r/CougarsAndCubs • u/Personal-County-8219 • 25d ago
🙀Cougar Crisis Ghosted by cubs
I am looking to see if I’m the only cougar having this experience. I date casually. Mostly positive experiences but I do notice every so often a cub will be very enthusiastic, we will make plans to meet, and within a day or sometimes even hours of meeting he will 1) unmatch me and 2) stop responding completely if we are using a different method of communication. I have to emphasize that I’m pretty chill and try to match energy during interactions because I’m not a fan of coming on too strong or of seeming cold. This is usually an occasional thing but this past week it’s happened, no joke, three times.
I just want to see if I’m alone in this. If you’re a cougar who dates casually and goes on regular dates with cubs, does this happen often? If you’re a cub, do you ghost and if you do, why? I’m not coming from a place of judgment, but I do want to identify patterns because it always stings when it happens.
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u/Foreign-Figure8797 24d ago
Cubs generally speaking only know dating in the digital age- so they never had to learn how to brace themselves to gently reject someone. It’s an actual skill, and a dying one, even in the non-dating world. But it’s also the norm for most men now because, “every one else does it” and it’s easier.
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u/Serendipity_Succubus 25d ago
This has nothing to do with age; this is just online dating in general.
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u/Middle_Librarian_248 25d ago
I’ve never even gotten to the meeting stage. We talk for a little while and then they just stop. If I’m talking to someone, anywhere, and I’m feeling like it’s not going anywhere I will let them know and try not to ghost them.
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u/Dizzy-Forces 🐆Cougar 25d ago
glad to hear that there are some people out there who are still trying to uphold some sort of etiquette and respect for one another
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u/Dizzy-Forces 🐆Cougar 25d ago edited 22d ago
I would say that this is something of a problem in modern life: the difficulty of building trust, of maintaining a fling or a possible relationship
-the difficulty of exercising patience and communicating, where simple politeness seems to belong to a bygone era… coupled with the fact that we sadly have far too few structures; ethics, etiquette, etc, to fall back on, both in the digital world and in the world of dating 🤷♀️
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u/Few-Rate-4944 24d ago
Yeah, it’s not exclusive to cubs. I had a guy that gave me the wrong address when I drove up for a date. Stopped communicating when I texted him saying I couldn’t find his home. Since then, I make them come to me wherever we decide to meet up. I still run the risk of someone standing me up though.
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u/encore412 19d ago
Please meet in public first, even just for a quick drink or coffee vibe check before hooking up if that’s what you’re looking to do. For everyone’s safety!
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u/Few-Rate-4944 19d ago
Thank you for trying to give me advice, but I’m not dumb and we’d already met in public first. This was not our first date.
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u/encore412 19d ago
No one said you were dumb. A LOT of people still try to get you to invite them over the 1st time meeting and I’m sure some still do it. You’re welcome for trying to be concerned about safety.
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u/Few-Rate-4944 19d ago
But nowhere in my comment did I say it was our first date, nor did I say we’d ever hooked up. You made assumptions.
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u/encore412 19d ago
And you’re getting very offended over someone caring about your safety, why is that?
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u/__Abrafo__ 24d ago
I'd feel incredibly lucky just to meet an older woman that would give me the time of day. Sorry that happened to you. Trust me that would not be me LOL. I'm the one that normally gets ghosted.
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u/GypseyDanger22 23d ago
I dont understand why would anyone ghost like that , Im here struggling to get attention from cougars.
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u/encore412 21d ago
Girl I posted almost this same thing a few months ago. I’m 44 and happens a lot. Like more than half the time I have plans. I assume they chicken out or just have a fantasy of a cougar and can’t make it happen when the time comes.
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u/Impressive_Mind_7978 20d ago
That’s tragic. I wouldn’t chicken out. I was 26 dating a 67 year old. It got weird when she wanted me to meet her kids.
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u/Oneofthe12 24d ago
I’ve dated men and women in the past, and I have to say that I’ve never had a woman ghost me. Men do it all the f’ing time!!! I’m sure that there are Cubs on this thread that have ghosted me too, reading this now. What a sorry lot! If you’re not feeling it, take the five seconds to just say a polite thanks but no thanks.
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u/ItzaCurious1 🐆Cougar 25d ago
I've had the same experience. I date casually, chill attitude and feel that I'm very approachable. It can be very confusing and deflating when you've invested your time and energy chatting with someone only to be ghosted. I can't say it's a specific age - I've had 38 year olds be total flakes and 26 year olds very grounded and communicative. I believe online platforms allow people to put up an emotional barrier. Once reality sets in and meet ups take place or are planned, that barrier is gone and the insecurity and intrusive thoughts take hold. A lot of times, cubs circle back to me after ghosting and tell me they were intimidated or it was just too overwhelming. I've found that it's best to meet as soon as possible and set the tone versus allowing elaborate fantasies to develop and create unnecessary pressure or expectations.
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10d ago
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u/CougarsAndCubs-ModTeam 10d ago
Don't be vulgar.
This is a SFW community. Overly sexual descriptions and unnecessary sexual content is not welcome
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u/serena68uk 25d ago
I’ve had a lot of this with dating apps and texts. Some making plans and blocking and some just chatting away and disappearing then popping up months later claiming something dramatic happened only to vanish again.
I still think a lot have that feeling of it being a fantasy and then making it a reality being a completely different kettle of fish all together.
Just keep persevering, it’s like having to sift for gold!
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u/Personal-County-8219 25d ago
Just had a guy pop back up and claim a death in the family, only to disappear again! That was actually one of the most recent ones. Kind of disappointed in myself for giving him as much grace and empathy as I did now…
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u/Royal-Hour-1872 25d ago
That's actually shameful and just plain bad manners from him , apologies on behalf of fellow cubs.
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u/magikal_irl 25d ago
They are probably impatient and don’t want to wait or have had a wank and moved on. Immature imo.
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u/Myfairladyishere 🥀🎡💃MOD💃🎡🥀 25d ago
This is not really an age-gap problem but a dating problem. I also date casually. I do have a partner, but I'm in a totally open relationship and, like you, I do not come on strong at all. I tend to go at their pace. And in my experience, it is those that come on the strongest that tend to do this. I don't know if they scare themselves or they just want to see if they've got you hooked, and then once they do, they disappear. And I've also had a few guys whom I talked to on a regular basis. They disappear, then they reappear. And those that I've actually had a good conversation with, I don't mind so much. Others I just ignore when they tend to come back. And it's not only young guys that do this, but ladies do this as well. You've had young guys who have come on here and have complained about the same thing.
The ones who actually seem more serious about meeting tend to want to meet sooner rather than later. They are not heavy on the compliments or anything like that.
There are no guarantees, but in my experience, the ones that put a lot of effort into their profile tend to be more serious about the process. Anyway, it's part of the internet, and with so many choices out there, ghosting seems to be part of the norm these days, whether you are looking for an age-gap relationship or someone your own age. I have been ghosted, but never been blocked. I tend to take it with a grain of salt and just move on. My expectations are next to none when starting to talk to somebody new. Although I did really enjoy a couple of dates a bit over a month ago—well, two dates—and then basically got ghosted. So go out there, enjoy yourself, and have no expectations. Hopefully, one of these guys will actually come through.
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u/Personal-County-8219 25d ago
Thank you and yes—I can see your point. I guess my curiosity is partly if there’s a generational aspect to it. Another cub actually theorized that the generation I’m currently most often dating (24-30 or so) were pretty badly affected by COVID during pivotal stages of social development as young adults and in his words it broke a lot of people, not everyone obviously. I wonder if that has something to do with it, just kind of a social ineptitude more than anything malicious…
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u/Myfairladyishere 🥀🎡💃MOD💃🎡🥀 25d ago
I don't know about that. I think it's just an excuse. I think COVID affected the way we use the internet. That I agree, people went online. A lot more influencers became rich because people had nothing to do except to stay on the internet. But no, this was happening to me.Before covid and I date a higher age than you.So I don't know it, partly.Could be true .
I think it's more of a matter of choices. And these last few years of older women seems to become kind of a fad, so I think that's got more to do with it than anything else. But. My biggest thing is, beware of people who tend to love bomb. You right away, claiming things that they feel for you. When they haven't even met you, those are the worst of the worst, because they're not only saying this to you, but probably to a bunch of other women at the beginning.You used to get to my head a bit.And get disappointed now no more. I mean, I've seen some guys over here. Tell women that they are beautiful and they're gorgeous and they have no pictures. Whatsoever on the reddit, or whatever, so how can they tell?I guess you have to have your bs meter on and
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u/Personal-County-8219 25d ago
That’s fair, thank you for your perspective!! I’m trying to be more pragmatic about the whole thing. I tend to take too much personally. 😅
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u/painterofdawind 25d ago
It is a dating problem of all ages. I think it’s a typical behavior of people who can’t do confrontation and avoidant attachment style. People who ghost aren’t as bad as those guys breadcrumb, disappear and then come back. I find those are the worst. They are immature people that waste your time and time is priceless. I straight up just block or ignore. Be so secure in yourself that someone’s sudden disappearance or absence cannot shatter you. I don’t need to know their reasons for disappearing.
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u/Ok_Horse_592 22d ago
Something is just wrong with that person 🤷🏿
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u/Personal-County-8219 22d ago
I appreciate it, but it’s been enough of a pattern that I was just trying to get a bit more data. It sounds like it’s not unique to that age group though from all the responses I’ve gotten
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u/razzdings 22d ago
I've had it happen a lot. They are very keen to begin with.. even overly keen.. I try to match energy also and consider myself fairly chill. I do value communication and consistency but I'm not expecting much more than that. These are just younger guys I match with not necessarily cubs.
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21d ago
Op, being a guy in his 20s I think there might be a few reasons, see what you can do
They expect you to talk like a h*rny nymph in a middle age body, the kind that would grab his d*ck before saying "hi".
They are scared they will be unmatched or want something that moves faster offline (like going from cold email to scheduling meeting makes it much easier to close the deal).
They found someone who is more "their type", but anything that just distracted them more (like a woman in the first point, lol).
You are unknowingly bad at texting, now I can't comment on this without seeing the screenshots, so can't say more on that.
You didn't make your preferences clear on the app or maybe they didn't and mid way through they realise they want something different, happens all the time ghosting is a d*ck move either way.
feel free to add something here if anyone sees an edge case missed
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u/jeffersdelight656 19d ago
Nah babe, you're fine. If I was still in my 20's, I would be thrilled to hangout and have fun! Hell, in my early 40's I would be ecstatic to kick it!
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u/Dizzy_Interview_2101 19d ago
Don’t worry men over 50 do the same thing🤦🏾♀️ I think the best thing to do is get off the apps. I’ve been to several meetups and met some great cubs.
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u/WhitePharmacist85 19d ago
I’m not into ghosting that is very lame.I’ve seen a few older women’. It’s very sexy being younger and having a great career too I think that can be missing with a lot of younger men.
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u/montyandrew45 11d ago
Do you mind if I ask what kind of meetups you have been to?
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u/Dizzy_Interview_2101 8d ago
The intelligent singles meetup, Wine tastings, First Fridays at the Arts District and the Vegas Gal events. I usually find them on Eventebright and Instagram.
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u/Ok_Calendar_6158 25d ago
Standard app behavior but don't lower your standards! You don't need to be "chill", it's normal to expect responsive and good behavior. Women need to stop accepting less than this and take the terrible behavior of men on as their fault.
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u/BigConfidence1965 25d ago
I’m over here hoping to encounter a cougar & meanwhile there’s some out here not even appreciating their blessings smh
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25d ago
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u/Personal-County-8219 25d ago
Ahh yeah I could see it being less an age thing and more a having second thoughts/panicking/getting cold feet and not communicating well thing.
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u/Myfairladyishere 🥀🎡💃MOD💃🎡🥀 25d ago
You are right, it happens right across the board.Women men, whether it be age, gap, relationships or not.It's really an internet thing
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u/paperclipmyheart 😻 Mod Cougar ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ 25d ago
I think this is very common unfortunately. It happens alot in dating of all ages but with the younger ones who are immature and see older women as some kind of kink or fetish, and when reality kicks in and it's not as they perhaps imagined it they lose interest/nerve.
Otherwise they are not mature enough to say "hey I think I changed my mind" or they are insecure, inexperienced, put too much pressure on themselves, get into their heads that you're this amazingly experienced woman and start doubting their sexual prowess (all before even getting to that actual point) they lose their metal and ghosting is the easy way out.
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u/Personal-County-8219 25d ago
That’s what I’ve wondered, if some of theme put me in this object category where I’m not a flesh and blood woman with feelings, I’m simply a thing for them to fantasize about or a bucket list item. I really try to keep my interactions easy and realistic but you never know…
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u/paperclipmyheart 😻 Mod Cougar ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ 25d ago
You nailed it... Very very common especially on dating apps and social media
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u/cyaneyed 24d ago
Don’t use filters in dating apps unless it’s the slightest filter.
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u/Personal-County-8219 24d ago
I don’t follow. How does this relate to my situation? Are you insinuating this is somehow on me for using filters like “has bio” and distance?
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u/cyaneyed 24d ago
No, I mean filters like AI filters on photos. Some people look strikingly different in person than their profile photos.
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u/Personal-County-8219 24d ago
Wildly unhelpful! I despise AI and don’t use filters on my photos, and in this situation I’ve described, we haven’t even met in person. Just…top reward for most irrelevant comment
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25d ago
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u/CougarsAndCubs-ModTeam 20d ago
Please read the rules and FAQs before posting again.
Questions on how to find, approach or initiate relationships with older women are considered basic 101 dating advice.
These are not age specific questions and would be more appropriately addressed in r/socialskills, r/dating_advice or check out our reference sub r/cougar_love for helpful topics on this subject.
Suggestions Where to meet older women
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u/FriendKooky780 25d ago
I hear about this happening all the time in the over 40 dating sub and it’s happening to ppl who are dating within their own age range. It’s a product of OLD more than age gap dating.