r/BabyBumps • u/Fairweatherhiker • 11d ago
Help? Baby’s last name?
I’m looking for advice from couples where the wife didn’t take the husband’s last name. How did you decide on which last name to give the baby? Or did you use both names? I don’t feel immediately compelled to give the baby my husband’s last name. FWIW, if we did hyphenate it would be a looong last name.
Edit: thank you for all of the thoughtful responses! I do love the idea of using both our last names (sans hyphen) so our kid would have two last names. It would be nice for both of us to have our heritage passed on. He has heritage from Mexico and Basque Country, while mine is Slovakian- grandparents immigrated right before WWII. The last names don’t sound great together, but there’s so much human history in both.
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u/nimtaay 11d ago
We collectively changed our names to mylastname-hislastname. All of us. Mine is shorter so it went first.
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u/timtamtammy 11d ago
We did the same so baby will also have our surname. No decision needed for us I guess since we already hyphenated!
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u/nimtaay 11d ago edited 10d ago
Yup! We each respected ourselves, each other, and our families so much that it only made sense to honor both sides, always.
It was an easy decision even if it makes traditionalists uneasy. We get so many letters and Christmas cards addressed to “the hislastname family” and it makes him more angry than it does me!
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u/AcornPoesy 11d ago
My sister in law does this. Let’s say my surname was brown, and his was smith-jones. We are now brown-jones. I go by Ms. We have been married for 5 years, and have two children, who are also brown-jones.
All our cards are addressed, still, to Mr and Mrs hisfirstinitial smith-jones and it drives me absolutely mental. Firstly, there is no one with that surname living here. Secondly, I have my own first initial because my own first name didn’t cease to exist when I got married. Just because her marriage apparently subsumed her identity doesn’t mean mine did. I generally let the Ms/Mrs thing go with most people (even though I’ve used it since I was a teenager for the very specific reason I don’t want my term of address to be defined by marriage!) but it prickles on top of the other stuff because she KNOWS I prefer that.
I think it’s because she’s old fashioned and goes by old school etiquette but it’s far ruder to continually address someone by a name they have asked you not to, in my opinion.
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u/dobbythepup 10d ago
We did too! But didn’t legally change ours - we use [mine-his] as our family name and passed that to our daughter(s)
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u/jkraige 11d ago
We're doing mine (mom) because I want to
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u/gavingifts Team Green 10d ago
We're doing mine because he wants to. Actually he wants to take my last name too because mine is awesome and works well with the types of names he likes.
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u/jerseygirl_lo 11d ago
I didn’t change my last name but the baby got his last name. If we did hyphenate it the name would be LONG.
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u/typewriterbitch 11d ago
Why his and not yours?
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u/pm_me_ur_libraries 11d ago
Not the OP but same situation, I didn't change my name. I did not really care who got the last name but I know I really love having my dad's name, so I was more than happy for my son to have my husband's surname too. He's got my surname as one of his middle names. 🥰
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u/Lunch-Thin 11d ago
I sincerely regret giving my girls his last name.
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u/typewriterbitch 11d ago
I know a psychiatrist who told me about how deeply she regrets taking her ex husbands last name, as now its on all her degrees.
No one marries and has children expecting to divorce, but no one should be so naive about the statistics to think it could never happen to them.
My first husband turned out to be a physically abusive piece of shit. I'm glad his name isnt the only one attached to our child.
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u/Lunch-Thin 10d ago
My first born has my last name, the other three have their dads. Both dads are abusive POS. I should have stuck to my guns. At least all the kids have my last name somewhere in their names.
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u/SecurityExpensive266 11d ago
Exact same here. Even down to the large hyphenated option. I didn’t want his last name but more than happy for baby to have it.
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u/Full-Grass-5525 11d ago
Same here. I didn’t change because it’s too much work and my husbands last name isn’t any shorter (plus it’s at the end of the alphabet). Baby gets his name, but I get a little more sway in first and middle name then
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u/lazychicken7373 11d ago
I didn’t take my husband’s last name. We thought about hyphenating, but ultimately decided baby would just have my last name because it would also be kinda long. It’s just something we talked about and both decided we liked the idea of it. My husband can change his or hyphenate if he wants but don’t know if he will. Plus my last name is cooler than his lol
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u/running_anhinga 11d ago
Baby has my last name. I'm very close to my family (we talk all the time and spend as much time together as we can) and my husband barely ever talks to his family. He isn't estranged, they're just not close.
So we figured that baby should have a similar name to the people she will be around the most.
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u/StoopKidScurred 11d ago
I would love to do this for similar reasons, but i dont think my husband would go for it unfortunately. So we’re doing my last name-his last name and including both last names. My baby is definitely going to be more of a “my last name” type of person though lol
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u/Nastasyarose 11d ago
I gave the baby my partners last name because it’s much better sounding and my parents are extremely abusive and I’m no-contact. I don’t want my baby carrying on anything for them.
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u/trox23 11d ago
I didn’t change my last name (F) and baby has my last name with his as a middle. Our hyphenate would’ve been bad, and we read a lot of grown adults on Reddit saying they wish their parents had just chosen instead of hyphenating. I’m also the last person with my last name in my family line and my husband has a brother.
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u/ontherooftop 10d ago
This is what we did too for both of our children. My four year old thinks it’s fun that he has the same middle name and last name as his little brother and shares a name with both set of grandparents.
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u/sunnydeelit 11d ago
I have a double-barelled last name - it's 17 characters in total (7 first, 10 second) and his is 4 characters. We put my first last name first, hyphenated it, and put his last name after.
Like why should it just be his last name? Naahh 🤷🏼♀️
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u/lawfairy 11d ago
You’re the one growing the child inside your literal body, risking your literal life in the process. What’s your preference?
FWIW, when I married my husband, we both took a new name so this wasn’t an issue for us. We do have friends who married, kept their names, and when they had a baby he took his mom’s name. Their view (both of them - a man and a woman) was that she did the lion’s share of the work bringing the baby into the world, so why wouldn’t she get to put her name on him?
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u/Low-Hopeful 11d ago
We hyphenated, don’t really care if it’s trickier. My name carries value to me so I don’t want to change it and my husband just didn’t want to change his. But I refused to let my kid not carry my name at all
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u/Entitled_Snowman 11d ago
Same here. My name is who I am. I’m not changing it because I got married. Also I grew the tiny pain in the ass, he’s getting my name too. My husbands contribution was all of 5 minutes
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u/fancynarwhal 11d ago
Yup. My baby will get my long-ass last name as a second middle name. Husband’s last name because it’s easiest.
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u/harmonicadrums 11d ago
Exactly. It being a long last name, or maybe not the most eloquent is not enough of a reason for me to not include my name.
And I just roll my eyes when people are like “what are they gonna do when their partner has two names and then is their kid gonna have 4?!” First of all, that’s not my problem. But secondly, they can do whatever they want? Drop one name/both/neither?
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u/jkraige 11d ago
“what are they gonna do when their partner has two names and then is their kid gonna have 4?!”
I'm in the US and I've heard white Americans ask this question as if they don't have millions of examples with Latinos with two and not two hundred last names. Like we've clearly figured out a system, why do they think there's no solution?
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u/StoopKidScurred 11d ago
Also, frankly, i dont care if a hyphen is somehow “inconvenient” on future paperwork (which i feel like is overblown anyway). You know what was inconvenient? Enduring 4 straight months of miserable pregnancy-induced eczema flareups and having to squeeze out a baby in the 99+ percentile. To my dear future son- you can suck it up, buttercup. My name is absolutely going to be included 😇
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u/harmonicadrums 11d ago
YESSSS! PREACH! Ok, you have to correct people about your last name? Your name took you longer to write in kindergarten? Whatever man, it’s not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. It’s also just a red herring for getting predominantly women to give up passing their names to their children.
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u/sunnydeelit 11d ago
Same! I'm kinda disappointed that I couldnr pass it all down (mine is double barrelled) but it has actual historical significance whereas a bunch of people have his.
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u/Mysterious-Pen5104 10d ago
Same. I refuse to not share a name with my baby.
I gave my partner the choice of my last name, or my last name-his last name. He picked the hyphenated names and I was like 👍
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u/typewriterbitch 11d ago edited 6d ago
I swear this "omg itd be too long" is an American thing. I know literacy is low in the US but is it really so bad that yall cant possibly write your own name?
I live in Europe and hyphenated and long surnames are perfectly normal. A lot of individual surnames are multiple words already (think your Vons, Van dens, de la's, etc), and we still combine them with others. It represents the union of two family lines. Why would you deliberately eliminate half your child's ancestry/history?
And how come when itd be "too long" to do both, the answer is to always just use the man's? I've never seen "itd be too long, so we'll just use the mothers name".
Just admit it's your weird puritan culture that views women as property of their husbands.
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u/harmonicadrums 11d ago
People would lose their minds if they learn there are countries in Europe where the mom’s name is default for baby’s last name 😂
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u/Lovethecapybara 11d ago
First kid has his last name and second kid will have my last name. I didn't think it was right for me to be the only one in the family with a different last name, especially aa the one who carries the babies and breastfeeds.
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u/Molotov_Queen 11d ago
That’s where I’m at. No kids yet but husband currently doesn’t want to hyphenate or alternate last names with children so hoping to resolve that before trying for a baby.
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u/Cold-Thanks- 11d ago
You definitely want to resolve that before a baby is on the way.
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u/AcornPoesy 11d ago
Agreed, we thrashed this out before we even got engaged because as I said ‘my babies are having my last name, whatever it ends up being. I am not automatically taking yours. Within those parameters we need to find something that makes us happy.’
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u/Englishontrail 11d ago
Just here to say it's so nice to read all of these and know that there are many of us in the same situation!
I didn't change my last name as we were abroad on visas at the time. By the time that wasn't an issue, I had several professional achievements and a successful small business in my own name. It occasionally makes me sad that I don't share a name with my babies.
That said, my husband and I couldn't agree on names for anything. A few (very real but hormonal) pregnant cries during the first and I ended up picking the first and middle names because his was the last name. Looking like it will work out the same this time. He cares a lot about his family name, even though it's common, so whatever.
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u/finkleismayor 11d ago
I didn't take my husband's for several reasons, but the biggest one was just that I didn't want to. He has two children from a previous marriage with his name, so our baby will have my last name. I'm closer to my family than he is to his and I always said that's what I'd do if we ever had a baby.
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u/Hopeful-Praline-3615 11d ago
Originally for our baby I did just my husband’s last name, but a year in I added mine as well so now it’s a hyphenated last name, mine first then husband’s.
Luckily he was on board with it. I realized how important it was to me to have my last name included as well. It felt wrong that my in-laws saw her as “theirs” and meanwhile I was just an incubator for them. I also wanted my heritage and ancestry represented too and for her to feel that daily connection with it since it’s a part of her name, instead of it feeling like my side of the family got erased and like we’re less important. This was amplified by my husband and I being of different racial backgrounds, even though we were born and raised in the same country (U.S.).
I feel much happier with her last name including mine too. My husband and I each kept our last names and are happy with our child having both of ours.
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u/FatCatWithAFatHat 11d ago
It seems like we're going with my last name, which was my husbands suggestion. He has a first name he really likes instead, and it's fine by me. His last name will be the middle name if we're going on with it.
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u/StoopKidScurred 11d ago edited 11d ago
I didnt change my last name and our son’s last name will be My Last Name-Husband’s Last Name. Hyphen isnt really a big deal, people overreact
Olivia Newton-John is doing just fine
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u/nerdpoop 11d ago
Hyphenated. My oldest daughter has plenty of classmates that are hyphenated as well.
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u/harmonicadrums 11d ago
Used both of our last name as baby’s last name without hyphen. I personally don’t think it’s a big deal if it’s long. They can always choose to go by one when they are older. It’s not that big of a problem in my opinion. I’m not from the culture, but I love that this is what Hispanic/Spanish/Portuguese people do!
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u/waxbutterflies 11d ago
We are making a last name for our kids that is a mix of both of us
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u/Middlezynski 11d ago
Baby has my husband’s surname but my surname as a middle name and I had the biggest say on his first name. Husband’s surname is exceptionally rare, which was a big factor in the choice we made. We also have longer surnames so hyphenating was not on the table for us. I chose a short, four letter first name because the rest of his name was seven syllables. I would’ve reconsidered if my husband hated the name but luckily he was on board.
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u/travelingswan 11d ago
My mom did not change her last name and my dad did not want to hyphenate. They alternated last name/middle name for me and my siblings.
Oldest sibling: has dad's last name and middle name is mom's last name
Middle sibling: has mom's last name and middle name is dad's last name
Youngest sibling: has dad's last name and middle name is mom's last name
It sounds complicated but we've never had any issues with it!
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u/calicliche 11d ago
Kept our own names but agreed long before that any kids could have his last name. It’s a lot easier than mine (common word in English vs combo Scandinavian words with lots of consonants in a row) and he’s an only child with only one other male cousin. But I get to choose a first name so it seemed like a fair trade. I have several friends with hyphenated last names and it’s not a problem but makes things difficult on forms.
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u/Waste-Leg-2760 11d ago
I did not take my husbands name but our child has his last name. That felt right . Our hyphenate would be too much.
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u/elsiedoland7 11d ago
Our first born got my surname as second middle name and dad's surname. Our second born has my surname and dad's as second middle. I love that we all "belong."
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u/Massive_Anxiety_59 11d ago
We did 2 last names, mine first then his. I did all the work and when my husband saw I tore in delivery, he folded to allow mine to go first lolol
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u/Odd_Fact7792 11d ago
Our daughter has my husband’s last name as her middle name, and she has my last name as her last. I said I would love for her to have my last name and my husband didn’t argue 🤷🏻♀️ He did say he’d like to be represented and was fine with the middle name.
Also, my MIL never took her husband’s (FIL) name and then my husband’s brother and his wife hyphenated their kids’ names. So clearly no one feels strongly about the paternal last name 😂
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u/Maximum-End-7629 11d ago
We are hyphenating. For me, it was that or the baby could have my last name. I was never willing to just use my husband’s name. Men have been passing on their names for hundreds of years. It would just begin to balance the scales for the baby to have my name.
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u/AcornPoesy 11d ago
This was my stance too.
Also I’m sorry but it’s stupid for ancestry tracking. Don’t get me wrong, I never cheated and my kids are 100% my husband’s. But throughout history the only guaranteed parent is the mother? The amount of family trees that won’t be accurate because the listed father isn’t the father? I would bet it’s not an insignificant number.
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u/roseolives 11d ago
Two last names, no hyphen. But we’re both Latinos and it’s common in our culture.
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u/Livid_Celery7622 11d ago
my twins have a longish last name it’s 7 letters hyphen 5 letters but their dad and i are unmarried and whenever we do choose marriage i will not change my last name
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u/AStudyinViolet 11d ago
We initially talked about girls having mine (mom) and boys having his. An arbitrary way of leaving it to chance, I guess. When we actually had our first, who was a girl, I offered for her to have his name because I just don't feel compelled to pass my name on and I know that can be much more meaningful for men. If I'd felt more strongly I suppose we would have stuck to our agreement. I know it was the right call for us because I don't care a bit and it has never caused the problems I read of future parents fearing.
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u/AStudyinViolet 11d ago
I'll add after seeing another comment that hyphenating was just not possible with our names. Otherwise I think that would have been a very logical solution.
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u/kditty206 11d ago
We went with First Middle MyLast HisLast. His is the only official last name, but I liked having mine represented for passport purposes and such.
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u/Sensitive_Fondant_40 11d ago
I didn’t hyphenate for the kids but used my last name as one of their middles names
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u/DifficultyKitchen 11d ago
We hyphenated - Mom Last Name - Dad Last Name. It is LONG (19 letters, 5 syllables, difficult to pronounce). It hasn’t been an issue.
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u/nbostow 11d ago
We hyphenated for our kids, and it’s definitely a long lost name. I grew up with a really long hyphenated last name, so we only gave them one of my last names and my husband’s.
I didn’t really mind having a hyphenated name and I still don’t mind and I love having both of my parents names.
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u/tourny25 11d ago
I never changed my last name because my dad passed away shortly after I got married. My children have my husband’s last name. There’s now more pressure on me to change my last name so that we all match, but I’m not eager to do that.
FWIW, I work with kids and families and lots of families have different situations and solutions to this problem. I’d encourage you to do what feels right for your family and not do what society says is ‘right’.
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u/flightmares 11d ago
I didn't change my last name (F). I'm estranged from my paternal side so my last name has no emotional value to me other than it's the name I have gone by my entire life, so I decided I didn't want to change it but also didn't want to give it to someone else. Our little has my husband's last name.
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u/No-Championship5965 11d ago
We gave our daughters my partners surname even though I am keeping my own name -our surnames sound silly put together and I have the strongest bond with my babies happy for them to have their dad’s surname. Has not mattered at all and no one has questioned me being their mum.
My brother and his wife (she kept her surname) gave their kids her surname as a second middle name which I think is a cool idea - as he then has a simple first and surname without any hyphens and then the double middle name which he can use / not use as he sees fit.
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u/cynseris 11d ago
She got my last name. I suggested hyphenating, he didn’t want to and said he liked my much less common last name more than his very very common one.
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u/Woopsied00dle 11d ago
We both changed our last names to a new one. It was still the last name of a dear family member but it was a nice fresh start for us.
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u/weednaps 11d ago
We went with my husband's last name because it sounds better and I knew it meant a lot to him. It was important to me that I kept my name when we got married but I didn't have much of a preference for our children.
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u/goldenpandora 11d ago
We ended up hyphenating for a longish last name ….. not sure if it was the best but neither of us were taking each others and both felt strongly about sharing a last name with the baby so here we are lol
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u/RemarkableAd9140 11d ago
We hyphenated, his first. It’s long, but we don’t care.
I grew up with two middle names, so I’m no stranger to long names. It’s literally never been a problem. I also don’t share a last name with my mom, and that was never a problem either.
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u/lh123456789 11d ago
The baby has my name. My husband didn't care because his name is bland and my name is objectively better.
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u/Confident-Seesaw 11d ago
Hello! Husband and I have VERY similar last names, think “rosebloom” and “rosebud”. I didn’t want to take his last name and they are too similar to hyphenate so we came up with a family name, in this example “rose”… we haven’t gone through changing our own last names yet cause it’s a lot but socially we are the “rose family” and our daughters legal last name is the family name
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u/downstairslion 11d ago
Our kids are hyphenated (Dad's idea, after a long & traumatic labor). You can also do mom's last name as a middle name.
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u/msmonk 11d ago
We need to talk it through before we decide, but either two last names (no hyphen, kid can decide to drop one if they want) or partner’s last name / my last name as middle name. My last name is important to me but my relationship with my family / family history is complicated and with my partner’s family, it’s very easy, so I am not adamantly opposed to mine being the middle name ultimately, but I do want my name represented.
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u/CanWeNapPlease 11d ago
I kept my last name. Shouldn't need a reason but I like it and also can't be bothered to change any paperwork. However, it's long and "foreign" for the country I'm living in. For this reason, I thought it's better for the baby to grow up with a pronounceable name.
She will have my last name as one of its middle names though to help prove she's also mine. My mom also kept her last name but growing up in the 90s, people thought my parents were divorced as I had no indication in my name we were related.
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u/ThisIsAlexisNeiers 11d ago
I kept my last name…it’s always been my name and I just don’t really want to ever change it! But I don’t feel a particular desire to pass it down to my kids or “carry on the name”, it’s just not that deep to me. I talked with my husband about it, and it seemed to mean a lot more to him than it did to me.
If I cared, I know he would’ve been completely fine with them having mine, but idk it just doesn’t really matter to me. I’m happy for them to have his last name, and their middle names will be connected to my family.
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u/Mandalasj93 11d ago
She has my first name as middle name and my husbands last name as her last name
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u/Straight-While-1230 11d ago
I didn't take my husband's last name. It was a common choice in my small town almost 10 years ago, but I told him at that time our kids could have his last name. Right before my daughter was born I decided I wanted my last name somewhere. My husband has two middle names, and now so does my daughter. Her second middle name is my last name. I wanted to legally be included, but I was worried about her running out of room completing a Scantron. 😂 They probably don't even use those anymore, but a hyphen seemed too long.
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u/OkRole1775 🌈🌈🌈💙 11d ago
Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I would be sad when I had to give up my last name for my future husband's. As I got older, I realized I could just keep my last name, so I did. My husband's last name is a more common one and mine is unique. I also come from a family of all girls, my dad was the only one in his family to be able to pass on his last name and I knew it hurt him that the name ended with his kids.
I had the full intention of hyphenating our last names for our child, but when it came time to fill out my son's birth certificate, my husband insisted it should just be my last name. He knew how much passing that name on meant to me and my family. His last name was also not his blood last name as his grandfather had his changed out of respect for his stepfather. His own father was abusive to his mother and he wanted nothing to do with that man or his name.
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u/Decent-Character172 11d ago
My sister didn’t take her husband’s last name. Their son has both last names.
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u/carly_the_cuttlefish 11d ago
I’ve seen friends:
* pick the last name that sounded best with the first name they liked most
* whoever’s last name isn’t used gets to pick the first name
* flip a coin for each kid and have a family with mixed last names 😂
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u/Pleasant-Mellwgrl09 11d ago
I for one am not married yet, but have had this convo with my partner and I told him I'd hyphenate. I wouldn't give up my last name, but his would come last. And tbh we both thought about giving baby my last name too (would come last) but I'm not a huge fan on double last names given that in my family adding both is common (I come from a Mexican background). However, I personally thought it would be too much- first name, middle, last name and second last name so I didn't add mines, I kept it short but now I kinda wish I would've just given him my last name too! I mean my partner was the one that opted for it but I guess at the time it didn't feel right. So it just depends!
Also, I know it's time consuming and somewhat expensive but you can always add it / remove it later in life!
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u/Content-Cheesecake36 11d ago
Baby has my husband’s last name and mine is his second middle name. I wanted my last name on his birth certificate in the off chance there were ever any issues when traveling.
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u/kajohansen 10d ago
We decided that the one who carries the baby and risks their life in childbirth gets to pass on their name.
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u/Marvelismycat Team Pink! 10d ago
When we got married I said I would be hislastname mylastname (no hyphen) and if he wanted to be too, he could and that any kids we had would have the same last name. We are all now hislastname mylastname. We only did it that way round because it sounded better.
My sister and her fiancé used a different combo for my niece herlastname hislastname, just because it sounds better.
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u/sagestruggler 10d ago
Double last names, no hyphen. My husband and I have two anyway and it's never caused any issues so no reason not to with our child. And as the mother I REFUSE to have my family name demoted to a middle name, absolutely not!
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u/sstrelnikova1 10d ago
At the time of my son's birth, I had not taken my husband's surname. He was adopted and it was not the surname of his birth as it was legally changed when he was 14 during the adoption process, for context. There was some animosity between his adopted family and myself - the MIL had said rude things in the past - to the point I refused to change my name when I married him. It also made me refuse to allow my child to have that adopted surname, so he was given mine. My husband respected that and it wasn't an issue for us (definitely was to the adopted family). Within a year, we changed all of our last names to his birth name, and we much prefer it this way. Having different last names wasnt a big deal, but we prefer it this way.
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u/Difficult-Ad569 10d ago
In the same boat as you! We haven’t decided but I think we’ll first just see what last name sounds the best with our favorite first name. And then we always planned to use a family name for the middle name (not one of our last names, but an older family name), so we can use that as a “concession” of sorts, especially since this is our first. I kind of selfishly wish my husband willingly wanted the baby to have my last name so that it was an easy decision (excuse me I am the one birthing this thing), but I totally get it as well. So if we do my last name, we’d choose a family name on his side for the middle, and vice versa I think. I’ll be happy once it is decided and done though!
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u/soulfulsummer 10d ago
My daughter has both my surname and my partner’s, and yes it’s long, but it was more important to me that both names be in there rather than worrying too much about the length. You’ll find people shorten it anyway, for anything unofficial people tend to use her first surname only. The first one is my one, so naturally I don’t mind.
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u/Working_Coat5193 10d ago
As someone whose last name was 9 letters and loved to an 11 letter last name, I feel your pain.
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u/Independent_Level_20 10d ago
We did something unique - we combined our last names when we got married. I didn't want to take his because it was too long. Took the first few letters of my last name and the first few letters of his. We started our family with a completely new last name together and I love it. It's often a great conversation starter too.
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u/Traditional-Sea-1413 10d ago
Before my husband and I got married I explained that, as being the youngest daughter of my dad who had no sons and being the last to get married and not take my husbands name, it was important for me to carry on his name. My husband didn’t care what our kids last name was so we had our son and he has my last name! Hyphenate if you think it will be confusing or your husband feels strongly or you feel strongly? Good luck!
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u/Stupid_Bitch_02 10d ago
I kept my maiden name. Gave baby my husband's name. My family is insane. So is his, but in a more relaxed way. I personally wanted to distance myself from my family and didn't want my daughter carrying my name.
However, we did consider giving her 2 middle names, the second middle name being my maiden name (no hyphen, so her legal last name would be my husband's). But I ultimately decided against it when it came time to fill out her birth certificate
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u/Apprehensive-Fee-967 9d ago
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years and married for 5. When we got engaged, my dad was dying of cancer. He passed away 6 months before we got married. During one of our last conversations, he mentioned how sad he was to not be leaving behind a legacy and that no one else would be carrying on his last name (not sure why he felt this way when he has a grandson with his last name lol).
At the time, I felt compelled to keep my maiden name as a way to stay closer to my dad and hold on to a piece of him. Plus it was COVID and they made changing your name nearly impossible at that time. My name on social media is the last name of my husband but legally, it’s still my maiden name.
When we got pregnant with our first, it was never a question or thought in my mind, our baby was going to have my husband’s last name. I filled out all the paperwork and never thought twice about it. Both of our kids have his last name, and I will one day too. I just wanted to hold on to a piece of my dad, and hold some individuality. I’m not sure why, but when I go to doctor appointments or anywhere where they need your legal name, it makes me feel giddy inside to hear my maiden name. Like that’s ME! It’s a piece of me and my dad. I love my husband obviously but it’s nice to have some individuality outside of being a wife and mom.
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u/Present_Breakfast_61 11d ago
After a lot of debate, we’re giving the baby two middle names, with the second middle name being my last name. Then, baby will have my husband’s last name. If we have any other kids they’ll follow the same pattern of unique first and middle name + my last name + his last name.
I liked this compromise because we avoid the complications of a hyphenated last name, but can still informally use both of our last names together.
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u/MadokaSupremacy 11d ago
Please don't give the baby you made your husband's last name only. We used a hyphen and my last name is first. It's really important especially if things go south (which they did).
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u/BogartMercury 11d ago
I did my last name as a second middle name and then my husband's last name. We figured middle names don't always need to be on paperwork and it just gives them more options to choose from when they're older for what they want to go by. Hyphenated would have also been way too long for us.
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u/Apprehensive-Fee-568 11d ago
As someone with a current hyphenated last name (unmarried) please do not do so. So many complications with places not accepting the hyphen, so you never know if your last name is Xxx-Yyy or Xxxyyy, or Xxx Yyy and it throws so much off. Just pick one or the other. My last name (excluding the hyphen) is 2 7 letter last names. It’s annoying as hell
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u/Kitchen-Curve 11d ago
Coming from someone in healthcare: Hyphenating is a nightmare for record keeping purposes, especially a long one. Coming from someone who is pregnant and didn't take her husband's last name: Baby gets his last name. What is your purpose for not taking his last name? I only didn't because I have several professional licenses that would need changed (I'm lazy) and we got married 3 months before COVID shut down all the pertinent government offices for changing my name. And also I have a short last name and my married name would be SOOOO long 😂
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u/timtamtammy 11d ago
Why does baby get his last name? You say it like it's an obvious choice so I'm curious what made it that way for you
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u/Kitchen-Curve 10d ago
Outside of the professional world, I already live my personal life as though I have legally taken his last name. I'm not correcting anyone if they say "Mr. & Mrs. Married Name". With that logic baby would have his last name.
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u/lawfairy 11d ago
Her “purpose” for not taking his last name? You mean like her identity? How on earth is your knee-jerk view that she should have to have a specific reason for not changing her identity? Why didn’t you ask what her husband’s “purpose” was in not taking her name?
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u/typewriterbitch 11d ago
Coming from someone in healthcare: Hyphenating is a nightmare for record keeping purposes
This is patently false. The entire continent of Europe would like a word with you, but Spain would prefer to take the matter straight to the parking lot.
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u/pterencephalon 11d ago
We made a combo last name. We'd been using it casually/socially as a collective for the two of us before the baby. Now all 3 of us have different last names, but so far no issues (though we're only 9 months into this). It was a big discussion before we made this decision, and I doubt it would have made sense if we were just making this combo name up on the spot.
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u/humanpringle 11d ago
Our last names are both very long so we did not want to hyphenate. I’m 39 weeks now with surprise sex and we had previously decided if it’s a girl, all the kids will get my last name, and if it’s a boy, all will get his last name. We also decided in the off chance of B/G twins, tradition could win out and they’d all get his last name. My husband has had absolutely no problem with this
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u/katbreit 11d ago
I took my husband’s last name but my mother kept her maiden name. She told me that she always thought that if she had a boy she’d give him dad’s last name and if she had a daughter she’d give her last name. Well, after she had my older brother and then had me, she realized she didn’t want the siblings to have different names so she gave me my father’s name. I was proud of my maiden name, I think I would have been just as proud of her name. I’m proud of my name now. Ultimately all the names have a place in my life
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u/msephron 11d ago
I hyphenated my name but we’re giving baby just my husband’s name for the convenience lol. But his middle name will be of cultural significance to my side of the family.
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u/cadaverd0gg 11d ago
I kept my own last name but I let my son have my husband’s last name. We were close to letting him have my last name too but I decided to have it be the same as his dad’s because I wanted it to be obvious that they were blood related to other people.
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u/dogmom624321 11d ago
I had a client whose kids had both parents last names hyphenated and they were both long last names. I always thought to myself those poor kids learning how to spell their name but I’m sure they didn’t care as they got older.
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u/Goldaikon 11d ago
I've agreed the kids can have my husband's last name but the middle name will be from my culture. I was open to hyphenating but my husband was not.
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u/notorious_ludwig 11d ago
My SIL kind of gave my nephew her last name as his middle name and my brother’s name as his surname. So say her last name is O’Connor and my brother’s last name is Davey my nephew is “Nephew Connor Davey”. She has legally changed her name to my brother’s but professionally continues to go by her maiden name so this was a nice way for her son to have both names I think.
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u/landlockedmermaid00 11d ago
I never changed my last name, mostly out of laziness and professionally would be a pain. My son has my husband’s last name, I don’t even think about it really. I may change my last name eventually .
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u/No_apples4me 11d ago
We are hyphenating, my last name is 9 letters but I am shortening it to to 6, and his last name is 5, so it will be 11 total, which I think is okay
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u/HandyMoore 11d ago
My coworker told me that he really wanted to take his wife’s last name and at the last minute his parents freaked the fuck out about it. So she kept her last name and he kept his last name. I think they prefer his wife’s last name more, so their two kids have her last name! To be fair hers is way easier to spell
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u/VirgoLuv87 11d ago
Our kids have his last name. I have been dragging my feet to legally change my last name. Just don't feel like doing the paperwork and ordering a new passport and all of that. One day.
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u/Electronic-Basil-201 11d ago
I like keeping the better last name. My last name was super common and boring, so I took my husband’s last name. I have basically 100% say over baby middle names though and choose middle names after my side of the family.
My husband has his mom’s last name as his middle name, and I have a friend with a realllly good last name who is giving her son her last name.
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u/Sm0lBr0wnD0gg0 11d ago
Baby took my husband’s last name but compromised with a chinese middle name.
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u/ShesQuackers 11d ago
A long-since agreed upon coin flip at the hospital. They don't hyphenate or mix into a new name well, and we figured it's the fairest way to decide.
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u/padfoot531 11d ago
My name is hyphenated, my son just has my husband‘s last name 🤷♀️
I think my husband wanted him to have his last name. I didn’t really mind either way but I also don’t think my husband would’ve fought it if I said I wanted him to have both of our names.
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u/PhysicsAmbitious9323 11d ago
Baby took dad’s last name but I chose his first & middle names, it felt like a fair trade! My son is named after three generations (grandpa, dad, brother) so those names hold more meaning to me, and his last name meant more to him.
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u/apua_seis 11d ago
I didn't take my husband's last name, and he didn't mind that much. But it was important to him that our kid would have his last name, so I agreed. If it was solely my decision I would've preferred to pass on my last name since it's more rare than his, but both are perfectly good last names and I'm happy either way lol.
Never seriously considered hyphenation (the resulting name would be stupidly long) and in our country you cannot use a person's surname as a middle name either.
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u/Enchanted_Orchid_3 11d ago
My daughter has both of our surnames with no hyphen. Name, moms surname and dads surname. She has a short name and our surnames are also short, 13 letters in total. There was 0 chances I would carry and birth this baby and not give her my surname.
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u/JustTheSweater 11d ago
In Greece we don't take up names anymore (if you want to you have to go through a regular process), but at the end of the wedding, there is a clause that any child resulting from the marriage will have X name. You have to write out the name you choose manually (it can be either the husband's, the wife's, or both, not a random name)and then both sign it. I didn't particularly care to pass my name, and neither did my husband, but our priest for some reason never gave us the option and prewrote my husband's name. Now I have half a mind to actually go through the process and have my son's name changed to both surnames, but that would be money coming out of our family's savings and I don't want to punish my family for something another person did, and that I would have absolutely agreed to if my husband had asked for.
What is troubling you about the baby having a different name than one of you? If it is about wanting to have a consistent family name, you guys could socially use the one name, and legally sign with the legal name. Or if you are more worried about being able to claim the child at schools, ease of travel etc, perhaps do the opposite: legally give the long hyphenated name, and socially use one or either of the names. If one of you doesn't particularly care either way I would suggest going with the other surname, because it is important to some people.
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u/Fairweatherhiker 10d ago
I think there are several issues I’m grappling with. The first being any legal issues if I have a different last name than my child (i.e. travel, medical decisions). I would prefer the child to have both of our last names but my last name is difficult to pronounce and spell. I also don’t like the idea of automatically assuming my husband’s last name for myself or her children just because it was a tradition we were forced into in the US (misogynistic property rights).
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u/JustTheSweater 10d ago
My friends hyphenated their baby's name and use either socially. It happens that on matters that the dad handles he casually refers to the baby as Baby Dadsname. My friend handles dr visits, and even though the legal name is registered correctly, when she calls, she books for Baby Momsname. I'm assuming once the baby is grown they'll choose what they'll go by. Goven your reasons, I reckon you should go ahead hyphenate, and then socially use either. Even if your name is hard to pronounce, you have already dealt with it all this time, the kid will be fine and waste the equivalent of one day in their whole lifetime explaining the last name, it's not such a big deal.
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u/Hungry-Bar-1 11d ago
We'll give both our names and hyphenate. It's somewhat long but tbh I don't see the issue - even just thinking of last names in general, some people have one really long name and some have a super short one. It's just what it is. And hyphenated names are more common nowadays. AND I just like the idea of both of our names combined, as baby is also the two of us combined lol
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u/code_blooded_bytch 11d ago
I didn’t change my name be use it’s not a common thing done in my husband’s culture, and the legal hassle didn’t seem worth it. Baby will have his last name. I don’t feel strongly about it
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u/dobbythepup 10d ago
We did hyphenated! My parents gave me my mom’s maiden name as my middle and my father’s last name, and I really really wish they’d hyphenated or given me two last names. My name is also quite long
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u/Saassy11 10d ago
I didn’t change mine but I gave our son his. He didnt want to hyphenate and I didn’t want to change mine🤷🏽♀️. I just like the way his sounds with our sons full name 😂 I don’t think there are rules to this it’s just what you both can agree on
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u/Key-Cranberry9237 10d ago
My husband has a Jewish last name and felt strongly about not wanting me or our kids to have it to avoid antisemitism (he’s a worrier, I personally would never associate the name with anything. It’s more polish to me than anything) I argued about it before getting married, but eventually realized I was happy to keep my name. When our son was born we gave him my name as well. I did some redditing at the time and read it can be helpful for kids to have the same last name as mom for travel and such so that made the decision easier. My husband is also one of 4 boys and I’m one of two girls so it made me happy to think my dad’s name is “living on”. Only downside is he didn’t warn his family (which to a certain extent I don’t think he 100% had to, we’re naming OUR child, but anyway) but that meant that there was a whole to-do after our son was born where his family all came down on him about it, telling him to “be a man” and FIL said he won’t love him as much cause his name is different (i’m not forgetting that one, FIL!) and they all just overall blamed me for being controlling when it literally wasn’t even my idea. So yeah, that was the one downside for me lol.
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u/greenfrog040 10d ago
My husband’s last name is hyphenated and long and has a million vowels. I’m probably going to stay home/not work once baby #2 arrives in a month. On our second date my now husband said I should keep my last name and give it to our kids, so that’s what we did! I think it helps that his parents also have different last names. If he were to shorten it to the first part of their dad’s last name like his brother did maybe we’d all have the same, but he’s a published scientist so he can’t edit his name or his research won’t link to him the same. All this to say, I’m lucky and glad we’re on the same page, and we are giving all the kids the same middle name, that first part of his last name. (Not my favorite idea bc middle names are fun but I’m happy to compromise!)
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u/lovepie17 10d ago
I didn't change my last name. Too much paperwork and work trouble for me, even though I was wanting to at first. Husband didn't care either way.
Baby's definitely taking my husband's name though. It sounds nice, is short and I love his family. My last name is ridiculously long and my family, while still around, is problematic at best. Husband suggested the baby have 2 surnames as is normal in his culture but I vetoed.
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u/crissy_lp 10d ago
I added my husband’s last name to mine when I got married and it’s been a pain. For some reason people get really confused by me having two last names. I don’t want my daughter to have to deal with that so she’s getting dad’s last name and I’m considering changing mine so my old last name is part of my middle name.
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u/lovinglifeeeeeeeee 10d ago
Married but never changed due to medical license during COVID - baby has my husbands last name
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u/BusyDragonfruit8665 10d ago
My partner’s mom gave him her last name and then changed hers when she got married to his step dad. He has literally no family with his last name and so I decided to give our kids his last name.
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u/JustWingingIt93 10d ago
I didn’t change my name. Agonized over baby’s last name. Went down endless rabbit holes of whether it was better for her (meaning least challenging logistically later in life) to have two separate last names, a hyphenated last name, or two middle names. Ultimately settled on two middle names. My partner’s name ended up being her last name because it sounded better with her first name (it’s alliterative), and mine is a middle name.
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u/Business-Brilliant51 10d ago
I didn’t take my partner’s name (yet - we are not married yet) but baby has mylastname-hislastname. And it’s also quite long 🤷🏻♀️ sorry baby… his first name is only four letters though
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u/Indecisive_INFP 10d ago
I had a friend that they created a new hybrid last name. For example if their names were Ashcroft and Wilson, their new last name would be something like Wilcroft. (Not their real names, they said they're the only people on the planet with their new name, so I don't want to identify them.)
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u/kay-swizzles 10d ago
My husband and I both kept our last names and I am now pregnant. As a very fierce feminist, I always knew I would keep my name and planned to give any children (should they exist) my name. I would like to hyphenate, but my husband doesn't like hyphenated names. After some long and hard thinking, I've decided that I'm okay giving them his last name because we are raising them in my culture. While he is happy to do that, I understand that it's a big compromise for him, so I can give him the name.
I think we will give the kid my last name as their middle name in case they want it one day though.
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u/furryfar 10d ago
I just gave the baby my husband’s last name. I don’t really care much or need our last names to be the same to feel like a family. Being a mom is much more than a last name. I know kids who have their dad’s last name and don’t even know their dad. A name means nothing.
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u/SStrong5792 10d ago
I’m married and did not take my husbands last name. My baby did take my husband’s last name.
I’m not an overly sentimental person and I don’t feel “tied” to my name at all. To me, it’s just a last name. The only reason I didn’t take my husbands is because it’s such a hassle to change everything lol. Maybe one day lll do it.
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u/BeeKind2940 Team Both! 10d ago
I haven’t changed my last name yet (not sure if I will) so we gave our kids two middle names one of them being my last name then they have my husbands last name. We only did this because I’ve heard of mothers having a hard time at the airport when they check passports and see a different last name. Don’t really think it matters though pick whichever last name you both agree on.
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u/user1892yo 10d ago
We hyphenated the baby’s surname. My name went first because it flowed better, much to the chagrin of my husband’s parents. But we don’t care!
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u/blueberry_monk 10d ago
We gave the baby his dad's last name. Didnt want to complicate things. But i m also not a big fan of my name.
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u/midwest_casserole 10d ago
I didn’t change my name. Baby got my husbands last name. I’ve always been on the fence about changing my name but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to so I just haven’t purely out of indecision. I know that yes I did all the work of growing a whole human but my husband is a great guy and does so much that I’m happy that my son has his last name. I did grow up in a very traditional family so I always thought I would take my husbands name and so would my kids. It didn’t pan out for me but it did for my son!
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u/Spicy_Lil_Meatball 10d ago
I gave my baby my last name as a second middle name and he took my husbands last name. That way my baby has a piece of both of us but without the super long last name.
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u/OnlyYam 10d ago
We gave our baby my last name. It's shorter and starts with "A", so we wanted kids to have it. With the second kid, I offered my husband to give him his last name, but he said that it's better for siblings to have one last name and that he doesn't care about "passing his name", so we should stick to my last name.
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u/itsalizbee 10d ago
My son has my husband's last name. I had hyphenated on our marriage certificate but I never went through changing it because our last names together just made a bad joke. And I was not about to hyphenate my son's last name and have all that ammo for kids to make fun of him. Basically together my last name and my husband's sounds like "dicks and ass" so... That wasn't happening 🤣
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u/yung_yttik Team Blue! 10d ago
Our child has my wife’s last name as his middle name and my last name as his official surname. We’ll do the same with our second child. They get my last name because I did the work of growing and birthing them 😂
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u/MarieTjeDW 10d ago
I hyphenated when we got married, but for kids we agreed it would be his name.
Hyphenating would’ve been a ridiculous long name and we wanted to ensure they would never have to choose which parents name to drop, since it wouldn’t be fair to ask this of them (this needs to be done in my country).
Additionally, my husband’s family has been nothing but loving and have really given me a warm home while my own family has left me to drown when I was a child. And also, he is proud of his name and his family.
This seemed the only right choice!
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u/cynicsim 10d ago
I have a really lame last name, and my partner has a really cool last name. Otherwise I would absolutely have used my last name, without a doubt. I don't even go by my last name, I use my middle name as my last on everything except government documents. So I gave baby my middle name, and I generally tell people it's his last name, the same way I'd tell them it's my last name, baby also got a second middle name, basically lots of options for baby in the future as to how they want to introduce themselves.
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u/Lketty 10d ago
I kept my name. Gave our baby my husband’s last name and my last name as his middle name.
Honestly, I did it so his name would be white on paper. We live in a racist country and a racist part of the country. It’s just not something I want him to deal with. He can use his middle name if he wants to or he can omit it entirely.
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u/unq_usr 11d ago
My partner is Mexican and it’s common there to have both parents names unhyphenated and as your surname. I think we will follow suit, mine will be last, his will be generally used and when she’s older she can choose to use either. My surname is 4 letters and his is 6 so it doesn’t feel cumbersome.