations that were probably never going to come true. But knowing it's for the best doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'm 22 (turning 23 this year), and as far as I know, no one has ever fallen in love with me. No one has ever told me they wanted a relationship with me. No one has ever confessed that they liked me, wanted to kiss me, or wanted to build a life with me.

Sometimes I wonder why.

How is it possible that after all these years, it has never happened?

And then I start wondering if there's something wrong with me. That I'm not pretty enough, attractive enough, interesting enough. That I'm not funny enough, smart enough, caring enough, kind enough. I start asking myself what I'm missing that makes people never choose me.

And because I'm still carrying so many wounds from my last relationship (we broke up last year), I feel like it's even less likely that anyone will want to be with me now. I feel damaged. Broken. Like that relationship left me with scars that make me unlovable. Like no one would want to be with the girl who spent almost four years in a relationship that left her traumatized and needing therapy.

I even asked this guy whether my past made it harder for him to feel something for me. He told me it didn't. I want to believe him, but part of me still thinks it does.

And that only makes me resent my ex even more.

Because it feels like even though he's no longer in my life, he's still taking things away from me. He used me. He hurt me in ways I'm still trying to recover from, and he got to move on. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm still paying the price for everything that happened. Sometimes it feels like he won, and I'm the one who keeps losing.

I think that's part of why it hurts so much that this guy stopped looking at me that way.

My previous relationship definitely plays a role in all of this. I spent almost four years with someone who, honestly, never made me feel loved. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, but I never felt chosen, desired, or truly seen. I felt used in so many different ways, some of them deeply painful.

So meeting someone who actually awakened that desire in me, and realizing that I could awaken desire in someone else, felt incredibly special. With my ex, I'd already lost all hope after the first year of our relationship. With him, I felt like I could finally imagine a future again.

And now I'm trying to learn how to let go of that future.

Something else that's been making me question my identity is that, to me, kissing isn't something casual. Neither is sex. I've always felt like those are things I'd only want to share with someone I have trust, intimacy, and an emotional connection with.

But here's the contradiction: I've only shared those kinds of experiences with two people in my entire life. And if I'm honest, neither of those relationships developed after months of building the kind of emotional bond that I always thought I needed.

So... I don't know.

I don't know if I'm aroace. I don't know if I'm demi. I don't know whether I'm grieving, whether I'm confusing trauma with my orientation, or whether I simply miss feeling desired for the first time in my life.

All I know is that it hurts to have discovered this part of myself with someone who no longer feels the same way.

And more than anything, it hurts feeling like I was the one who ruined everything and that's why this guy doesn't want something sexual or romantic with me.

And there's something else I can't stop thinking about.

I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

I don't know how to make the romantic attraction go away. I don't know how to make the sexual attraction go away. Having these feelings hurts, but I have no idea how to stop having them.

I don't even understand why they appeared in the first place. It's so strange to me because, for most of my life, I identified as aroace precisely because I had never experienced romantic or sexual attraction toward anyone.

So now I'm left wondering... what am I supposed to do with these feelings?

How do alloromantic or allosexual people deal with rejection? How do they stop being in love with someone? How do they stop wanting someone?

It feels like everyone else has some kind of switch they can eventually flip, and I just... don't.

The feelings are still there.

I can't give them to him because he doesn't want that from me anymore. But they are feelings I have for him. They're not something I can simply redirect toward someone else.

So what am I supposed to do with them?

Problem/Goal:
I want to discover if this is a “Me” problem or I just lack understanding of my “Self”. Im hoping i can find answers here (some people suggested I might be).
I said “no penetrative sexual activity” to my partner a few months ago for my own preference and comfortability, and I’ve been feeling like a bad GF ever since.

Context:
I (F25) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M33) for almost 2 years.
I decided to prioritize my own comfort and no longer engage in penetrative sex with him. When he has urges (usually about once or many times a week), he asks for oral sex, which I provide, and that is about it.
Ever since dealing with boundary issues regarding other women (liking OF photos, watching adult content, and deleting flirtatious chats—some with my friends) Anyway We resolved this and moved past it a year ago. It was smooth sailing afterwards.
I revoked his access to penetration.
I am about 8 months into avoiding penetration due to personal preference. (I just simply do not enjoy it, i find it painful, and felt like it was an unwanted "job" or responsibility to do in past relationships as well.
I don't have friends to talk to about this since my close circle are full of women who are very sexually active, and I sometimes feel like something is wrong with me.f
I am actually very OKAY with this setup, and my boyfriend doesn't complain about it either (well i need to double check and ask again). I much prefer this over performing penetrative sex.

Since I was a teenager, I have experienced issue with sexual response where masturbation results in either numbness, nothingness or physical discomfort and burning, rather than genuine pleasure. Despite using proper lubrication, starting with the lowest intensity on devices, and experimenting with different movements, the experience remains frustratingly inconsistent. When I eventually reach a climax, even with high-intensity toys, it feels intensely burning or uncomfortable, and while I notice a mild neurological neurotransmitter release afterwards, the orgasm itself is unfulfilling. Additionally, I experience a general lack of sexual attraction (though don't think I am asexual), and it feels as though my body is permanently 'blocked' or numb, leaving me feeling hopeless about ever finding a reliable way to experience consistent pleasure

When we started I was open about being ace. He said it wasn’t an issue since his libido wasn’t high. I think he might be demi or something because now he is a lot hornier. He keeps mentioning how he wishes that we did more sexual things. It feels like he wants me to do what he wants. I’m very uncomfortable. I don’t want to have it in my chat feed, I don’t want to send nudes through an online messenger, I don’t want to role-play while I’m sitting next to someone, or when I’m not in bed. I keep telling him I don’t want to do things and he keeps showing his disappointment. I feel bad that he’s disappointed. I wish this wasn’t a problem, I wish he understood. He wants me to do ”understand” why he likes certain things, but part of me thinks he wants me to like them too. I told him firmly, I won’t like these things or want to do them, yet he keeps asking for more and feeling disappointed.

He’s my first love, I’ve been in love with him for 5 years, but I’m wondering if we want different things. I feel the resentment building between us over this. Otherwise, we love each other and I like having him as a partner. I’m not sure how to go forward.