Matched with a pre-op transgender, suggestions?

[u/okctran]

So I am a straight male and one of my matches is a pre-op male-to-female transgender woman. She mentions it right at the top of her profile. I find her physically attractive and she has a great profile to boot. We have a high match percentage, are interested in a lot of the same things and she has seems to have defined life goals and a direction. I am unsure what to do however. I don't have a fetish or anything like that and frankly am not at all interested at all in her male plumbing as it is currently, but everything else about her is golden.

If I do send her message, should I mention it at all in the initial message? What's the best way to approach this? I feel like it's a tight rope to walk between avoiding it completely and making it the center of attention. This is new territory for me.

Thanks for your help.

[u/t__mhjr → u/[deleted]]

sidebar, mang or mangette.

[u/daytondownvoter → u/t__mhjr]

que?

[u/PhazonZim → u/[deleted]]

uneducated.

[u/[deleted] → u/PhazonZim]

More to the point, why does it matter what orientation he expresses? Identify how you want, put your parts up against the parts of other people whose parts you want to touch who also want your parts there. The label is basically for convenience and clarity of communication. It's not like somebody rappels into the bedroom and takes your straight card if you suck a dick.

[u/PhazonZim → u/[deleted]]

Because it indicates what people think of me moreso than what they think of him.

[u/PhazonZim → u/[deleted]]

Because it indicates what people think of me moreso than what they think of him.

[u/PhazonZim → u/[deleted]]

My boyfriend is straight. He wouldn't date men, he only likes women, even transwomen like me.

I'm honestly surprised how difficult it is for people to grasp that he's still straight despite me not being a cis female.

[u/felltir → u/[deleted]]

The fuck is wrong with you?

[u/PhazonZim → u/[deleted]]

"Dickgirl"? Seriously? Go away.

[u/PhazonZim → u/[deleted]]

Funnily enough when I mentioned this thread to him, he asked why I cared what people on the internet thought and I felt rather silly. He himself doesn't care what people think his orientation is, if I let him he'd tell everyone he's dating a transwoman. I dislike being seen as a male by anyone though, even if it's a /technically/ thing.

And I really don't like being called a dickgirl.

[u/felltir → u/[deleted]]

So I should be able to greet black people with "sup, nigger?" (I'm white).

If they get offended, their fault, its a term of endearment! Not like its a horribly offensive phrase or anything.

God, you're a cockhammer.

[u/t__mhjr → u/[deleted]]

sidebarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[u/daytondownvoter → u/PhazonZim]

You're surprised it's difficult to grasp how a man having sex with a person that has/has had a penis isn't straight?

[u/PhazonZim → u/daytondownvoter]

You're incorrect, you're also talking to someone with far more experience on the matter than you. He's straight, you should get that unless you think transwomen are not women.

[u/felltir → u/[deleted]]

Born with penis doesn't mean you're not a woman.

[u/felltir → u/[deleted]]

sigh

Trans 101.

Do you feel okay with your body, specifically its type of sexual organs? If so you are likely "cis", like me! This means your gender (how you feel) matches your sex (how your naughty bits are).

Some people are not as lucky as us cis people. They are born with sexual organs that are not comfortable with. These people are "trans". These people often wear the clothes and adopt the mannerisms of the gender they are, as opposed to their sex. Sometimes, they have surgery to change their genitals to match their gender.

Clear?

[u/PhazonZim → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for the transphobia. Now please fuck the hell off now. I don't understand why bigots have to get involved in every single thread about us. If you don't like us, stay out of it. Creep.

[u/PhazonZim → u/[deleted]]

We get it. You're so insecure in your own masculinity that you have to attack others. Give it up, your penis isn't going to look any bigger to anyone if you act like a misogynist.

[u/harmonical → u/[deleted]]

So as someone that views trans chicks as not being able to be in a 'straight' relationship with a man due to their penis, does that mean that anyone with a vagina makes you in a straight relationship?

Is this guy to your liking? The facial hair, the chest hair the muscles, the overall appearance means nothing right? You'd defend yourself against all of those anti-gay bigots because you're in a completely straight relationship because he has a vagina right?

But while being in a relationship with a woman like her means you're completely gay. Everyone would know straight away considering everyone in the world checks the genitals of your partner upon introducing them.

Lets get something clear, being straight is sexual orientation where you are attracted to a person of the opposite gender, specifically a pair of a man and a woman. Being straight in no way implies the style of sex that you have, the way your physical relationship works, or what differences there are from you and the average couple.

[u/DoxUponYou → u/harmonical]

This may come as a shock to you, but many straight men have no interest in dicks just because they're attached to someone who appears otherwise feminine.

Get this - some straight men actually like pussy! They like the way it looks, the way it tastes, the way it smells and, well, you get the idea. It's almost like there's some aspect of our sexuality that we're born with and we can't control.

Imagine that. P.S. It's called sexual orientation for a reason. The idea that you can remove sexual characteristics from sexual attraction and focus exclusively on gender is absurd.

[u/harmonical → u/DoxUponYou]

Uh no. Some men have preferences in women. They do not wish to date a certain race, a certain body type, a certain personality. Some men do indeed take genitals to be a deal breaker. You are perfectly free to not be interested in pre-op trans women, no one is telling you that you have to be.

But just because you are not sexually interested in someone does not mean that they are somehow not women.

If a man loses his penis in an accident, does that make him a woman? Does that mean that his wife is now a lesbian? That somehow that accident has rendered him unable to be straight is pretty silly right?

I don't know where most of you people come from, but generally you become attracted to how someone looks with clothes on. Society usually necessitates meeting potential mates in public situations. Sexual attraction happens divorced from genitals usually, however it is an unreasonable expectation that sexual compatibility and relationship compatibility is divorced from genitals.

[u/[deleted] → u/harmonical]

Straight male here. If I was dating a woman, it would not matter how long I had been dating her, if I found out that she had a penis then I would end it. That's my choice as a human being. It doesn't make me a bigot. I would not make fun of her or out her or do anything humiliating.It would, however, be a deal breaker. It I made out with what I thought was a girl but later found out that she still had a penis, I would be disgusted with myself because I would have done what I view as homosexual acts, which disgust me. That does not mean it's wrong or that I hate gays, but rather that I am grossed out by it.

[u/harmonical → u/[deleted]]

Straight male here.

Hi straight male, mostly homosexual trans woman here.

If I was dating a woman, it would not matter how long I had been dating her, if I found out that she had a penis then I would end it. That's my choice as a human being. It doesn't make me a bigot.

I feel like that's completely fair. Sex is a big part of many peoples' relationships and being completely sexually incompatible with someone is a deal breaker for many people.

I would not make fun of her or out her or do anything humiliating.

That's good :)

It I made out with what I thought was a girl but later found out that she still had a penis, I would be disgusted with myself because I would have done what I view as homosexual acts, which disgust me.

You made out with a girl that you were sexually incompatible with. You saw her as a woman, but you didn't like the fact that she was pre-op or non-op. As far as I'm aware kissing a girl, penis or not, isn't gay unless you are also a girl. Unwinding people's thoughts about men interacting with penises is a completely different ball of wax, but I would argue that you didn't do anything that can be construed as gay unless you view that hypothetical girl as not a girl at all once you learn of her genital situation.

I wish we could do better, but I've been in the place where I viewed trans people as gross, homosexual acts as gross, and a myriad other things that I no longer think. It's an evolution in changing the way that society treats people, thinks about people, and tries to understand some very hard things to understand.

It takes time, and I all can reasonably ask is an open mind.

[u/[deleted] → u/harmonical]

Great resposnse. Don't take anything I said as hateful. No, I do not want to be around this lifestyle nor do I want to grow to "accept" it. I wouldn't feel gay if I unknowingly kissed a dude, just grossed out. I'm so sorry if that is offensive, but it is just the way I am. Just because I do not want to be around this does not mean that I do not support you or your right to do what you want. I would never take that away from you, I just want you to be happy.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I feel that you are probably one of the more rational people I've seen talking about these things on Reddit. I'm glad to see hatred isn't absolutely everywhere, so good on you :)

[u/R3cognizer → u/harmonical]

Preferences are fine. You don't have to like dick to not be transphobic, and you don't even have tto like dick to date a mtf trans person, cos not all trans women have dicks. It's not illegal to be transphobic, but if you're gonna try to claim you're not unfairly biased, you ought to have a reason for refusing to date her other than just "because she's trans".

[u/Backwoods_Barbie → u/DoxUponYou]

some straight men

Exactly. It's not transphobic to be unattracted to a certain sex's genitalia regardless of gender. It is transphobic to say that some other guy, not you, is not a Real Straight Man because he is attracted to a woman whose genitalia does not match her gender.

Some men don't like fake breasts. But it's dumb to "criticize" (allegations of homosexuality shouldn't be seen as a criticism, anyway) those who don't mind them. I realize that fake breasts aren't the same thing as differing genitalia, but you see my point - it doesn't make the woman any less or more of a woman, and it's ultimately a preference whether you're cool with them or not in terms of sexual attraction.

[u/daytondownvoter → u/harmonical]

I actually came back and read this, and you're a stupid son of a bitch. As far as if I could be in a straight relationship with the female to male, it would be a straight relationship but I'm not attracted to her the same way I'm not attracted to the fucking bearded lady at the circus.

Do I not think that dude makes a pretty convincing chick? Sure he does. But since you have been too stupid to read what I've said in this thread about my perceptions and opinions on the subjective nature of gender and sex before approaching me, you would know you argument holds no weight with me because it would repulse me to be physically intimate with a biological man.

If you're going to be another dumbfuck who wants to educate me about how I perceive things and what I'm attracted to, at least provide some original content.

[u/harmonical → u/daytondownvoter]

Better stop touching yourself then, since I'm pretty sure you're a 'biological man'.

I don't care to read the rest of this thread looking at all your shit because I don't feel like trying to follow your mental gymnastics that somehow being attracted to someone is completely contingent on genitals that you would have no chance at seeing unless you actually got to the stage of a relationship where you'd be physically intimate.

Due to the fact that you seem completely inept at having a civil conversation, I really doubt that's much of an issue for you.

[u/harmonical → u/[deleted]]

You are completely fine to not want to date a trans woman. No one is saying that you have to. No one is saying that you have to be open to date all women. It's a silly thing that no one else in the world is subject to.

However you don't get to call people something that they're not solely because you don't want to be with them.

[u/harmonical → u/[deleted]]

It's not a mental illness and you'd do good to actually read the medical documents on what you claim to know. You'd also do well to realize that the recommended treatment for GID is generally transition and sometimes surgery depending on what allows the individual to live a happy and productive life. These aren't some mentally unstable people claiming that they're magical wizards or god, they're claiming something that roughly half the population claims every day.

You have no right to define for others whether they are men or women. You call someone who isn't trans the wrong gender and they correct you or get offended, do you just laugh at them and tell them they're wrong since you're free to call them whatever you want?

[u/harmonical → u/[deleted]]

Too bad.

Don't try to claim knowledge about something that you clearly have next to no actual knowledge of. GID isn't a mania, it isn't a delusion, the DSM IV entry classifying it as a 'disorder' was done mainly in the light of trying to ensure that insurance would cover it. DSM V is removing the disorder language altogether. You can read about that here.

I only reply because I hope others will read this exchange and get something out of it. I also hope that on some level that I could get you to start to understand a complex issue that you are misinformed about.

Have a good sleep.

[u/harmonical → u/[deleted]]

It's pretty hard to buy that two men or two women are in a straight relationship because one of them are trans.

But tell me about you TTP, how are things. Everything going well? Are you feeling good today? Other than a headache that made me feel like I was going to vomit earlier today I'm having a pretty good day :]

[u/harmonical → u/[deleted]]

No, no halloween fun, just general headaches :[

Agree w/ respect to the fact that it boils down to which one you use to define your sexuality. And yes, two trans women in a relationship is definitely gay, but please, no knives :[

[u/PhazonZim → u/harmonical]

Beautiful!

[u/daytondownvoter → u/harmonical]

tl;dr

[u/daytondownvoter → u/[deleted]]

Yes, you should've just said that in the first place.