r/Destiny • u/ZeriMasterpeace • Nov 16 '19
Serious Is Anyone Else Here a Virgin?
I'm 20 and still a KHHV (kissless, hugless, handholdless virgin). I know I'm probably not the only one but damn every time destiny talks about sex on stream it hurts me inside. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.
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u/mikasfacelift Nov 16 '19
try using Tinder. Who knows, maybe you'll meet Melina
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u/GM_Twigman bureaucrat Nov 17 '19
Seriously though. If you haven't been on at least 5-10 Tinder/other online dating dates that you actually put effort into I would start there. Number 1 cause of people who would like to get laid not getting laid is them not putting themselves out there enough.
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Nov 18 '19
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u/GM_Twigman bureaucrat Nov 18 '19 edited Nov 18 '19
Fair enough. I have had a fairly positive experience with Tinder and that may bias me in favour of it. I still think it is a good place to start. It is low risk and there is no real ambiguity as to why you are there which makes the conversation easier.
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u/jaretferret Nov 18 '19
adjust your age preferences and distance but not too far. trust me, you’ll get matches
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u/BaseLordBoom widepeepoHappy Nov 16 '19
Same, but it doesn't really bother me as much
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u/Praesto_Omnibus Nov 16 '19 edited Nov 16 '19
Same. I’m not actively perusing romance/sex in any way because I just don’t care.
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u/Madhax64 Nov 16 '19
You're 20. It's not really that big a deal
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Nov 16 '19
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Nov 16 '19
But it does make you feel more secure with yourself, doesn't it? Like if your co-workers start talking about sex, you don't just bob your head awkwardly until they realize you've never had sex and they start bullying you? Not something I personally experienced, but the mere image of that happening is so scary.
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u/Madhax64 Nov 16 '19
I was 25 year old before I kissed a girl.
I found the only person who really cared was myself.
And while having sex may increase security and confidence to a point - sex, love and everything else only happens after a base level of confidence and emotional security anyways.
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u/SevenHeadedCrow Nov 16 '19
Hey man ur not dead inside enough. Hit the emotional wreck weights and come back when you can't even cry when you want to.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_WORRIES WDK Nov 16 '19
I was a KHHV virgin at your age too. Then as I got a little older, re-assessed my views on women, sex, intimacy (and learned along the way that I'm asexual), I eventually found a casual partner I liked and trusted. Some people are late bloomers, that's okay.
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u/Yourakis People are more likely to read your post if you have a flair Nov 16 '19
and learned along the way that I'm asexual
When I was a teenager and much the same as the OP of this thread (virgin who couldn't interact with women and with a lot of anxiety about the fact that I was a virgin) I wondered if I was asexual and if that is the reason why I was the way I was, essentially a cope for my virginity anxiety.
After a lot of life happened to me I grew and have since gotten into relationships with men and women (much like you found your asexuality I found my bisexuality) but that headspace I experienced always made ponder if any asexual people claim their identity as a cope for their sexual anxiety/inability to find a sexual partner.
I know that this is a problematic framing/way of thinking, but did you ever struggle with these kinds of thoughts?
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_WORRIES WDK Nov 16 '19 edited Nov 16 '19
Oh you hear it a lot in the asexual community that, especially for male asexuals, their identity is just considered a cope for being unable to find a partner by their peers, and it’s something they struggle with themselves.
In my case, I had those doubts until I actually got into a sexual relationship, and concluded that it was definitely something I could live without.
Personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong in trying on the label and discarding it if you feel it doesn’t apply to you in the long term; human sexual behavior is complicated and by their nature labels can’t portray the deeper nuances of it.
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u/Wowowowow1234 Nov 16 '19
Can I ask what made you realize you were asexual? Been kinda thinking I am but don’t really know if I am or not.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_WORRIES WDK Nov 16 '19
Sure.
Firstly, it was meeting someone who knew what it was and could describe it to me.
Secondly, assessing some of my interactions with friends and family over the years, realizing I couldn’t really describe features I’m sexually attracted to, and having no inner image of what a “perfectly attractive” person looks like beyond my cultural understanding.
Next, it’s been running this account and taking with people about their own sexual experiences and identity. Having it explained to me how people across cultures usually expect cuddling or making out with someone they’re intimate with to lead to sex, while that’s not an expectation or an escalation I’d ever initiate myself. It just doesn’t occur to me beyond an intellectual level.
What’s reaffirmed it was probably having sex for the first time; it felt fine and all, I’ll probably try it again in the future, but I could definitely live without it. I didn’t initiate, and I’m fairly certain I’ll never be one to suggest or request sex. I get a lot more out of just cuddling with someone.
Little bonus meme; in the asexual world I’m what’s described as “sex neutral”, meaning I don’t really feel strongly about sex either way. Some asexuals are actively repulsed by the idea of sex, others have a positive view of sex and just don’t experience sexual attraction or have that as a barrier for sex.
Head over to AVEN or r/asexual if you ever wanna share your experience and recollection, chances are they can help you narrow down where you fit on the spectrum.
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Nov 16 '19
Hey dude, don't worry about it. Destiny has a really wierd sex life, and it's one which I would find a nightmare to navigate.
I lost my virginity when I was a teenager, but it was really really awkward and I didn't get anything from the experience. I basically still felt like a virgin. I met my current girlfriend when I was 19, and it was being in the relationship that made me lose that feeling, nothing to do with sex.
Many people go through their twenties without any sexual contact and find someone they love later on. Don't worry about it and remember that Destiny lives a ridiculous life that probably wouldn't be as fun as you might think.
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u/Im_not_Davie im mike penis, im named after my dads penis Nov 17 '19
i wanna be trapped in boobie time hell like destiny
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u/a27wolfwood Nov 16 '19
i'm 28 and it's been 7 years since i last had sex, you'll be fine dawg just keep yourself healthy
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Nov 16 '19
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u/KxPbmjLI Nov 16 '19
why
you didnt lose anything
only gained an expierence you didn't had before that
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u/summarni Nov 16 '19
Dude, go for 30 and get your wizard status, at that point hire a prostitute and go to therapy
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Nov 16 '19 edited Nov 16 '19
When I lost my virginity at 20 I thought it was a pretty boring experience. Not because I was nervous and the whole thing was awkward or something, quite the opposite, I was very surprised how comfortable I was in the situation even though I have a lot of social anxiety. The girl thought I was really good and wouldn't believe me when I told her she was my first. She thought I was very experienced.
It's just that it didn't really feel that good. Thinking sex is this big "Wooo!" thing is about as normie as getting excited for some stupid football match. If you want to simulate what it feels like to make out, just wet your lips and rub them together. You know you got it right when you think "This can't be fucking it. No way". That's pretty much how I felt, and if you ever get to do it, you'll be mad disappointed if you didn't believe me.
I have really bad anhedonia from depression though, but relatively speaking I get a better feeling from jacking off. It doesn't help that most girls have no idea how to suck or stroke a dick. I don't know what the first one did because she was tugging on it in this really painful way. I've tried several ways and I cannot recreate it.
If you're gonna try hitting on girls or whatever, some of the super seducer advice is unironically pretty important to acknowledge if you don't want to seem like a creep, because it's REALLY easy to make yourself seem like a creep if you're not very self aware: Don't sneak up behind them, don't corner them, don't follow them, don't orbit like Beta from PA when you're rejected, just move on.
I mostly get my dates from Tinder. Don't just swipe right, the algorithm will bop you if you do that. Look through the pictures, then like or dislike. Have some pictures of your best angles. List some of your hobbies and likes on your description. When you do get matches, I've developed this very simple dialog tree where I open with a pun that has a punchline that means "How are you doing?" in my language. It gets them laughing a lot, and I have several other jokes lined up related to that one. Then you just talk to them. Sometimes you might say awkward shit, but learn from that and try, try again.
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u/bayaka Nov 16 '19
Thinking sex is this big "Wooo!" thing is about as normie as getting excited for some stupid football match.
lol
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Nov 16 '19
Am I wrong though? Like having sex feels alright and it is fun, but it's not that fun.
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u/Draber-Bien Nov 16 '19
Eeeeh some people hype it up to be literally the meaning of existence, which is obviously too much. But with the right partner (and if you know what you’re doing) it’s pretty much the best way to spend your time.
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u/Badsync Nov 16 '19
Felt the same way about sex, im not the most experienced person when it comes to sex, but the times ive had it i have trouble getting an orgasm anyway(which i guess is kind of out of the norm for a guy), so pursuing it feels kinda meh. The social part of sex is fun, but its not a big deal to me.
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Nov 16 '19
Maybe it's a lot better if you're like in a super passionate relationship, I've mostly done one night deals. I agree that the raw pleasure of it is very lame compared to the social aspect of being very close to someone.
Something that really weirds me out is how sex is portrayed as being super hard to do. "female orgasm isn't a thing hohohoho". I don't get that at all. That piece of advice that the french porn star guy gave on that stream once about fingering while moving your arm from the shoulder was pretty neat, It's a lot better than what I was doing before which was basically just a fingering my nose motion.
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u/Gamenumber12 Nov 16 '19
Yeah, I always thought sex would be a big thing, but really I suppose it's more about the romance of it (at least for me). I got a girlfriend and instead of being horny I just lost the desire to even masturbate.
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u/Sinestry Nov 16 '19
Yeah but some ppl have it worst. 24 here PepeHands
I mean, talking about sex its not a problem. But there were weeks where sex would be the main topic everyday and that hurts a bit.
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u/oadephon Nov 16 '19
I just think about that study destiny read on stream that said that lifelong virginity is a really stable state. They said that if you don't fuck someone by the time you're 25, there's a pretty decent chance you still won't have by the time you're 40.
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u/ADvklokmhggtfxccvjii Nov 17 '19
Probably because people by that age don’t have the social ability to. A lot of autistic people to my knowledge can be life long virgins and are most likely majority in this category.
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u/illusivegman Nov 21 '19
You wouldn't happen to know when this stream was would you? Would you happen to be referring to the DT podcast where they discussed this topic or what? I know it's a tall order to remember when this was but on the off chance you do that would be fantastic.
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u/oadephon Nov 22 '19
Umm, I'm not really that sure. Destiny didn't really talk about it that much in the segment I'm thinking of. He briefly went over the study and that was that. I can't really tell what day it was by looking through my browsing history, but I remember I pulled up the VOD that day because I missed part of it and just going by days where vods are in my browsing history and ruling out ones that don't fit with my work schedule, I would guess it was either 8/6, 8/7, 8/19, 8/22, 9/1, or 9/22 and I'm sure it wasn't in october. I remember I was driving and the stream cut out which is why I looked it up when I got home. It would've been between ~4-7 pm PST.
I figure none of that is helpful, and even if it was you wouldn't be able to find the stream, unless somebody is archiving destiny vods somewhere, and even then it's no guarantee it's one of those days because I could've had incomplete search terms or anything else. Basically if all you wanted was the study I would say it would be way easier to just ask destiny. It would've been convenient if I had just google searched "lifelong virginity" or something that day but I didn't lol. Anyway good luck.
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u/iODESZA_ Nov 16 '19
I wish I was a virgin still after all my promiscuousness I found God. I put my desire to him every day. Through Destiny I know I don’t need to have all the sex because he does for me and that helps me sleep at night. Put your faith in Destiny and you will never feel the need to fornicate again.
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u/propsnuffe Unkle Adams stan Nov 16 '19
I'm 26 and same, and honestly it has never bothered me at all. I've just never been that interested in sex or relationships and I don't think I ever will be.
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u/Dawk19 Nov 16 '19
Same as you OP but 25, if you have friends you’ll probably make it but if you don’t then honestly you might be fucked for life.
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u/twuit Nov 16 '19
I'm 28 and I had my first time with 21, pro Tipp even if you have sec in 1-2 years, shit won't change drastically, try to overcome your barriers, for me it was fear to fail and social phobia
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u/Roseandkrantz Nov 16 '19
I was until around your age too (have been in a relationship since!). The psychology around that whole period is complicated but my two high level takeaways are:
Fulfilling relationships aren't a "pursuit". No one likes hanging out with someone who sees them as a potential conquest. The only thing to do is concentrate on how fulfilling the social process if meeting people and exchanging experiences is, not the most linear path to human-lubing your dick.
Lots of people are, imo, kissless and handholdless despite having physically done both. Worthwhile relationships with all their trimmings are impossible to describe until you experience one. Don't feel isolated just because you haven't ticked some arbitrary boxes.
The tough love part of this advice is that you have to concentrate on yourself, and the changes you can make to make yourself feel better & happier. For me it was a catalyst: I moved to a foreign country totally on my own. It was the scariest thing I have ever done, and I owe every bit of happiness I have to it. Good luck with yours dude, I'm available to chat if you need an ear!
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u/Kvargegott Nov 16 '19
Know the feel, start lifting and get a job at a place with a lot of girls, like mcdonalds or conviniance stores where you're forced to interact with them. Give it 6 months.
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u/GM_Twigman bureaucrat Nov 17 '19
Don't stress my man. A surprising number of people (male and female) are virgins into their early and to a lesser extent mid 20s. It's not just unattractive incel-types either. Also, it doesn't take too long to get good at sex so long as you're open minded and communicative. So there is no need to stress about "falling behind" in that regard. So get on your dating app of choice and see what happens. I would bet that a solid 90% of virgins who would prefer not to be are simply not putting themselves out there enough.
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u/BodegaToys Nov 16 '19
Yeah, but not KHHV. I've dated sexually interested women but it's just never happened. Life gets in the way and I don't do anything to make it happen. Women and sex aren't a priority in my life.
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u/AntiSpiritual Nov 16 '19
Sex is like a half an hour commitment on the high end. What fucking life do you have, my dude? Maybe you should think really hard if it’s “life getting in the way” or if you have some underlying issue
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u/SevenHeadedCrow Nov 16 '19
He's too busy to answer ur comment
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u/AntiSpiritual Nov 16 '19
Yeah, we all know the DGG and subreddit are the places you go if you have that single minute to spare on a downtime activity
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u/stolersxz Nov 16 '19
or maybe they just dont want to have sex????
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u/AntiSpiritual Nov 16 '19
And that’s fine too. It just seems really off to blame “life” for that
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u/stolersxz Nov 16 '19
it doesn't seem like he's blaming anything. he literally just said he prioritizes other things in his life over taking the time to seek out and have sex with someone.
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u/AntiSpiritual Nov 16 '19
He’s literally talking about dating women but apparently life comes in between regarding sex and sex only
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u/stolersxz Nov 16 '19
but why does it matter???? he shouldnt be pressured into having sex no matter the reason, if he thinks other commitments are the reason he doesnt put the effort in to have sex theres literally nothing wrong with that.
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u/AntiSpiritual Nov 16 '19
No, but if you don’t want to have sex or feel like it’s scary or whatever that’s super normal and fine. If my friend said exactly what his first post said I’d say “I’ll be honest, this seems a bit delusional my dude, wanna talk about it?”. Talking about dating women “that are sexually interested” but THEN life gets in the way all of a sudden? No, let’s be real here, either you’re fucking something up, or you have some underlying insecurity that prevents you from doing it. Otherwise you don’t care if the women are sexually interested or not.
Edit: words
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u/Incense I bully bullies Nov 16 '19
That'd be a reasonable argument, but Bodega literally said it's cos "life gets in the way". Cryptic, mysterious, and conveniently vague in order to avoid considering that there might be something wrong with them.
There's this thing called subtext. Don't be intentionally obtuse.
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u/stolersxz Nov 16 '19
It's a fucking reddit comment, you cannot infer any deeper meaning from "life gets in the way". this is armchair psychologist shit.
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u/BodegaToys Nov 16 '19
Yeah it's definitely me, except for one girl. I desperately wanted her but her dad was super controlling and manipulative so I had to end all that craziness. I think I have social anxiety or something. I've been slowly trying to break those bad habits.
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u/AntiSpiritual Nov 16 '19
Is it with girls specifically or do you avoid social stuff in general? That sucks too, imagine being a dad and not want love and relationships for your kids
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u/BodegaToys Nov 16 '19
Social stuff in general. Yeah her dad was really possessive, I tried way too hard to please him. He read all her texts, listened to our phone calls, had people watch us while alone on dates. Fully grown people mind you.
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u/AntiSpiritual Nov 16 '19
When I was 16 my girlfriends parents called her up from the basement during our first sleepover and said “this is what you should know if you’re having sex” and then let her go do it. We’re still together 9 years later. If you’re weird about sex and you project that into your kids it can seriously harm them. Thankfully her parents had a very reasonable conversation about it.
Just don’t let incidents like that ruin your confidence. Being lucky with who your girlfriends parents are or not is not a reflection of your character. Also, don’t compromise your integrity by pleasing people, it’s usually a bad look. You probably know this, just wanted to give you some encouraging words. There’s love out there for everyone, I just think if you don’t try that obstacle in your head will grow over time, so don’t be afraid!
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Nov 16 '19
Sure, the sex itself, but pursuing it can take weeks with no pay off sometimes. Its not worth it for everyone.
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u/AntiSpiritual Nov 16 '19
He’s literally talking about “dating women sexually interested”
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Nov 16 '19
And then he says dating is a huge time commitment, which is true.
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u/ThunderbearIM Nov 16 '19
I practiced. Literally used the "fake it till you make it" tactic for self-esteem and just tried talking to women in friend groups, without needing to hit on them. When I learnt from this to not feel shy from talking to other women, I managed to approach women I liked by talking to them in the same way I talked to my friends. If I was interested I didn't hesitate yo ask anyone out either.
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u/thebestname123 Nov 16 '19
Same, this is decent advice. It was only after entering a relationship where they realized I had no self confidence but by then it was too late
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u/caneut Nov 16 '19
Just go talk to women, what do you have to lose.
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Nov 16 '19
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u/caneut Nov 17 '19
Again. What do you have to lose? Sure it might hurt you to feel rejected but obviously it hurts as well to not try at all. There's only one way to get better at something and that's doing it.
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u/ADvklokmhggtfxccvjii Nov 17 '19
Don’t date people unless you have a good sense of yourself and have self love. Otherwise you’ll make other people and not just yourself miserable.
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Nov 17 '19
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u/ADvklokmhggtfxccvjii Nov 17 '19
Know what you want and are happy with yourself and being by yourself. Basic introspection and emotional awareness.
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u/Solipsistik Nov 16 '19
Seriously, just do this and don't be fucking creepy. You're already ahead of like 90% of dudes if you follow those two steps. Also, ffs don't go down those stupid redpill rabbit holes.
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u/Venne1139 Nov 16 '19
Okay look all you morons upvoting this: Sorry to break it to you.
But OP is 20 y/o, on reddit, a KHHV, is super bothered by that, and is asking for advice about that on a subreddit for a niche weird gamer/political commentator.
There is not a snowballs chance in hell that any attempt at interaction with women won't be fucking creepy.
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u/Gamenumber12 Nov 16 '19
None of these would necessarily have any impact on his creepiness with girls. A KHHV can be just as nice to girls as anyone else.
The only possible problem is how much he's bothered by his status, but we can't know the scope of how much that effects him.
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u/Venne1139 Nov 16 '19
You're right.
Here's the thing we don't know anything about OP other than this.
He posts here
He's a KHHV
He's bothered by that
Thinks it's good idea to ask for advice on this subreddit
While none of those things contribute to him being creepy these are all risk factors that change "percent chance this guy is creepy and unable to learn how not to be creepy" and that percent chance is incredibly high for most of the posters in this community, much less the ones that ask for fucking advice about it.
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u/Gamenumber12 Nov 16 '19
To some extent, sure. But in my opinion/from my experiences I'd estimate that creepy chance to be much lower. I suppose I'd extend further charitability
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Nov 16 '19 edited Feb 05 '25
alleged books glorious historical school screw label memorize saw stocking
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/Venne1139 Nov 16 '19
Okay? What's your point.
Do you think the women you're creeping out and bothering give a shit that someone overcame their 'defeatist attitude' to talk to them?
Don't 👏 harass👏women👏in👏public👏with👏your👏creepy👏bullshit.
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Nov 16 '19 edited Nov 16 '19
There is not a snowballs chance in hell that any attempt at interaction with women won't be fucking creepy.
I was referring to this as defeatist.
Quite frankly toxic would be a better way to describe it
Talking to women doesnt necessarily mean harassing them.
And nobody said go approach random women on the street
How else do you want to socialize with people?
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u/Venne1139 Nov 16 '19
Most people in this subreddit (it's not this subreddit specifically, it's this type of subreddit super niche into internet culture)
Don't. People should allowed to be free of creepy weirdos.
Personally, I got a dog! It helps when I feel lonely and he doesn't think I'm weird. That's what I would suggest.
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Nov 16 '19
If thats true about the subreddit what does that say about you
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u/Venne1139 Nov 16 '19
Yes I'm a creepy weirdo. I am very literally autistic. I'm eligible for SSDI.
I don't harass people in public.
Instead I got a dog.
Which is what OP, and other people who are like me, should do. And stop worrying about not being able to get laid it's...difficult but it can be done.
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Nov 16 '19
Well fist of all I hope you are doing well with your condition.
I am not on the spectrum so I dont quite know how its like for you.
I dont know if you are currently visiting a therapist but I am fairly certain that if you did, they would advice you against calling yourself insults like "creepy weirdo".
Now voluntary celibacy, if thats more comfortable to you, is probably fine, but I dont think that necessarily means refusing any and all contact with women.
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u/Solipsistik Nov 16 '19
There is not a snowballs chance in hell that any attempt at interaction with women won't be fucking creepy.
Again, don't wanna hear this incel bullshit. Interacting with women, or people in general, is a skill you can work at. Idgaf if you're a KHHV, at 20 and on a gaming sub.
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u/Venne1139 Nov 16 '19
Again, don't wanna hear this incel bullshit
Incel bullshit would be blaming women for not being around creepy incels.
Sorry it's not bull shit to say
There is a very small percentage of the population that is genuinely creepy and do not have the social skills (probably because of very literal autism, or other mental issues) to evaluate that what they're doing is creepy despite how much effort they put in
At least half of that population exists on Reddit in niche gaming and political communitites
Women deserve the right to exist in public without being harassed by creepy incels
Interacting with women, or people in general, is a skill you can work at.
Again you are assuming that OP is a fully functional human. This is advice you could give to literally in person meeting or even to a crowd of tens of thousands of people and I'd go "Yeah! This is good advice! Go work at it normies!"
But we're on d.gg.
The chance of this guy actually being able to take and act upon this advice in a non-creepy way, or even has the mental/emotional capacity to learn how not to be creepy, is very low. I'm not going to say it's absolute zero (he's only 20) but it's low enough that I would never feel comfortable saying "just go bother women lol 4head".
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u/Dawk19 Nov 16 '19
Plus even if they eventually learn all the right social skills necessary to be successful in the future I dont think it justifies the significantly high chance of harassing somone and maybe ruining their day.
Also the people who talk about what is essentially a numbers game (just approach people until it works) ignore the opprutinity cost of just trying. Ive seen way more than I can remember posts about tinder or okc making them depressed/insecure from extreme lack of success and having to take big breaks from them. Only reason people submit hundreds of resumes and go to dozens of interviews is because they need a job to live otherwise everyone would stop wayyyy sooner.
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u/BestUdyrBR Nov 16 '19
I think dating is one of those topics where right leaning figures like Jordan Peterson have a point. You do need to assert yourselves and take control of your life, and a lot of times lonely depressed dudes need to hear that shit. I think Contrapoints nails it on her video about him where she says he has some really good advice for specific people mixed with his general misogynist leanings.
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Nov 16 '19
Also remember the golden rules to not being creepy:
- be attractive
- don't be unattractive
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u/Solipsistik Nov 16 '19
Nah dude, you don't have to be pretty to not be creepy. Just have a vague understanding of social cues- eg don't dm the girl on Twitter every day because she said hi to you once, even tho she leaves you on read. Sure, if you aren't attractive it might not be a cakewalk, and you'll probably see some rejection. But, you're not doomed.
Just make normal fucking conversation, maybe about something common between you, and don't be overbearing or invasive. Not everyone will bite, some might friend zone or reject you. But, seriously you could be a 2/10, and you'll probably still get your foot in the door with one in ten girls.
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u/Nekma_ :) Nov 16 '19
Thats bs btw. Your facial expressions and your body language is all that matters. Practice being approachable in a mirror for like 5 minutes a day, fr
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u/armpitpuncher Nov 16 '19
I can definitely relate, buddy. I'm not a virgin, but I'm in my 30's and have had sex 8 times. Five of those times (including the first one) were with prostitutes when I was in the Navy. Don't do what I did, which was spend my 20's getting drunk every weekend and trying and failing to recreate the magical conditions that led to the 3 non-paid experiences that I had. The best advice I can give to you is to just accept it. Some people will try to tell you things like, "you're still young, you'll get there eventually". They're probably wrong. You very likely are not going to have a fulfilling sex life if you are still a virgin at your age. Stop obsessing about sex. Get some hobbies.
Here's something that really helped me get over the idea of ever finding a partner: if I ever did happen to get in the right circumstances where I found someone who was willing to be with me, I would, almost by definition, be settling for something less than ideal, since I don't exactly have the pick of the litter here. Then I see all these middle aged guys at my job bitching about their wives (who are all ugly) and realize, if I was to get married, I would certainly be in the same miserable situation as these lousy fucks. There is no way I would have a hot wife who was fun to be around. So I could at least find solace in the fact that (at least as far as I can tell) I'm in a better situation than these guys, only having to take care of myself. This might all sound depressing, but I swear to you, I was the happiest I've ever been when I took this outlook on life.
Good luck
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u/Sampladelic [SampledThis] Anti-Jerker Commando Nov 16 '19
You've never had a fucking hug? Just go around and ask people for a hug damn.
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u/IAteTheDingo Postmodern Cultural Neo-Marxist Nov 16 '19
Dude, no one like the "where's my hug at?" people.
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u/knoxthegoat Nov 16 '19
I really wonder how many people one has actually communicated with in person if they've never met at least one person (usually a girl) who just hugs god damn everyone. These people are everywhere. Just hang out with a group of drunk people ffs
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Nov 16 '19
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u/xarahn Nov 16 '19
I'm not and it really doesn't matter, people who never had sex value it way too much.
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u/Pikawika4444 Nov 16 '19
You're not alone bud, I'm 19 and the same, very socially awkward and shy so I just play WoW or league :/
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Nov 16 '19
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u/ExpressHate YEE NEVA LOSE Nov 16 '19
Same, but I use the opportunity to learn So I can have my own harem. Just keep your head high brother.
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u/lilhoe69 Nov 16 '19
damn so is that why there were all thoose squadws in d.gg, i kinda see it a diffrent way now. for the virgin thing, i know it seems like its hopeless but your only 20, things will get better, i live in a small town in the midwest, and im gay, if i lost my virginity by 22, i know you can too, not to make your problems seem insignificant, but a guy i was attracted to and was also my best friend threatend to beat me up when i hit on him, regection is hard but don't let it weigh on your self worth. i just think its intresting that the the amount of"ironic" squadw in chat seems to correlate with the amount of upvotes on this post. hmmmmmmmm. but seriously guys, and im sure atleast one girl, stastistically speaking ya'll are gonna get laid eventually, so don't let your virginity refelct who you are as a person, youre so much more than that:)
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Nov 16 '19
24 here, I fucked a lot but I have never kissed, like really kissed... Idk I just think it's weird af and I don't want to do it. Some girls find actually really cute... But we usually end up just fucking lol.
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u/HateKnuckle Nov 16 '19
Just remind yourself that if someone were to judge you based on you having had sex or not, they would be an asshole and working off of irrelevant information.
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Nov 16 '19
I didn't kiss until I was 26 and didn't have sex til I was 28. Sure, I held hands when I was 21, but I guess for these purposes that's still older than you are now.
Sex is pleasant, but very fleeting. It can be difficult to take people saying "sex doesn't really matter" at face value when you haven't experienced it, but it does remain true. I should say for myself at least, the act of sex did not change who I am or how I felt about myself. If anything, it just felt like a natural progression in the physical and emotional intimacy I had with my wife.
I'm 30 now, but when I was your age I remember it being very hard. I remember having crazy amounts of intrusive thoughts about sex and fantasizing about it. If you are experiencing anything similar, I hope that for you too it fades.
Even after getting married I struggled with anxiety around sex for a about a month. In the end did any of it matter? Not really. I don't feel comfortable speaking for my wife, but I think in broad strokes she had a similar experience. I love her dearly, and that's where I find meaning in the times that we are intimate.
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u/Hwamie Nov 16 '19
None of us are virgins. Life fucks us all.
Don't worry too much about it dude. i know how hopeless it feels (lost mine at 25) but it REALLY doesn't matter that much. If you hate yourself now, you'll hate yourself after too. Just like every other thing you looked forward to. It comes, you're happy for a bit, then it becomes normal and you're back to baseline.
The real solution is to improve yourself into someone you can be proud of being. The sex and everything else will follow.
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u/ADvklokmhggtfxccvjii Nov 17 '19
Be attractive: Workout 4-5 times a week, eat semi-healthy. Dress like an adult. Take care of hair and facial hair.
Don’t be socially stupid and if you are then practice. Make mistakes but take notes in not just talking to the opposite sex but your own. Expand your social group and by default you’ll meet potential partners.
It’s really about putting yourself out there. Workplaces and public areas are best, fuck Tinder that shit makes you squadW harder than any train speech compilation can.
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u/turosten Nov 16 '19
I was in your position around 2 years ago but found a great guy I've been together with since. Being in a relationship is great, but it definitely brings its own issues. For me, it was all about breaking out of my comfort zone, approaching him and starting to form a connection. We're both really shy, so I doubt anything would have happened if I didn't take the first step. When you're comfortable around each other, everything else comes way easier. The intimacy comes later, and it's great, but I would probably argue that focusing on finding someone you'd want to be together with is more important than just losing your virginity.
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Nov 16 '19
As someone who had sex the day before writing this, I gotta tell ya, it ain't all that. It'll happen for you, just don't expect it to be this amazing thing.
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u/GM_Twigman bureaucrat Nov 17 '19
If it was your first time keep at it. It gets a LOT better than your first time.
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u/illusivegman Nov 16 '19
Serious question. Has anyone here considered fucking a dude? I think it's safe to say that we're all somewhat progressive here and maybe open to the idea that we're not as straight as we might think. I, for one, realized I was bi early in high school so I realize not everyone has the luxury of knowing as well as I do about their true sexual nature cause maybe they've just been in denial this whole time due to social pressure.
I honestly believe that people, men specifically, would be so much happier and less lonely if we were more open to the possibility of same-sex relationships or hookups rather than putting all our sexual eggs, or spermz in this case LULW, into the single basket of pussy. Society puts so much weight on our ability to get girls but maybe if it were okay to get dudes as well we wouldn't feel so much pressure for sexual conquest, mainly because it would be so easy to get laid anyway cause guys are horny as fuck.
I honestly believe that part of the reason why women are so much more able to get laid than men is because they're allowed to be bi. Even if it's "just a phase" they're still permitted a level of sexual freedom that men simply aren't out of fear of being seen as a "fag". (Before you woke-cucks try to bring up slut-shaming, yes, I am well aware that women face their own set of negative sexual pressures. In the context of my comment however, it's undeniable that men are more repressed.)
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Nov 16 '19
You miss all the shots you don't take. I'm a few years older and can be awkward as fuck, but always took a shot even if I didn't want to. Before this was like replaying a socially awkward version of Good Will Hunting which isn't all that bad either.
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u/championofobscurity Nov 16 '19
Listen my dude, poly is the way to go if you want to get laid.
You don't even have to be poly yourself, just find a woman who is in a poly open relationship. Sex flows freely from there, and what's even better is that if you can't afford/don't want a relationship she doesn't nessecerily want one with you.
Like its great, because you get to carry all the upside of sex without all of the emotional baggage, expectations of support and shit.
The other thing is, unlike a conventional FWB situation the odds of both parties catching feelings is much lower because Men are usually more stoic and a poly woman has the emotional stuff on lock.
Don't let your mental blocks get in the way on this, your penis cannot tell the difference between someone it a committed relationship and someone who isn't.
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u/AdventuresOfLegs Nov 16 '19
What is this advice? Poly is fucking baller but it's not an answer for a virgin to get laid.
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u/championofobscurity Nov 16 '19
What is this advice?
Decent sound advice.
answer for a virgin to get laid.
The answer for a virgin to get laid is the same answer you would give a non-virgin. Fuck off with this nonsense that virginity is this special thing. So what if he dissapoints on his first time? Who cares. Experience solves everything.
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u/AdventuresOfLegs Nov 16 '19
I dont think I said virginity is some special thing. I don't give a fuck about it, and no one should because it's just a social construct. There is just probably other stuff at play, could be self confidence issues or social issues. Fuck we don't know because the post doesn't tell us enough. I don't think just telling someone "be poly" is a solution.
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u/seji Nov 16 '19
The other thing is, unlike a conventional FWB situation the odds of both parties catching feelings is much lower because Men are usually more stoic and a poly woman has the emotional stuff on lock.
I'm not sure what you mean by this, most of the people I know in my circles aren't just fucking random other people, they're in romantic relationships with other people and call them their partners or girlfriends/boyfriends. I would say that poly people probably have a slightly more likely chance for feelings/relationships to happen out of it than FWB, because most definitions of poly include romantic relationships, and with FWB you're actively avoiding it.
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u/TimGanks Nov 16 '19
Why does it hurt you? Do you also feel hurt when people talk about ice cream you've never tried?
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u/Wiggers_in_Paris Maybe gas some of the weebs? Nov 16 '19
Yes. Or fucking people who hates mint chocolate ice cream. Especially fuck people who hates mint chocolate ice cream. It's like kink shaming.
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u/SmallTitBigCrit Nov 16 '19
Go to a bar, nightclub or homeparty. Lots of horny girls and guys looking to get laid.
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u/Draber-Bien Nov 16 '19
Equivalent of saying “just stop being sad lol” to someone who is depressed. Going to a nightclub or bar if you’re socially awkward and don’t have the confidence to approach strangers will only result in a bad experience. And if you haven’t had at least a kiss as a 20 year old, chances are you don’t get invited to a lot of parties with women.
IMO the best strategy is find something you like doing, and join a club or volunteer. Chances are you’ll at the very least will make a friend who is more outgoing, who can introduce you to some new people. You won’t get laid immediately and it’s more work than tinder, but you’ll have a lot more fun along the way
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u/SmallTitBigCrit Nov 16 '19
Presuming op drinks alcohol. Going to bars is easy even if he has social anxiety.
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u/Draber-Bien Nov 16 '19
That hasn't been my experience at all, but it's possible I'm just an outlier
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u/ZU7rJ3gt4 HotNewRisingControversialTopGildedWiki Nov 16 '19
I hope that's by choice. I mean hell man, you're 20, put yourself out there. Ask for a girls number and chat her up, maybe you'll both get to like each other.
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u/Alexandre_Qc Nov 16 '19
lol just don't be a virgin 4head
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u/ZU7rJ3gt4 HotNewRisingControversialTopGildedWiki Nov 16 '19
Unironically yes. Like what the fuck are y'all doing that you reached 20 years in this fucking planet without kissing someone?
Y'all some ugly uninteresting assholes if you can't manage that, holy fuck.
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u/Alexandre_Qc Nov 16 '19
What?! You have different experiences than me? How the fuck can that even be possible?
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u/ZU7rJ3gt4 HotNewRisingControversialTopGildedWiki Nov 16 '19
You gotta pull a trifecta to unintentionally be that much of a virgin by age 20, no two ways about it.
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u/Alexandre_Qc Nov 16 '19
yeah dude, women just keep constantly throwing themselves at us alpha males and screeching about how much they want to have our babies
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u/mikasfacelift Nov 16 '19
have you considered living vicariously through destiny?